BLOG 123: What Women Want

“If poets were realistic, they wouldn't be poets” Peter Davison, British Actor

I'm going to say it up front – when men complain that they can't please women... they are probably right. Hang on! Before you build a pyre to burn me on as a traitor to my gender... think about it. Do you really think that women do not routinely expect to gain what can't be got? Face facts, women ARE very aspirational creatures. We're not very interested in realism, we do seem to be hard-wired to pitch ourselves at goals that are unobtainable. We can easily visualise what could be and we find it difficult to be satisfied with what is... unlike men.

I once came across an analogy that described the hard-wiring of humanity as divided into 2 types of writer. Men were referred to as the reporters and women as the poets. The thinking behind this was that men apparently are able to see what is and women see what could be. This fundamental difference in hard-wiring it was claimed explains in entirely the difference between the genders.

I have to admit I have come to agree with this rather odd way of looking at things – however it was a long road to get there. Going on the evidence of my eyes I only had to witness men chatting up women in a bar to see the flaws in the idea of men seeing 'what is'. There are men I refer to as “Small dogs climbing onto a high sofa” as they seem oblivious to the idea that the woman they are after is out of their league and you are nothing but amazed when you see them in action. There has to be a certain amount of 'what could be' in the mix when a 6 on the scale approaches a 10. However, putting this bizarre act of non-realism aside – over all I've come to believe that the analogy was probably right.

Trouble is our aspirations are very different from the realism of our daily lives. The end result is that we shape our reality to meet our aspirations then moan with dissatisfaction that our reality doesn't work for us.

Here's a classic.

REALISIM: standard size of average British Woman – 36-28-38 and 5'4” height

ASPIRATION: desirable size of average British Woman – 33-35-35 and 5'8” height

There are stores and on-line services that actually do make clothes that will fit and flatter the realistic shape of the standard British woman. But will we use them? NO. We just don't feel good being realistic. We want the dream. So we go into shops and order from on-line stores that support the aspiration. We buy from them in our millions. (Then diet, or have the clothes altered or wear stilts-shoes so we don't trip on hems that are too long...or simply just have them unworn in cupboard somewhere). Why?

Because something in us makes us pitch our desires at what is not realistic.

Another classic.

REALISIM: 10% of Professional British Women earn in excess of £971 per week

ASPIRATION: 72% of Professional British Women spend in excess of £50,492 per annum

There is no reason why on the average salary of £28,652 for a professional that a British Woman could not lead an attractive life style. But will we do that? NO. We just don't feel good being realistic. Two weeks in the sun kissed town of Cap d'Ail , Monaco is a great way to spend the summer. The choice is 14 nights at the 5* Hotel Eza a snip at £6010pp, or two weeks down the road at the 2* Hotel Miramar comes in at a mere £1610 pp. You'll still be in the same town in the South of France for a fortnight, but who'd even consider Monaco on a budget? It's the same with shopping... Balenciaga lego shoes are £2700, and Steve Madden does copies at £39.99. On a glance no one can tell difference. But we just have to HAVE the 'non-snide' version. WHY?

Because something in us makes us pitch our desires at what is not realistic.

Seems from the off we girlies are setting our sights on the unobtainable. I think as we mature into women, our aspirations continue to be worn visibly. No wonder we want to be a height we can't grown to, a figure our DNA has no blueprint off, a holiday we can't afford and shoes the cost of which are the equivalent of 3 months mortgage payment.

There is something in us that makes us believe that realism is just another word for being negative, and we can be anything we want to be. (Despite compelling evidence to the contrary). And if you don't believe me ask you self why it is you just don't see too many boys with a desire to dress up as royalty, and yet it seems almost routine for girls to present to the world as princesses.

I'm sure this 'poetic' way of looking at the world is hard wired into us females.

