BLOG 29: Cartoon Me

CARTOON ME

“We don't want to hammer our adversaries into cartoon characters and deny their humanity.” Bill Clinton - American 42nd US President (1993-2001)

I’m sure Genna won’t mind me mentioning her by name cause she is a damn fine cartoonist. I was fortunate enough to have had a cartoon version of myself drawn by her. Those who have known me for ages will know that this drawing was my screen saver for many years as well as my MSN photo. Everyone said it captured the essence of me perhaps better than any photograph.

In the drawing as you can see, Cartoon-Jax is wearing a trademark baby-doll over a pair of jeans and is holding a glass aloft whilst bestowing a rather full grin. Everyone instant recognises it as me. Funny thing is there is more about the drawing that does not look like me than does. Genna had a hard time matching my skin tone so didn’t bother, the hair is longer than mine and although my hair is brown, the shade Genna chose is off also. And yet in the many years I’ve had the portrait – no one has ever questioned who it may be.

The essence of the drawing is I guess…Party Gal. Cartoon-Jax, whilst not kitted out in a LBD and heels, is clearly enjoying herself in a social situation – she doesn’t appear to be on her way to collect the dry-cleaning! Although there is no detail on the tumbler in her hand, it seems not to suggest tap water or lemonade but alcohol of some unspecified sort. (I hear you shouting Vodka!) The crook in Cartoon-Jax’s knee suggests the dancing has just started and she is itching to get to it. You can almost hear the (not drawn) ice clinking in the glass as Cartoon-Jax beckons you to come join the mayhem that has caused that kilowatt smile. Yup – Cartoon-Jax is a Total Party Gal.

Of course for a cartoon to be recognisable it has to capture traits of the person – or we’d never know who it is! – But a cartoon uses exaggeration of some characteristics and oversimplification of others. Essentially a cartoon is a loaded portrait. It doesn’t set out to tell the whole story it’s just supposed to give an easily identifiable visual likeness.

Cartoon-Jax is an adorable creation of Genna’s and I love it! It is an affectionate piece of shorthand between friends. It is no more the essence of me than a red bus is the essence of London. It is a loaded portrait – just a little bit of the whole.

However, it made me wonder how often I reduce the complexities of human nature into a cartoon. I know how easy it is to not look any deeper than the information one would need to make a cartoon when dealing with real people. Sometimes you just look at someone, look at one circumstance… and think you know all there is to know. You make a cartoon version of the person in your head… I mean what are you gonna believe, the evidence of your own eyes…or something deeper? I think the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit? exhibited how problematic depending on such distorted information can be:

Jessica Rabbit: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.

Eddie Valiant: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.

Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

Recently we all had to sit and watch the melodrama that was Susan Boyle. The whole thing played out like a modern parable about people’s inability to believe in any depth beyond the first impression. Her initial demeanour and homely appearance caused the judges and audience to be "waiting for her to squawk like a duck". It was less her somewhat (questionable) talent than the contrast between the audience's first impression of her when she appeared on stage compared to the ovation she received afterwards that triggered global interest. A frumpy middle aged woman was judged to have nothing to contribute – based on cartoon like information. I leave the last word on Susan Boyle to Journalist Charlie Brooker. Mr Brooker said in the series finale of his BBC Four programme Newswipe: "thanks to a combination of our backwards, appearance-led culture and a nakedly manipulative set-up VT which made her out to be a comedy loser, Susan Boyle's performance soon became the number one talking point for every tiresome prick in the land [...] because apparently it's a fucking miracle that women who aren't conventionally attractive are also capable of exhibiting any kind of skill whatsoever."

Jessica Rabbit or Susan Boyle… we think we know all we need to know about someone based on what… the curve of a hip?.. the length of an eyelash?.. the dress they are wearing?... the height of a heel? Is this what we think informs us of who some actually is… is this why we are in a perpetual state of amazement when it turns out someone had what we call ‘hidden-depths”. Did we REALLY look so deep that it was really hidden from view?...did we?

