BLOG 165: The importance of being liked

“I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I do like to be something to someone.” Ali Mortimer Javan

I’ve had a week of being analysed. Now this for anyone born and bred in the British Isles is an uncomfortable experience. We Brits do not as a nation revel in digging too deeply into the psyche. We are most content at surface level. However it is what it is... my psyche has been probed, prodded and analysed and I now possess not one but two charts that tell me all about me.

Oh what a surprise (NOT)... it came up that I am a ‘highly external’ person who gets validation from outside myself. Errrrrmmm... could have saved hours of computer time by telling the machines that myself. Jax likes to be liked.

My greatest moments of uncertainty (which are swiftly and always followed by a period of catastrophic disaster) have always been when I have struck out against the popular tide and found myself free from any support. My finest moments have always followed the roar of applause and a certain amount of back patting – I thrive when the crowd like my act.

But I was surprised to discover that this tendency is in fact not the norm.

Apparently the vast majority of mankind bobble along with an inner voice that says ‘hey ACE idea me... lets go for it’. The vast majority of mankind are self applauding and have a full set of validation stamps that say ‘hey COOL...carry on’. Seems there are not many like me that hesitate and wait for someone else to say ‘Go on... you may proceed’. Highly external people need the approval of others on practically everything... and have been known to go to extraordinary lengths to get it.

It’s a dangerous trait to have. Unscrupulous people may see this as an easy thing to take advantage of... always subtlety suggesting that an highly external person could save the day if only they did something that a less plaudit driven person would figure out would be either illegal or immoral!

Of course I would love to say I am FAR too bright never to be taken advantage of in this way. However there are a couple of occassions where my need for it to be me saving the day has resulted in me taking a walk on the wrong side of the law...

Like the time when a handsome Australian’s visa was running out and I proposed he should just marry me to stay (yep I was nearly Mrs Kangaroo)... all for the sake of seeing the light of approval in someone else’s eyes. I can't tell you how delighted MY boyfriend at the time was with me proposing matromony to another fella. Luckily the visa issue took care of itself, (who knew Mr Kangaroo had an English Grannie in Whitby Bay!... he certainly didn’t). I’d love to say that visa motivated proposal was not something an intelligent person like me would have ever really seen through... not with all the deception and real risks to my personal liberty and crime free record. But if I’m honest when I look back to that time... yeah I would have gone through with it, risked annoying the UK border agency all for the sake of someone else saying I was lynchpin kind of useful! I’d love to say that with the benefit of the years I am so much more stable and secure and would NEVER consider doing such a stupid thing for a friend (even one that handsome) again... but I can’t.

I really don’t need a psychometric test to tell me if I’m asked to do something where the end result will be popularity of any description... it’s a shoe in that I’ll say yes.

I guess I’ve always been this way. I like to be liked.

I like people to think I’m (insert any positive adjective here). I don’t do conflict, I tend to just withdraw from someone if there is little hope of a positive outcome. I prefer people to nod, smile and use affirming language when they think of me... so guilty as charged of going the extra mile to make that happen. There was no need to offer to marry an overstaying Aussie, host a Diwali party (I’m not even remotely Hindu), or stay on the train 2 extra stops so I can walk a lost tourist to the door of the museum they can’t find, but these are the things I do and (marrying Antipodeans aside) are the kind of things I do with starting regularity. All for that warm glow you get when the cause of someone else being relieved of a burden... is you.

It’s a high risk strategy to conduct oneself in this manor. Obviously the jail time risk I previously referred to is a big one, but more routinely pleasing people, saving people, and waiting for people to throw bouquets (or rotten eggs) is no way to live. It would be far better to be one of those people who genuinely does not care about other people’s perception and validate their own ticket.

It seems strange to me that I’m not one of those people. After all I grew up with two parents who never for one minute made me feel anything other than loved and I am very self assured about love as a consequence. Being loved and giving love are emotional responses and my emotions (thanks to my parents) are healthy and respond appropriately and freely.I should be normal about the value of being liked given that background you'd think.

However to like is different... very different from love. To like someone is an intellectual process, where only factual information and actions generate response. It’s all about what have you DONE... and when it comes to doing, it may be possible (lol) that I go out of my way to do more that necessary.

So no... I was not surprised to find on the psyche tests, when it came to the subject of LIKE... I’m a mess.

