BLOG 116: Lady Adverts

"Whenever a taboo is broken, something good happens, something vitalising. Taboos after all are only hangovers of fearsome people who hadn't the courage to live" Henry Miller. Author Extraordinaire.

My friend and I were watching TV at her house and the adverts came on. Now I do have to admit that ‘the ads’ are sometimes the best thing on TV. While many use the commercial break as an opportunity to refill the tea cup, run to the loo, or make a quick phone call – the ads have an avid viewer in me.

I find few things as accurate at showing where we are as a nation as watching television commercials. The development of Britain can be seen in the many hues and shades of the people seen enjoying the promoted products. Where we are on gender politics can be viewed as easily as absorbing the latest car ad. And of course what we allow to be advertised and what we don’t is very telling. I grew up in a word of cigar and cigarette adverts that now seem almost fantastical. Who would believe that the term ‘life-style brand’ could ever have been associated with what is now thought of as ‘demon cancer sticks’. But as I said… television commercials simply show us where we are.

My friend became quite agitated at the three adverts that had just past and quickly picked up the remote and pressed mute. (Never a good sign when a woman does that – always means a rant is coming).

“OH MY GOD!!! I hate those ads!!! – what’s the time?”

Although not quite getting the correlation between adverts and the time of day I promptly informed her it was 6.45. (15 minutes before seven in the evening for my American readers).

“Quarter to Seven on a Saturday Night and they are showing THAT… I mean ANYONE could see… have they NO shame??”

In the ensuing rant it became clear that my friend had become agitated over the product advertised in the past three advertisements.

• A lady shaver that had a pubic hair attachment
• A new brand of tampons
• An absorbent panty pad for female incontinence

My friend (who is younger than me) went on to add that it’s not fair on men to sit and relax in their own homes on a Saturday evening and be bombarded with information about what she views as ‘Lady Issues’.

“They used to be more sensitive about this stuff, never put it on TV… it should be advertised in Women’s magazines…somewhere where men and innocent children don’t have to see it”

I have to admit laughing at my friend and proceeded to call her Grandma for the rest of the evening. But it did get me thinking about how and why it is that suddenly we The Uptight Brits are no longer so uptight (my friend aside) about Women’s Things.

Women’s Things have always been shrouded in mystery. The workings and applications of Women’s Things have historically been shrouded even from young females…until they reach ‘the age’ where it is considered wise to inform them.

By Women’s Things I don’t mean strappy sandals, mascara or bottles of Lambrini. I mean biological things that happen to women and all the equipment that goes with it. Menstruation with it’s strange apparatus of white cotton plugs, towels, wings and strings, Hair Removal with it’s waxes, creams, lotions and razors, to say nothing of the variety of Secretions, Discharges, Hormone Imbalances, Fluid Retentions and Leakages. Then of course the BIG one… the one that all the above is linked to – Reproduction. These are things that concern women… and had certainly never been considered by either sex to be the business of men.

Till about 1975.

Because in 1975, someone considered it may be quite a nice idea if women want an input along with the men on decisions that start wars and lead to death and destruction, wouldn’t be only fair if men got involved in reproduction which after all is the most important decision in the world. British Women (who like most western women had their complaints about male oppression acknowledged) wanted equal opportunity and we all know fairness and equality doesn’t work well without swopping taboos for knowledge.

So Women’s Things came out of the mud hut at the end of the village and into the main cut and thrust of everyday life.

It all started with changing men’s approaches to the making of babies.

Now to my fathers generation this new development had come comfortingly a little late. The women of their age group had been trained to just deal with ‘it’ and they as men were expected to do was to keep their heads down and avoid annoying ‘her indoors’. Being pregnant was something that happened to women and women alone. It was widely understood that there would be some physical discomfort but the reward was they also would experience the miracle of making a whole new person. And who was a mere man to disturb that kind of deal. It could be expected that occasionally a father would change a nappy or bottle feed once the offspring arrived. Of course at some point most fathers were expecting to have an influence in the offspring’s development but active involvement at the messy end was not a requirement of men making babies.

