BLOG 190: Atonement

“I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would do something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?” Catherine O'Hara

It’s a strange thing but the human condition is wired to seek atonement after it’s had a ruddy good time.

We just can’t seem to let the good times roll... and then roll some more... or at least my friends can’t.

By all reports the festive season was a good one for practically everyone I’ve come across in recent weeks. There was eating. There was drinking. There was a heck of a lot of making merry.

Quite simply the teachings of the ancient Egyptians seemed more paramount tin December more so than any of the Christian faith: Follow your desire as long as you shall live. Fulfill your needs upon earth after the command of your heart.

Clever people those ancient Egyptians... they knew how to write a design for life 4500 years ago! And my mates bought it hook line and sinker and to be honest December 1^st to January 2^nd we were pretty much the dictionary definition of hedonists.

Many of us followed our hearts desire by indulging in banquets rather than meals – nothing says following your hearts desire than filling your gob with what ever takes your fancy.. when ever you fancy. (I will say nothing here of a certain scooter riding chum and the pies... on wheels)

Of course a hearts desire could be reignited love affairs, which for many have been with beverages of an alcoholic nature and, as with all ignited passions, maybe loved a little to excess. Nothing follows the command of the heart like mulled wine/cider and the contents of the rum toft. (No mention of certain duo of girls fitting a mini-pub crawl into a fag break... at a party)

Others have sidelined the solitary rituals of the gymnasium for the company of fellow beings they had not shared fellowship with for most of last year. The wine bars, pubs and Clubs of London have borne witness to this phenomenon while the treadmills of the city gyms stood idle for 31 days. It seems nothing fulfils your needs than upping the anti with relationships that were once less intimate than friendship. (Sealed lips on The Weight Trainer December forgot who came back into the fold!...)

December is always a good place to be for most of us... we sate our hunger for food, for drink and for company. And if we go a little over the top... to heck with forbearance... in December hedonism reigns supreme, and we refuse regret as an option... it’s party time!

Then comes January.

I don’t know if it is because we have all run out of money... (Yes to be truly hedonistic it really helps to have unlimited resources of wonga) ... but suddenly everyone seems to be on a purge.

Yes... a ruddy good time was had by all BUT now all are seeking atonement.

Practically everyone is dieting... I cannot tell you how hard it has been to give away a box of luxury Belgian chocolates this week! And don’t start me on the frantic amount of detoxing that is going on...On Friday when I opened several bottles of wine and got the beers out, my dear friend T-Man (always a dead cert for a bottle of bud) sought comfort in a bottle of non alcoholic beer! BUT the most painful purge of all is the sudden desire of all and sundry to (as we say in England) “Stay indoors”. [Which for my non UK readers means quite simply – no one is leaving their own house.]

This pleasure then purge syndrome is everywhere... turn on the telly this time last month Marks and Spencer were smugly telling us (in their now legendary Food Porn voice)to have two puddings and this week the same voice is trying to sell us 'slimming' ready meals! Meanwhile cereal manufacturers are trying to convince us to buy loads of their product and trade a decent lunch or dinner for a repeat of breakfast...and ‘you WILL drop a dress size by February’.

It’s poppycock we all know it is poppycock... but we’ve had the pleasure of December and we MUST purge our way through January.

A friend of mine has dedicated herself to turning her body into a temple of fitness by joining the new Gymnasium that has just opened near me. She is serious about her purge - so much so that she has handed over a large chunk of her income to a personal trainer in this establishment. Her goal is that through regular attendance her December Abused Body will not only recover from the damage she may also gain a youthful glow and taught tummy. She told this to her trainer at her assessment and he admirably retorted “I'm not in this business to lie to you...There are lot of machines in this gym, but there are no time machines."

While the poppycock is there for all to see in the body-purges...The staying in thing has a sanctimonious air to it. It’s all so sensible saving money and enjoying ones own home... “staying in is the new going out” the purgees cry. Thus making this particular purge probably the most infuriating purge of all.

My mate is the doyenne of the dance floors of London. In his company we spent December clubbing it: jostling between drunken, over-grown rugby boys and shrieking home county cougars. We roared to each other over remixed, crappy mainstream pop and the noise that tries to label itself as R & B these days - and a great time was had by all. No one seemed to mind entry fees and cover charges in December but come January apparently we do. The announcement is made: Really, once you’ve been to one nightclub with a sticky floor, you may well have been to them all – so to save pennies he is not going out till February.

And it’s not just the wobbling around the handbags that has been purged... eating out has got the chop too. This time last month it meant nothing at all to any of us to pay £16 for a bottle of wine in a restaurant even though we knew we could have bought it for £6 at the supermarket. And you know why... what was important was to be OUT! However my group are currently like meerkats on alert for the M&S ‘dine in for £10’ offer (okay I concede it is a great deal esp. as it includes said £6 bottle of vino) BUT... really... is heating up a ready meal any substitute for restaurant ambiance? Apparently so... everyone is doing it... especially as ‘slimming’ ready meals mean you can double purge by saving money and calories all in one go!

It’s just all so ruddy depressing (yet so predictably English) that just as we were beginning to get really good at this hedonism malarkey... we’ve snatched defeat from the jaws of glory. We’ve been eaten up by guilt (and poverty) and are purging the good times out of our systems.

Which is why it has come to pass that my entire inner circle are on diets, giving up drinking, going to the gym and staying indoors to warm up “not just fud -it's mharks and spehenser fud”.

Small grain of comfort is I know they can’t keep it up for ever – and none of them said they would. The thing about January is that it’s five long weeks and that is about as much of forever as they could commit to. After all it’s only day 10 but I’ve already seen cracks appearing ( No, I shall not mention who today was seen sniffing a bottle of Vodka). As worthy as it may be to purge... it’s no fun what so ever and who wants to live without even a little of what you fancy?

Those ancient Egyptians laid out the rules 4500 years ago... Follow your desire as long as you shall live. Good news is my mates all desired to be good for January only to which I have just four words:

Oh HURRY UP February!

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