Or maybe the tests were flawed?... ermmmm nah! Can’t get away with that one, these things have been around a while and seem to be pretty sound. Sigmund Freud’s Psychoanalysis techniques always takes one back to childhood... and not that I have ever read one word of his psycho-babble, but I suppose I should give his theory kudos as just about every one else does.

Anyone else out there a middle child? Apparently my desire to people please is all linked to that. Wonder if it’s the same for you?

Middle children are a constant frustration to the parenting process because of being too old for most things and too young for anything else. Because of this it is not unusual for a middle child to feel some what superfluous and constantly seek validation. A perfect nuclear family should consist of just two children, one older with the privileges of age and experience and one younger with the privileges of indulgence. A middle child is neither of these and seldom keeps a secure footing in either camp. I guess I was no different from this experience.

The end result is that middle children grow up with what the Yanks call ‘Imposter Syndrome’. Basically, this means that you learn to emulate the behaviour that will give you the most external pats on the head... one minute responsible and authoritative like the older child, the next cute and dependant like the younger. Of course as you are neither, you believe yourself to be an imposter about to be unmasked at any moment.

This makes for an adult who is convinced they are continually flying by the seat of their pants, not really worthy of their position. Middle children are the ones you find working extra hours in the office or not taking their full annual leave allowance. They are convinced that if they stay away from work, someone will realise they are not really needed at all. Middle children tend to be uber bubbly, uber crowd pleasing and uber confident. But it is all part of the act. There is no confidence behind the noise... it is a smoke screen. A truly confident person will go in to bat to protect their status. However a middle child will accept defeat quietly... they were expecting it from day one.... after all they were waiting for the imposter to be unmasked all along.

The funny thing is that it takes a lot of cerebral activity to be able to pull off Imposter Syndrome with any degree of success. As a consequence middle children are usually way above average intelligence. How this pans out however (unlike their older and younger siblings) is entirely down to how this intelligence is nurtured. Seeing that the only motivation for mimicking sibling behaviour is to gain validation – the middle child will develop their academic achievements only if high praise is received. If this child is praised wholeheartedly whether she gets an A or an E...she will find and E as equally acceptable as an A and return E grades every time! If you wish a middle child to succeed slam them for anything below an A-.... or set yourself up for a school career of mediocre performances. But as most parents lavish praise on top grades this side effect is a rare one.

Most middle children, myself included, do very well at school and tend to go on to score some impressive workplace victories. However, no matter how much external proof of her abilities – academic qualifications, job promotions, even salary hikes - you will find a middle child will (long after leaving the parental home) put down success to luck, or timing, or contacts or anything other than her own abilities and perseverance. Middle children believe themselves to be imposters of genuinely successful people and live in fear of being discovered, so they always go the extra mile to be thought of fondly.

Errrrmmmm... okay Sigmund I suppose you have a point. Anyone else find that scarily accurate?

It is rather un British to go probing about into understanding our actions. It seemed so much easier back in the days when we were allowed to wander about repressed as you like, chatting to each other about the weather.

It seems those days are gone.

Psychometrics are with us for good now, every organisation from the girl guides to government are probing about analysing what it is that makes us do what we do.
Turns out I do what I do, not for power or love or a bucket full of coins... but to make people think fondly of me.

It was illuminating to see a computer spit out sheets of paper telling me what I knew already – I like to be liked, I court being liked, and compared to most people...I go out of my way to not make demands.

Of course the general wisdom is that furnished with this information I should maybe tweak my personality. But I won’t... I may have a warped grasp of the value of being liked, but I have a clear understanding of Love... and I love being me...so I'll just have to try not to be a visa bride but carry on as I always have! If courting being liked is my quirk... then it’s no bad thing in my view... after all far better to be remembered fondly than not. I like being liked.

Besides....I do recall a tale of someone who tried to change from caring about being liked... with dire consequences!

This guy always went the extra mile to make his wife think fondly of him. One night he met up with a friend who said to him that he really needed to change and become more assertive with his wife. This friend thought that courting your own wife’s good opinion was silly “Hell you married her, she knows you love her and she loves you why do you need to be liked by her?” he said. “You need to be more assertive”.

To help he gave him a self help book. “I used to be like you then this book saved my life, stopped me caring about what other people thought of me. Read it. Do what it says. And I swear you will see a big change in your relationship with your wife”. So he gave the guy the book, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

Inspired he stormed into the house and squared up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


"The funeral director?" asked his wife.












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