This multi-media age has made things slightly worse. Because we are talking face to face less and less but electronically conversing more and more – and we think we are staying in touch. I went to a wedding recently where everyone hadn’t seen each other for a year – but everyone seemed to know what each was ‘up to’ in their lives. We’d been checking each others Facebook pages. This one lived in wine bars or night clubs (judgement), that one is in all this ones photos (judgement)… this one hadn’t updated their page for ages (judgement)…this one has been on exotic holidays recently (judgement). It was amusing to see how many of those judgements unravelled when presented with a live human being to fill in the blanks. Blanks we assume could not be there, so sure were we of our conclusions… but there is always more than meets the eye. Always.

For the record… the one who seemed like a party animal actually just had a spate of formal events and family parties, the two who seemed in thick with each other actually just happened to have a mutual friend and were no closer than they ever were, the one who hadn’t updated facebook actually turned out to have been in hospital, the one who was splashing the cash on exotic holidays actually was in fact on fam.trips for work. (Gosh, it was so much easier believing party animal had abandoned her kid, two mates were as thick as thieves, one was a snob about Facebook and the other was sunning himself whilst the rest of us had to work! – WRONG… but so much easier... being correct takes effort.)

If we are like this with the people around us – people who pose us no threat, how much worse would it be with people that do? As Bill Clinton said, it is so easy to just make them fit a cartoon baddy mould. We can strip our enemies of their humanity and make them into a version that will excuse what ever we do to them.

The movie Austin Powers explores this theme in a very humorous way. Without warning we (the audience) suddenly get a back-story to one of Dr Evil’s hench men (Michael McDonald). Suddenly we know he has a pretty wife (Lois Chiles) and friends and apart from the heinous things he has to do in his employment – he is a pretty alright guy. It’s not without some regret that a steamroller passes over him!

But that’s the point I guess… it is not without some regret that we steamroller our enemies… if we bother to get to know a little of their humanity first. Remember those Benetton posters in 2003? The ones with photos of kids who lived in the countries in the Middle East deemed to be our enemy... they had the most powerful slogans I have ever seen… “Mustapha, Aged 8, Basra ‘When I grow up I’d like to be a doctor’ ” Benetton were masters of making you think… and continue to think. In the years since that campaign I have wondered about Mustapha and all the Mustapha’s he represented. He’d be 14 now… did he make it?... does he still wanna be a doctor? It hard to picture a nation of enemies when they have a name, a face, an ambition…. When they are human.

It’s not the believing the cartoon that makes us crappy people though. It’s the forgetting the real people that the cartoon is based on.

We all have a rolodex in our head of quick reference guides to who people are. We use this info to provide others with a thumbnail sketch of who these people are – to make them feel comfortable. But we do need to be aware that these are not portraits… they are just a rough outline…the rest has to be filled in. We need to let people know this when we claim to know something about someone. Besides… getting to know someone is a continual process... investing the time…filling in the blanks…going that little bit deeper… over and over again. Cartoons just capture a bit of the story. You can’t know a cartoon – we should not profess to either.

From time to time though, I do wonder about Cartoon-Jax. The Total Party Gal. I wonder what her life must be like – must be so exhausting lurching from restaurant to bar, to nightclub, to party, from airport, to beach to ski-slope to a spot of shopping and lunch… Cartoon-Jax would definitely meet the ladies for lunch! I don’t think I could possibly keep up with Cartoon-Jax… oh there is a little of her in me… must be for the exaggerated version to ring true to so many people. Though to be Cartoon-Jax for real I’d be living a sort of Paris Hilton existence… (well………. maybe not, Genna did after all base her on me….. and that top and those jeans honey were definitely Primark!)

Blog 28:Books, Movies and Tunes

Books, Movies and Tunes

“Art is important. We tend to think it is a luxury, but it gives people deep pleasure because beauty is the personification of hope that something grander is at work.” Gil Dellinger - retired Professor of Art at the University of the Pacific and internationally renowned fine artist

I don’t own ANY jewellery. Odd for a woman of my age, but I have no gold, silver, platinum, diamonds or precious stones. None.