But for the fathers that followed that generation the chivalrous offering of seating, lifting heavy objects, carrying the shopping and nipping to the pub for a few pints while she popped his offspring out – was no longer enough. That a man could no longer say “I got her pregnant” – he was to declare “WE are pregnant”. And for him to do that he must shake off the mantle of supporting voyeur and become involved. And to become involved meant men were supposed to share the WHOLE experience: go to antenatal classes, understand morning sickness, tiredness, mood swings and be ready with surgical implements to cut to cord. Gold stars would be given to those who could rustle up a hearty stew that incorporated the nutritional placenta. They were to be familiar with what to do with the issue of breast pumps. And of course (to give the mother a deserved break), fathers were now supposed to strap their mewling babies to their chests, and stalk of to the chemist in search of jumbo panty pads.

What was so amazing about this radical suggestion to invite men into what was previously a women-only zone… was how readily men embraced it. In fact any man who did not was referred to as ‘an insensitive Neanderthal” (by other men as well as female folk!)

So with both men and women on board of the procreation express it didn’t take long for all the other women only issues to suddenly become men’s business too. Next stops… Menstruation, Female Incontinence, Pubic Hair Removal and terminating at Menopause.

My friend objected to the advertisements which suggested life goes on whether you are having a period, suffering from urine leaks, or asked to slip into a Brazilian bikini! She felt on an early Saturday evening when the TV audience would certainly include Men and children, such adverts should be treated with some delicacy. Well she may have a point about the lack of delicacy… these advertisements do not pull punches about their subject matter or what the product is for.

Tampax are happily showing an advertisement where a pop star gets her period in the middle of shooting a promo whilst wearing all white with a boy leaning into her lap. Of course for her life carries on. The old fashioned way of life stopping because of this occurrence is represented in the advertisement by an out of touch middle aged lady from the 1950’s.

There is little acknowledgement given to a taboo about female incontinence caused by weakened pelvic floors. Post child birth ladies ride camels, abseil and go salsa dancing in absorbent Tena Lady Panty Pads and we are reliably informed that no ‘odour’ can be detected whilst wearing the product. For Tena Ladies at least a very full and active life goes on.

And we all know the advertisement where the bushes get trimmed and women are informed that ‘What ever your style’ Wilkinson Sword’s new bikini line shaver will ensure your pubic hair will be as neat as topiary.

The thing is I just can’t see that bringing these issues that affect every female once womanhood is bequeathed to her is actually a bad thing. So what if the boys are looking!

I recall the boys of my youth happily singing along with a radio jingle “Sylphs… Simplicity it self!” while their fathers cringed at the very thought of their son even knowing the name of a major brand of sanitary towel let alone finding it’s radio jungle melodic! Of course we have come along since then… now the word ‘period’ is said so often on TV there is no need for the euphemisms of my youth ‘time of the month’ , ‘monthly visit’ ‘on the rag/blob’. Period is now an acceptable term in polite company. And so it should be… face facts if you are in a room with women under 60 it is likely someone is having a period. What is so wrong about advertising the merits of the various products on TV so she can make an informed choice about what to buy to assist her.

I do get my friends point that advertising is about life-style choices and ‘Women’s Things’ are NOT life style choices. I agree. But because we can now advertise ‘Women’s Things’ on TV what products we buy to deal with them IS.

And THAT has to be a good thing.

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BLOG 115: BMX boys and LIDO girls

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."-Henry Youngman British-born comedian and violinist

I used to think that, love and romance was existing in a vacuum and pretending the outside world did not exist. The facts seemed to support that notion. You’d meet someone special and they’d envelope you and make you feel that you were part of some magic enchanted world. It was everything that normal life was not, and there would be plenty of time for the hum drum routine later. I looked at my friends setting down and thought they were missing out – especially if they made their choice to settle down early. Imagine being married at 18 and a parent before 20… all the stuff you’d miss out on– unpredictability, trendy nightclubs, nightly sex. Why trade that in for routine, responsibility and companionship.

David and Janet met when me and my mates came out of the Lido one hot summer. He cycled up and asked her out. One minute she was walking down the road with him while he pushed his bike and the next she was walking down the aisle. I remember being at their wedding thinking how Jan looked like a little girl dressing up as she posed for her wedding pictures. It seemed unreal to me that anyone would do something as radical as getting married just at the point that the rest of us were setting off for University. It seemed daft for anyone with such good A’ levels to trade them in for a life of domesticity.

So Jan got married, and the rest of us scattered to the four winds as we began life’s great adventure. Decades have rolled on since Jan’s wedding. Jan has had many children and I have had many enchanted worlds. I had no idea how Jan felt about her life but I certainly don’t regret any of mine and I have really loved the life I have lived. To be honest I have given Jan and Dave little thought beyond the annual Christmas card ritual. That was until an invitation to their “Under the Sea” themed party invite to celebrate their Pearl Wedding Anniversary plopped on my mat.

