"Many a man is praised for his reserve and so-called shyness when he is simply too proud to risk making a fool of himself.” J. B. Priestley
I once knew a kid at primary school who was too shy to even answer the register. Miss would shout out our names and we’d each in turn shoot our arm into the air and answer brightly “Here Miss!!”. Not Anthony Earley – he was ‘too shy’. Instead each morning and afternoon session for six years, the rest of the class would raise their arm, point at him and chant in unison “He’s here Miss!!”. Anthony Earley... I often wonder what became of him. I trust he grew out of it and realised he was not so special that he could abdicate responsibility and let everyone else do what needed to be done for him.
Even as five year old children we knew if we ever wanted registration to end and get onto the good stuff (painting, Lego, orange juice and biscuits) we’d have to answer for him. Anthony Earley would simply sit in his appointed chair lower his eyelashes to sweep his blushing cheekbones and purse his lips. Experience had taught us that this state of affairs would continue indefinitely... and five year old children will let nothing or no one stand between them and orange juice with a straw and biscuits shaped like zoo animals.
And that’s the thing. Shy people expect everyone else to do their social intercourse for them knowing for the sake of expediency everyone else will. It’s probably the most unforgiveable arrogance a person could exhibit and yet it is often the most often forgiven. If you hesitate indulging a shy person and stop to think for a second you have to ask yourself a couple of questions.... why are they so damn special...do they honestly believe the rest of us relish being exposed?
Truth be said NONE of us relish being in any situation where we are exposed. There is nothing more exposing than talking in front of people. We all can’t be Anthony Earley who abdicated the responsibility of saying two words to a class of thirty of his peers. Most of us just have to suck it up, smile and take our courage in both hands and get on with it.
It is a momentary fear, one that rightly gives us pause, but shy people are so special that their pause always turns out to be a freeze. They don’t get that the hesitate before social exposure is felt by us all. It is the same as the feeling you get on a diving board when it seems a far safer option to shuffle back along the board and go down the steps back to the safety of terra firma. Most of us inhale, poise and just dive in. The Anthony Earley’s of this world are the ones going the wrong way on the diving board steps.
It is totally universal to feel fear of exposure. I doubt very much if anybody craves the spotlight in the way that shy people assume the rest of us do. I for one get very upset when shy people make a virtue out of their refusal to take the risk the rest of us do and ascribe to us character flaws for the fact the we get on with what in the end has to be done.
I have an Irish friend who makes a virtue of being shy. Her shyness is seen as being tactful and considerate. In fact she presents the fact that she seldom speaks as being a good listener and is taking time to be observant.
In a one to one conversation she will not make eye contact, and communicates by head movements rather than use her voice. On the odd occasion that she has to talk publically she will stumble over her words, forget what she was going to say, start talking incoherently and making herself blush as she feels foolish. Thus she prefers not to talk but to listen and observe.
Of course... being a classically shy person, she is not listening at all, in fact while social intercourse takes place, all she is thinking about what you could be thinking of her. Being classically shy means that her perception of the world is that it is a place where her flaws are examined under a microscope and that social intercourse means that she will be exposed. Thus she over reacts to anything that registers on her distorted radar as disapproval which affects her motor skills and reduces her ability to talk to gibberish. Her shyness makes her a prisoner in her own skin and has resulted in her also becoming classically passive aggressive about it.
And there’s the rub... she cannot communicate effectively so she makes everyone who can feel bad about their ability.
Hence why she refers to her friends who overcome their own fear of exposure and just get on with it as “Bold”. Believe me... where she comes from “Bold” is a derogatory word. To her any action that is assertive or confident... is confrontational, direct and (in her opinion) – aggressive. To her the word ‘Bold’ has much the same meaning as the phrase “In your face” which is in my opinion an equally cruel and hurtful way to describe the actions of those who override their own personal fear to ensure that the wheels keep moving.
Being able to say something in front of people is not aggression.
Sucking up the courage to say hello to complete strangers and ask and answer over and over again “so... who are you.?.. what do you do?” is not being aggressive.
Making conversation in stressful situations, having an opinion, and being articulate is not being aggressive.
Being able to make people laugh or feel at ease is not being aggressive.
But I tell you what is:
Calling anyone who is able to conduct themselves with a show of confidence as ‘in your face’ when they are not displaying aggression.
It is just about as low as you can get. It is a blatant attempt to undermine another person’s confidence... and I am struggling to find the virtue in that.
I think again of Anthony Earley, and how it was that the whole class came to answer for him when his shyness stopped him. I don’t recall aggression. I don’t recall anyone being “bold.”
I do recall that the first name on the register was Robert Adams and the last was Barbara Zimmerman....I do recall Anthony sitting in his primary school chair with his eyes cast to the floor, shaking, breathless and blushing as the teacher asks yet again “Anthony Earley?”
Come back in time with me....
The school porter has left the crate of orange juice on the teacher’s desk. Thirty cute little bottles and a clutch of straws held in an elastic band. Beside it lay a plate of malted milk biscuits. After registration we can dig in. I recall being thirsty from running around playing British Bull Dog at break time.
“Anthony Earley?”
Not a word.
Thirty small children glance one more at the crate of orange juice getting warm in the afternoon sun.
“Anthony Earley?”
Not a word from Anthony Earley.
Thirty small children glance once more at a plate of malted milk biscuits turning hard in the warm air of the classroom.
“Anthony Earley?”
One of the small children lifts her arm into air and points at Anthony Earley... “He’s here Miss” she says
“Pardon... what was that?” says the teacher
Twenty nine small children look at the teacher and back at the girl with her arm in the air. They then look at the plate of malted milk biscuits and the little bottles of orange juice. Silently consensus is reached.
Thirty small children have arms in air, they each point in the direction of Anthony Earley.
“He’s here Miss!!!” they chorus.
You see... there is no virtue in being shy. Anthony Earley’s chronic shyness nearly cost us our post break snack... and would have done for the next few years unless I put my hand up that day.
Shyness demands that others accommodate, compensate and counter balance it. Shyness is bold. Shyness is in your face.
We ALL experience discomfort when we are in an unfamiliar situation/setting, we ALL worry how we will be viewed by others, but at the end of the day we have to keep the wheels moving... because it’s not ALL about US all the time!
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