BLOG 234 - Stick to your GUNS!

"It was a terrible mistake," says one of the Princess's friends. "She was against it. But one of her faults is that she can't say no."

"However there was not a single courtier," another recalls, "who did think it was a mistake at the time."

- Palace sources to the Media following Royal It's A Knockout June 1987

It’s not just a woman’s right to change her mind. If we had ever bothered to write down our constitution we would have enshrined it in words that as a nation we can deride something one minute then the next say… HEY!!! Best thing like EVERRRRR!

Actually we are not even very consistent about that. We don’t just change our minds about what we hate… sometimes we do it the other way around too. We are British. To understand us means that you appreciate we have no absolutes and we can have a general consensus of accepted wisdom for at least some of the year, but as quick as a flash revise our opinions. If you want to understand the Brits… then you BETTER be able to keep up!

So here are my top 5 about turns that I recall for this year:

No. 5. Dom Jolly is a British comedian best known for doing a skit back in the early 1990’s where a gentleman makes calls on his mobile phone - in public. This is a very unBritish thing to do; we leave the public displaying of private lives and angst to our cousins over the pond. To illustrate the point Dom Jolly’s prop was a mobile phone, approximately the size of Belgium. It has been a very British point of view that mobile telephone calls and handsets should be discreet. Then along came Samsung who unveiled their huge Galaxy Note smartphone. Cue nation making as many rubbish jokes about Dom Jolly as a Christmas cracker factory on the pipe.

Check us now: we don’t like we love, love, love the Galaxy series handsets. It turns out that Brits are not put off by holding a large handset to their ears after all. These large screen phones are now EVERYWHERE . We can go into 2013 expecting to see larger screens on every new model from every manufacturer. Even erstwhile fridge manufacturer LG are boasting that they’ll give the market a six inch model. Yeah I know … it’s like a seaside postcard!

No. 4. The very idea that any self-respecting man would drag a pair of trews up his hairy twigs that were any other colour than beige, blue or black was as alien to British culture as swapping socks with a stranger on a train. Then for some bizarre and as yet still unexplained reason a craze for coloured chinos took off. Suddenly you could go nowhere without seeing a fully grown man wearing red trousers.

Thankfully sanity is being restored by the authors of the blog 'Look At My Fucking Red Trousers' which catalogues people wearing red trousers and pointing out the stupidity of wearing such garb. We are now in  late December and I am delighted to report that your average British male is once more covering his lower regions in the three colours beginning with B. (And I don’t mean burgundy).

No. 3. I never quite understood why it was that suddenly everyone I knew was posting vintage style masterpieces. Apparently we had Instagram to thank for turning my friends shoddy snaps to art with their clever filters.

Then Facebook bought Instagram and by the end of the year brought in some new T and Cs. These told us that we didn’t own the pics we took of Uncle Herbert and that Facebook could do anything what they wanted with them. The love affair was over. Suddenly we all hate Instagram - except for me…who never understood what it was in the first place.

No. 2. Every decade has its day – it’s more fun to love a decade when you are not actually in it. Personally I have always loved the 1920’s. (Though I don’t rate my chances living a decade where all the young men died in the previous decades World War and the Great Depression was just around the corner). However hip decades in recent years have been the 1950’s. 1960’s and 1970’s. In 2012 we just couldn’t get enough of the 1980’s. Suddenly, the decade when taste died, whiney indie songs ruled and double denim was a good idea, was In.

Then Facebook came to the rescue. People saw photos of themselves (not stylised by Instagram) and realised satellite dish earrings, chambray shirts, and poufy hair was a mistake. Quick as a flash the '80s were Out. Then The Guardian newspaper suddenly claimed Menswear (dreadful 90’s band where the lead singer was more famed for his blue eye shadow than his vocal ability) were actually rather good. This spawned endless articles about Brit pop. Now apparently the 1990’s are back. And we’d only just got rid of the Spice Girls (**sigh deeply**)

No.1. JANUARY: WE are British. We are broke. Our capital has a chaotic transport system that is destined to tank if one more person gets on the Hammersmith & City line on a Sunday afternoon. We are not a nation of jolly smile at strangers people: we rush about being terribly busy with a slightly sour look on our faces. We lost our empire and have never got over it. Our Queen hasn’t smiled since Royal It’s A Knockout in ‘87 . How insensitive to host the fooking Olympics in LONDON against this backdrop! Who the hell elected Sebastian Coe master of the capital’s fate and purse strings.