Well, it was a lovely occasion (okay the Pearl theme was a little OTT – but hey Little Mermaid was the film that saved Disney!). Jan and Dave are looking at going into middle age with children off their hands (their youngest is now mid twenties). The kids all seem to have done well for themselves, though notably none have followed in their parents’ footsteps of marrying young. The years of being together and raising four children didn’t seem to have taken much toll as Jan and Dave and seemed almost as sickeningly in love and cohesive as they did at 17.

There is nothing like someone else’s landmarks to make you reflect on your own. Having never made it past the 15 year mark with the same person, I asked them how on earth they did 30 years. Day after Day with the same person – how do they continue to survive the ups and downs of a relationship without saying as I have – “It’s not worth it, I need to go”. They looked at me with surprise as if they’d been asked something strange.

After a second or two to collect herself, Jan said “We don’t really have ups and downs. When I look at David I still see that boy with the BMX who asked me to go for a walk with him. He’s never tried to change me or make me feel I could be anything better than who I am. I like the person I am when I’m with my husband. There is no one in the world whose company I enjoy more than his. He’s the centre of my world, my reason for being. The only time I feel bad when I’m with him is when I imagine what my life would be like without him”

I was flabbergasted and some what relieved when David smiled and said his wife was sentimental and possibly drunk. But then he added

“But seriously, I often think that we were just lucky to meet so young – I think it’s good that we met before life gave us too much luggage. I’ve never lost sight of the fact that Janet’s smile is the thing that makes me most happy. That’s my goal in life – to keep seeing that smile. So many couples forget to have fun, to just muck about and make each other smile. And as for the kids… I know people thought we were mad having so many so young, but I think people make such a big performance out of having kids. They just add kids to their great big list of things to worry about… they forget to enjoy them”

“Yes” chimed in Jan. “People let the bumps in the journey worry them, but they are just bumps…not the final destination. We’ve had tantrums, tears, visits to casualty, other parents to apologise to, bad school reports… more dramas than a soap! But we never let that bother us because we know we have good kids and whatever happened in the future things would work out for them as long as we enjoyed them. And we have, every moment we enjoyed them and loved them unconditionally – and we told them they’d be fine… and look at them now!”

And that was that really.

I had an enjoyable evening eating their food, drinking their booze and dancing to tunes I hadn’t heard in decades…. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BRASS CONSTRUCTION???... (man that took me back!) It was nice to catch up, realise I am STILL aging better than most of my contemporaries (oh well what can I say I’m SHALLOW). And it was nice to see that love can last.

But what I took away from the party (Other than sore feet, and a hangover from HELL)…was that Jan and Dave had cottoned on to something that seemed to have escaped the rest of us.

Life is simple.

The rest of us seem to look for convoluted solutions to straight forward challenges. No wonder we tie ourselves in knots we cannot unravel and are left with the only solution of cutting the links.

Jan and Dave figured out long ago that if you just make it your goal to make your partner smile and also make it your goal to enjoy your children…. and can stop trying to fix things that don’t need fixing and allow the journey to take place… you will have cause to celebrate as you arrive at the destination.

How did the rest of us miss that?

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BLOG 114: Going Back To The Future TOO!

“I’ve been duped! … it was an elaborate hoax by some nerd at TotalFilm magazine! Don’t they think about the innocents when they mess with the future!” Annabel Cove, Travel Genius, Wifey of Britain’s Best Chef and General Cool Person.

If a hoax is so good it dupes Annabel Cove… then it’s a VERY good hoax. The jury isn’t in yet as to whether or not it was deliberate but I think photoshopping the flux capacitor to show July 2010 kind of colours the verdict. And I’m afraid we can’t blame the Yanks for this one… this was a very British hoax.

What happened apparently was that somebody at the TotalFilm tweeted on the Monday night of July 5 2010. The nameless person stated that the date July 6 2010, was the date input by Doc Brown in "Back to the Future II" for heading into the future, making Tuesday "Future Day." That tweet worked its way around the Web before the truth could turn its flux capacitor on.

So needless to say the nation was plunged into a “MY! Doesn’t time fly” wallow in nostalgia as everyone tried to figure how life has changed since 1985. Always the head of the pack when it comes to cool observations, I received an email from Annabel complete with a picture of the flux capacitor showing the date. Always one to follow cool peoples lead, I facebooked the cool observation to my friends.

