BLOG 196: Broadening Horizons

“Writing and travel broaden your ass if not your mind” Ernest Hemingway

I’m back! I put a little distance between me and my keyboard this week (about 1012 miles) and I will explain all the how’s and why’s in a moment, BUT... I had to tell you... I actually LEARNED something!! I have spent days, being just one of the guys (for reason I will explain) and I think I’ve cracked it as to why it is guys are sooooo much better than girls at having stress free relationships with each other.

• · Men like to keep things simple and focus on outcomes rather than analysis.
• · Good natured ribbing is an essential part of a healthy male relationship.
• · Guys never let petty disputes come between friends.
• · True loyalty is the essence of any good male friendship.

Basically... I became part of a party who got away from the day to day by taking off to Poland. Some of my girlie friends and about a dozen firemen of our acquaintance plus of course me, decided that we’d cure the winter blues by flying east for a few days.

Okay Poland not one of Europe’s famed winter hot spots ... [23ºC in the Canaries this weekend]... but in comparison to Blighty it had promise – sunny clear skies and not a rain drop to be had till the plane touched down in Stansted. Besides...you just have to hand it to the Polish Tourist Board. Given its easterly location, distinct lack of obvious attractions and chequered recent history, they do a great job romancing people to wander inside their borders. “Discover its rich and fascinating history, and the events which changed the shape of Europe in both ancient and modern times. Get to know acclaimed contemporary Polish artists, go crazy in clubs, and taste delicious dishes representing Polish cuisine. Follow the pure joy of a great adventure!” It proclaims. We chose to locate our ‘great adventure’ in the southerly city of Krakow – famed for being the former royal capital and being home to priceless historical monuments of culture and art. Not that any of that mattered as the plan was always to spend the majority of our trip being artistically cultured in ways of the city’s clubs, cafes, bars, wine cellars and restaurants.

Now the dynamics of our group raised more than a couple of eyebrows evenbefore we set off. We were not an even split in any category you wish to pull for inspection, but the obvious being we were couple free, and decidedly top heavy in male to female ratio. Then there were all sorts of odd dynamics, such as people who had never travelled with each other before, people who had never even met before, people who knew each other only too well and people who wished they never knew each other at all. It’s an ambitious thing to get any party of 16 to be anywhere at the same time, but given our dynamics it was quite an achievement that it happened at all.

But happen it did.

Any regular reader of JaxWorld would know that I really struggle with female to female relationships. Nothing in the world is stronger or more flimsy than the relationships between women. I find that women expect me to be a reflection of THEIR values to a tee, and while that works for them I am in the fold, but the moment that reflection is slightly transgressed I can find myself out in the cold and under a fatwa NEVER to bespoken to again. This is why trips such as this with the firemen suit me to the ground. The very fact that these trips are usually top heavy in the male to female ratio me and I can escape the slings and arrows of the female arena.

The dynamics of this particular trip suited me even better than prior ones, being that as this time there were only five girls and four of those were besties. Given that hotel rooms usually are designed to accommodate two people, and our party split evenly into eight rooms, I was billeted to bunk with one of the lads.

Now there it goes... that eyebrow again. (Yep I saw you!) I know! I know! Room arrangements involving males and females seem to have an unwritten rule - unrelated or unmarried or unintimate men and women should NOT be billeted together. If this rule is broken...then questions WILL and must be asked and of course eyebrows WILL and must be raised.

To be honest ... the raised eyebrow is something I find more palatable than a ‘cot-bed’ pushed into a double room with the ‘girls’ for the sake of decency. The other girls were very close with each other; it made sense for them to share. Me... I’d rather bunk with a guy than be the cuckoo in the nest of a couple of besties. I don’t do the besties thing. I find female friendships... the intimacy that comes naturally to most women, all that talking, crying, sharing secrets together... is sooo not my bag. I have girls that are friends, sure... but I don’t bear my soul (none of my girl friends could give you a complete and accurate picture of what is going on with me as I limit information as a reflex). I’d rather just do stuff along side people. Men are all about doing stuff, they don't sit around sharing their deepest feelings, they save their energies for geting the beers in.

