JAX WORLD: BLOG 280

"None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.” Jane Austen, From her last completed novel: Persuasion

I am in a unique position to observe relationships at the moment. Having suddenly (some may say brutally) found myself back amongst the heaving masses of singletonville, I am unique having got there without some kind of altercation. The object of my affections simply expired and n'er a cross word was said, he died loving me as I him, However, due to the fact our society does not shun the bereaved (and would you credit it on this planet in 2014 there are STILL cultures who excommunicate those who had the misfortune to throw their lot in with the short-lived) - any way due to the fact we are not one of those societies, we tend to lump all the unattached together, be they single by choice, circumstance or cull.

It strikes me that with the exception of death doing you part, relationships stutter to an end mainly because of a cocktail of 6 ingredients: miscommunication, inflexibility, lack of self-esteem, unrealistic expectations, being fraudulent and the inability to drop the past and embrace the present.

But the trouble with these generic conditions, is that you do have to be aware that you are sipping that cocktail. That requires a degree of self awareness that the parties involved just don't have. If they did they'd not have a failed relationship!

So how am I that sure that the singletons that I've been hanging with for the past few months are out of their last relationships because of these conditions?

Well... I'm no expert. Have two and a half decades of failed relationships on my relationship CV, and the one time I got it right....well we all know what happened there. However, listening to men and women around me over that last three months I can see what it was that was right in my last relationship. We could have huge differences of opinion without ever once feeling that the love was at risk. Calm waters is sometimes and indication of stagnation so being free to stir things up a bit is a good thing. And believe me, for me that was something new and certainly something worth holding on to now I know how that works. This knowledge has hardly made me a relationship expert but it has made me see the glaring errors couples (including ones I was previously in) make just before the big split.

So with absolutely with zero science behind it... here are my observations.

Both - Total honesty is NOT possible - all couples lie to each other. There will be times when the truth gets edited or adapted to save the other party from being hurt.Try to note the difference between a protective lie and a hurtful deception.
Men - Being proactive about keeping the sex alive is great but don't EVER attempt to get the spark back by buying your partner anything made of PVC.

Women - Jealousy is not a great way to get someone to value you and certainly the success rate of going there with his best mate is low. Usually the Mancode will reclassify you as an untouchable - by both of them.

Men - Find the subtext. Girls rarely say what they mean, they talk in analogies. If she say she wants Shrek, she means she wants an unorthodox but witty hero not a fat bastard who lives in a swamp!

Women - Pay huge attention to where he lives now and how much he likes it. Bear that in mind if you want him to give that up to live with you .

Men - there really are not that many women who would forgo a dining room suite for a snooker table. Beware of a woman that says she will, she is certainly lying.

Women - There is a difference between make up sex and bonus sex. Bonus sex is literally one for the road before he leaves you.. Make up sex is only after reaffirming the commitment to stay.

Men - There is never a right time. Sometime you have to JFDI. Sometimes,by the time you get the tight setting and the perfect time, something or someone else would have got in the way. Life does not halt while you set the scene. When the thought occurs to you - just say it!

Women - Your mother was not wrong. Sex is a privilege not a right! Anything that is easily available is genuinely not valued. No sex before a declaration of monogamy and certainly no sex after deal breaker behaviour!

Men - Foreplay is not fiddling with the competent parts of an engine. If you haven't learnt the female anatomy ASK her what she likes. Twiddling with things like you are looking for a radio station only annoys.

Women - Stop making anniversaries of things that don't need them. Men struggle enough with the prescribed holidays (which you still should remind him of a week in advance). Don't expect him to remember the anniversary of the day he first stroked your cat. You ARE being unreasonable.

Men - Do NOT fuck with holidays.. Be your best self on all of them otherwise they become the anniversaries of the day you fucked up...every year...for EVER.

Women - If he doesn't call it's because HE IS NO LONGER INTO YOU. Nothing has happened to him. Stop worrying. Honestly stop checking the phone and go live your life, you can be sure he is living his.

Men - Romantic Comedies are made for women. You are not required to enjoy them. If you are forced to watch one view them as an education into the totally unrealistic exceptions of the female brain. Most of all they show that a huge row only cues up a huge comeback - used them as homework!

Women - Pretending you are into what he is into is a flawed philosophy. If he falls for you because you share his love for WWE... then you better learn all you can about it and stick with the interest. Easier to be honest from the outset, but if you do go the path of "ooh I am soo into that too!"...make it genuine shared interest.

Men - When you ask a woman to marry you be vaguely interested in the ceremony that you are both going to take part in, yes it is boring to care about carnations - but not giving a monkeys means you won't get the girl (or the ring back).

Women - So you got engaged. For heaven sake remember it's just a ceremony and a party on ONE day of the rest of your lives together. STOP obsessing and competing the world and give your man and your relationship some attention.

Both - The very evening your whole relationship tanks after a lovely meeting in a neutral spot where they can be no embarrassing scenes, Please bare in mind that, the one who did not know the end is nigh is going home to a bedroom cleaned within an inch of is life, complete with fresh sheets mood lighting and music at the ready. It'l be the worse nights sleep they ever have. Go easy on them?

It's so odd. The mistakes we make. But you know what, we are ALL human. we all make mistakes. Usually it's because we are human and because as humans we need love so bad that we'll even accept a facsimile of it - just if it means that for a while we won't be alone.

And every relationship that fails usually fails because of that, Because it wasn't real because it was purely a facsimile in the final analysis.

Take it from someone whose experienced (and lost) the real deal.... you don't want a facsimile. It will not serve you well. If you want to spare yourself the agony, the pain and the disappointment of having the biggest joy any human being can experience turn to dust,,, wait for the real thing. Because the real joy of being human is being able to love and being loved in return,

Disagreements with the people you are with are a test. If you get over it without settling - you'll last the course. If not... then eventually you will be back to Singletonville and the holding pen along side the widows, widowers and the non- people.

Don't turn bitter in the waiting, Nurture the hope that even if for a short while someone takes you out of Singletonville.

If it's the right person you won't be buying the other one pvc or fucking up holidays, a mutualistic relation will take place: Symbiosis (if you like)

Who knows... you may never have to go back again.