DECEMBER: WHO were all those naysayers who spent the weeks before the games moaning about transport/corporate sponsors/drugged up athletes? Certainly no one who has been published or spoken publically since London Twentytwelve: WE ARE BRITISH. We always rise to the occasion don’t ya know? London is the greatest city in the world and we gave the world the best ever Olympics. Of course the Queen signed up for the James Bond skit – we’re a nation with a wicked sense of humour…don’t you remember Royal It’s a Knockout? Why is anyone surprised? We’ve been saying this from the very start and OMG don’t you love Sebastian Coe?

Yup…. The year of change that was 2012 in Blighty.

We adapt, we change and we refuse to go the route of dinosaurs. We leave ‘sticking to your guns’ to those who wish to die by them! No one could accuse us of refusing to change our ideas in the face of evidence of a changing tide.

It also means of course…. That we are always right.

And don’tchya just love that about us!

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BLOG 233 - MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!

"Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect." - Oren Arnol

Well, Merry Merry JaxWorld Readers… every blog  (and OMG we are looking at 233 of them since we started taking the lid of my wibbly wobbly world)  begins with a quote from someone way much wiser than I.

So as my yuletide gift to you folk… I thought I would leave you on the night before Christmas with a few quotes for this time of year:

SO… here we GO:

EDDY SIMS: I’m glad I never see Santa’s face when I open my pressies… I miss that awkward moment when he realises he has left the price on the gift

ESTELLA TRIGJE: Santa list would be different if he could close his eyes at the weekends – I’d so make the good list.

ANDREA STRONG: If  Santa read your Facebook status he’d be buying you a bloody good dictionary for Christmas

DENNIS MILLER: Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

JAY LENO: The supreme court ruled that there could not be a nativity scene in Washington DC. They couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

JOAN RIVERS: Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while. (X) Fuck it. I'll buy my own shit.

JAXWORLD BLOG: Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

BILL WATERSON: Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer...Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

And finally….Festive season quotes for all the poor saps who have to earn a crust

DILBERT: Why is Christmas like any other day in the office? The little people do all the work and the fat guy in the suit turns up last minute and takes all the credit.

HARRY B THAYER: At this time of year out comes the FUN boss. I wish to remind him, It is possible to fool the people you work for. It is more difficult to fool the people you work with. But it is almost impossible to fool the people who work under you.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER: There are worse things than working over Christmas: Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

BILL GATES: Here at work we're all just trying to get a job done. My people have the confidence of their convictions and they know their skills. And that occupies most of their time - I'm on holiday.

SARAH GEE: I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, 5% Friday! This year I'll give a full 23% - up 13% on 2011!

BT OPERATIVE: At work you might hear me say, 'How can I help you?' but my tone says, 'What the fuck do you want?'

TYLER WILCOX: Another day at work...I'm having as much fun as a colour-blind person playing twister.

SARA SANTIGO: I use sarcasm at work because slapping the shit outta someone on Xmas day is looked down on by management.

GEMMA ARETON: I'm looking at working with people I get on with, that respect me, that don't just see me as from the outside. Which I have experienced as well. I don't want that in my life. I want to enjoy the work I do.

PETER FALK: Never take your mind to work. If your mind is at work, we're in danger of reproducing another cliche. If we can keep our minds out of it and our thoughts out of it, maybe we'll come up with something original.

HEATHER HARTNER: I don't have a problem with idiots. I just have a problem working with them.

MERLE SHAIN: You can employ men and hire hands to work for you, but you must win their hearts to have them work with you. You'll need to have won both for them to come in for you on Christmas day.

And let’s finish up with the words of wisdom from a man, much much wiser me:

"I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays--let them overtake me unexpectedly--waking up some fine morning and suddenly saying to myself: 'Why this is Christmas Day!'" - Ray Stannard Baker

Happy Christmas one and all…. See you on the other side – Jax.

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BLOG 232 - SPOILSPORT!!!

"The rigorous practice of rugged individualism usually leads to poverty, ostracism and disgrace. The rugged individualist is too often mistaken for the misfit, the maverick, the spoilsport, the sore thumb.”  Lewis H. Lapham

Yep it's that time of year again...Yuletide. The season of goodwill to all men. 