I do not inspired anyone to buy them for me (on the occasions where such purchases have been made, the items have been returned) – as to be frank, these items hold no joy for me. I appreciate that for many, the fine line of a piece of jewellery will send them into raptures and the sparkle from a mined stone will enrich their existence - but I have never been blessed with such a reaction. Those who love me know that if you wish to give me deep pleasure – give me literature, or film or music.

The first reaction when a person enters my living room is usually a reaction to my books. They do not dominate - the room is large and airy and my collection only takes up one recessed wall – but it appears most people of my acquaintance are unused to seeing books in a living room. Coffee table books seem permissible, but one thousand paperbacks shelved from floor to ceiling seems to many a very strange thing indeed. The first question is “Good grief – have you READ all these?” - to which I have to admit that I have not only read them but these are just ones I wish to keep… most books that pass through my hands are now in the possession of Oxfam. This is usually followed by an inspection of the shelves and a comment on the lack of synergy in the types of books I read. It is true; I read social commentary, travel, factual, religious and fiction books. I have no interest in biographies and by en large romantic and crime fiction have a hard time engaging my interest. My biggest love affair with books has been with twentieth century literature. I would guess that over the years I have read quite a few thousands of books. Most of my friends and acquaintances think this arcane. The odd bit of chick-lit to them is acceptable – for what else can one do on a beach…. But to sit in ones own house reading….seems to them a very odd thing to do in the twenty first century. However they accept it as just one more thing that is odd about Jax.

Odd it maybe – but to me a book is a conversation with an interesting person. To me a book is a plane ticket to a place I have never been before. To me a book is an experience I would find hard to have with my geography and circumstance. On closing a book I feel I understand and make a little more sense of the world around us. I feel that with each book I get closer to the human condition. Literature provides a way to analyze how and why people think the way they think and feel the way they feel. I genuinely believe that such books enables us to develop our minds analytically and promotes open minds. In my case I get to see the world through the eyes of different writers from different cultures. This truly teaches me ways to deal with things happening around me. Without literature, I would lack insight and understanding of human nature. It is also wildly enjoyable – voyeuristic even!

My favourite three books of all time have to be, Confessions of a Failed Grown-Up by Stephanie Calman, Room at the top by John Braine, and Starter for 10 by David Nicholls. I challenge anyone to read those three books and not come away enriched. Curiously, all three books reflect the times in which I have lived – they perfectly represent the spirit of life in the United Kingdom at the time of each books writing. I do of course read books from other centuries too, with time travel is not being an option yet, it is a wonderful thing that we have publications available to us to transport us to the emotion, politics and culture of those times. But the Twentieth Century was my century and so that is my diamond period.

However, in my opinion, the greatest book of the Twentieth Century was The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It pains me greatly to give this trophy to a Yank…. But my word. EVERYTHING about what makes people tick is there… all wrapped up in a delicious tale of a young man who idolized the riches and glamour, but was uncomfortable with the unrestrained materialism and the lack of morality that went with it. Funny enough, its author hardly sold many copies of the book, and by World War 2… it was largely forgotten. However after the author’s death it was republished and has gone on to the holy grail of writing. First published in 1925 it came out tops in The 100 Best English-language Novels from 1905 to 2005 list. Still relevant and kicking as after all these years.

The Great Gatsby was made in to many movies, but most people have come across the legendary Francis Ford Coppola version. Those who are rooted to their televisions will remember that recently in the hit series Entourage, the character Vincent Chase gets hired by Martin Scorsese for a film adaptation of the book. Great books inspire great movies.

Which brings me to the second reaction people have in house. I am lucky to have a glorious dining room which over looks my garden through French doors. However comments are usually not of the view, but of my rather substantial collection of movies shelved in this room. I have motion pictures in most formats, with the modern formats housed in the living room and the VHS and other formats live in the dinning room. They live on the wall opposite the French doors, and as I said attract more comments than the view of my suburban garden. But, I have do some friends who absolutely hate motion pictures. They think them trivial and a waste of time… and would rather go out and live than sit indoors watching actors fake it. That I see fit to not only go to the cinema but also purchase and keep my own copies of films is something that leaves them flabbergasted.

