BLOG 120: SILLY SEASON!

“The pace of domestic news traditionally slows down in August; it was first called the 'silly season' because daft stories stood a chance of getting into print.” Simon Ford BBC College of Journalism

Today the media have full attention on ONE woman. Has she done something that mankind have to debate and be informed on? Actually no. She was cruel to a neighbours cat. The cat was recovered 15hrs later unharmed. The moral debate has pushed this seemly private issue to headline news and the top story on broadcast news. Is it a conversation point? YES. Is it news? NO. So why is this on the news? It's the silly season.

The silly season is the period lasting for a few summer months typified by the emergence of frivolous news stories in the media. Typically, the latter half of the summer is slow in terms of newsworthy events. Parliament is closed so no home grown political stories, most northern hemisphere political bodies are closed in August... in fact every one who normally generates something news worthy have grabbed their nearest dearest and sprogs and taken off to a beach , mountain or lake somewhere. And don't think for a moment they can fall back on Sport... no action their either as the stars of field and track take their summer breaks.

This poses a bit of a problem for the scribes who have to bring us news. Newspaper, TV and Radio news is not a free service! It is paid for by an income that is generated by advertisements and advertisements rely on audiences! So how on earth do they keep the audience when they have nothing of any substance to tell them... easy... attention grabbing headlines, articles and reports to do with minor moral panics, animal stories, surveys, and endless speculation on possible team changes, transfers, and débuts of any star involved with sport.

Examples of this kind of headline include:

• COWS MOO IN REGIONAL ACCENTS
  Daily Mail: cows in Somerset have west country twangs in their moo's, similar regional phenomenon found with geordie twangs in Tyne and Wear cattle, brummie twangs in the Midlands herds and estuary english in cows Down South.
  A slew of experts from Universities and Animal Research Trusts were brought in to substantiate the claims.

• WOMEN LOVE MEN WHO WEAR RED SHIRTS
  The Independent: It has been found that when a man wheres a red shirt he will be views by women as powerful, attractive and sexually desirable. Women are unaware of this effect which was proven to be limited to status and romance.
  This time international experts brought in for supporting quotes.

• EQUICANIGATTUS IS BRITAINS PERFECT PET
  The Guardian: 2000 British Pet Lovers revealed the nations perfect animal should be 49% dog, 35% cat 9% horse and 7% rabbit so a pet insurance company commissioned a portrait of the animal and called it Max. Meanwhile scientists gave it's latin name Equicanigattus.
  No really... the scientist even worked out this animal will have high energy levels, love daily walks and sleeps for an average of 9hrs 27 mins per day

• HIGH STREET CLOTHES TOO SEXY FOR KIDS
  The Telegraph: Outcry at the loss of innocence of "our kids" .A bikini for girls aged 7 went for sale in branches of Primark and was made of pink sparkly material and had padded cups. Next selling a tee-shirt for girls with the slogan “Too many Boys not enough Time” across the chest. Tesco's selling a Pole Dancing Kit for kids called “Peekaboo”.
  Campaigners quoted as claiming the household high street names are exploiting kids to attract the paedophile pound.

Of course... we have all gone mad. These stories are not news. But we lap them up as if they were. They are at best a minor moral dilemma (Fact: PARENTS buy the children's clothes not the local paedophile - the high street shops it's up to the parents to decide what is appropriate and THAT was the audience the shops were aiming at). They are at fast moderately entertaining surveys (Fact: Women like the colour red and do associate it with strength but would prefer to have a man appropriately dressed for the occasion and his complexion than turn up looking like a pillar box). They are at worst total fiction (Fact: No one has ever met anyone who has ever taken part in a survey of what they nations prefers).

The media stick to their guns though... the silly season is on, there is NO NEWS and they need to keep an audience. After all no harm done it's all a bit of fun. Anyway it's a nice change from all those hard headline they run all year and anyway THERE IS NO NEWS IN THE SUMMER MONTHS.