Which is what we went to Krakow for.

Driving through the dismal rain from Stansted back home I asked the girls to rate the trip out of ten. Eleven was the score. We started chatting about our favourite moments and some of the events that had occurred. And that’s when it dawned on me... I wasn’t on the same trip as them. Yep we were in the same hotel, the same bars, the same clubs and the same restaurants. We had stories involving the same people... and we certainly were on the same flights. However the room allocation did have a marked effect on the way my short break to Poland played out.

The difference started early on... we flew on a low budget airline. This meant our seats we not pre-allocated. This meant in the scrum to ‘just find somewhere to sit down’... I was looking for one seat...the bestie girls were looking for two. Therefore while the other girls sat in duos, I sat alone both flying out and flying home. Then the room allocation really kicked in. Without a female room mate, I did not have the extended female ritual of getting ready... my roomie would shower change and leave the room with a “see ya in the bar”. This meant that I had an accelerated ablutions programme resulting in my launch pad to group activities was via the bar with the lads. Thirdly, I was consultation free for the trip. As my roomie was a guy tenuously linked to me, the necessity to give constant updates of my movements was negated. I could return to my room at will and so did not have to leave or return to base with the girls. Therefore while the other girls experience was coloured by opportunities used for self disclosure and emotional expressiveness with each other ... Mine was coloured by being focused on activity based companionship with the larger party.

Nothing was more truer a reflection of this than the last night, walking back to the hotel from a nightclub.

You could clearly see that girls have a community responsibility and do by reflex things that even the best of male friends usually won’t do for each other. Worse for wear for drink is a polite way of describing most of the party... if a girl stumbled or fell, the others would stop and assist... hence their very slow progress... and why I ended up so far ahead. On arrival at the hotel, the mutual nurturing continued as the girls assisted each other in ensuring no injuries were sustained and that they were rested for the early start as we were flying home the next morning.

Which meant all the girls missed out completely on the party going on my room.

This was because walking with the guys only involved stopping to laugh at each other; if one fell it was entirely down to him to catch the party up. On arrival at the hotel, those worse for wear saluted the others on the way to their pits. Those still standing focused on working out who had the biggest room, the most alcohol and mixers... and moved the party there. We stayed up all night talking, drinking and doing dares, then caught a few zeds before our flight where we fell.

However, being an honorary guy does not mean you get privy to more information... for all the talking that was done while we were away. I was surprised to discover that despite the fact that over the trip the other girls had spent proportionately less time with the guys than I did, they’d uncovered loads of information that as an honorary guy never even passed my way. One of the guys’s had problems at work. Another was paying out a fortune for his daughter’s dream wedding. A third man had health problems. Interesting not one of those issues came up when I was hanging with the lads doing guy stuff.... probably just as well, as if I had been approached with the back story to any of this stuff I would have responded “Jeez mate! That’s terrible... Wanna try the Belvedere or Chopin vodka next?”

One of the girls asked me at the airport, what on earth we were all talking about in my room all night? Well... sad to say we did not leave the shallow end of the swimming pool... that is to say we were reassuredly NOT deep at all! There were endless jokes about each other, a ridiculous amount of sex talk... who does what/ fantasy talk most as they couldn’t let the other guy get one up on them (funny how that was implicitly understood), a little probing of me to get a woman’s perspective (are girls really more reserved or are they just more discreet or just great liars), but mainly it was ribbing each other, talking /comparing body functions and body parts and talking about women. It was light hearted, immensely silly, and a very companionable way to end a great trip.

I may well have missed out on the fluffy stuff by not getting to the bottom of the issues they chose to mention only to the ‘proper girls’... but I did really enjoy being the only source of oestrogen left in testosterone land. While female friendships are pretty complex, male friendships are simple relationships, fuelled by the virtues of acceptance and loyalty. This ain’t news - these two things have remained the same guiding principles in man friendships throughout time.