I heard the radio presenter Johnny Vaughn once say that your movie collection reflects everything any one should ever wish to know about you and should be viewed as the ‘file of me’. I couldn’t agree more. I consider movies to be an important art form, a source of popular entertainment and a powerful method for educating — or indoctrinating — us. Unlike literature which is restricted by the limits of the written word, the visual elements of cinema gives motion pictures a universal power of communication. Obviously a great movie will have to have a great story (or else what is the point) but it is the combination of that with sound and vision that gives cinema its power. It is also curious with 19 different genres to choose from how revealing your choice of movie can be.

I would say I primarily choose Comedy, Action, Drama, Animation, Crime, Epic, Western, Mystery/Thriller and Sci-fi. Funny, this does not reflect at all what I choose to read. I suppose by watching a movie, I get to experience things I hope I never would have to in real life, but get to react to them as if I had. I also get to observe lives like my own and gain the opportunity to react like an outsider would. Movies provide a unique vantage point to observe – and of course I also get to be entertained. I think it is interesting to stretch my mind to the known and unknown, and (in the case of sci-fi) reach out for what's beyond reality. I do not consider it a waste of time to escape the mundane and let my mind wander to what the imagination holds....even if it was created from someone else's imagination first! It keeps me sane, having something to let my mind, heart, and soul become completely absorbed in…. even if the movie is Finding Nemo! (Well… if someone said swim with the turtles what image goes trough YOUR head???)

It is much harder to draw up my all time favourite movie list… especially if I am to cut it down to three! It keeps coming out to be 12. But to be brutal if I only could take three films into the afterlife to watch over and over again till the end of time they would be: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), When Harry Met Sally (1989) Batchelor Mother (1939). I will always think these the three most awesome films capturing the human experience. Though Batchelor Mother has the double whammy… a comedy… about a single girl… with a kid???......... WHEN was this film made?? And that is what I love about films… you get a chance to be transported to the morality of the time… plus it is living and breathing around you. It’s surprising what you pick up from movies. Obviously in When Harry Met Sally… every idea on the battle of the sexes but in Shawshank… I asked myself about the twist ending a zillion times… did I look deeper at begining or did I just judge? But in Batchelor Mother, of all things I happened to notice the way the landlady was dusting picture frames when she was eves dropping…. Try it… you will NEVER use any other method… it works!

Greatest is not the same as favourite and trying to call something the greatest movie of all time is much more problematic. There are officially 19 different genres…. (Action, Animation, Bio-Pics, Comedy, Crime/Gangster, Disaster, Documentary, Epic, Fantasy, Horror, Musical, Mystery/Thriller, Propaganda, Romance, Science fiction, Sport, Travel, War, Western). No wonder it takes so long to get around Blockbuster!

Okay… I’m gonna call it… Now this wasn’t easy… it was hard, and there were moments when Cinema Paradiso 1988 (which is an Italian movie) nearly got it but I realised I was being a pretentious twat, there was also a moment when Gone with the Wind (1939) nearly got it, but the book IS better than the film so that got kicked back. I did think of Empire Strikes Back (1980) - but genius is not always greatness. I thought also of films from 2000 onwards. Many crossed my mind, I even give the brilliant movies Tropic Thunder (2008) and Live Free or Die Hard (2007) 20 seconds thought!...But then I got serious. Name a film that I truely believe Great.

There is always a seminal moment that makes a film stay with you forever… and of course it helps if the entire film is made of moments like that. For me there is just one stand alone film that has moment after moment and delivers a whole that is just… magic - ageless, timeless magic. Can you guess it…it’s the scene where the toll booth operator drops the coin and takes one second too long to get up. It’s the scene where a man who thinks he is racing to save his sister from a savage beating approaches a toll plaza, but instead a number of men emerge with Tommy Guns and brutally gun him down before he can flee. Yup… it’s the Godfather. Not part 2 (though good) and not the bind boggling travesty that was part 3 (proving forever that you really CAN have too much of a good thing). But wretched sequel apart – The Godfather (a movie version of a BOOK I hasten to add) is a masterstroke. To turn an excellent crime drama into a family epic was nothing short of greatness.