Really?

Well lets see... if that was applied firmly what would we have missed in say the last 100 years?

Everyone is on holiday nothing to report say the media. If that was a firm fact we might have missed the 32 bands that turned up at farm one weekend in August 1969. Woodstock Festival gave birth to to summer tradition of wellies and music we all enjoy today. So glad SOMEONE bothered to run the story!

Talking about August, the media say that politically nothing happens then so they can't run stories even if they wanted to. REALLY?We declared war on Germany August 3^rd 1914. WWI was a bit of news I think. OH they marched into Poland in August 1939. WW2 was also a bit newsworthy. We sent troops to Northern Ireland in August 1969. The Irish conflict filled 40 years of news media. Iraq invaded Kuwait in August 1990. Gulf War I turned out to be a bit of a media event. Seems the Gods of War don't Thomas Cook it.

The media say the big summer celebrity stories are not around in summer. REALLY? Forget the death of the British version of the TV show Big Brother proper global celebrities shuffle off in the summer months... Michael Jackson (25 June 2009) Diana Princess of Wales (31 August 1997) Elvis Presley (16 August 1977) Marilyn Monroe (5 August 1962). Rather more disconcerting is the death of the man who is responsible for the current take on celebrity the guy who launched the Hello! Magazine empire publisher Eduardo Sanchez Junco died on 14 July 2010... when we were all more interested in the accents of moo cows.

The media don't want to resort to just talking about the weather . I 'm glad it is not a hard an d fast rule as there are quite a few stories that go beyond the annual “PHEW WOT A SCORCHER” type... Hurricane Katrina (the piece of weather that blew away the veil that hid America's impoverished underbelly to the world) hit 29 August 2005. Britain suffered terrible floods (and that man who always is out in an orange canoe)in August 2004 – which pales into insignificance when we think of the summer 2010 floods in Pakistan. But it is not all bad - who can forget that lovely summers day in 1999 when the South East of the UK had a proper black out eclipse of the sun.

I love the silly stories. The human interest bit at the news always used to make me smile. In fact the only reason why I'd make it through an entire news broadcast was to see the skateboarding duck story at the end. But now it seems every summer the top of the broadcast news IS the skateboarding duck. The front page of the newspaper is the skateboarding duck. The current affairs discussion is the skateboarding duck. And that worries me. Stuff really DOES happen in the summer months and some of that stuff is the stuff that will shape our futures . Maybe we should be increasing our knowledge of those?

Or are we all (as the media tell us we are) enjoying the break and are happy to wait till September?

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BLOG 119: Happiness is Easy

“Most people are about as HAPPY as they make up their minds to be” Abraham Lincoln 16^th President of the United States of America

OKAY... we have to face it cause it's a self evident truth....it is a lovely life. We like to moan and highlight the negative because well... that's news. It's always news if it goes against the norm. The fact is the norm is the good stuff, the getting through the day safely and small but nice thigs happening on a minute to minute basis.

It has always struck me that people are inherently good given the opportunity, and that the times and the world we live in are actually pretty cool. Luck and geography dictate how lovely your life will be my Dad always said. I'd go further... I'd add timing. Don't know about you but I'd rather be alive now here in northern Europe than say 60 years ago!

No bombs falling and nothing getting in my way of being who I want to be or stopping me from being just me. Food in my belly, a rather nice roof over my head, great mates, wine in the fridge... and the most bizarre family on earth who I love to bits (esp the one I made).

Yep... overall... a pretty good deal. I live in my fave country on earth, on the doorstep of the best city on earth. Yep I have my problems same as many and more that most...but overall...It's a lovely life.

There are so many more reasons to be happy than sad. So I'll be interested to know if any of you can beat my of the top of my head 111 things that make me happy....