Have you noticed the difference in what the kids choose to play with? If you are the parent of a boy under 11 you've probably have recently offered sexual services to the manager of your local Toys R Us in order to secure the Hasbro Tonka Mod Machines. This is the most popular toy for pre secondary school boys. The primary function of this toys is to create a custom style vehicle with a variety of parts and accessories. If you are the parent of a girl under 11 and have not yet secured the Sylvanian Families Regency Hotel you're probably aware that your daughter is suffering social exclusion amongst her peers. This is the most popular toy for pre secondary school girls. The primary function of this toy is to make the model figures move around a magnificent stately manor. If you watch boys play it's all about creating a machine that transforms from street mode to battle mode that moves (and best of all crash!). Watch the girls... they glide the Sylvanian characters around a glamorous location, complete with stained glass windows, working chandelier lights, and staff including a chef.

As the kids got older, the toys they prefer only intensify the difference. Sports and technology based games lead the way for boys and girls would prefer a life size cut out of Jacob Black (from the Twilight series). I jest not at the life-size cut out. My 11 year old niece requested one (all her friends have one!). At £33.99 the damn thing is sold out (even at Amazon)! The second popular choice was a subscription to their favourite magazine, Sugar being the most popular. While I supposed we should applaud the girls for wanted to read rather than play games... when you look at what they are reading, it seems to support the idea of girl aspiring above their situation. Sugar Magazine follows in the tradition laid down by magazines aimed at teenage girls over the decades, looking as it does at the concerns of pre-women. In my day we had Jackie magazine which published a mix of beauty tips, fashion and gossip. Sugar goes a step further focusing on female celebrity and coming with a free magazine full of posters and gossips about boys imaginatively titled “Lads”. (Yup more posters of Jacob Black for the bedroom wall).

Actually, bedroom walls of the teenagers of my acquaintance are very telling. Boys tend to have posters which feature stills from games. Technology boys favour posters from games such as Mafia II or Halo Reach (at time going to press), Sporty boys favour football or rugby stars. Not too many aspirational partners on display.. Girls... well it seem to be either team Jacob or or team Edward (Yep... more Twilight inspired hero worship). I find this rather telling. The boys seem all about what is. What they actually do. They play those games – Mafia II, Halo Reach, Football or Rugby...it's what they do. The girls seem all about what could be. What they aspire to be. They want those things – Jacob Black or Edward Cullen ...it's an aspiration. (Maybe the boys pictures of Miley Cyrus's chest are sellotaped on the inside of the wardrobe away from prying eyes. The boy's tellingly keep their aspirations out of public view.)

We just seem to aspire to what is out of reach rather than what is. Maybe it's our aspiration that drives the human race forward. The males of the species do seem hard-wired to what is realistic rather than what could be. Maybe if we had left it all to the men we'd still be living in caves with our main focus being ensuring we had enough to eat. Maybe it took the hard wiring of the female to drive us onwards to the glittering prizes?

I only think this because like most mothers of teenagers I read the recent report on our nations teenagers aspirations. (Educational Aspirations in UK Schools 2009-2010). Check out my favourite quote :

A boy, who aspired to do something in sport, was sceptical about the relevance of education. He was interested in earning money:’You can’t do much without money’. So would doing well at school help earn money? ‘Depends on what you want to buy’ was his cool response. Meanwhile girl spoke of her future in terms of achieving a good standard of education so she can achieve her aspirations. ‘Nothing can hold you back. When I’ve left school I will be able to follow my dreams. I can be a top business woman while starting a family.’

I can see the boy living out his realistic view of the future, earning a living based upon what he 'wants to buy', living within his means. I want to make it clear I applaud his female counterpart for her poetic view of the future... but somehow I foresee for her a future of juggling to keep all the balls in the air...whilst balancing in a very painful (and expensive)pair of Balenciaga shoes !

So what do women want? Ask the reporters...

Oh that's easy... same as every poet....everything . That's all.

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Blog 122: Having a BALL

“Partying is such sweet sorrow!” Robert Byrne, Author.

This Saturday – I'm off to a ball. FINALLY an opportunity to really go to town and enjoy a night of unadulterated luxury and glamour! There will be gourmet food, there will be wine a flowing, there will be a legendary line up of bands and top djs and there will even be a funfair. It will be a spectacular evening and the chatter n my crowd is ALL about the ball.

The word ‘ball’ when used to describe a formal party or dance, conjures up images of a bygone era - the rustle of silk gowns and the thud of dancing feet in an opulent, gilded ballroom. In this day and age of clubs and casual wear, it is actually quite exciting to prepare for a formal dance.

