JAX WORLD: BLOG 282: Day 101

"We don't live our world by facts, but by emotions. Life is about how you value your life. Because if you think your life is a dark abyss, it will probably will end up as one." Priory Therapist

I am reliably informed that I have made good progress in the 101 days I since the shitstorm hit. Yay me! I still am battered, I am still in the sick-bay of life. BUT (to work that analogy further... ) I'm out of intensive care. And that has to be good.

I was brought up to pay things forward so this little bloglet is for anyone in pain out there. I'd like to share with you some steps that have helped me make this movement forward. To do so it would help if you do have friends/family who will support you. These often will not be the one you thought who would. You must be open to whom ever steps up to the plate with the genuine heart. I also think if access some kind of therapy many groups are free of charge - look into it) it odes help to have a mental health professional monitoring your progress. Face facts if you broke your leg you would seek a physical health professional. Being emotionally battered does require the same kind of medical support.

Okay... my journey to date:

The number one thing my therapists points out is that I have a genuine commitment to getting to the other side of what has happened to me as I am not prepared to do a Miss Havisham and live entirely in the past. That said I think it should probably go without saying that loss is loss and there is no escape from the fact that it is a mighty game changer.

Having the game change means that you have to learn some new coping tools.

The first thing is being able to find...even in the midst of total and utter heart wrenching misery... is the willingness to even want to reach for happiness.

Too often focus on the events outside our control and let them define us, we become the circumstances. This is comforting at the beginning when the shitstorm starts and we are in shock that such a thing could happen to us. But what happens is we start wearing the Victim Label like a badge of honour and become reluctant to remove it.

As much as it garners a comforting response from people, I just was not prepared to be "the girl who waited years for the love of her life who then died 2 days before her birthday, 20 days before Christmas just at the time she lost her livelihood and home too". I'd live too long on this planet and achieved too many things for this to remain my final pigeon hole. I had to commitment to putting these devastating and sad events into the past and focusing on the future. I had to push myself into making plans and visualising how it would feel to accomplish this.

This is where therapy helps. It helped as a therapist can guide you towards getting in touch with the healthiest part inside of you. Without a doubt a shitstorm that takes away your relationship, your home and your ability to provide for yourself is a blow at the most visceral level. But somewhere in you there is a drive to keep building a life for yourself. If you can locate it (and it will be a very small and weak drive) then you can start to work with this fragile drive and by boosting it you will boost your recovery.

So how do you turn your focus from the past to the future. It's all well a good giving the psycho-babble about harnessing your mind and time being the best healer, but the reality is that when you are in the eye of the storm you are battered up so bad you lose the ability to focus on the basics let alone the herculean task of getting your life back.

So... and I promise nothing. I have made progress in 101 days. I am not cured. my mind is still often in torment and it is exhausting. BUT it is possible to shut down some of the crap when it sneaks up on you and tries to impede your progress. Because I am proof that you can make progress - even from such a massive blindside.

So if you ever feel overwhelmed by the scale of the shit that life occasionally dumps all over you and are finding it hard to cope - here are some tricks you can use to make it through the days:

Shake what you mama gave ya! Obsessing about details you can never have is a great way of holding back your recovery. The if when why whats will do nothing to change what is. But this syndrome will keep trying to keep the gut wrenching pain fresh if you let it. So get in your mind a wet dog - you know how they jettison the water from their fur by shaking from head to tail very quickly? Well, when you need to jettison the if when why what thoughts and fast.

So... (and you may need to exit to somewhere private to do this) stand up and literally shake it off. Shake it!!! - from head to toe, good and hard. Waggle your arms, wobble your head, jiggle your butt!!! It's guaranteed to break the gloom of retrospection even for a short while.

Wake the lazy cleaner Imagine that your mind is a small, wooden-floored room that keeps getting all dusty and dirty (The dirt represents all your negative thoughts). Now visualize a tiny, inch-high cleaning lady snoozing in the corner of the room, an old-fashioned twig broom leaning against her chair.

Every time your thinking drifts back into dangerous territory, wake her up! Get her to start sweeping the room. Literally have her working away furiously, sweeping all that unwanted muck out the door and making the place spic ‘n span.

Yappy Yappy Dog This simple but effective trick helps you separate yourself from intrusive thoughts. Imagine that you're walking down the street and you see a dog chained up to a fence next to the sidewalk, yapping wildly at you (the dogs racket is representing the cacophony of thoughts in your head).

Every time you get that scrabbled thinking racket try to imagine that chained up dog, imagine you simply continue on your way down the street knowing that the racket the dog is making, can't hurt you. It's just noise. Hold your head up and keep on walking.

Paint the Wall This technique enables you to manage those rotten bad feelings you walk around with. Picture yourself vigorously painting all those angry, hurt, pent-up feelings in strong colors on a great big wall. Use your whole body, jabbing and stroking until the wall is violent with color. Stand back and take a good look at it. This multicoloured mess is no artwork - this is the turmoil you have inside you. Look at it.

Then imagine grabbing a roller, dipping it in a tray of thick neutrally coloured paint and rolling it criss-cross and up and down until the wall is covered all over with a field of pure neutrality. Stand back again and let yourself exhale. Then inhale and breathe in the calm.

The thing is, obsessing about the changes that are sometimes forced upon us... The things we never wanted/The things we most fear... paralises us from moving forward. And life is a forward motion. Yes we should stand still and take stock. But then we must go in the direction of our feet... they point forward (look down...they do!).

I'm not making light of what happened to me 101 days ago.

When this is over I will look back and see the huge turnpike in the road of my life and see it for what it was... an almighty game change. But I have to fight everyday to stop the doom and gloom thoughts (and lets face facts it was SHIT... and that's to say nothing of the fact that all the end of year/early new year events will forever be scared by the timing of these events)… but using these techniques helps build up some positive energy that can be used to fuel that fight. I am committed to recovering from this.

Happiness is a choice that we have to keep making for ourselves at every twist and turn in our lives - the choice to roll up our sleeves and do whatever it takes to keep moving forward .

I have been able to work hard on my commitment to get to the events that tried to define me. I'm nowhere near it, but I certainly am not where I was 101 days ago... I am a long way from that dark and shocking night. I hope that anyone reading this will never have to experience their world imploding so dramatically, but I think even with the little stresses and strains we all face in life, that some of these techniques that I have been using will be of help should anyone find them selves in any kind of emotional abyss.