1. My son, even though he drive me nuts!

2. My family, though I sometimes take them for granted

3. Anna in Italy (for a lifetime of being understood completely)

4. Just spending time with my mates

5. Being on my own when I want to be

6. Laughing till it hurts

7. Talking absolute bollix

8. The invention of bin-bags, toilet paper and toothpaste

9. Thinking

10. Coming up with a concept when I was blank a second before

11. Cats

12. Finding a much loved film is half way through and settling down to watch it anyway

13. Being helpful to someone else by just doing what you do

14. Learning a new skill

15. Watching the sky at night while stilling with a glass of wine

16. Facebook

17. Taking photos

18. Cooking a damn good meal

19. My mother laughing

20. My Dad's dancing

21. Getting feedback – even negative stuff

22. Having the perfect put down

23. Musicals and any kind of dance performance

24. Teenagers

25. Movies aimed at Teenagers

26. Novels that capture the here and now

27. Being ridiculous

28. Rock music

29. People who are genuinely shocked by anything I do

30. Deep meaningful discussions in bed when you are loving the convo so much you fight sleep

31. Knowing I can't mess up the one relationship that counts

32. Spanxs

33. Formal attire

34. Understanding peoples motives

35. Being witty, ironic and sarcastic

36. Making change happen

37. Having epiphanies

38. Seeing balloons tied to front doors to mark a celebration

39. Coffee

40. Cushions

41. Bring a writer

42. Anything that gives me that “I've only bloody gone and done it”feeling

43. Rainbows

44. Being caught in the rain without an an umbrella and not caring about what happens to my hair!

45. LONDON

46. BRIGHTON

47. Hot...and I mean HOT showers

48. V shaped swimmers torsos

49. Men

50. Shoes

51. Being pleasantly surprised

52. Being impulsive

53. Ranch dressing

54. Being stunningly average at ice skating and horse riding but doing it anyway

55. Being a brilliant dancer no matter what anyone else thinks!

56. Bouncing on beds

57. Infatuations

58. Tactile things.. and people

59. John Cuszak

60. Omelettes

61. Having an inbuilt GPS... I never get lost!

62. Books

63. Diving in beanbags

64. Making strangers into friends

65. Starting a chain reaction

66. Walking in the city after midnight

67. The Suburbs between 3.30am – 5.45am

68. Debating

69. Acting like a kid

70. My bedroom

71. The colours Green and Purple

72. Ireland

73. My redneck family in Oklahoma

74. Wind ups

75. Sunshine in England and the way everyone morphs because of it!

76. Snow in England and the way everything simply falls apart!

77. Public Transportation (over all it DOES work!)

78. NHS (over all it DOES work!)

79. That certainty of being safe that living in Britain gives you

80. Being able to slag off living in Britain without being unpatriotic

81. The Grumpy's (old men, old women, young men... TV magic)

82. Mascara

83. Being good looking

84. Friends who always bring wine when they come over

85. My two gay best mates who are so unbelievably crap they make me smile just thinking of them

86. Good times

87. Tony Hawk

88. Having few inhibitions

89. Being better than all my enemies

90. Taking note and seeing the unspoken story

91. Sparkles

92. Comfortable silences or long phone conversations that last and last

93. The middle of my bed

94. Inside jokes

95. The vanilla ice-cream they do at DisneyLand Paris

96. Airports and the anticipation of travel

97. Riding on an intercity train in the direction that lets you “see where you have been”

98. Remembering San Francisco with Janey

99. Proving what sounded like bullshit was REAL

100. Being too stupid to lie

101. Sex, Love and other things that don't last long but you can lose yourself in the joy while they are on

102. Pepperami's

103. Novelty calendars (esp the David and Goliath ones!)

104. 28^th West Kent Boys Brigade for giving me back my Friday nights

105. The worst place I ever worked for giving me the best friends I ever had

106. Batteries

107. Hair extensions, wigs, hats and scarves (see point 44)

108. Cups of tea

109. Conversations that only happen with cigarettes

110. Old skool dance music

111. People watching.

And that is just of the top of my head... I haven't even mentioned natures gifts or anything on a more spiritual level, just 111 things of the top of my head that make me happy.