The director wished to engage our emotions and to do so, paid a lot of attention to the music. So perfect was the score for the film that the music was immediately burned into the consciousness of the world. Even today the The Godfather Waltz and the Love Theme from The Godfather, are still being used in full or in sample format in the tunes that form today’s charts. Which of course brings me to the third and final element that I indulge myself in… apparently to excess.

Like my movie collection, I have strayed beyond the one format when it comes to musc. Therefore Vinyl, Cassette and CD have to live in two rooms – downloads living much more compactly within the confines of digital storage. I have music dating from my first musical purchase (Ohio’s finest!... Wild Cherry’s Play that Funky Music – purchased in 7 in vinyl from Woolworths in the high street!) to the Freemason’s Heartbreak (Make me a Dancer) – downloaded legally in the comfort of my own living room! My music purchases started with singles. I still buy them, some of the greatest tracks have come from artists who have only ever had the broad stage once… and frankly have burnt out once that moment was achieved. Also there are artists who could not deliver to me an album I would want to hear – but lay one tune on me that I just have to have to be able to hear as often as I like. .. Kelis‘s Caught out there being one of those. But it is the albums that contain the soundtrack of my life…. I must own just under a thousand.

There is a school of thought that says one can only like music of compatible genres. I offend this school of thought BADLY. I like Indie music. I like rock music. I like pop music. I like Dance music. I like Reggae. I like R& B. I like trash metal. I like Nu jazz. I like hip-hop/rap. I like Bangra. I also like music from the period 1730–1820, by the Viennese school. In fact everyday I discover a new genre I like. To me it is not about the genre but the way music reflects enhances and validates my experience. Forget the genre, just pop on a slow melody when in need of consolation. Music heals. Richards Ashcroft’s Break the Night with Colour springs to mind. Pop on something with a triumphant melody Beethoven’s 5^th – the 4^th movement…. Tell me you don’t feel like the ruler of the world!. Pop on a fast number.. If I am in a jolly mood the music makes it even better (what is it about the intro to Michael Jackson's Billy Jean..cue stampeed!). It never hurts to just leap around to music… dance to death is my philosophy! Conversely a fast track can marshal me to action… 50 Cent’s Don’t Push Me has been the motivator behind me when the odds seem too much. Melody of music sets the tone and often gives to focus enough to problem solve -somehow the solution gets formed in my mind automatically while the melody plays.

However music with lyrics are unbelievably powerful. An album I play a lot of is The Thirteen Senses The Invitation. This album wandered into my life in 2004 at a time when guitar/piano anthems couldn’t have been any closer to the bottom of my list… after all Coldplay, Travis and Keane kind of had that all sewn up. I was wandering through HMV when a plaintive voice called me to “Come on, come on put your hand into the fire” the voice went on to ask me to explain the route from “Samaritan to sin”. The lyrics and performance seemed to reflect a moment in my life with totally emotional accuracy. I actually stood still for the rest of the song, then approached a member of staff to ask what was playing and purchased it. My neighbours have had to listen to wailing away to that track for 5 years now!

Like a book, Music does not restrict you to a place. Since the invention of recording, music can be exactly where you are. As I sit and type this blog, I spill the contents of my head to the virtual page as music wafts from the same device. This little technophobe would have to say thanks to whom ever invented the laptop… could never have got my old typewriter to play Haydn’s Cello Concerto in D back to back with The Black Eyed Peas’ The Energy Never Dies. Music is so delightfully transportable!

