THE ANCIENT AUNT DUTY LIST
“My friends -- they're useless. If I have a problem, they don't listen. They give me some stupid cliché expression. Like, I had a bad day. My friend goes, 'Tomorrow is another day.' Oh, thanks. I didn't know that. I was so scared. I see the stores closing, the sun going down -- I thought that was it. You mean there's more?” FRED STOLLER Stand Up Comedian
We are not supposed to complain about our friends. After all this is the family we chose. If they are crap then it’s our own selection process that is at fault not our friends – we should have simply chose better ones.
I love my friends. They are a rag-tag baggle of souvenirs from the many paths of life I’ve wandered down – they are in essence a living breathing encyclopaedia of me. To not love them would be to damn myself to the status of someone who despises themselves. And I don’t, I admitted love me. Took a long while to get to know me, but by the time I did I more than liked myself. My faults could fill a couple a lever arch files, but my plus points kind of outweigh the faults – if not in numbers but in gravitas. And overall I guess my friends do exactly that too – their plus points outweigh their unbelievable crapness.
My two Gay Best Friends are a fine example of this. That many straight women set great store by gay male friends won't surprise fans who've watched Sex and the City's Carrie and her screaming-queen buddy Stanford shop for shoes. However in reality it is less about having someone to encourage me to buy extravagantly and telling me I look divine and more about sharing the secrets of our souls. However being a GBF does not automatically absolve one from being crap.
GBF 1 and I became close mates following a work trip abroad. We have an age gap but were the only two people on the trip who could see the insanity of the whole mission. Even now after all these years, just to quote some of the things said or done by some of our trip colleagues on that trip reduce us both to tears of laughter. At that time I was embroiled in an (ultimately doomed) relationship with a sportsman many years my junior and GBF1 ensured I got a mans eye view on the whole debacle each faltering step along the way. He was there throughout the whole thing and he was right there - handing me a metaphorical parachute when it was time to metaphorically jump – saving my blushes when it was over. In return I have worked with him on his inability to make a choice and stick to it – which over the years has become decreasingly worse. We’ve seen some progress but the man moves goal posts every five minutes – it is impossible to shoot or score when the goal is quite often moved to a completely different field. I do not wish to go into graphic detail about how MY life is much more complicated to juggle than his, but this friend is guilty of taking it for granted that I have nothing better to do than shuffle like an I-Pod every time he has yet another prevarication. We always have a great time when we are together – that’s a given… but getting him to commit to SPENDING that time?? Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggh!
Here’s an example. We no longer live as closely as we used to – both moving deeper into suburbia as the years have gone on – but we do ensure we meet up as much as geography and other commitments allow. So, we arrange for him to come stay a weekend at mine. Believe me dates were going backwards and forwards for months. Nothing can make a girl feel more like an ancient aunt due a duty call, than someone ‘trying to find a window for you’. But in the end we settle on a date. Knowing GBF1 as well as I do I message him to ascertain if he is DEFO coming – he replied BUT OF COURSE! And blathers on about how much he is looking forward to it. Thus assured I do what you do when you are expecting guests… clean sheets, spruce the house up, increase the booze store, clear the decks of any potential interruptions and of course grocery shop within an inch of M & S’s life! Then at pushing midnight on the night before his arrival – I get the text. He is out with (much younger than me) friends, he is having the BEST time, and they want him to continue the weekend with them... do I mind if he shunts me to another date? The ancient aunt duty call bile arose in my throat. I cancelled the weekend, and fed the local foxes a glorious M&S banquet. (Note to self: DO NOT FEED FOXES SCALLOPS… they sick it up all over your patio!)
Oh if you are wondering if things have improved since the weekend of the queasy foxes… No, not really. GBF1 is currently prevaricating over a birthday treat to Knightsbridge…HIS birthday…MY treat. WHY do some friends make you feel like spending time with you is up there with root canal work without anaesthetic?
We will skip over GBF2 for a moment and look at AAGF… Age Appropriate Girlfriend.
AAGF does not have the excuse of being so young that being self absorbed to the point of selfishness. We are practically peas from the same pod – date of births and geographic histories kind of dictated that. But above and beyond this she is one of the kindest souls I know… a bit naïve sometimes about the world (as by her own admission – nothing bad has ever happened to her) but a genuinely kind person. So how on earth did SHE make it to the crapness list?
There is an unspoken contract between friends that you should have each others back. You listen to the other person and if you are able, you give them what they need providing of course it is not something that will ultimately lead them to harm. It’s about support. Well AAGF talks a lot about where she sees her life going and how she wants it to get there. She is not shy about calling me anytime day or night to talk about her plans or solicit my advice. She is not shy about using my ability to write to help shape these plans – I’ve spent days at her place slumped over a word processor re writing her notes and sexing up her marketing material. It’s a pleasure to be of help – she’s an amazing person and I know her business venture will be a huge success. But do I get any feedback about my ambitions?.... Um NO. Has she read my published novel? Does she read my published blogs?...“One day if I have time…” She had my novel for three years…unread. We discussed many other books she read during that time, I even lay on the beach with her as she read someone else’s book. I’m not saying mine was better; I just wanted to know what SHE thought of what I had to say in mine. Same with the blogs…she’s had the link a zillion times but she’s never had a minute to read one. It’s on the ancient aunt duty list… again it’s that root canal work being preferable thing.
Ahhh…this brings me to the CMF. The Crisis Management Friend.