As the song says....Happiness is Easy.

Give it a go... 111 of the top of your head... starting.............NOW!!!

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BLOG 118: STALK!!!!!

"I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'." — Molly Harper 21^st Century Fiction Author

In the past week three people in my circle of friends (including myself) have been victims of unwelcome harassment executed by men who seem to be completely unaware that their behaviour is not only offensive but also unlawful. In the past week STALKING seems to be the crime of choice. The perpetrators usually feel that they are not criminals that they mean no harm, that they should be viewed at worst as incompetent suitors.

The reality is that stalking is a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. It is a gross betrayal of trust from within - three out of every four victims of stalking are stalked by someone they know. Three quarters of stalkers use more than one means of approach and pursue their victims with texts, phone calls, e-mails, notes and have been known to follow their victims and show up wherever they are.

Stalking (like Rape) is one of the most misunderstood crimes today. It is customary in both of these crimes to examine the behaviour and demeanour of the victim and lay the cause of this crime at the door of there. It is tacitly understood that a man (who is usually the perpetrator of these crimes) is weak and can be easily aroused into a carnal state so it totally a woman’s responsibility to ensure this does not happen. If a man commits this crime – “it’s her fault she must have encouraged the poor lamb.”

Enough already. Stalking is a crime. It is has been classified as an assault since 1975 in the United Kingdom and does carry a custodial sentence. That act was buoyed up by the 1997 Protection From Harassment Act. Stalking is not something that the victim can regulate; it is something the perpetrator does to control the victim. This is not about how pretty you are, or the length of your skirt. This is a power motivated crime that generates real and lasting effects on its victims.

Lasting effects of being stalked include:

• Feeling vulnerable, unsafe and unsure who to trust
• Feeling fearful, anxious, irritable, impatient or on edge
• Feeling depressed, hopeless, overwhelmed, tearful or angry
• Feeling stressed, having memory loss, problems concentrating or sleeping
• Feeling confused, frustrated and isolated in your fear
• Having flashbacks, disturbing thoughts, feelings or memories

These are not the effects of being courted by an incompetent suitor. These are the lasting effects of being pursued by someone whose attentions are unwarranted and unwanted.

Stalkers enjoy exercising power over the victim which will be demonstrated by them modifying their behaviour in some way. The rush that the stalker gains from this power motivates them to continue. Stalkers loiter around the places frequented by their victims, compiling information and tracking the victim’s movements. Some stalkers do this covertly – others are overt.

My stalker made a point of letting me know he know exactly where I live and could drop by. This of course made me agoraphobic. Unsure if his car was parked somewhere close by when the messages were sent – I drew the curtains and became a recluse. But to my stalker I am now exactly where he can find me.

One of my friends had a stalker that waited for her on her train platform as she went to work… he boarded that and followed her down into the tube station (though thankfully did not board that tube). But he did so just so that she was aware that her journey to work was at his will.

My other friend has found her stalker has gone through her wheelie bin and posted details of what her household consumes and whether or not she recycles correctly on the internet. She is now keeping her wheelie bin indoors – not a desirable feature of her household. But to her stalker she has demonstrated a change in her behaviour which he controlled.

Stalkers targets find themselves subject to a relentless campaign of harassment. The Stalker often presents a friendly face to the outside world, harmlessly quizzing friends and associates of the victim for details or accidentally turning up for a “chance encounter”. Chance encounters include regular drive bys of the victim’s home or appearances on her route to her place of work.

Stalking is a very clever form of criminal activity in that it is composed of a series of actions that taken individually are not remotely criminal – sending flowers, writing love notes, sending texts or even waiting for someone are all not actions on their own that constitute illegal behaviour. However, coupled with the intent to instil fear – it becomes a threatening act. The stalker wishes the victim to feel fearful of not subjugating themselves to the stalkers desire for contact and control – stalkers take actions to try to generate a response. The result on the victim is a feeling of terrifying helplessness. It all usually starts harmlessly enough.