The difference with my metaphorical jewellery box and a real one is that I can share the contents. As I said I own no precious stones, no precious metals, nothing of value to lash around my neck, hung from my ears or sparkle on my fingers. I know there are those who admire such things as art. But for me, if art is about sharing the pleasure of beautyI see not how these things can be at all involved in that processs. Jewellery cannot truly do anything more than be owned and admired at a distance - it can’t really be shared. True artistry is not a question of ownership. I truly believe that it is more likely to be found in a book, a movie or a piece of music. These things come alive when shared in way that a bauble never could be. So my metaphorical jewellery box is filled with what gives deep pleasure because it gives a beauty that transmits that hope that something grander is at work than just the object itself. And that sends me into raptures of delight… and truly enriches my experience.

Blog 27: They Have to be told

They HAVE to be told

“Ever since the world began, it's been that way for man” From the song TELL HIM by The Exciters (Lyrics/Music : Bert Russell)

Another week in which I have had to put the kettle on get out the Scottish shortbread and listen to one of my male friends who cannot understand why on earth their significant other seems to be disgruntled with the way the relationship is going. I am amazed how many males of my acquaintance are sometimes gob-smacked that they have found themselves in the one night stand zone, or dumped after months of dating and have no idea how they got there. They sit expecting sympathy and moan to me “I just don’t get HOW that happened – I thought she and I were at the start of something good there”. It seems to be a mystery to some men why it is that the object of their affections would rather go it alone, or settle for someone else – than wait for the men in question to supply the relationship they wanted to be in.

I have to admit the kettle has been on a fair few times (chocolate hob nobs though) for my girlfriends who tell me that they are simply so tired of the strange guide book that men follow when dealing with us. With most of us entering the dating pit at 15, we’ve been there that many times there is really little need to invest a whole chunk of time waiting for the other person to just ‘call it’. When did all get so difficult? Nature was actually quite fair with us women – we have from 15-35 to find a male, settle and procreate. That is two whole decades! And yet as my limited supply of chocolate hob nobs will testify, many of my friends (at 35) still have not got beyond stage one. By the time they get to stage three – it’s a rather expensive and often heartbreaking route to procreation. My girlfriends are mystified at why it is they too are not where they want to be – relationship wise.

Of course dispensing advance and blame is a multi million pound industry. The bookshelves of most shops groan with the weight of relationship books – like Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus. While the media dispenses blame saying, that they know the reason for this lack of settling down. Apparently, women are so focused on their careers from 21- 35 that they simply do not have coupling on the agenda so the poor men have nothing else to do but bed hop till they are pushing 40 – by which time a woman of suitable age will be available... but her eggs will be a little troublesome.

Absolute piffle! Shall I blow the lid of this myth? Of course I ruddy will. How many women with ‘absorbing careers’ do you ACTUALLY know? I have many friends with jobs they quite like, I have many friends who intend to continue to have a job after having children, but I don’t have ONE who would trade a meaningful relationship for a name plate on a door in an office. You see - we are rather in tune with the circle of life – we know that death – like taxes- is a certainty and there ain’t ONE tombstone in the graveyard that reads “Much missed Employee”. Yes economic independence is important to us BUT we know in the final analysis you life is about what your existence meant to people – and not the people in the office, but the people who loved you.

This knowledge is not unique to women. I don't know any one romantic enough to believe Love conquers all. In fact Love may not conquer much but it does help make the armour we all need to face our battles. Men know this and Women know this. My teapot and biscuits are a testament to how having a significant other is important to both genders.

So, if I am saying I have male friends who want a relationship but they can’t get them off the ground, and I have female friends who want a relationship but can’t get them off the ground – what on earth do I think is going on then?

Well quite frankly – I think there is a HUGE communication problem. Which seems odd in this multi media age – where one has a multitude of ways of contacting someone! But technological advances seem to have done nothing to ensure both genders have smooth passage to the happy world of coupledom. The problem is two fold. Firstly there is a problem with using the technology available to get a relationship of the ground. The second problem is of course the quality of what is being said.

From the moment after the first spark is kindled… it all starts going wrong as THE PHONE GAME, is the platform from which a modern relationship will be launched.