Since the 1990's the standard dress code for women has been a pair jeans and a sparkly top. This was welcomed after the over-dressed '80's, a relief from the panic of 'what the hell do I wear', but rapidly became a rut. A sparkly top and jeans could as easily been worn to pick up the weeks groceries as to the opening of the best club in town. Over the past twenty years, 'putting your glad rags on' has become a restricted activity. We just don't seem to do that enough any more.

Invites to a ball indicate a dress code by stating what the men should wear. It will state black tie or white tie. (For those who don't know black tie is the dinner jacket and matching trousers and white tie is the more formal tail coat and wing collar shirt combo). This is a curious tradition as I'm yet to meet a man who will build up a head of steam digging out a DJ (let's face facts it's not the most exciting thing in the world to head down to Moss Bros. and hire a penguin suit) – but for us girls it's a whole different ball-game (intentional pun!)

For women, acceptance of an invite to a ball indicates that she is in possession of a ball gown. This means a full length dress that may or may not be worn with long gloves, a shawl or a stole. Yep... like wearing for a suitable frock isn't enough of a reach (when we are schooled in jeans and sparkly tops) we also have (with our changeable climate) to commit to going out without a coat!

However, women love to shop... so reach or not, it's the kind of challenge most women lap up, after all it's simple. Select one dress and accessories from an array of materials, textures, colours and lengths. Choose a design with or without sequins, beads or lace embellishments. Find something that will indicate to the world that you understand couture and can deliver it with a refreshing elegance that is both vibrant and trendy. Oh... and after all (as none of my friends have Sarah Jessica Parker's contacts or shopping budget)... do so without breaking the bank. It's very simple, one frock that epitomises effortless feminine chic. (and don't forget the bag, the shoes, and the accessories including the shawl or stole)

Suddenly shopping for a ball gown does not seem as much fun as it first appeared. Over the past weeks it has been hilarious to note the Facebook status's of my friends who are also attending the ball. The trauma of shopping for the event is creeping in to even the most level headed of women!

The first thought was to do what the guys are doing... rent something.

Now this makes sense... ball dresses (no matter what your granny says) can only be worn once. Balls by their nature are not routine events, so rather like weddings, everybody takes a camera to record the event - and more to the point what everyone looked like in their finery. Who wants to be wearing the same dress in every set of photos from every ball? Ball gowns are expensive by nature... and also ball dresses take up a lot of wardrobe space – unless you have Paris Hilton's wardrobe... who has the space to store them? Rental seems to be the answer to all three of these problems.

Going into a hire shop for an evening gown is second only to buying a bridal dress in the amount of attention lavished on you. Shops like One Night Stand are terrific providing dresses for as it says...the one night. They even do alterations to ensure the dress fits you snug as a bug. Plus the cost of hiring a dress, (£85 - £250 per night) is a complete bargain if the dress you desire costs £000's... BUT. Unless you are made of money – the dress is only yours on the night of the event. Thus your time to work out accessories and hair and make up are restricted to that night only. Thus rather than pampering yourself and doing girly things like hair and nails on the day of the ball – you are rushing round like a blue arsed fly trying to get a look together. Who wants to turn up at the event knackered?! But face facts it has to be done...”One dress does not an outfit make” (as my mother wisely once told me).

The worse thing about hiring a dress is the dress is not yours so you must keep it pristine. Hard to do when you are enjoying yourself, but you'd better not get the dress dirty or torn. Any form of damage and you will find your account charged with a repair or replacement fee up to the full value of the dress. Balls are formal so their will be a sit down dinner. This is England. There WILL be gravy. The fear demonstrated by the peril of food stains almost immediately reveals the fact the dress is not yours, thus killing the glamour of a dress costing 000's. This is to say nothing of the fact that This is England ...it rains and we have a smoking ban. The most interesting people always seem to be smokers, so even the non smokers follow them outside while they indulge their habit... and in a full length gown... you WILL get mud on your hem. I'm not even going to mention the perils of one of those “most interesting people” getting a burn hole in said frock. And if you wish to go skinny dipping in the moonlight.... keep an eye on the location of the frock...hire companies are ruthless should a dress become lost!

