"A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him." Mae West
It's a difficult thing having cross gender friendships. This is not to say that the friendships themselves are particularly difficult, just the place they occupy
in the real world. In a world geared up for coupledom, it is sometimes a
little hard to find a natural resting place for the boys and gals who
are there to support each other, love each other to bits, but have no
desire to practice procreation on each other.
Should you hang out regularly with a member of the opposite sex, be prepared for some mis-understandings along the way. Society
may not be entirely ready for friendships between men and women that
have no sexual subtext. People with close friends of the opposite gender
are often barraged with nudging, winking and skepticism: "Are you really just friends?"
As y'all know, Jax
does not rub along too nicely with her own gender. I have great girl
friends, this is true - but despite my rather obsessive need to have
enough footwear to competently shod a centipede
(should said insect have size 37 (euro) feet)… I don't cut it at all as
a girlie girl. I'm too blunt to be coy (oh for heaven sake just say
it), I'm too thirsty to order tipples at a bar (erm...
have you seen the size of those tiny glasses??... mines a pint barman
and PRONTO), I'm too practical to care what exercises you have to do to
get Pippa Middleton's bum (arses are for sitting on aren't they?) and I've never really understood why on earth pink is such a must have colour.
When
I find myself in exclusive female company, there is absolutely always a
point where someone asks me about a universal key to girly-girl-hood -
and I stumble and stutter for an answer. I literally have no idea why I
should be attracted to Gary Barlow, why I should care what some bint
on whatever soap is doing, why I should hope that Jennifer Anniston's
love life works out, or why I should have some convoluted plan to stop
guys watching sport. I just don't care enough about any of the aforementioned stuff to have an opinion, and my usual 'fake it tll you make it' policy falls apart
in seconds as the girlie-girls are never satisfied with one answer on
these subjects.... to even acknowledge the question always invites
several more. The gig is up in seconds!
So what can I talk about at length or with any degree of competency?
Well...
I'm on pretty safe ground if someone asks me what I think of the
manager of my local football club (always helps to have someone who had
successful seasons as a player for the same club he manages and who got
us promoted in his first season, besides he was chairman of the
Professional Football Players Assoc so he really has the players ear and we do win more matches under his stewardship... though gawd damn it why on earth do we lose as many games as we draw?)
Well...
I'm pretty safe if someone asks me which of the new season of computer
games are the best ( It'll take something to beat Dishonored as it is so damn intuitive, so I can't imagine dumping this one in the pre-used section of my local emporium anytime soon... and November 6th has a huge ring around it as Halo 4
has its UK release and lets face facts with the exclusion of ODST[What
were they THINKING!!!] Halo absolutely never disappoints - even if I
cried like baby girl when Kat (Lieutenant Commander Catherine - B320)
died. )
Errm... safe also on any questions about politics. I am proud to have enough tolerance of the rest of humanity to be left of centre. I am a socialist in Europe and a Democrat in the States. I believe that no civilised
nation could call it self so if it focus purely on the economic
blueprint as this is far too volatile and effected by outside forces,
better to look internally and ensure ALL your nationals have a roof over
their head,,
healthy bodies with food in the belly , and an educated mind. Those who
wish to bring down a society are always angry about the lack of one of
those. Those who wish to build a strong society are always happy they
got those. Happiness brings sincere loyalty and a sincerely loyal
populace will work hard to create a strong economy. That said dontchya just love cartoon politicians who are entertainingly stupid like my cities Major Boris?
Oh
yeah... no worries talking about sex. After all … I am descended from a
long line of people who managed to convince people to have sex with
them. I really can't understand why it is considered 'good
form' to try to pretend that the horizontal foxtrot is something that
never happens. I do it, my parents do it, their parents did it.... and
so on right back to the caveman who thought...oooh she looks fiiiinnnne!
It doesn't look good for getting in with the girly gals does it?... along comes Jax on her 6 inch sparkly Gianmarco Lorenzi's , 33 inches of leg hanging out of a flippy skirt and talking bollix about football, computer games, politics and rumpy-pumpy with a a pint in her sparkly nailed paw.
Yup... you can almost see them edging away (politely of course) and
muttering stuff about THAT ONE not giving EXACTLY what it advertises on
the tin.
To
be fair though, the girlie-girls are actually jolly nice about the fact
that I look one way and act another. I don't float their boat (most say
that ultimately they should have known
because on closer inspection they can see that my nails bear only a
clear coat of glitter varnish and show no signs of having EVER had a
manicure). Girly-gals tend to acknowledge me nicely (as per their
code)and invite
me into their circles only when a gathering requires a bit of
controversy (which they expect me to supply). This is mutually
beneficial and we do pop along very nicely until I rub them up the wrong way that it!
Which is why, most of the time, I tend to hang with the guys, and (my best friend in Italy aside) my best chums are all fellas.
There is no real problem with this for us, but every now and again... being that we do live in a couple-sentric world... we do come across folk who have absolutely no idea what to make of it. Hence the misunderstandings I mentioned a the top of the blog.