Now this is the only one of my friend that I never chose. My CMF just waltzed into the huge mess that was my life and sorted it all out. She handed me a gift box labelled SELF ESTEEM and then stuck around to see how that worked out. It’s been years and she’s still around. Oh come on how ungrateful would I be to moan about this friend… she saved me from abusive relationships and friendships, and has been so damn brilliant on practical matters that would have probably taken me a lifetime to sort out. And nights out with her are totally legendary, she is this person who can always assemble the best people - a night out with her at the helm would be brilliant even if we’d just stood in a phone box. This is a dictionary meaning of friendship isn’t it?
Ah……….. no. There is this undercurrent of project work going on. I just always feel like Elton taking David to the ball… and I’m David. Bet you didn’t know David Furnish is a Canadian Film Maker. In fact when I met him (pre Elton) he was on the board at the famous advertising agency Ogilvy & Mather…. But to the world he is just Elton’s bitch, like everything that happen pre 1993 doesn’t count. Well that is me with CMF… I’m her bitch. I turn up at everything she invites me to and it’s a chance for HER to shine… she doesn’t say anything to encourage it but it is taken that any success of mine is a success of hers as she’s The Guru. She has a way of doing the most miniscule of things to remind everyone that she’s the one who smoothed the way for me… little things that take me back to the fact I OWE IT TO HER. Maybe if I wasn’t I writer I wouldn’t see it… but studying the human condition is what we do and (like David Furnish) if I ever achieved anything before CMF came into my life…who cares! The only thing that matters now is the fact that everything that puts me on the map happened post CMF… so it is believed that it is to HER credit – not mine. And if straightening out this misconception is something she intends to take care of… it’s on the ancient aunt duty list, it will be got around to… some day.
I give you the KYLTF. The Known You Long Time Friend.
Women change friends with their life stages. Women jet their school friends and replace them with work or Uni friends. Then with each progression up the career ladder, they jet the old work friends who suddenly become acquaintances, before getting lost in the miah. They lose single friends as soon as they couple up and then if they have children, they find themselves dropped by their childless friends and so it goes on. When an old man is buried statistically 3 of the 6 pallbearers would have known him since they were 12. With a woman you’d be lucky if they have any body at their funeral they have known 12 years. So for a woman to actually have a KYLTF is a very precious thing indeed.
I am lucky – I have two. KYLTF1 goes back to school days and KYLTF2 goes back to Uni. When I spend time with either of these friends it is truly a blessed thing. To be able to have personal reference points that go into other decades is joyous. It is lovely to reminisce and look back on old photo albums (oh yes we have a pre-digital youth!) and also go out and get new memories without the stress of trying to figure what the other likes. So what possible beef could I have with these two marvellous women who have been mates with me through the mists of time?
I’ll tell you what... One Way Traffic! They both drive. They both have hubbies at home who could look after the cat, the aspidistra, the rainbow tribe…what ever. But do they EVER come to me? NO. I look over the last ten years of photos and here’s me at KYLTF1’s house, and at her fave local restaurant… the one up the mountain that took us hours to find!, oh! Here’s one in that lovely bar with the open terrace …down the road from her. Here’s me with KYLTF2’s house, oh man there’s a photo of us in the pub near her village…that was a good night, and look there’s both of us having an after dinner walk down by the river.
Yep… I travel. Every time. In the past it has even involved planes, and certainly regularly involves trains and automobiles! And I’m the one who doesn’t drive!!! I give marvellous parties... have these (my two most longstanding friends) EVER turned up? Um... no. Don't they think I'd like to show them off to MY people like they show me off to theirs?! And apart from THAT… don’t they WANT to see where I live? I have cooed and ahhed over their fixtures and fittings… why can’t they come and see mine? I have stalked their landscapes… I have woodlands and lakes I’d like to share too! But no. It’s as if the geography of my life is of no importance to either of them. They like royalty must be courted in situ and I as courtesan must go to them. They both keep telling me they are gonna come and see my house… it is REALLY on the list HONEST! Yeah of course.. I know that list…the ancient aunt duty list... they’ll get around to it someday, maybe, never.
I saved GBF2 to last.
Ever had one of those friends who accepts you for what you are, makes you feel you are a priority, asks your advice and gives you some back too? This is the friend who never blows you out last minute because they got a better offer, never ignores your achievements and actually supports you, doesn’t make you feel like a patched up bird with a broken wing and travels to visit you in situ.
Ever had a friend like that? Well I do. It’s GBF2.
And you know what prompted this blog…… I am the WORSE friend to him. I make silly jokes at his expense which he takes gallantly and I always swear I’ll stop (but haven’t quite yet curbed that annoying habit). I forget to return calls/texts/emails. (I really mean to... It’s just something always comes up!). I nearly always make him come all the way out to my patch of suburbia… even if the final destination is near to where he lives (but my wardrobe is HERE… what is a girl to do??). I answer his worries with clichéd expressions such as ‘Tomorrow is another day’ rather than addressing exactly HOW to face another day when you have just had such a crap one.
And yet like all my friends – he means the world to me… and I actually REALLY DO mean to change and become a better friend… cause if I was half as good a friend to you as you are to me I’d be a better person. But I’m afraid me being a better friend is on MY ancient aunt duty list.
So to all my friends…. It’s Okay.
Crap as you. Distracted and self obsessed as you be. Procrastinators of immediate action and writers of lists of things to be done (when you have the time)… YOU are the family I chose. I would not have you any other way. I must take some responsibility for having you in my life. You bring more than you take away – and I hope you can say the same about me. Knowing you lot does enrich my life experience – even if sometimes I want to choke you by the neck like a chicken!
Just had a look at The Commandments of Friendship number ten is Thou shalt forgive yourself and others who have the same faults. Who am I to mess with commandments?.. but if I do get the time I just may do that. Must pop that down on my ancient aunt duty list.
"Friends are the family you choose" - Nice one!
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