Now as all you JaxWorld readers know I am a HUGE fan of the season. What is not to like, friends and family gathering close, festive food and drink, lots of occasions for dressing up and on top of it all a quietly reflective time when we look back on the past 12 months and ask ourselves if we are living our lives as our spiritual guides intended.

As you can tell my the distinct lack of fresh blogs over the past weeks, it has been a very hectic time for me. I can hardly recall a night where I was in my own abode over recent weeks, my attendance at events varying from going to choral concerts, to joining friends at Hyde Park's WinterWonderland,  to dancing the night away at clubs, to having moscow mules on the roof tops of Battersea, to enjoying the festivities as Richmond lit up for the season... it's been pretty non-stop - and there is no sign of a reprieve till we are safely in 2013. 

People often comment that I do tend to live my life like I'm a candle to be burnt at both ends and the middle, and maybe that is a fair comment. But I think the key to having an enriching and varied social life is to be interesting enough to be invited in the first place - and be polite enough to turn up. I think all JaxWorld readers are pretty clear about my views on Camelpoodles - but if you are new to the blog (and there have been a few hundred newbees recently - so WELCOME!) basically a Camelpoodle is someone who heartly agrees to go to a function, then always cancels at the last minute with a flimsy excuse. It is safe to say that no one could EVER accuse Jax of camelpoodling... I think it is an honour to be invited to anything, therefore if one says one will be attending one should. (end off). 

However I am not the person who will turn up to the opening of a crisp packet. 

             

I do give full consideration to what I am saying yes to before I commit. And if it clashes with other commitments - even if the secondary invite is more favourable  - then it's a no thank you. And if it is something I know full well is not something I could possibly enjoy, then a decline is also on the cards. However, as I said it is more likely that if I'm invited to something I'll be there - most of my friends know exactly what kind of things float my boat. 

That said I do occasionally get an invite out of politeness. If it involves a sporting activity, most people know that I may be 'washing my hair'… so the recent 5 aside tournament went ahead without me, along with the badminton and ice skating! Though I did managing to meet up with all involved afterwards. Needless to say mindless activities such as paintballing went down a treat with me...it's just amateur competitive sport that has me minding the coats in the bar!  

Normally I'm happy to give most things a go... after all, the activity is usually just an umbrella to get everyone to huddle under. It's the turning up that creates the goodwill with friends and family. 

Therefore it was a little surprising to find myself recently cast in the role of Spoilsport. 

MOI! 

Gawd bless the French for coming up with the idea of the toilet cubicle. You find out more about how people view you by lingering in the toilet cubicle that you ever would in an honest face to face conversation! 

That said, it was not my intent to linger in the bog. I was wearing a rather retro DNKY top (remember the 'poppers'?!!) and was fumbling to get the darn thing reattached. Anyone who recalls Donna Karan's smooth fronted tees will know that the look involves having to raise one foot on the loo seat to attach the poppers. Thus I should imagine that when the two girls came into the loo to have a 'private' chat and checked the stalls for feet... mine were well out of view. 

Actually on that subject... it's a PUBLIC toilet.... the clue is in the name … I wouldn't consider anywhere flagged up as PUBLIC a place suitable for a PRIVATE conflab! 

Anyhoo.... 

In the come and start discussing the prior nights 'AMAZEBALLS pre-Xmas gathering'. 

"So..." say girl 1 after a brief conflab about who got off with whom "What do you think the REAL reason was why Jax didn't come" 

After a short analyses of ludicrous reasoning (including a deep and meaningful crash I apparently have on one her consorts....NEWS to me!) Girl 2 announces "Well you know what she is like... if it's not all about her, and she can't be centre of attention...she won't go, she's such a bitter one that one...can't just go with the flow...what a spoilsport!" 

There was more mutterings in which they agreed I had hugely missed out and my attempts to ruin the pleasure of the event for others by my 'theatrical and unnecessary' refusal to attend. They finished powdering their noses and left the loo. 

Like I said it is amazing what you can learn about yourself in a public loo! Well when I finished laughing and fighting with DNKY's retro nightmare... I went back, joined the crowd and acted none the wiser. 

But I am. 

Still... onwards and upwards. Seven days and it will be Christmas - the mass of the Christ. "Turn the other cheek" he said. So... in the spirit of the season I will. 

Which is rather sporting of me, I think! 

                                                                                                                                                

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