Besides as my g/f's Facebook status's indicate... the same designs turn up at almost every hire company – no one wants to risk having someone else at the ball in the same frock. So most have abandoned the whole rental fiasco (though fear of gravy will clearly indicate who is telling porkies on the night!)

Which brings us to purchasing for real.

With the British High Street committed to keeping us all in Sparkly tops and Jeans... the first port of call was the internet.

There are not many reasons I can think of why being a US citizen is superior to being a UK one... but the internet is certainly on that very short list. They have a much better choice. Sites like Light in the Box very much lead the way, but here in blighty sites like Ball Gown Heaven and Minx do give a wide selection of frocks... though you can clearly see the market they aim at is a little high school prom night meets footballers wife! Fairy Goth Mother though was a revelation with the sexiest and most unusual ball gowns... no chance of bumping into someone in the same frock. BUT. Buying things from a picture. It's all a little Freeman's Catalogue 1978! You just know the disappointment is going to be packaged up with the dress as it plops on your doormat. It's never the same. Even though the “interweb” is so much more sophisticated than those old big books, and features 360 view and even videos of the gowns in motion... the dresses aren't on YOU till you get them.

The worse thing about buying a dress of the internet is waiting for it, getting it, realising it isn't quite right.... then having to package it up and send it back then panicking that they haven't yet taken it off your statement! While you try on and reject and try on again loads of precious time is eaten up by the postal system. And don't even think that when you finally find a gown you like that you can use a internet purchased dress as an unofficial hire.... they've thought of that! Internet companies have got wise to this practice and now attach a label attached to the hem saying “REMOVAL OF/WEAR AND TEAR/ DAMAGE TO THIS LABEL WILL INVALIDATE OUR RETURNS POLICY”. Dam!... Freeman's Catalogue must have grassed us all up!

So this means the shops it is.

Of course the high street are uninterested in formal attire... but there is one high street exception... TX Maxx. Designer labels for less and a HUGE commitment to occasion wear. The retailer specialises in selling "last season's" designer clothes from names such as Stella McCartney and Alexander McQueen at up to 60 per cent discount. It's kind of a designer version of Primark. Which means one thing...ELBOWS!!! No two way thing about it... TX Maxx is a jumble sale. Designer jumble yes... but a jumble sale none the less. Clothes are just ramped up together on racks with the only demarcation being what part of the body the clothing covers. You will be hit in the face by your fellow shoppers elbows as they too search for a bargain. Also...it's hit or miss if you'll ever find your size. My g/f's Facebook status say it all: “ Found it! Beautiful dress...perfect for the ball...available only in size 0 or size 22...what to do...starve or binge?!”

This leaves the only choice... BOUTIQUE shopping. **shudder**

Boutiques were normal back in the 1960's. Little shops that were owner operated that sold a selection of on off clothing to a discerning shopper who had not the budget for Bond Street but the need for something individual. Staff in these shops were knowlegeable and welcoming and made special occasion shopping at total joy. Given that a boutique by definition is a small shopping outlet that specialises in elite and fashionable items it sounds like the ideal solution. Except. The staff in these shops feel that they are a cut above normal retail staff and act like the stock are their precious children! Also they insist that it is NOT a shop, but a “luxurious showroom”. The staff tend to be free with advice (even if you don't request it) and can react badly if you choose an outfit they feel you do not deserve. Again I hand you over to the wise words on a g/f Facebook status. “The shop assistant was so unimpressed by me buying the ball dress she looked as if she would have thrown a Naomi Campbell should a phone have been to hand”.

But. It is now Tuesday. The ball is on Saturday. All but one of our party has got their outfits. We survived.

On Saturday night the traumas of hiring, interneting, high street and boutique shopping will be behind us. The guys will glide into their black tie ensembles and the girls will be melted down and poured into confections of taffeta, lace, chiffon and organza.

And dressed elegantly and stylishly we shall arrive at the event.... and get royally pissed! After all... the whole point is that on Saturday night we all should be ...Having a BALL!!!

