BLOG 225: Something Heavy

" Sally; the fact that you're not answering [the phone] leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back. "    

Answer Machine message left by Harry (Billy Crystal) in the movie  From When Harry Met Sally (1989)  

Okay - I am one of the originators of the term "Yellow Dumping".    I had discussed the fact that a date once e-mailed me to tell me he could not see a future in 'us', which frankly I found hilarious... unfortunately when word of this got to a friend, then another friend...it ended up being broadcast on London's top radio show and became a little notorious for a while. The man involved felt rather embarrassed (but took it well...after all notoriety is a fame of sorts), and the story became part of one of my most successful blogs [see blog 22: June 2009] which has been picked up by various publications all over the English speaking world. So I have a little warm spot for Yellow Dumping, as ultimately it has done me much more good than harm. 

However, I often get asked (as one of the originators of the term) for my  stance on electronic communication  when it comes to saying that end of the road has been reached - be in about future plans or relationships or indeed just general courtesy. Today again is one of those days, as I have to cobble together a piece for an Aussie publication about the subject. In Australia sometimes the distances are huge and to expedite changes of plans swiftly they do seem to have a penchant for texting over any other form of communication as it appears a text gets through regardless. Whilst this makes some logical sense...it does leave the door rather open for Yellow Dumping. You do have to wonder why it is a text can get through but a follow up telephone conversation cannot. (It's not called yellow for nothing!... I smell cowardice in the air folks!). No apologies for that comment folks, I think it's pretty rude in almost all circumstances to just leave it with a text.  I text a LOT and have come to use it as my main mode of communication. Yet saying that I can't think of one time where it wouldn't be more appropriate to just call the person to cancel...it takes less time to just call.  

So anyway, here I am sitting here thinking SURELY, there must be a social etiquette for electronic communications, SURELY people must know when it is appropriate to use text and when it ruddy well is not? Well... apparently, there is not one.  People just do what ever they feel will expedite the issue quickly so they can tick the box. There is little thought to how the recipient feels - it's all about what works for the sender. Now... that just seems plain wrong to me.  

For the record, in JaxWorld, it is perfectly fine to decline or cancel plans by text ONLY if the  plans were proposed over text messaging.  

That way, the standard for the arrangements have already been set with the text, making it perfectly fine for you to say you can't make it by means of the same format.  If you use text under any other circumstances...BE WARNED.... texting is the ultimate cop out and people can see right through it.  It's the best way to TOTALLY piss someone off! In other words... step away from the text screen for 2 seconds and THINK.  

Think... do I really need an angry friend right now?  In JaxWorld, if the arrangements were NOT originally made by text and you HAVE to cancel -you should call rather than text. Sure, they're as likely to see a text as they are your call or hear your voicemail, but reaching out with a human voice  is a more caring way to cancel than some words on a small screen.    

But when you are writing articles, you do have to check that you are not a lone voice in the wilderness. (No matter HOW right you feel you are - and I feel in am). So, off I went to check with my peeps if they share my point of view. Best laid plans of mice and men? ** sigh***. … oh judge for yourself:  

Matthew:  

"In my Dad's day yeah you had to call to cancel anything. He said that once he called a friend to cancel an arrangement and  found that he had not only to explain why he was cancelling, but then had to listen to her for nearly any hour trying to make him go to the thing anyway!! HUGE... WASTE... OF... TIME!  - he couldn't go and that was that...but he had to listen to an hour of her trying to 'find a way this could still work' before he was allowed to get on with his life!. Thing is these days  WHO has the time to hear long winded rebuttals from paranoid people that believe they've been rejected. So rather than deal with all that crap we use the technology we have to hand. I always just send a short text to which there are no rebuttals. Quick. Simple. And best of all DRAMA FREE."  

Amanda:  

  "I work in a no phones zone so can't be seen on a personal call.. so if I have to cancel plans while I am at work... I act like I'm bending down doing something but I'll text a message as fast as I can.. so the person gets a message that the arrangements are off as quickly as possible.. at least they have some kind of contact...I suppose it should be followed up with a call, but why labour the point - you've let them know you ain't going and it's not like you're a no show... now THAT would be rude."    

Alex:  

"Texting to cancel instead of calling is one of the consequences of our technological society. I think that texting is now considered an accepted form of communication. It is not my personal favourite way of communicating -  it is definitely less personal and informal than a phone call or a face to face meeting, but, at least it means people are  letting each other  know  what is occurring"  

Charlotte:  

" Anyone who uses this type of communication past something simple like I am running five minutes late - is rude. If a someone can't be bothered to call to cancel they are not worth your time or further invites  - Simples!"  

So... oh dear... not as cut and dried as I had hoped. Standard rules of writing mean that you have to have 3 external sources in agreement to have a mandate.  I thought by picking 2 females and 2 males of my acquaintance (all of whom are well balanced and well mannered)  that  at least 75% would come down resolutely on the side of PICK UP THE PHONE. But … it seems technology has muddied the waters a little...I have no more of a mandate than when I started. 

You know what though? Bollix to the rules!!!  I haven't moved an inch on my stand point. It seems that we have lowered our standards from a polite withdrawal to an oh well better than not letting you know at all.  

I think it is time to take a stand for good old fashioned MANNERS: 

 JAX 

*If someone has been kind enough to invite you somewhere.  

*If you have been committed enough to accept.  

*You SHOULD be polite enough to let them know you are cancelling by the most personal method available.  

*If you have to cancel... DO IT IN PERSON or at least PICK UP THE PHONE...  so what if you have to listen to the rebuttals or wrath of the other person  - you are dumping them... the least you can do is have the balls to take the consequences!  

Ha! That felt gooooooooooooood! 

On this blog at least, I am free to voice my own (clearly unsubstantiated) opinion.  I may not have a mandate but this is how I feel. YES....This is the 21st century, of course we should use text messaging to let people know changes as soon as possible, but we SHOULD follow it up with personal contact. It's the least the other person deserves.  

Cancelled plans requires the organiser to make alternate arrangements... the LEAST you can do is PERSONALLY apologise for the inconvenience you have caused them. Hiding behind an electronic device  is exactly that - hiding. And hiding is YELLOW. Oh YES it is!!! This is the 21st century...face facts...there are FEW circumstances that  prohibit the use of a telephone forever.  As soon as it is decently possible- make a telephone call to that person!  

Unless of course you are trapped under something heavy ...  

Now THAT is an excuse no one can argue with!

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