In the case of my stalker, he sent me a text which was mildly inappropriate. My initial reaction was to respond. To throw cold iced water over any inflamed ardour. There was no way given the tenuous connection this man had to me that we were in the business of sharing even the lightest of intimacies. It was clear to me that he had either misconstrued the real world or was having an imagined relationship with me. I figured a few choice words and an air of total disinterest and the situation would go away as soon as it started. But instead it fanned the flames. I have later been told that ANY response is what a stalker requires.

Unfortunately ignoring a stalker is also seen as a response. Stalkers believe that if you respond to them they are special but equally they also believe that if you respond to everyone else and NOT them… then they are special. My friend who had her wheelie bin plundered has never said one word to her stalker since his campaign began. Never the less he remains unfazed leaving a note which infers that she had brought the wheelie bin indoors to keep it safe for him – he also sent her a gift of his healthy eating plan.

Stalkers cannot be negotiated with, behavioural changes by the victim (going out of your way to ignore them, or contacting them to request they stop) only serves as a reward and acknowledgement of the stalkers’ efforts.

Given that most victims feel shame and embarrassment that this is happening to them, victims neglect to inform significant players in their lives that they are being stalked. This helps the stalker endlessly as the unwitting disclosure of personal information is something that helps the stalker become very clued up as he skilfully extracts information from people in his victims life.

Stalkers devote an inordinate amount of time to tracking their victim’s movements. If it wasn’t enough that they can draw information out of friends, family and work colleagues, the easy accessibility given by information technology is a stalkers best friend. By using public records, online search facilities, planting spyware or malware on their victim’s computers or even using hidden cameras and GPS the stalker is able to find out everything about the victims life and movements.

On the subject of technology - the feeling of being boxed-in by a stalker is incredible.

In my case… I’m a parent, it is the school holidays and my son is out and about having adventures as any healthy vibrant teenager should be. He has a mobile phone and so do I. It’s our lifeline. I know that he’ll ring if he comes across any dilemmas and he knows I’ll be ringing if he is one second late home! Should he be out on any organised activity the team leader always has my mobile number to call me in the advent of any emergency. Parents ALWAYS have their mobiles switched on.

My stalker knows this. He knows I will HAVE to look at it.

So in a matter of a few days – NINETY texts.

He knows I will see his lude and inappropriate comments. He knows I will see them because he knows I have to check my phone when it bleeps because I have a child. And because he knows this… NINETY texts.

In my case… I’m a writer, I work from home. I have to have my e-mails open to stay in touch with the outside world, with commissioning editors, with publishers, with the news. Writers ALWAYS have their e-mails open.

My stalker knows this. He knows I will have to look at them.

So in a matter of a few hours – FOUR e-mails.

He knows I will see that he is using yet another gateway to make his comments to me. He knows I will see because he knows I have to check my emails all day because that is how I get my work done. And because he knows this …FOUR e-mails.

In my case… I have parents, they aren’t in the first flush of youth and I like to stay in touch. I have my landline switched on because it’s the method they find easiest to contact me on. People with older parents ALWAYS have their land lines switched on.

My stalker knows this. He knows I will go to my landline.

So in a matter of a few minutes – THREE calls.

He knows that I will at least have to go to it to see the caller display. He knows I will see that he has yet another gateway to contact me because he know I won’t switch it off and cut my parents off at the same time. And because he knows this… THREE calls.

He controls the days, the hours, the minutes - whether any of those are good are bad is up to whether or not I hear from him. I look over my shoulder when I walk down the street, parked cars scare me, I jump when my phone rings, I take a sharp intake of breath before even looking at emails or texts. Suddenly every avenue to the outside world seemed in HIS control.

Which is WHY people like him do this. To have control.

