BLOG 106: 2010 Cannes of worms!

"I believe those ladies are so thin that they could hula hoop with a ‘cheerio’!” Chef Andy, Celebrity Chef.

FRIDAY

I haven't even unpacked yet and I have spent most of my time here looking at semi naked girls! If I were an adolescent boy I'd probably think I have died and gone to heaven... BUT given that I'm your run of the mill bog standard body hang-up laden female I'm not quite feeling the heaven vibe!

True... the south of France is as pretty close to heaven as you can get. Palm Trees, Yachts, Glamour and the Eden Roc hotel...to name but a few! But come film festival time... this place gets crazy!

This afternoon there were some gals dressed as Zombies on the beach and I have no words for the starlet who just went up the red carpet in nothing but a net curtain a few red patches and a silver handbag. (Well I do... "wonderful handbag lovey and I hope your film is a huge success so you can go and buy some clothes.")

I have a feeling this is gonna be a long….. looooooooooong weekend!

This time of year the sparkling Riviera is two days into its biggest event of the year, the film festival is the ultimate gathering of A-list celebrities and affluent jet-setters... but don’t worry Jax has not turned into one of those freeloaders who are just here to get a photo with the stars (though frankly I haven't seen ANY)… I’m strictly hanging with the back room boys!

I'm here trailing around after Chef Andy as he prepares favourite family recipes, pot luck dinners, cocktail gatherings, in-home entertaining, wine tastings, backyard parties for the corporations who have rented villas for this busy period. It appears that for the cost of eating out (and lets face facts you couldn't get a table in any Cannes restaurant till June) you can get a chef to prepare comfort food to vegans, Zone or Atkins food for dieters, raw food for faddy eaters , ethnic specialities for pretentious, and anything the mind could conjure up!

Thing is having spent most of the day plugging their movies or whatever ancillary services to the industry they are flogging no one seems to eat till late. And believe me even though everyone is stick thin, they are very very fussy about catering at their get togethers here.

When I throw a get together most people are delighted with the best of “Iceland” for nibbles and a bi plate of something hot later, as long as the beer is flowing and the music is pumping… most people are happy.

Must remind myself that when I become rich I better stay in touch with my old poor friends as the people throwing the party Chef Andy is working tonight have slightly grander ideas.

I do feel for Chef Andy and practically everyone he is cooking for seems to view food as the enemy... "omelette no eggs" sort of people. Like I said these people (esp the women) are so thin you could floss your teeth with then, so these people sure don’t worship at the alter of belly fillers.

And yet none of them can think of a way to seal the deal or socialise without involving food....Isn't it amazing how large a part food plays with people who don't seem to enjoy it?

The guy Chef Andy is working for tonight has rented a villa 15 minutes away from the Palais De Festival, the venue for many high-profile events in Cannes.

Now this place has WOW factor! It occupies a stunning position in the foot hills of the Alps Maritime. A sun trap all day during the summer months, the villa has prominent views towards the mountains. Plus the Villa overlooks the famous 18 hole Mandelieu Golf course - access to the club is literally 5 minutes away, as are fabulous walks into the foot hills of the lower slopes and up to various lakes and the Var. And it’s a snip at a few million £sterling!

The guy that owns it as let us slobs have a wander about before we are locked in the kitchen for ever more! The place (which is traditionally French on the outside) has been beautifully modernised in a stylish contemporary design. I reckon the place sleeps 12 but to be honest I kept losing count of bedrooms and ensuites.

But I did note you could watch telly in the bath in all the bathrooms… 2 tellies… one is hung from the wall either end of the bath. I liked that! Mind you I suppose the business types who rent this gaff for a mere £15,000 per week need the WiFi that is available through out the property along with SKY television. But it can’t be just slobs like me that like the idea of entertainment in the bath! Why else would they make a DVD and CD library available for guests during their stay.

Talking of getting wet the swimming pool is a large Ozone pool with stunning views of the surrounding landscape.

But no chance of finding a Mellors the gardener striding the grounds, bare chested and tipping his watering can. The gardens are all self-watering but I suppose you could enjoy the areas for games and relaxation in hammocks under the trees in other ways.

Not that I’m going anywhere but the kitchen tonight! However if you have to be trapped in a room, it’s not a bad one. No leaky French plumbing and entertaining electricals to deal with though… this kitchen includes all modern appliances including an American fridge freezer, microwave, dishwasher, purified drinking water /ice maker and one of those taps that mean you don’t need a kettle!

Chef Andy is creating a little mobile feast for a small gathering which will assemble here tonight for 150 of the international film industries finest. His brief is to create fish, vegetables, fruit, desserts, and cheese in a mobile format that none of the guests would have experienced before. Oh incidentally he must also create 2 x mobile appetiser experiences again not one of the 150 guests must have had it before. And yes… he has a huge list of ‘enemy foods’.