It seems that for those to whom having a close emotional connection to
someone you are not bonking and who is most certainly is not of your
gender does invite comment and some inane ponderings (which clearly due
to a lack of internal monologue) is often said to me.
You kow the drill... this is JaxWorld... so here comes THE LIST!:
- You must find each other physically repulsive. Actually this is not true. I have not idea WHY some people think this has to be the case if you operate a cross gender relationship. There is a huge difference between acknowledging that someone is attractive and actually being attracted to them. Besides our friends are a reflection of ourselves, so who on earth wish to reflect an image of replusion?! Guys...if you are reading this ...I don't wish to jump you but you are ALL hot...OK!
- You are preventing each other from having satisfying relationships with someone else. Again, what a lot of hokem. My male friends are the furthers point from 'cock-blockers' you can get. I fact this syndrome is much more likely to happen when I am out with my coupled-up girlfriends [who totally get in the way if I get hit on during a night out with them, they either disapprove palpably if I respond to incoming attention or block incoming attention by declaring it's "A GIRLS ONLY NT" safe in the knowledge that THEY have a pillow warmer to go home to and I should go home and feed the cat]. My guy mates strike up natural conversation with the people I am interested in (while I decamp to the loo) and then introduce me (having built me up nicely) when I come back. A system that I happily replicate in return.
- If you two love each other and are NOT a couple - One of you HAS to be gay. Poppy cock! Okay two of my best mates are gay men, but two are hetro all the way. The sexual attraction thing really baffles peoples heads and I can see why they jump to the conclusion that if two attractive people are not sexually pulled to each other then one of them must be wired for it NEVER to be a possibility. But it is Total Rubbish. With my male best friends I have an intellectualised attraction, which is biological and chemical. Yes, it is love, but not with a persons sexual potential it is with the intellectual stimulation. I can understand the confusion, as in the history of mankind it has been a short period that sexual attraction has been the major compatibility factor. In another century, intellectualised attraction was enough basis to have married and had a nice life together. But at the end of the 20th, marriage began with falling in love. Thus now in the 21st century, loving a friend you don't want to have sex with is not enough to be a couple on. If the biology and chemistry says no... then it's no... you don't have to be gay for it to be absolute.
- You cannot have platonic friendships until you are really old - because of the hormones. Running out of words to say rubbish with! It is a huge insult to both ends of the spectrum to assume that sex drives are diminished with age or souped up with youth. It reminds me of when young children discover procreation and assume their parents are too old to STILL be doing it! Sexual attraction - the desire to avail your body to the most intimate of probing- is something humans enjoy for recreation... FACT. My platonic friendships exist because of a mutalised intellectual attraction too powerful to walk away from because of the total lack of a sexual one. This is not an age bound thing... it is totally an attraction bound thing. I assure you when I am 80 and I find myself in a situation where my antenna is stimulated into prone mode... he will NOT be recruited as a FRIEND. 80 or no... I'm jumping his bones!
- You must be unable to do girly things with a male friend and he must be unable to do guy things with you. Okay... this is what is shared between all best friends; 1) They spend a lot of leisure time alone together, not just a few lunches every now and then. 2) They trust each other to the point where they share private information with each other that few other people know. 3) They share an emotional bond but neither is sexually attracted to the other. From my point of view this means that as some of my best friends are guys, I am also able to access a “man’s perspective” without the complications of sexual attraction but with someone I trust. From their point of view this means they get a girls eye view under the same conditions. BUT does this mean I don't get to do girl things?...remember the basis of the friendship is intellectualised attraction... which means we are into the same things! So guess what as I like to follow my local footie team, play games on me Xbox 360, argue politics, talk about sex, and have a pint of Guinness extra cold.... so do they!
I can understand that people who live in an exclusively coupled-up
world will always have a problem trying to understand how it is that
men and women end up being best friends. I can totally understand that
those people are always on the lookout for the moment "the teapot pours into the teacup" so that they can exhale with relief and realise
life is exactly like a romantic comedy and that everyone... yes
absolutely everyone, of opposite genders who have a deep connection are
meant to mate.
But they have to understand this.
Life is not a romantic comedy. These are not the guys I will ride into the sunset with. I know this . They know this... and we all wish you knew this too, so we can move on. We are friends...best friends.
Yes, there is love there. But it is not 'In-love'. In-love is a sexually based reaction and there is no sex in friendship. But yes there is love. You cannot have a friendship without love. Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.
I
deeply love my friends. I love their wit. I love their intuition where I
am concerned. I love the fact they are not catty or bitchy behind my
back. I
love the fact they say the dress doesn't make me look fact but the
six pies I ate yesterday probably do! I love the fact they have a
different almost alien perspective on the stuff I talk to them about. I love the fact they keep the creeps away but pimp me out to people they find suitable. I
love the fact they pepper my shopping trips with detours to the pub.
And most of all... I love the fact they are physically stronger than
me, so they can carry my shoe-shopping bags home.
OMG...!!!
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