It starts with petty and trivial incidents such as repeatedly being sent text or emails, or getting phone calls, being followed or being sent unwanted ‘presents’. These are not ‘petty’ or ‘trivial’ incidents they are exhibitions of obsessive behaviours from another person and NEEDS to be taken seriously. Stalking can ruin people’s lives and as we all know in extreme cases can lead to rape…and even murder.

Stalking is a misunderstood crime. For too long the victims have suffered in silence and isolation. Last week I became a victim of this crime, and apparently I am supposed to sit down shut up and be embarrassed about it… while he carries on. Well NO! I am not embarrassed, I am the victim here and I did NOTHING wrong… so here goes. I AM A VICTIM OF STALKING. And I have no intention of being quiet about it.

If you also are a victim of stalking too can I ask you PLEASE to log onto www.nss.org.uk. That the website of the Network for Surviving Stalking, it is a registered charity dedicated to supporting victims of stalking - free of cost or commercial gain. They can help.

Thank you for reading– and if you are also a victim - be strong.

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BLOG 117: Song of Beauty

“Beauty, more than bitterness, makes the heart break.” Sara Teasdale Early 20^th Century American Poet

A friend of mine, when she was a teenager, too tall, too skinny, buck teeth and generally unsightliness - prayed over and over to be what is now referred to a hot. No prayers seemed to be answered so instead she learnt to be witty and gained confidence by things other than outward appearance. She had a fair circle of friends of both genders, no boyfriends of course and the hot girls hung together in a clique, but by all accounts she had a happy teenage-hood. Eventually she left for Uni. However, someone must have answered her prayers because peoples reactions started to change, the pretty girls wanted to be her friend and boys started throwing their hat in the ring. She is still a fine looking woman. A real Ugly duckling who morphed to live out her life as a swan.

Funny enough she say’s ever since then there has been nothing but trouble. She wouldn’t give up being a hot woman (who would) but having started life as an ugly duckling, wandered untrained into swan territory and having been left behind there alone as the other swans age terribly… she really doesn’t think of her good fortune as much of a blessing. Like she says “Since the transformation…. nothing but trouble.”

You see the route of the problem is that Hotties really don't have much else to contribute other than the way they look. It's a fair trade off that in place of wit, confidence and stimulating conversation there is a stimulating vision. In fact as a society we are so comfortable with this trade off most people put up with the fact that hot girls have legs, boobs and proportions that ordinary women don't have. Even hot men find the necessity to offer much more than rugged good looks and a toned body not a requirement they have to fulfil. It's kind of viewed that good looks are compensation for the lack of anything of substance. Besides everyone gets old, so there is comfort in the fact that looks will fade quickly but intelligence has a longer shelf life.

But slow bloomers, who have ugly duckling decades before nature’s bounty kicks in, don't have the training on how to be sweet and demure. They have instead decades of having to find other ways of standing out by taking notice of everything and having an opinion. Of not shying away from dangerous topics, of being funny, of drawing attention by being oblivious to their own outwardly appearance. This is lousy training for being hot - especially for a woman. What on any other woman would be viewed to be confidence is seen to be arrogance. What on any other woman would be viewed to be an opinion is seen as grandstanding. What on any other woman would be seen as individuality or character would be viewed as showing off. In other words having a dazzling personality is just not viewed as necessary – but once installed learnt behaviour is hard to change. The slow bloomer needs to have a dazzling but brief spell as a swan if she doesn't want to be attacked by the rest of the pond.

Still none of this matters much as somewhere around 35, the ageing process kicks in and levels the playing pitch for all. Hot men become slightly portly no matter what the gym regime. Hot women either fill out or wizen. Both gain lines, or bags, or greying hairs - thinning on top being the scourge of both genders. However the men have the advantage that female eyes are kinder when viewing the ageing process and it is a curious dynamic that hot younger women actually like ageing men. Through female eyes a man becomes distinguished with age.