I noticed was that the other girls had a completely different take on why the lads did certain things. They took some of the misbehaviour demonstrated by the guys as deeply immature and childish. I suppose from a female perspective it is hard to understand why men chose to express their strong bonds in such different and fairly odd ways.

I was privy to the closest of friends greeting each other with insults, and then announcing to the group that he did something terrible (sexual) to his friend’s mother, to which his friend reciprocated in kind. Obviously if passing acquaintance had said those things it would be no laughing matter, but insulting each other in an amusing (albeit childish) way is the acceptable way of showing the bonds they have with each other in testosterone land. From what I could make out from a male view; their mates have their back, and they have his. Their mates help define them, and they accept them unconditionally. “He’s my mate!” the guy who just was insulted by his friend said “He can call me anything!”

If that level of acceptance is befuddling to women, the relationship guys have with loyalty is even more so. To a man, loyalty means everything. To the guys loyalty is about putting in the time, about doing stuff together and about supporting each other in a conflict.

Conflict is dealt with in an uncomplicated way... if there is a departure from the code they just blurt it out. “Oi... have I upset you Mate , cause I can feel a bit of tension”. I can’t imagine that dialogue going down to well female to female, but I reckon guys generally just ain’t wired to keep burning angst bottled up inside, waiting to explode like women do. They discuss it, sometimes heatedly, and then move on.

To the guys, loyalty means you stick with your people, you don’t let any member of the ‘herd’ feel they don’t belong or are intruding. It's not easy to get in but once they are in, they are in for life, so they couldn’t quite understand why I was reticent to go knock on the doors of the two sets of besties rooms. Given there was no actual tension going on between me and the other girls, they found it odd that I was “cut adrift” so often during the trip and felt obliged to adopt me. In a male scenario apparently you go out as a unit, keep the unit together, and return as a unit.

This could be seen at Stansted when we got home. British airports are not designed to keep a group of 16 together. We all got split up by the various lifts, stairs, travelators and gateways. The girls got through customs and each pair of besties waited for the individuals in their duo... in two completely different places. I came through alone and went to say goodbye to the first set (who told me to ring them if I couldn’t find the second set). This was something I wouldn’t do and I told the first set that if I couldn’t find the second set I’d just jump on the train home. One of the lads overheard and insisted on getting me in on their arrangements but once we ‘d walked out of arrivals the second set of best mates were there waiting for me... bless. In the car park, the first set of besties bibbed us as they drove past. We waved and smiled as girlies do and hurried into our car out the rain. We’ll probably all meet up for coffee in the week... or a drink by end of month for sure.

By contrast... the lads ALL waited for each other at arrivals. Only when the whole unit was back together having completed the task of getting to the UK, did they move onto the next task of getting to their individual homes. The haphazard method we women employed to our group (smaller than half the size of theirs) was met with derision. It’s an absolute rule that men do not leave their friends hanging.

Over the time away I learnt that means always having your friend’s back, even if he’s about to do something criminally stupid. They aren’t each others critics, or mentors or parents. They are each others support – they are truly there for each other, Because, ultimately, that’s what friendship comes down to for men.

To the lads of the London Fire Brigade I would like to say thank you for a wicked short break – but above all thanks for the lesson. I know you think I yapp too much, drink too much and am way too crazy to have paid attention... but I did. And I now know for sure that what might seem like an impossible task to do alone, whether putting out fires in London or stopping a food fight in a restaurant in Krakow, becomes a hell of a lot easier when you have a good friend by your side.

You should know...“mam wielki czas w Polsce!”... Thanks!

The JaxWorld Blog can be followed on Twitter- @JaxWorldBlog

If you enjoyed this blog and you want to contact Jax or find out more about the JaxWorld blog, pls log onto: http://thejaxworldblog.vpweb.co.uk/

Thanks for continuing to vote for JaxWorld as the Best Blog about Stuff and for ALL your support that has made this blog such a huge success