"The death may be the pain that no one can heal but the love will always be the memory no one can steal" Joyce Hall, Founder of Hallmark Cards
One of the last things he said to me was
"Jax, you have to start writing again"
I have not written for months.
Well that is not entirely true, I write for a living. I write things other people want me to write and in return I get paid. But my true writing my creative stuff, well I stopped.
Life had blocked me. Bad things had happened. Each thing as big as a juggernaut. Juggernaut after juggernaut until the creative path was blocked by the tangled wreckages.
There's an irony somewhere that it was the stuff of life that blocked me.
Funny how it was a death that returned me to the keyboard.
"Jax, you have to start writing again"
So here I am writing again.
He wasn't a great fan of me pouring thoughts into a computer. He was an advocate of pen and paper. Old School. The way I began. After all I wrote my entire novel longhand.He like that.
"Jax, you have to start writing again"
I tried to go back to that way. Old School. I even bought a fancy journal, but the journal remains in the bag on the floor of my bedroom.
Life and the tangled mess of juggernaut after juggernaut.
But then this evening I got the news that changed my life forever.
And the tangled mess of wreckage that blocked my creative path seems to not be there.
Just his voice.
"Jax, you have to start writing again".
So here I am.
At stupid oclock.
Once again almost doing as he asked... even in this I can't do it exactly as told. Even as my brain processes that I shall never see, or hear, or touch or smell, or argue, or make up, or badly iron his shirt...ever again. I still can't do exactly as I am asked.
The journal remains in the bag.
When the phone rang I knew the news would not be what I wanted to hear.
But I tried to bargain.
It's funny the deals you do with God when you have something you never want to lose. It's dumb really as why on earth do we think we can influence a deity! You can't get the big picture boss to shift everything so you may have your small picture happiness.
I can't be angry with any deity who factored into his plan that for a while was I so intensely happy.
The Southbank in a winter rainstorm. Every taxi full till finally a shared ride both soaking wet.
That first phone argument where it all began... I was saying goodbye even then but it turned out to be the beginning.
My jangling nerves when we met for the first time after that call...not the last of many firsts.
The journey from that night to this have more great moments than I've had in a lifetime.
There is nothing I can look back on with regret or sadness. I was so happy.
The changes in me were so huge. Not just the fact he made me love cut flowers and New Years Eve when before I hated them so. Everything changed. My friends and family floored by the fact that I, solo independent Jax, was bringing them someone to meet. I started hankering for marriage - an institution I have never had the time of day for. I wanted to shout from the rooftops what we had. I wanted every corner of my life to see with their own eyes what had happened to me. And they liked the change. They thought I deserved to be happy and he fitted in so seemlessly. We were together more often than not from start to finish.
It was all consuming and maybe it had to be because it was all there was ever going to be.
My fingers typed that and still my brain does not process what that means.
My hands took his belongings and boxed them up and sent them to his mothers house. But my brain has not processed that he cannot phone to tell me what I forget to put in the box.
I found his scarf hanging on my door "Scarfy"… lol... a grown man giving a scarf a name! I figured "oh well he'll collect it." But of course he can't.
Come on brain catch up!
This is gonna be hard.I'm not kidding myself that this will be easy.
Finality is brutal.
But I can do this. I can celebrate my birthday tomorrow. And I will celebrate Christmas. And I will raise a glass on New Years Eve. Because I am not dead. I am alive still. I've lost only the love of my life not my life. I will do this.
And I will write baby.I promise you .
I wish it hadn't taken this, but
Jax... has started writing again.
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