It makes me wonder why ANYONE would want to be a chef… especially when catering to and for the rich and famous.

I soon found out why… it’s to have a front row ticket to watching money burn!!! Andy’s team have managed to cater some of the most lavish events in recent years.

In 2007 a British retail tycoon treated 100 of his closest friends to a surprise flight to the Maldives for his 55th birthday. The invitation reportedly instructed friends to "pack your shorts and be prepared for a long-haul flight." This birthday treat featured 3,000 bottles of champagne, dancers from around the world and an impressive fireworks display to cap off the soiree… oh and they had a nibble or two prepared to order morning, noon and night over the five days too!

Then there was a 60^th birthday for a private equity maven who wanted the food to come out at a leisurely pace food so he hired an A list Hollywood comedian to entertain guests between courses at the cost of £3.5 million.

Then there was the Russian banking magnate who also enjoys indulging in expensive entertainment. This guy paid not one, not two but three headline Diva’s (yes, you have all three in your collection) to sing while he and his wife had dinner! No one could quite remember how much that cost!

But there was one they all knew of by heart. At this event Chef Andy was just one of a legion of top chefs… on this night there was one chef for every 4 guests! It was for a hotel in Dubai’s launch party and the owner spent £10 million. Guests of the event dined on nearly two tons of lobster and the event also included a £1.5 million fireworks display that involved thousands of skyrockets launched from an array of 700 launching pads.

So… tonight’s affair (though probably the most red carpet thing I’ve ever been in the backroom of) is small fry to Chef Andy and the team.

I’ll just do what I came for… stay out the way and watch and learn.

SATURDAY

Well I’ve just negotiated Cannes gridlock. We were stuck behind a Porsche, Ferrari and Lamborghini which were misguidedly parked on a narrow street.

It’s another world. Gridlock where I come from always involves a Ford Focus, a Citroën Picasso and a clapped out Datsun Cherry.

Hey ho.

Last night Chef Andy did his thing and we got what we needed for the food magazine.

I stuck my head out a couple of times and was amazed with the ordinariness of the atmosphere of the soiree. Considering that these people represented the global dream and aspiration factory that is moviedom… it kind of felt like a do at a conference.

Mind you… no conference I’ve ever been to has people wandering about nibbling cheese (as “NEVER SEEN BEFORE!”) who also hang on every teenage girls wall. Nor has any conference I’ve ever been to had a famous heiress running about in chiffon trying to play hostess. I hasten to add that it was NOT her home, nor her rental and I think she may have been on something!

Tell you what… I have NEVER seen so much good food thrown away! And good booze! Barely touched bottles of champagne just being scrapped everywhere in the early hours of this morning! It seems so wrong that all that excess can’t go to a welcoming home, but I suppose the French Carers Association would not be too interested in my tip about putting a spoon in flat champagne. I suppose it wouldn’t be perceived as wise to be doling out bottles of Louis Roederer Cristal to the homeless. But I think it’d be quite a nice thing to do… they’d probably love it with some of last night’s salmon and caviar wraps. But maybe that is just me.

Any how… we’ve made it down to the iconic La Croisette. This waterfront avenue of Cannes is littered with paparazzi trying to catch a glimpse of the rich and the famous. We got quite excited when we snapped a blonde down by the waterfront restaurants… was it Jennifer A? or Kate B? or Cate B?... no idea. She had her head at an angle so now we are not so sure. I don’t think I’d eat for long if I earnt my living as a paparazzi.

This experience is just so bizarre. I’ve been sent to France by a cookery magazine to examine celebrity food close up… I’ve spent the night in a kitchen with a chef looking at fabulous food being prepared and caught sight of celebrities holding food, I’ve spent the morning throwing away fabulous food, and I’ve fought my way down from the hills to the seafront which is adorned with wonderful restaurants to watch a maybe-celebrity walk past wonderful food. It seems bizarre but I hadn’t actually eaten anything and I was HUNGRY!!!

It’s FRANCE for goodness sake… if you are not eating in France there is something seriously WRONG with you.

There was nothing for it…. We needed the BEST food and quick! But its Cannes Festival fortnight… you can’t just get a table anywhere! Even McDonalds is booked up for the duration!

Luckily the photographer has a sister working at a fab hotel in Antibes. OMG!!! I can’t tell you how good the food is there. If you are EVER in Antibes… Eden Roc is the way to go. Funny thing is that while we were chowing down there were loads of celebrities we DID recognise all around us… and with their heads at recognisable angles.

But to be honest by then the only way I’d be picking up my camera would be if it (like my strawberries) were covered in chocolate.

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