My friends who by and large are not a cool as Ms Cove when it comes to observations and ALWAYS take things personally, launched into a catalogue of complaints…

“Where is my hover board?!”

“I was never given a self drying jacket!”

“Looking out the window… no cars flying! Why NOT!!!”

“I’m complaining to LoveFilm – I asked for the whole Jaws series and they’ve missed the last 16!”

I had to explain that Back to the Future was a film and not a fanciful inventions delivery service. But the general consensus was one of disgruntled dissatisfaction at the advances in technology since the film came out in 1985.

Newspapers, Television, and Radio were happier to join the nostalgia fest. Grateful for an easy out (it is the silly season here, there is no real news in summer in the UK and newscasters struggle to fill schedules and pages) reflections on what was then and what is now dominated the information highways. Every man Jack was invited to relay tales of the amazing inventions that have changed the world since October 26 1985. “We are NOW in the FUTURE” they proclaimed.

The truth is, of course, that in the original film, Marty McFly (played by Michael J. Fox) travels from October 26, 1985, back to the same date in 1955. In the sequel he DOES travel into the future from 1985 -- but it's still OUR future too… October 21, 2015. In the third and final film, he travels back to 1885. July 2010 does not figure anywhere in the trilogy.

Not that it stopped the UK getting all misty eyed about listening to Spandau Ballet and wearing white socks in public. Before long the story had spread globally and the planet was measuring where they are now by where they were in 1985.

When the error finally came to light, TotalFilm apologised -- sort of - admitting they got the date wrong, but claimed innocence on Photoshopped image (which curiously started on THEIR website before it made its way around the Web). The nostalgia for 1985 faded as soon as it started and it retook its place in history as a year where not much happened and everyone sighed with relief that we have 5 more years before we have to dodge kids whizzing about on hover boards.

But to me the whole thing was a very 2010 event. It really did highlight how much HAS changed . One thing that has certainly changed since 1985 is information technology. In 1985 if you wanted to start a rumour you had to do an awful lot of whispering in ears and general leg work. However one text message of less than 140 characters… and 100 million people are in the loop. Add to that one image posted on a website and 49,000 people with a shared interest (oh what the hell… NERDS) have all the evidence they need. Add to that the furious amount of retweeting and forwarding via email and social networks and you can pretty much have the planet thinking what you thought at breakfast…by teatime.

It’s so strange how technology is now so benign that it exists as a social tool. In 1985 our attitude to technology was so different, technology been just revealed to have destroyed the basic ecological foundation of human life. The discovery in 1985 of a hole in the Earth's protective ozone layer, a hole allegedly caused by chlorofluorocarbon refrigerants, made us all believe our fridges were evil (our hairdryers too) and that technology was killing us. (It took us a while to figure out we could blame our cars instead and go back to having chilled food and manageable hair). Technology was scary in 1985, people were just starting to make people in test tubes – everyone worried about genetic modification of people… and didn’t notice that our tomatoes were suddenly the size of a persons head. (It took us a while to realise IVF=Good, GMF=Bad).

The only real technology in 1985 that felt comfortable was the 4 year old International Business Machines (IBM) personal computer. It was a misnomer calling it personal as since its intro in 1981, it was really just an office tool – but before then computers were floor to ceiling affairs that certainly could not fit on one person’s desk. It took us no time at all to realise that the IBM computers were dramatically improving business practices, and showing signs that they may affect communications technology (Telex anyone?)

The thing that REALLY restored the faith of many in the potential of technology was the movies. Back to Future II, showed us a vision of the future that wasn’t too far away, where life was comfortingly familiar but the improvements were beyond our 1985 capabilities. It didn’t seem too far fetched to any of us that skate boards would hover, jackets would self dry, cars would fly and Jaws would carry on with sequels till the end of time.

Funny enough – there is little mention in the film of information technology advances – Marty McFly doesn’t use much social networking, can’t recall him chatting on his mobile phone either! In 1985 technological advancement just didn’t take communications technology into account.

Which makes it all the more droll that Marty was brought back to the future of 2010, by exactly that!

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BLOG 113:Vorsprung durch technik?

“The Germans.....crap at comedy, war, Jewish relations and music (well apart from classic era Scorpions of course) but you can't knock them when it comes to football and pornography.” James Tyler, British Rock God (lately Citizen of Canada)

Today is the day we decide what matters… passion or technical excellence.

