BLOG 273 - Distractions

“Someday I'll forget the color of your eyes, the sound of your voice will be unfamiliar. Someday I'll forget that I once loved you, the feelings will have faded, someday I'll forget." Neil Gaiman 

Amazing … I forget things so quickly. 

It occurred to me over the past few days that I have no idea how his voice sounded! How can that be... he's only been dead less than 40 days! 

But it's gone. I can't recall it at all.I hear the words he used to say often... but I've been noticing lately it's my voice I hear in my head... like an actress reading from a script. His voice is lost to me. Gone. I've certainly forgotten it. 

And that is just only one of the nuances of the recovery process. You start forgetting. You start being sucked back into life because life demand that you have to take part and it will find its way to make you start letting go. 

I no longer miss the coupley things. I have slotted back into singleton mode with remarkable ease. The lack of queues for the bathroom, the return of mushrooms to the menus, the freedom to watch rubbish TV... it all slotted back in smoothly. Once again I can make forward plans without consultation,  and I'm back sleeping in the middle of the bed - turning off the lights because I'm ready to sleep and rising at any hour I choose. 

How quickly all that time together fades from my reality and becomes foggy and distant like a dream. I no longer feel connected to that part of my life. It almost feels like something that happened to someone else.

Okay... it still has the power to reduce me to tears with very little notice, but it is less ever present than it was even two weeks ago. I think I am finding a place to deposit the grief and get on with getting on. 

I was prepared for the fact that as time passes, the fierce pain of early bereavement begins to fade. The depression lessens and it is possible to think about other things and even to look again to the future. But I didn't expect the process to be on going from the start... I thought it would just turn up wrapped in a safe little parcel in about a years time called "You are so over this now", I didn't think the healing would be on going.

Obviously I am not there yet... lets face facts it really was not an awful long time ago... I'm still counting in days.. but  it's amazing how you can feel the changes as they unroll. 

The sense of having lost a part of oneself never goes away entirely. but I am beginning to feel that one day it may be  possible to feel whole again, even though a vital part of me will always be missing. Though even with that said I often find myself talking as if he is still here with me.

The depression hasn't cleared that's for sure, but my sleep has improved and my energy seems somewhere around normal. I think I may be skirting on the outer rims of letting-go and the fates have ensured that I have no other choice but to start a new sort of life . 

The death came alongside some major life changes and they didn't take a break just because I was bereaved. You don't always get to schedule these things in. And yet the distraction these massive tasks offer is not all bad.

House shopping has been a huge distraction, only Manhattan can compete with London for a stupid over blown prices and fees.  Monthly rents - payable per calendar month are simply astronomical! Basic studenty starter pads with barely 2 bedrooms a living area and somewhere to cook and poo seem to command almost a thousand pounds ($1651) per month...woodchip wallpaper and 70's bathroom fittings an all!  Once you find somewhere with a 21st century kitchen, decent bathroom suite and neutral décor.... the price leaps to a grand and a half ($2475) and again you will only get two bedrooms if you are lucky! Don't even bother to think of looking for somewhere with curb appeal... as that will cost you also! Then agents fees... £200 holding deposits, £55 per person reference fees and then a whopping £120 admin fee,,, and that's just for you registering your interest in a place! There is nothing that consumes more than the moral indignation that goes with being taken for a mug! Thus energy's have been dispensed circumventing the letting trap and talking directly to those with properties to let. 

Of course the hunt for a big ticket gig to join all my little freelance tickets is much on the mind also … and I am delighted to say I few options now.... just a case of sorting the timing out. Looking for work is almost a full time job on its own , but it's a welcome thing to isolate and advertise what it is you actually do, and an even bigger joy to  be invited to chat about it with folk who think they just may pay for you to do more of it. It’s been hard and yet so rewarding. 

But it's a distraction... while taking my mind of my grief I've been moving towards laying the foundations of a new sort of life. 

I can now look back on December and even earlier this month and see that I have travelled forward from the acute anguish the loss caused. It's a strange place where I am now... desperately trying to maintain the emotional bond while simultaneously living in the reality of the loss. 

It means in real terms separating from not just him, but the unfulfilled plans we had and making resolutions of my own. (Hence that holding on).There are days when everything that we had doesn't seem past tense at all. 

Then I realised... I cannot remember the sound of his voice, and realised that for all the holding on ...I am beginning to let go.

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BLOG 272 - RAD - business martial arts

"Charlie Mackenzie: You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuck You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground." from the movie: So I married an Axe Murderer (1993) 

The business world has its own martial arts. It's called RAD. It happens to the staff when they least expect it and always after they have done something major in their personal lives like buy a house, impregnate the wife or paid a non returnable deposit on something which will suddenly seem remarkably frivolous. In fact when this martial art creeps up on you it knocks you a bit senseless... but funny enough it always has the same modus operati so one would think one recognise it coming every time! And yet RAD is the sneakiest martial art ever!!!

Here's the composite of the four times this has happened to me:. 