Given the choice of a 25yr old or a woman approaching 50... well.... you don't have be a rocket scientist to figure what most men will choose. No longer able to attract the attention of age appropriate men solidarity breaks out amongst women once they approach their half century which was sorely lacking in their earlier days. The former adversaries wonder why they never bothered to get to know each other before. The aging hot girls find the wit and confidence of the aging ordinary girls amazing and the ordinary girls at last get to hang with what used to be the elite whilst feeling inwardly a tad superior. Somehow the crow’s feet, laughter lines and grey hairs unite the gender.

However women LOVE having women to hate. It's almost a biological need to act tribal. But, with the ageing hot girls now united with the ageing ordinary girls... who on earth is their left to hate.

If the late bloomers thought they had it bad, this group have it even worse. It's an unfortunate mix to be witty and confident AND hot AND ageing well.

While men are happy to snap up the hot girls while they are still hot. They would like to grow old with them… not instead of them. A man looks virile if he is 50 with a 25yr old on his arm – but looks redundant if his age appropriate wife looks fabulous and he looks…well… fifty. If a man isn’t looking for a trophy of his virility then he wants to be with a woman who reflects where he is at physically. Hot women in their middle years are much more likely to be dumped by their spouses than a more ‘homely’ looking woman. And if you think for one moment that would make other women feel sympathy for her - then you know nothing about women. There is nothing a homely looking attached middle aged woman hates more than a single woman who is aging better than her.

My friend is a classic example.

When she was young… all the young men chased after the hotties. The hotties had been chased for quarter of a century and were tired of the chase. Most were happy to be caught. There were a lot of hotty weddings between the ages of 25 and 30. My friend had only just found herself in this category and was quite enjoying being chased by the very same type of people who ignored her. So, she was a tad slow to get on the settling down train. Thankfully the biological clock kicked in around her mid thirties and she slowed down enough to commit to a rather hot age appropriate opposite number. And life was bliss until he woke up mid forties and looking it…and she didn’t. So he did what most men having an aging crisis do… he restored outward signs of his virility by replacing her for a younger model. Now mid forties, but with a young child, she did what most women in that situation do… got on with raising the child. And this was fine, but children grow up, become independent… and eventually leave. So now what?

Well… nothing. Any available age appropriate men were only interested in virility trophies or appropriately homely matches. And any woman of the same age was threatened out the park by my friend’s youthful appearance. My friend leads a full and active life, but in the same breath her appearance has sentenced her to a very lonely existence. Her connections to the adult world are superficial at best. As adults we have friends and partners so we have people who we can talk intimately to and share life’s journey with – for better or worse.

I don’t think we realise how beauty can be a total curse sometimes. Couples do not include beautiful single women in their activities. Younger single men assume beautiful women of a certain age are attached so do not approach. Age appropriate single men have a different criterion and women are threatened as we’ve said.

The importance of being included with your peers is noted when we talk of children. Great lengths are gone to by society to socialise children in age appropriate spheres. For my friend, she is as excluded from the adult world by her looks and personality as a migrant child in foreign playground. She just doesn’t belong. I do love her spirit. She accepts everyone else has their reasons. She accepts she will be alone forever. She accepts she can’t complain as she only got what she prayed for. She does enjoy looking the way she does – who wouldn’t! – even though the price seems awfully high. She’s witty and confident and breathtakingly beautiful… but she is resolutely excluded by her peers.

But sometimes – although she thinks she’s really masking it – I’ve caught that “I know why the caged bird sings” tone in her voice. It seems dreadfully to me unfair that something as superficial can exclude someone with such finality simply because they have personality, looks and not a wrinkle in fifty years on this planet. And sometimes it is so clear to me that beautiful beings are often segregated so the rest of us can just marvel at them because they are so beautiful, different, peculiar or simply amazing… we forget that in doing so they becomes lonely, and the amazing song we hear from the caged bird… is heartbreak.

Be careful what you pray for.

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