European champions Spain go up against the football machine that is Germany in Durban today to decide who faces Holland in the final of the 2010 World cup. The Germans are looking to exact revenge on the Spanish for the Euro 2008 final.

Germany have a host of bruised players with hamstring and foot injuries only just recovered from and also have a key midfielder on suspension. BUT they also have Miroslave Klose who just needs one more goal to equal the record of 15 goals at the World cup Finals. This is more unbelievable when you consider that Klose is an ageing footballer who struggled to get a game for his club last season. You can’t underestimate the technical excellence when this squad are on the pitch… they play to win regardless.

The Spaniards too have injuries to contend with… shoulder knocks, leg injuries and players with blurred vision. But Spain also have The Divine David Villa. (For JaxWorld readers who have been on Mars or the USA for the past few years… David Villa is left-footed, right-footed, passionate and technically gifted. He has to be combated with a whole team, not just one defender – hence his £30million price tag.) You can’t underestimate the passion of this squad, they play a beautiful game.

There are no favourites in this tie. The bookies are giving short odds. It could go either way. The true favourite will be the one who ends this game as the winner. With Klose and Villa on the field this match is gonna be played out in the 18 yard box. This is football at its most exciting.

No disrespect to Holland they have done well to get to the final (taking Brazil’s scalp on the way) but THIS is the final we all wanted to see… Spain V Germany’s semi final has stirred more passion than the actual final ever will. THIS is the de facto final. And sides are being taken.

Unlike the vast majority of my country men I am in the camp of passion… no surprise there… I declared my allegiance to Spain long before a ball was kicked in World Cup 2010.

Given the turbulent history between these two nations and the UK… it’s been an interesting build up to the semi-final. Historically, Spain is the older enemy of these shores… every school child can tell you all about the Armada they sent to try and bring us into line (and how we dispatched it to the four winds!). As for the Germans… the 20^th century was mostly spent with us beating them in wars, the 1966 World Cup, and to sun loungers in Spain.

True, the Germans are not alone in romancing fascism, the Spanish only got around to giving that up in 1975. And the Germans did give us or current royal family and share our protestant take on Christianity… we have more in common with our northern European cousins. But the southern part of this continent has an infinity with the UK our teutonic neighbours gaff just doesn’t give us. 790,000 of us chose Spain as the place to build our homes and we’ve been the main stay of their tourist industry for years. One in ten of us have visited Spain at least twice against the one in forty that have even been to Germany once.

And it’s not just history and geography - to the UK mind the Spanish image is warm, friendly and accommodating and the German image is cold, calculating and precise. We gravitate towards passionate Spaniard every time over and above the technically minded German.

So you can imagine my surprise that the British Press (and the majority of the nation with them) are backing the Germans tonight.

And I quote:

“It'll be a travesty if Germany doesn’t win this. Spain has been dull and lucky to sneak through their last 2 games while the Germans have been scintillating and unstoppable.”

“I've a bad feeling that Spain will win this, which would be devastating … with the way the Germans have been playing it would be hard to begrudge them”

“Spain are just jammy cheaters lucky to be there… Germany has blitzed almost every team that’s opposed them, I worry Spain will win given the fickle and sometimes very cruel nature of the game...”

“What has sealed a German place in our hearts above all, though, is Saturday’s result in Cape Town: Argentina 0 Germany 4.Not only did they beat the hated Argies but they did so by a margin that made our pitiful display against them six days earlier look a little more acceptable. I never thought I’d say this while sober but “Come on you Germans.”

Well… Sorry I TOTALLY DISAGREE.

Spain has a totally superior midfield. They have ONLY conceded 2 goals and as strange as this sounds about a team in the World Cup Semi Finals… we haven’t seen anything LIKE the best of them yet. I hope they plan to move David Villa into the middle, as they have looked a better side whenever that has happened. Thing is Villa just can't stop scoring; tap-ins or great goals, and Germany don't need me to tell them he is the one man they have to stop. The fact that Spain have scored six goals and he has got five of them says it all. The only thing Germany had that they don’t was Mueller and he is suspended… so I reckon the Germans will play an open game which will be their downfall.

Spain deserves to win this one. This is their best world cup performance for “The Red Fury”. Germany have won the tournament multiple times sure… but who EVER feels happy about a German win that isn’t German?