Mandatory meeting... the speech - Words to the effect of: 

"I want you all to know that I did everything I could to keep this from happening - especially with the upcoming [insert holiday period they LOVE doing this when there is a holiday period due]... All options have been exhausted, and the simple fact is that I have no choices left" 

Then we move into the "this hurts me and my £50k bonus much more that it hurts you"  part. It always helps at this point if they choke back a little emotion or tear up slightly:

"I need you to appreciate that there is no one on Gods Green Earth who fought more to prevent this outcome than I and you MUST know that I want this even less than you do - I know how difficult this is for each one of you and I sincerely hope you know how hard it is for me too" 

Then comes to sweetener. Now redundancies come in all shapes, sizes and guises but there is always the fear on the part of management that just one disenchanted former hard grafting employee may just torch the dump on the way out. Whether you leave at the end of the speech, or enter a consultation period or worse... employers know their hold over your continued professionalism is their promise of continual employment... thus with that arrangement gone seemingly forever, comes the requirement of sweeteners on Redundancy Announcement Day.(RAD) 

"Now I know this may come as a very unpleasant shock to many of you, so if you would like to: take the rest of the afternoon off - you'll still be paid for the full working day/go to the pub - the first round of drinks are on me!" 

It's always the same... the corporate lack of sincerity, (the fact that finer points of your doom has had to have been negotiated at least 12 weeks before the announcement is always hidden in these things), however it is usually clear that the announcers life continues pretty much unscathed. And yet empathy is required form you regarding the fact that this year he will only get £50k of his proposed £75K bonus so will NOT- repeat NOT - be able to by the  brand new Audi R8 after all (as he is down £25K).... sad face... boo fucking hoo! 

I've been through this corporate masquerade four times... and honestly... all that changes are the faces of the players giving the speech cause the same old same old goes through the head of those afflicted by RAD:

a) How the fuck do I pay for a roof over my head (my kids heads) NOW??!!! 

b) If you fuckers told me this 12 weeks ago I would have made a whole heap of other choices. 

When that subsides then the redundant think in unison the following: 

1. What is on my immediate horizon? 

2. Why am I being punished? 

3. What have I done to infuriate the Deity that I clearly do not worship any where near enough! 

And then it begins...the grim reality of just getting on with it. 

The polishing up the ruddy CV you hoped you would never have to touch again.

The making sure you know your rights (and rapidly discovering that when you were smug and employed you may have voted practically all of those away!). 

The signing on for NI contributions …. oh yes matey... cause even when economic conditions are normal, a manager or professional can expect their job search to take between three and six months. In the current economic environment, it might take a lot longer. (So if you don't want a sizable gap developing in your NI record, which could affect your pension or your rights to benefits later on you have to hoof down to the same job centre you sneered at but a few weeks ago!) 

The making a budget to live on your redundancy pay out... which never gets topped up and only goes down and down as weeks pass by. (That's if you even get a payout) 

The setting the weekly schedule of job searching. Because with work no longer ordering your days you are gonna need a structure to stay motivated and keep up your self-esteem. That doesn't mean you need to search for jobs 9-5 – that would quickly wear you down. - but you are gonna make job searching your career until you get another one. 

But one thing  is for sure after RAD... You are likely to be feeling loads of emotions but the most common three will be anger, sadness and hopelessness. Losing your job in this unexpected manor is designed to be traumatic  (RAD is always a staged surprise ...hence why it is a martial art) - it will have an affect upon you and make you very emotionally vulnerable.

So here are my top tips to avoid sinking into depression: 

a) DO NOT BE ASHAMED - this wasn't your fault... your company stuffed up and failed YOU not the other way around. Tell people, cancel the holiday, explain to the kids.... this is NOT your fault so stop feeling like YOU have failed. 

b) SORT YOUR FINANCES - honestly get pen to paper and work it all out... don't live on hope and wild optimism. Once you know what you need to survive it becomes so much easier to cope, the panic literally melts away. 

c) VOLUNTEER  - redundancy is a great time to reinvent yourself. But if you feel it may be cheeky to charge someone fo your services in an unproven area - offer your skills and time free of charge to a company in order to hone them. It's a win win - the company gets free man power and you get experience to add to your CV! 

d)NETWORK - the hidden job market is where all the secure jobs are. Check out Stephen Conway's fab DVD that completely tools you up for this! (Mr Conway a recruiter for  some of the world’s leading brands including Gillette, Colgate Palmolive, Kellogg’s, Procter & Gamble, Coca Cola, Microsoft, AT & T, Cable & Wireless, Disney, and Nokia - he REALLY knows his stuff). Google him!

Look …. the days when being an employee meant that you could always know you could put dinner on the table are so behind us. I don't imagine they will ever be making a return either. We will all face the RAD sooner or later before we finally get to retire.

BUT this uncertainty does not have to drag us down... I've survived 3 and am well on my way to triumphing over my 4th. I should imagine that there will be a few more before I hang up my writer for hire hat! 

So... enough with the brooding about the inevitable  dark days ahead just because I have been made redundant for the fourth time. It really isn't such an insurmountable issue after all. It's just another RAD attack... and seriously...I above all people know that all things always come to an end. 

Lord knows I have harder and more seemingly insurmountable things to overcome. This guys... well it's just another round of business martial arts!

And so, in the inimatable words of 'Parky'… no not Michael Parkinson the famous interviewer... I mean Parky... the guy who looks after the hire boats on Greenwich Pond: 

"Come on No. 4..... Your TIME IS UP!" 

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