If you enjoyed this blog and you want to contact Jax or find out more about the JaxWorld blog, please log onto : http://thejaxworldblog.vpweb.co.uk/

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BLOG 121: TOXIC

“Resentment, anger, frustration, worry, disappointment - emotional states, take a toll on your heart, brain and body. Don't let justified emotions rob your health and well-being.” Doc Childre Top Stress and Performance Researcher 1978-2010.

Going out of your way to expose yourself to toxins is not something a person looking for health and well-being would knowingly court. Toxins are by definition a poisonous substance produced by living organisms. Once absorbed they do damage, they can be as mild as say a bee sting or as fatal as say botulism. And whilst in this crazy mixed up world bee stung lips and botoxed foreheads may have become desirable... let us not forget, the swelling from a bee sting is painful and botulism leads to paralysis of the breathing muscles and causes respiratory failure.

Keeping healthy is something we all realise is something we have a responsibility to do. We are more aware than any generations that came before us of the effects of toxic poisons on our bodies and that to illuminate or at least reduce such poisons is conducive to a longer healthier...and ultimately happier life. We are all getting pretty good at avoiding the poisons that lower our positive well-being.

Except when it comes to friends.

Go back and look at the definition of toxic... a poisonous substance produced by living organisms that once absorbed do damage.

Yup... sometimes the people we allow into our lives are as toxic as any other substance we come across. And sometimes there are those whom after exposure to leave their friends drained, exhausted and devoid of self esteem. Once their evil work is done you find yourself questioning YOUR OWN judgement – you give gravitas to their assessment of your value – after all YOU are the one who calls this person a friend. You remain in a state of paralysis as sure as if you have been exposed to botulism.

Of course the sensible thing to do is to recognise that you have been poisoned and reduce the expose to the source – if not cut it our all together.

But this is easier said than done. Cutting contact with a friend is a difficult and often heartbreaking experience – after all you must have seen good in this person once...why else would you have had them as a friend in the first place? Maybe they are just giving you some 'tough love' for your own good. Maybe they are just trying to help you.

However if a friend turns toxic believe me they are NOT trying to help anyone other than themselves. A toxic friend will go out of their way to undermine your true potential for happiness. They will ensure that their assessment of you is attacking your self belief and will paralyses any attempt you make to progress.

An easier way to spot a toxic friend is to look at the friendships you are most proud of your role in. Look at the friendships where you know your friend has the utmost confidence that you have only THEIR best interests at heart. You will easily see that the friendship is characterised by lasting memories, shared hopes and dreams plus an ability to some how know when to physically be there when you need them most. This is the friendship where you are genuinely concerned for your friends well-being, where you share a pragmatic view of the past, present and future, where advice is welcomed, where support is shared and returned, where views are exchanged and where exposure to each other enhances life. Yeah.. a row or two may well take place over the years, but you never feel undermined and neither do they.

Toxic friendships are nothing like the above. Toxic friendships should be cut out like the cancer they are. Ruthlessly without sentiment or apology. Believe me the cancer analogy was not accidental... you cannot live with this level of toxic exposure. You need to recognise it and get it cleanly cut away...before it incidously creeps into every area and thwarts your chance of a healthy life.

Can't recognise toxicity? Confused? Here's your JaxWorld guide to toxic friends:

A) STAY WITH ME

This is the friend who does an oscar winning performance of being supportive and concerned for your well being whilst shooting down everything you ever get excited about. This is the friend who gives you 101 reasons why your idea is a bad idea and why your plans may work for other people but could NEVER work for the likes of you and them. Favourite quote “Don't get ideas above your station”.

B) THE DOOM MACHINE

This is the person who knows the world is conspiring against them. They will tell you to watch out at work because the company conspires against them and by extension YOU because you are their friend. They will tell you they didn't get invited to an event because the host has a vendetta against them (and by extension you so even though you have an invite...don't go). This is the friend who is constantly complaining (whilst protecting YOU from the pain the world inflicts) so they can drag you down into their doom.

C) THE SELF DESTRUCT

This is the friend who is always in another scandal, another abusive relationship, or addicted to another substance, or in trouble with another authority figure. This friend is constantly bearing their soul and asking your advice. Of course they don't really want your advice... they want the undivided attention you will give while you focus on possible solutions. Then off they go, unheard of till they are in need of another attention fix.