The final should be Spain V Holland. It should be because I for one have not yet forgiven Germany for Euro 96, when they knocked us out on penalties, with a squad of Panzer commands like Kahn, Freund, Eilts, Reck, Strunz, and Kuntz. I know that squad are long gone, but I don’t think I could bear to see Spain wearing the same pained expression that we wore that sunny day at Wembley.

So… when all is said and done, THIS is all that JaxWorld has to say on the matter…

¡Gane La Victoria Roja de Furia! Su es su tiempo.

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BLOG 112: Brazilian Dreams

“That’s great, tell him he’s Pele and send him back on.” John Lambie, Legendary Scottish footballer and manager – and Messiah-like legend

Adriana Lima is a Brazilian Supermodel with FANTASTIC hair. I want Adriana Lima’s hair. Even with all cheats known to mankind I cannot achieve this. It seems I will never be mistaken (even from the rear in a fog) as Adriana Lima as far a hair goes. I celebrate my colourful heritage daily but there are days when I wish just ONE of my ancestors could have got it on with a Brazilian. It would have been good for the gene pool.

During the early part of this week, I once more set off to achieve the Adriana Lima look that has always escaped me. I was held hostage in hairdressers for ages while they tried to make something gorgeous out of my unruly mop. While I pushed hairdressing technology to the edge, Latino ladies with glorious silken tresses came in and glided out. They needed but an 8^th of the time to achieve a far superior finish. Thus, feeling bitter and twisted towards my Latin neighbours in this cosmopolitan city of ours, I popped into the bookies on the way home and put £15 on Holland to thrash the buggers in the football. That’ll teach them for being folicially superior. (My hair despite the attentions of London’s best was still busy paying homage to the coiffeurs of the 1974 Holland team).

This morning I woke up to note it was quarter final day World Cup 2010. I reminded myself that 4-time winners Brazil would this afternoon (GMT) be going head to head against the their arch rivals Holland. Battle of the yellow and orange…again. It would be the 4^th time they have met in this competition (oddly it’s always in the knockout stage). When they first met Brazil were World Cup holders having enjoyed the Brazilian legend Pele’s last world cup in 1970. And yet all I can remember is the orange fellas kicking the flash South Americans butts in 1974… while the yellow shirts wins of ’94 and 98 have completely faded from my recollection.

So as I said, I woke up today and acknowledged that today the outcome of my rage against the silken heads of Cochabamba would be played out with drama, excitement and aggression…and some bloody good footie. Going purely by historical stats, Brazil has the upper hand. I said a prayer that we can see Holland emerge with 1974’s victorious 2-0 score sheet. However for a tournament which has already seen golden teams like Italy, France and England, take an early plane…everyone else believed the final would obviously be staring the remaining giants of Argentina and Brazil. Everyone else was just dog meat on the way… so Holland were a certainty to lose today.

But for me (with my hair looking not unlike Wim Rijsbergen circa 1974)... I just wanted to believe. Brazilian girls are blessed with some of the best genetics in the world… but as this girl had spent 7hrs under the ministrations of the finest of London’s hair technicians… that genetics are not necessarily enough to keep my hair looking like a spaniels ears. Brazil certainly have some of the best players in the world… but as this world cup has shown us over and over again… that being the best is not necessarily enough to keep you in the tournament.

Besides £15 at 20/1 is £315 in anyone’s calculations – it was worth a punt.

It is now 18.41. (that’s 18 minutes before 7pm to my US readers). I have been celebrating …dancing like it was Mardi Gras.

Brazil are OUT of the 2010 World Cup, despite going into half time beating Holland.

It’s not the 2-0 from 1974 … but then the Holland team seem to have better hair… so things HAVE changed.

It’s 2-1. They came back in the second half and WON. For all of us who support underdogs, for all of us who want to believe it isn’t all over till the final whistle blows… and for the little girl who cheered them in 1974 who in 2010 had poodle hair. They beat the odds!

There is nothing so certain as being outclassed by people who just have naturally stuff better than you. Be it Brazilians born with the golden boot or London Latino chicks with Pantene locks. But in the second half the Dutch came back and clawed their way to the finish, and in the second half of this week… my hair finally corkscrewed like Adriana Lima’s! It was a miracle… for both of us!

I don’t know what happened in the Dutch dressing room at half time to send those defeated boys back out there with fire in their belly. I don’t know what happened to make my hair suddenly give up the spaniel ears either. But I suspect in both cases it was like a football match a long time ago in which the great John Lambie was told that a concussed player did not know who he was he responded…

“That’s great, tell him he’s Pele and send him back on.”

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