BLOG 270 - Day 24

"When grieving it's often easier to have an intellectual understanding of the death (the loved one is physically gone) than an emotional understanding (the loved one is not coming back)." 

Sharon 0'Brien  

I've spent the last few weeks trying to come to terms with the great big sink hole that my heart disappeared into and am failing abysmally.This sinkhole feeling has become a constant. The intense longing and yearning to turn back time, the intrusive thoughts and images of him that interrupt even the most banal and menial of daily tasks, the extreme anger and bitterness over the death, and the overriding feeling that everything I've done since December 5th is so empty and ultimately meaningless is quite frankly doing my head in. 

I've carried on as normal, looking after my family, going to work, celebrating my birthday and Christmas, seeing friends... and all the time having this nasty bile feeling in my throat and stomach. 

Weirdly - The more I engage with life, the further away from it I feel.  There is a huge disconnect going on.

.  

I haven't given the grief a time table but I know as each day passes, there should be tiny progressions towards my acceptance of the death. And yet there is none - the nasty bile that has caused a sinkhole in my core seems to be with me every step of the way. And as a consequence nothing seems real - including myself. 

This is not why I booked off all these vacation days. I didn't book them to stare at photos or attend functions and gatherings alone. This was booked off to be our time. But now its mine. And mine alone.

Everything reminds me of him. Everything seems less because of the lack of him. 

Although I am sure that on a practical level I do accept the reality that he is gone. I also know that if he could rise from the dead and appear to me I'd be seriously freaked out. I know he cannot come back.

BUT I can't unlearn what it is to have a soul mate. That person who is your first thought when you arise and your last when you sleep. That person you willingly offer everything to for validation. I just can't unlearn those behaviours. I keep turning my head to comment on things to him, or watching the door thinking he's gonna walk right through it . If I have checked my phone once I've checked it a thousand times. 

I went to dinner at friends last night. As we settled around the dining table eating great food, drinking fine wine and sharing sparkling conversation - all I could think was - He would just love this. For a moment I struggled to remember why he was not there - I actually wondered what time he'd finish working and nearly asked the hostess to keep him a warm plate. I caught myself in time of course but in doing so I felt a little more of me disappear into the sink hole. 

And yet I managed to function. I think I fulfilled the role of the good guest.

It's a double aged sword this ability to keep on keeping on. I simultaneously feel proud and disgusted with myself for being able to do so.  

I know I have a life to live and it is all in front of me and yet what I really want is time machine. I want to rewind a couple of months, before the  illness, before this desperately awful reality. I want to go back to then and stay there. Fact is; I don't even remotely want now. 

And yet I am painfully aware that I am so fortunate with the life I lead.  I have marvelous friends and we really do wring the joy of fellowship out of life, we have great experiences.I know I have this life (which I had before him) to settle back into. And yet suddenly it all seems meaningless - I desperately want to share it with him and finality of not being able to do so makes the loss all that more acute. But worse it makes the life I lead seem so inconsequential. 

Everything reminds me of him. Everything seems less because of the lack of him. 

I've lost people before and am very aware that you should allow yourself to  feel the pain. I am well aware that denying the pain of grieving can lead to physical symptoms and can also prolong the grieving process. And yet this huge sinkhole that has developed inside me seems to be immune to normal methods. 

Crying doesn't help at all. Which is odd. I always was a supporter of the idea of crying as catharsis. But weeping doesn't help, usually tears lower the manganese level and removes some of the chemicals built up in the body from stress, like the endorphins leucine-enkaphalin and prolactin. But even my biology is letting me down as all that seems to happen is that my face gets wet and I continue to be the woman with a sink-hole core. 

Knowledge has always been my friend. I need to understand processes so I may set my expectations. One would imagine grief counselling would be great for someone like me.  However, counselors are a little quick to dispense labels hey presto!:I'm suffering from 'coping ugly' which explains why I can function apparently normally while simultaneously being unable to think of anything other than my loss. Hey ho! they were just as fast with the judgments, good and bad. Apparently writing this all down is a good thing - text book of exactly what I should be doing. Not so text book is my continued numbness and emotional disconnect from my life - exactly what I should not be feeling these many weeks on. 

Actually - that's not exactly what was said - Disconnect bad but I've been given a hall pass on this due to the prevalence of the grief triggers of birthdays and Christmas. Amusingly the counselor was keen to warn me away from using any 'props' to get through this period of inevitable vulnerability. This is just something one must 'power through' cold turkey.

I found that amusing as alcohol had already quickly became my constant companion. Go back 25+ days and I know that if I were drinking on this scale, my words would slur, my gait would swerve, and I surely would have to have my hair held back while I puked! 

Fast forward to now and I'm coherent, sure-footed and the only unsettling thing in the stomach is the sinkhole feeling which quite frankly the alcohol numbs slightly. I guess I was hoping alcohol would provide oblivion - but it doesn't, all those warnings about it masking grief symptoms proved unfounded. BUT I am grateful for its ability to take the edge of though. However this pre-booked annual leave ends in just over a week, and I doubt the aroma of distillery products would be a wise accessory to take into the work place. And I know despite the ease of giving up drinking as I am currently -  I will be recruiting another prop despite the counselors advice. 

Because to be blunt - dealing with this loss is much much harder than I thought. 

It's just that everything reminds me of him and everything seems less because of the lack of him. 

That included my reflection. I'd look in the mirror and see that girl. The one who is laughing with him in all those photographs. It comes to something when the very sight of your ownself is not something you own. So I chopped of my hair and styled it dramatically so that on first glance that girl isn't looking back at me. Unfortunately I can still see her eyes - though they look sadder than they did in all those photos with him.

Quite literally, everything reminds me of him and everything seems less because of the lack of him. 

It doesn't let up really. 

I know there is no time table for these things. Twenty five days is nothing.  Twenty five years and the sadness of losing a loved one doesn't go completely .It’s normal to feel sad, numb, or angry following a loss. However  I was expecting a roller coaster - a mix of good days and bad days and a wide variety of emotions. I was hoping to be able to track as time passes the emotions becoming less intense and that I would actually start to accept the loss and start to move forward.  

But so far... this hasn't happened. I'm living with a sink hole inside of me and I need to know when this will start progressing to some kind of relief. 

But I'm impatient. 

It's early days I know. 

I guess this one is in the hands of the Time Gods. 

 

The JaxWorld Blog can be followed on Twitter-@JaxWorldBlog      

Or you can join almost 10,000 fans of The JaxWorld Blog on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/The.JaxWorld.Blog      

Thanks for continuing to vote for JaxWorld as the Best Blog about Stuff and for ALL your support that has made this blog such a huge success