D) THE GUILT TRIPPER

This is the friend who will lend you money when you never asked for it... and hold this one act of charity over your head for ever more. WHY? So that they can borrow from you and never pay you back. It doesn't matter that you paid back the one off loan promptly, they will justify their frequent unrepaid borrowings by reminding you that they were their for you when no one else thought to help you. Their need for your wallet is always a matter of life and death and if you don't help them...suicide is always an inferred option...what else can you do?

E) THE PANIC CALLER

This is the friend who will call with a crisis...increasingly frequently. Every aspect of their life seems to leave them panicked and every minute detail has to be discussed. You become increasingly aware that nothing you say can help as their default setting is nothing in life has value...and you are trapped from the moment you said hello.

F) ME MYSELF AND I

This is the friend who forgets you are a living breathing human and not a sounding wall. They are so completely absorbed in their new project or even themselves that a conversation with them becomes a chess match of how they can out manoeuvre what you try to say and relate yet more information about their new project. They don't even hear you.

G) THE GOSSIP

This is the friend who acts like your personal shrink...always wanting you yo divulge your private worries and most personal secrets. Friends of this type do it for the thrill of superiority, something that can only be proven if they run your secret by just one other person. Needless to say they are blithely unaware that one of the tenants of friendship is confidentiality. This is the friend who does not know a secret is something you keep and the thing you tell just ON other person...is gossip.

H) THE ADVISOR

This is the friend who will tell you exactly how your life should be. This is the friend who will tell you when to get over a broken heart, how you should raise your children, how you should manage your money, even how to prioritise what is important in this world. This friend crossed the line of well meaning advice so long ago that they can barely see it in the distance. If you try to deal with things your own way, this is the friend who will tell you have “patented suffering” and point out that if you did things their way you would not have any problems.

There are many more toxic friendship types out there. These are just a few of the ones that sprung to mind as I write this article. Hopefully, if any of these ring a bell with you – you will eliminate needless stress and unnecessary pain by cutting them out. Like I said before, these sort of friendships are cancerous and you have no option but to be ruthless and decisive when you get rid.

I have spent sometime removing these particular toxins from my life recently.

Getting rid of A) made me feel I did have ideas above my station in a soulless call centre – but what price publishing a novel and writing for a living after all?

Getting rid of B) made me feel guilty for a minute, but what price a less paranoid world?

Getting rid of C)made me feel I was taking away someone's safety net, but what price not having to repeat the 'don't jump' warning over and over again?

Getting rid of D) did leave me £15,000 out of pocket, but what price sanity and a guilt trip free existence?

Getting rid of E)did mean I had to change my number, but what price phone calls from people who had something life enhancing to say?

Getting rid of F) did mean stepping back from a long time friend, but what price being HEARD from time to time?

Getting rid of G) did mean cutting myself out from a loop I liked being in, but what price some privacy?

Getting rid of H) did mean nothing more than getting rid of a plastic wanna-be who has no feeling for anything real (must be the silicone leaking into where the heart used to be!) - so what price REAL friends?

Okay the last one was very recent, so excuse the bitchy tone!

However the point is we should all take time to identify the levels of toxicity being generated by some of our relationships. If we find ourselves being poisoned by these so called friendships, we should end them pronto. If a friendship makes you feel angry, resentful, frustrated, worried or disappointed more than it makes you feel connected to humanity... then it is toxic.

I began this article with a quote from a stress practitioner of some 30 years experience:

"Resentment, anger, frustration, worry, disappointment - emotional states, take a toll on your heart, brain and body. Don't let justified emotions rob your health and well-being”

I wholeheartedly agree. If you look at a friendship and find the toxic emotions it generates are justified – shed the source... and move on to a higher class of comrade.

If you enjoyed this blog and you want to contact Jax or find out more about JaxWorld blog please log onto:http://thejaxworldblog.vpweb.co.uk/

Thanks for continuing to vote for JaxWorld as the Best Blog about Stuff and for all your support that has made this blog such a success.