Here’s the average scenario… Mr May-be-Right meets a member of the female of the species and believes he is interested in being something other than just a friend or an acquaintance. The female is lead to this belief by a series of courtship rituals that usually contain the singling out of that female for attention from that male. There will also be some physical actions that may contain all or some of the following, mirroring of body language, sensual touching, kissing and in more extreme cases some if not all of the sex act itself. The male of the species states categorically that he would like to see the female of the species again and requests – no insists! – on having her contact details to facilitate this.The female acquiesces.

The female of the species is expecting a call imminently to arrange what she imagines will be a date. The male of the species feels that to contact the female too soon after the last time he saw her will cause him some kind of cosmic damage… there for he must at least leave it for three days before backing that arrangement.

I can’t tell you how many of my male friends have found ‘her’ and have really great chemistry, but when they call her (eventually) she sounds rather indifferent. Sometimes they have to formally re-introduce themselves as the woman in question sounds rather blank as to who on earth they could be! They moan to me…”You women… you say we never call… but when we do you are like… so COLD!”.

Does any man know how much can happen in a woman’s life in three days? If the men of my acquaintance are to believed they honestly think women go into a kind of holding bay (free from all technology, other peoples input and other possibly more attractive offers) – where they just sit and wait patiently to hear.

Um…. No. Sorry guys… it really doesn’t happen. Instead, as each minute takes her further away from the chemistry you generated together… rather than wait with anticipation she starts to have doubts.

You have given a woman THREE WHOLE DAYS to talk herself out of what on earth attracted her to you in the first place! That gives her time to analyse your every flaw, your every movement, your every detail. She will talk to her friends –she may even talk to YOURS . That 72 hr hiatus is a great time to find out if you spun a line about your job – most companies list staff and job titles on the web. It’s also perfect for a little social networking site snooping. She will not rest till she finds reason to think you are not worth it (then she can stop checking her phone) – plain and simply put, women do not like to wait. If you like her… what is the hold up? If you met on Saturday and you don’t intend to ring till Wednesday…. You have dropped in rankings from hot to trot - to luke warm… if you are lucky.

Of course the passage of time is complicated to count for a man. I have male friends who have a problem as to how long three days actually is. My friend Tom recently met a girl at a mutual friend’s party. If Chemistry labs have substances that when brought together can bubble and smoulder… then this was less chemistry and more physics… we are talking wow reactions here. Tom really thought this was the start of something huge. They had a great time together – he took her number and said that ‘this’ was not gonna end when the party did.Yet when I spoke to her on the Wednesday – he still hadn’t called. Tom was counting from the Monday as the party finished on Sunday morning. He had it in his mind to call her on the Friday as by his maths you have to let three whole days pass so that would be Monday Tuesday and Wednesday then a gap on Thursday cause otherwise it would look like you are counting - so Friday it would be. He figured he’d send a message on Myspace on Thursday to announce his intention to call on Friday, so that she didn’t feel neglected. She had not only gone of the boil – she had actually decided to give it go with someone else while he was fannying around… being cool.

Thing that men have never figured out is that for as long as sex is consentual…a woman will ALWAYS knows where her next sex is coming from… while a man can only hope. She is not gonna sit around waiting for you to call. There is always another suitor. Always. (OMG – you thought you were the only man who couldpossibly be attracted to this woman?.. please take the pin and pop that bubble you fool!) Taking a number and sitting on it for half a week is absolutely daft! If you like her: DON’T LEAVE WITHOUT A COMMITMENT AS TO WHEN YOU WILL NEXT MEET. It is called a DATE for a reason! Sure take her number so sort out the minor details… but “I’ll call you” is bollix – you know it and we know it.

Of course not every man stumbles at the first date hurdle – the vast majority of my male friends are coupled up. Ask them about their relationships and they say… “Oh I care so much about her”. 20 months after the first date and they care. They have progressed since that 1^st date to being mutually exclusive. The girlfriend doesn’t use the L word so they don’t, co-habiting or marriage hasn’t come up so they don’t bring it up, and they aren’t house breaking each others pets – it’s just cool having someone to care about with ‘no drama’. In fact it only seems to be me counting how long they’ve been with the girlfriend they care for though as so often I hear “ has it really been 20 months?… its funny how time fly’s when things are going smoothly”.

