JAX WORLD: BLOG 276 - Crazy Horse

"Nake nula wauŋ welo!" Lakota Sioux leader [1840-1877] Crazy Horse

(Rough English Translation: Today is a good day to die)

Sometimes I wonder about my issues.

Now, unless you've ever been hopelessly depressed you may not find this a suitable topic for humour, but life is surprisingly funny even in it's darkest moments, so please bear with me. Basically, my therapist and I were discussing my last suicide attempt and why it was ultimately unsuccessful.

[Picture the scene... a deeply concerned mental health professional rooting around in her deeply depressed and overwhelmed with life clients head. Her client had released a lethal dose of alpha and beta blockers with full intent to end it all since the last session. The therapist then sits, mouth agape as she discovers the reason why her client is still alive.]

Now if you can believe it... the reason was not that I was suddenly filled with the joy of living... it was that I was so busy rearranging the house to look 'just so' when my body was found.... that I ran out of time to take the overdose.

By the time the laundry was done, the cat was fed, I'd ensured my knicker drawer had the best ones at the top, my most fab shoes were in the shoe rack and that the fridge had fresh milk.... next door had popped round to chat. It seemed rude to swallow 450 pills while you're making a neighbour a cup of tea, so I just didn't get to do it that day.

And it was, up till then, the perfect day for a suicide. I'd asked a trusted friend for a small favour to help my current desperate circumstances and she refused then asked me to her a favour in the same area instead. (This happens A LOT: "sorry I do not want to help you Jax but look I really need you to do "this" for ME...wow thanks you're a hero! - love you loads!!"). And of course my desperate circumstances were ever present with the whole bereavement /home / job combo highlighted muchly by insensitive actions in all three camps. It was a good day to say ' to hell with the lot it ' and fall asleep with enough toxins to ensure that life was no longer a concern.

But I was concerned about set dressing (and where to leave the passwords to my social media accounts) and quite literally I lost the window on that opportunity to die.

My therapist was lost for words.

But I must say, having a therapist helping me through this dire circumstance I find myself in has been overall a great experience. Of course I am still a suicide risk but she's been great at pointing out that yes dire circumstances plague me but also do some extraordinarily good ones.With some nifty road mapping it has become clear that I've had more comebacks than Frank Sinatra, remade myself more often than Madonna and risen from the ashes so many times I should have been called Phoenix. I think they've called last curtain on me more often than The London Palladium.

To the uninitiated this phoenix rising stuff can often gets mistaken for strength but its not. It's a combo of luck, geography and friends and family who are quality at cheerleading if not practical support. However, it's not normal to live your life like this. I want the ordinary world. I cannot and will not continue on this roller coaster.I want normal. I doubt if I have another comeback in me.

At the moment I am being propped up by an amazing supporting cast of friends and family. My Therapist does what she can, and to be fair she's made great progress... I am not attempting to die on such a regular basis now. Little tiny chinks of hope appear from time to time, I can almost see them and my cheerleaders and therapist are at great pains to ensure I focus on these whisps. Keep this up and I'll even stop thinking that my death would be a solution.

That said it is very very strange to think that it was not all the cheerleading or counselling that saved me this time. It was my obsessive compulsive disorder...If I didn't care so much about dressing the set the play would have read completely differently today.

But honestly, I am just not the type of person to die and leave clothes drying on the radiator.