"Good parents give their children roots and wings—roots to know where home is and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught them." Dr Jonas Salk
My son will soon be starting his own adult adventure when he departs the nest in September for university.
It is at this juncture that many a parent takes stock and wonders about the bond between their offspring and themselves. This is the bit where the proof is in the pudding. Did you do a good enough job to unleash a free standing , functional adult into the world? Or is the umbilical cord still running essential services from the placenta?
The writer Milton once said of God that he made us his children, free to stand or fall.
We often refer to deities are parents, Mother earth/ God the father. I like to think that Milton was also indirectly referring to us as parents. For a lot of our children's lives we are like deities, all knowing and all controlling and our children are all honouring. But there comes a stage where we as parents must stand back and see if our offspring can stand. Or if they will fall. We must trust we have done enough for them to know what to do in either case.
The urge to run and pick our precious ones up is huge. But we must ask...what will they learn from this? Of course there is a point where that is the right course of action... but I think after the nurturing years to adulthood are done...we must (with arm itching to assist) stand back and wait and see if our offspring can get up by themselves.
If we don't we do more harm than good.
But sometimes a parent unwittingly turns a child into the love of their life. I see it so often with mothers of sons in particular. 'My little soldier'. Hang on are not YOU the parent supposed to be doing the protecting here? 'He always puts mother first'. No, no no... shouldn't YOU the parent should be doing the providing? There seems to be a point in some loving relationships between parents and children where it all becomes a little twisted.
My first college boyfriend was so used to being the 'man of the family' as his lone parent mother looked to him to do everything. He struggled for a long time with his guilt of leaving his mummy to have a life of his own. His mother always seemed to having 'The Vapours' about the most routine things - once he drove across the county to assist simply because a light bulb had blown and she had no idea what to do. I recall being appalled at how manipulative she appeared to be. But in the end I could see the symbiotic relationship. He was as much to blame as she was. As much as his mother had used her eldest son as a substitute husband, he totally got off on being the head of the family. He felt it gave him a maturity beyond his 18 years and enjoyed being in control of others lives. While the rest of us students cared only for beer and parties, he had 4 young siblings and a grown woman looking to him for guidance. There was little offered in the hedonistic world of freshman year at university that could top that. It took him a long while to cut the cord. But hey, he was only 18 and had spent 7 years being the man of a large family. It was all he knew and I am pleased to say that finally he did, and recognised that being a grown up involved striking out on his own.
But some are unable to cut the cord and remain the child they have always been, encouraged by doting parents who are frightened to redefine themseves once hands on child rearing is over.
This is becoming ever more common as house prices soar, the rental market become ever more out of reach and young people are finding it difficult to leave the parental home, even many years after university. Leaving home is not as easy as it once was.
I heard a cautionary tale of young man who (although a bonefide adult) has become so stunted in his growth that he has elected to live with mummy and daddy till death do them part.
This grown man not only lived with his parents long after he should have struck out on his own, but was so installed into his childhood that he was still was getting the school-run treatment! His parents only substituting his place of work for the schools gates! This man had no intention of ever leaving mummy and daddy and had ended every romantic relationship he had ever found himself in if it threatened the status quo. Remarkably this chap did find women to date but even on a date would ring his parents to check in every few hours. He once had a girlfriend stay over at his parental home, but didn't do this again as neither the woman nor his parents found it appropriate. Therefore he could have a sexual relationship away from home but made it clear that he would be expected back in the nursery before midnight. Then of course there was the programme of non negotiable 'family times' where as their son he would not and could not be available to the outside world, which he was entirely complicit with. The only thing that surprised me about this chap was that he was EVER in a position to end any relationship, as I cannot imagine what sort of self respecting woman would even consider dating a manchild of this quality! I do feel for the parents though, they love their child so much that they do not even see the damage they have done nor the fact their 'love' has in fact sentenced their child to be incomplete and alone after they die.
It is good to be aware of this phenomena though. It is so hard to let go of your precious child. It goes against every instinct. You want to protect and provide for them... else why else bother? But the point of the exercise is to let them go... to stand ...or even to fall. You have to trust you have done enough for them to be able to handle life without you. Because the fact of the matter is... in the normal run of play, you will die before them. You will NOT always be there.
My son means the world to me, and we have worked together as a team for many years, just the two of us. The absence of a hands on father means that we have become a unit. However I have never lost sight of the fact that I am neither his best friend nor his love. I am his mother. That is a big enough role to play in someone's life. He must be allowed to use his on judgment to fill the other roles.
As a parent yes of course you are the primary relationship. This is where the unconditional love is . Your child will never have that again until they in turn become parents. Everything else will have conditions attached.
BUT in the safe relationship between parent and child where the love is not ever to be withdrawn, we teach our children how to negotiate the adult world as best we can. Then... as much as it hurts us, we let go.
We let our children stand...or fall.
And while we are allowing this to happen, we fill the void with rediscovering a person we more or less forgot about while the herculean task of raising a human from egg to adulthood was on going.
Ourselves.
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