BLOG 168: K.I.S.S.

“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.” Emil Ludwig


My mother once told me that kissing is very important and should not be done lightly. She’s not alone, the ancient Chinese believed that a kiss is like drinking salted water... once done your thirst will not be sated it will only increase. The bible states that kissing is more delightful than wine. And less holy it has to be noted that most prostitutes do not kiss as they feel kissing is far too intimate.

I agree with probably most of that (better than wine?... really?!) but most of all when it comes to kissing it is probably the one human interaction whereby you cannot really be anything other than 100% present. As Stephen Kings favourite writer Robert Heinlein said so eloquently - “When he is kissing you he isn’t doing ANYTHING else – you are his whole universe”.

That said, to my eternal chagrin, and the amazement of all my friends, I have absolutely NO memory of my first kiss. Which is pretty amazing as if I could I would put kissing on my CV ... so you would think I would remember the first time... but I can’t.

I was with my girlie friends reminiscing about first loves and while I remember like yesterday my passion for pop stars, Paul Newman (watch Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and KNOW what I mean), and even my pash for the bus conductor on the 122 bus to Crystal Palace (oh the summers wasted travelling back and forth on that route just in case Leroy the conductor came on)... I have no memory at all of when my lips first saw live action!

Hey ho! First’s aren’t always memorable. There are a lot first times that slip the memory but subsequent outings in the same sphere have gone on to be earth shattering. Usain St. Leo Bolt has little memory if any of the first time he ran... but every memory from the point he showed a talent at it. They call him Lightening Bolt now!

I think I maybe the Usain Bolt of kissing... not that I’m the fastest on earth or anything but I have my lightening moments.

So... this is for my girlie friends who stopped drinking wine and eating kettle chips to stare at me with disbelief as I wracked my brain and was still unable to remember my very first kiss. Here you are... my top five FIRST kisses. (And yes... the identities of the other sets of lips have been changed to protect the not so innocent!)

OK.

In at number five:

5. Finally after too many years of “Does he do or does he don’t”

We called it the company from hell! Two divisions of the same company shared most soul destroying office run by a short fat controller who thought he was God. The photocopier was at my end of the office and a very gorgeous man sat at the water dispenser end of the office. The whole office was entertained by just how many bogus trips to the photocopier this guy could make and how many cups of water I could drink. Years went by. He photocopied enough to wallpaper a house. I still have problems with my bladder after consuming more water than a camel. I left the company. He emigrated. End of story. Until one night, I went to a party hosted by one of my ex-colleagues from the company from hell. It was in the days where chocolate fountains were the big new thing. The hostess of the party must have rung me 10 times to ask when I was going to get there. (Ok back then chocolate fountains were cool but give me a break... I don’t even like chocolate; I’ll get there when I get there). I arrived and went to circuit the room to catch up with friends, my hostess swooped and dragged me out of the main room of the party. “Come and see my chocolate fountain” she enthused. I tried to tell her that I’m a savoury girl and I only had eyes for the cheese fondue... but she was having none of it. She’d given a room over to the blessed chocolate fountain and I had to go in and see it. Looking back I can see now that a closed door at a party is a big clue... but back then I didn’t get it and allowed my hostess to push me through the door of the dedicated chocolate fountain room and close it tight behind me. Well in the room was the bubbling tower of chocolate for sure, but standing next to it was photocopier man. You all know I’m a words person... I think I recall EVERY word every said around me since the midwife said “IT’S A GIRL”. But I do not recall anything at all... though there definitely was a preamble of words ascertaining something to do with flying back just to give this a go. But what I do recall with complete clarity was that when he moved in and we connected, my noisy yappy head that usually has one hundred billion thoughts rushing about and colliding... silenced. For as long as it lasted (which was a while)... I experienced floating on air while still very much being on the ground (well polished floorboards really, but you get the point). I don’t think before or since I have ever been so entirely present in a moment. I was actually speechless for several hours.

(Postscript: Sadly we NEVER got together as we had truly missed our time with all the procrastinating and emigrating and stuff but to this day the photocopier guy and I remain friends. The kiss will always be fondly remembered.)

Holding steady at number four:

4: The Swans cheating lips

I met this guy at a wedding when I was a teenager. He was my first real boyfriend I suppose; boys were really light on the ground for me when I was a teenager due to me being a classic ugly duckling. However this guy saw through that and realised getting in with a signet means you have a future with a swan. I was just grateful AT LAST to have a boyfriend I didn’t have to pay (yes, things were THAT bad!). Ugly or not, one thing I could bring beauty to was dancing, so my boyfriend took me to a swanky London venue which hosted London’s radio stations annual “Best Assemble In Town”. This was the kind of event teenagers DREAMT of going to (but couldn’t afford on standard issue pocket money and a Saturday job). In the venue the best dancers in London vied for attention as the hottest dance acts played live. It was amazing! My dancing back then was pretty good and somehow or other I landed one of the best podium spots and danced my little teenage heart out. When I clambered down all sweaty and exhausted it did occur to me BRIEFLY that my boyfriends kissing ability had gone up a few notches – but I put that down to him being entranced by my fantabulous dancing. My GOODNESS!! He had leapt up a few notches... the kiss was AMAZING... I recall with clarity my feet were actually levitating of the dance floor! The lighting crew realised something amazing was going on too and threw a spotlight onto us. This was all the act on stage needed to start playing a little bump and grind. The MC also noticed and made and announcement about “Lurve being in the air tonite!” All this fuss made the kiss drift back into the real world and the participants pull apart. I turned and smiled gormlessly and embarrassed at the gathered crowd who were actually applauding. Which was when I noted one of them.... was my boyfriend. I turned quickly and looked at who on earth I had been snogging the living daylights out of... and it was his cousin!

(POST SCRIPT: Actually this one turned out well – my boyfriend met the woman he went on to marry that night so he gave his blessing for his cousin to move in on me. I dated the cousin from that kiss right through to my first year of Uni... and I assure you the kisses only got better!)

And... in at number three...

3. The Men and Women Cannot be Friends Kiss

I had an editor friend who had married young, had too many kids (like one a year for a decade!) who couldn’t cope when his wife left him for another man. He relied on me for emotional support and while he was draining every bit of tea and sympathy out of me was also a brilliant help with my fledgling writing career. He decided to reinvent himself as a musician (hello mid-life crisis) and came round to my house, guitar in hand to test his songs on me. I cannot explain just how intimate it can be having a concert for one in your living room. I also cannot explain how discombobulating it is to listen to the very personal and emotional lyrics of song after song when the author is less than a few feet from you and staring into your soul as he sings. He finished, propped up his guitar and flopped on the sofa next to me and whispered hoarsely “so what do you think?”. I couldn’t hear him over the sound of blood rushing to my head, and turned to say “pardon?”. Instead of communicating verbally though what transpired was about a minute of breathing in each others faces! On the 61st second he bit the bullet by moving in for the softest butterfly kiss there ever was.

(Post script: We couldn’t move on from that moment. There was no going back to just being friends and there was no hope of ever having a relationship due to his immense amount of baggage. We’ve not seen each other in years. The kiss will always remain one of the most emotional and beautiful of my life though)

Thwarted from being top of the charts... number two

2. The telephone kiss

My best friend’s husband had a brother who shared a mutual attraction with me but also a complete lack of good timing – we were always with someone else when ever our paths crossed. Finally we were BOTH single at the same time and he came to a party at my house. After years of yearning, we both became ridiculously shy about making the first move now we were able to and the whole party passed without us saying a word to each other. Finally he approached me to ask where I had put the phone as he wanted to ring for a cab. (Oh yes we are going back to the days before mobile phones were standard issue). I had put the phone on the floor in the outer hall so people could make calls and be heard over the party hub-bub so I took him to it. We sat cross legged on the floor and I dialled the local cab company for him. I started to order his cab and the controller asked me for his postcode so she could inform the driver accurately of his address. I turned to ask him for this information. He leant across me and cut off the call, and in the same move delivered a passionate kiss. I dropped the handset and threw myself into the moment which carried on into minutes.

(POSTSCRIPT: He didn’t get a cab that night and stayed for over a decade!)

And number one for some time unless someone figures how to top this....

1. The Hollywood Kiss

I was on a first date with a fella and we had gone to one of my most favourite (and often unrated) spots in London – The South Bank. He’d taken me to MOMI (The museum of the moving image ... I’m a film buff...he had done his research) and we’d had an excellent meal in the eclectic Gabriel’s Wharf which I still rate as the best 1st date spot in the whole city. It was slowly moving into dusk and we were at that moment before the street lights come on to take us firmly into night. We wandered along the banks of the Thames. He turned to me and said he was going to kiss me in “Three... Two... One”, then he clicked his fingers. Instantly the lights flickered on across the city. It was amazing... like magic. (Though clearly he had researched and timed this date to a micro-second). I don’t think I have ever been more impressed by a man in my life... nor has one EVER received a kiss like that from me!

(POSTSCRIPT: Though I will NEVER kiss this particular man ever again (he was great a first dates but sooooo not a keeper.) It will take some effort to nudge that first date kiss of the top of my all time chart, in that moment... I was the most important person in a city of 10 millions souls; I truly believed it lit up for me)


So there we go. I hope the girlies forgive me for being so totally blank on my very first kiss, but that is the great thing about life ....there are first times to be had all the time if you look at them from the right angle! It doesn’t really matter if you can remember your actual very first something I hope.

Kisses are special; they are a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. And in that moment of closeness there is magic to be found. If it all turns out to be smoke and mirrors later.... it doesn’t really matter. When you are in a kiss the moment is eternal because both of you do not have any plans and neither of you are going anywhere. You are never more present in a moment than in a kiss.

Maybe that’s why the first kiss will always linger.... even if my very first one didn’t!














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