You ask the girlfriend and she does seem to be well aware of the passage of time. She also has noticed how things have progressed. She says that when they were first together he did use to ring nightly ‘just to hear their voice’ – but now he kind of rings weekly – ‘just to check in’. He does remember her birthday of course but valentines day wasn’t what it was that first year. She says that you can’t expect it to be passion city every day – can you? And it when you hear them say it out loud and look in their eye… you know the guy is about to be dumped.Name me ONE woman who is gonna exclusively commit her time to a man who is ‘in care’ with her.

Not long after that conversation I have to put the kettle on and listen to my male friends ranting about “What the HELL is it that you women WANT!”. Because to him everything was going along so smoothly – so how come he is alone again?! Now this is the bit where all the women of my acquaintance are gonna aim both barrels at me for being a turncoat. I totally blame men for not getting a promising meeting of the ground because of fannying around with the phone game. But when a relationship just doesn’t progress… I really DO have sympathy for men here.

Men are by and large very simple creatures. If we don’t give them a framework of expectations – they’ll assume all is well. If we don’t tell a man how we feel – they would never know! I would be so bold as to say that even the phone game can be overcome by a canny woman who can articulate how she wants things to go.

If a man says “Can I have your number” and I am interested in him - I say “No… but I’m right here if you want to arrange to see me again”. You know what…. THEY LOVE IT. The smile on the man’s face that we NOW have something to talk about and he doesn’t have to depend on lines anymore. You actually get a great conversation going as you find out what each other are into and decide what you want to do on your first date… and when. You’d never leave a business meeting without a commitment… so why leave a hot guy without one?

And why on earth would you consider ending a successful date without a commitment for day and time of the next? And of course you shouldn’t bring it up on your doorstep! Weave it into conversation from the point YOU have decided you would like to see him again. If he won’t play… dump him. If the power of attraction on the early dates aren’t enough to compel him to move forward... he never will be.

Face facts – if you haven’t heard the L word any time in the 1st 11 months… it is NOT gonna happen. EVER. So say that is why you are leaving – then leave. And stay left.

Oh – if you ARE saying the L word then you’ve entered the commitment Zone – so you better be moving towards co-habiting. In my book a couple should be under the same roof within 24 months, unless there is a compelling reason why. (And frankly that has to be that you are waiting for the house to be built or arranging your wedding). Men know the consequences of the L word – but if they depend on you to make it clear that is where you are heading. Oh… and get a pet. It’s the perfect trial run for kids.

And for heaven sake – work out your DEAL BREAKERS! There is no point being with someone who doesn’t want kids, wants his mum to live with you, and wants to live in Angola – if you want twins, hate his mother and have a yearning to live in Brighton. TALK. Men are by and large simple BUT they do understand language. If you don’t say… they will NEVER KNOW. And be specific….there is no point whining about how you don’t like living in Luanda if all you said is you’d like to live on the coast… Luanda is on the Atlantic after all.

You can’t scare a man by telling him what it will take to make the woman he loves happy. Men like to know EXACTLY what is expected of them… and if he can’t do it he’ll say. And that is where YOU can decide where to compromise and if necessary when to walk. But if you sit around waiting for the unspoken to dawn on them… you think waiting for the phone to ring took a long time???.... Girlfriend you’ll be waiting ALL your life. Even in the novels of Jane Austen, the women ASKED for what they wanted in the end because the men simply just couldn’t figure it out.

You see, in my vast and colourful experience with men I have learnt, subtle hints don’t work, obvious hints don’t work… you just have to bloody say it! Men truly believe you said nothing because it was not important to you. But that is NO excuse for men to just sit back and expect women to do all the work – you ain’t the passenger on this route love – you are co-driver.

SO… PLEASE – throw away the relationship help books… just talk to each other!......men are from Earth – women are from Earth. GET USED TO IT!

I really hope this helps as I am now down to 6 bags of Yorkshire tea, 4 Scottish shortbread fingers and just the one hob-nob…. And I really did buy them for me.