"British people can appear repressed in expressing emotions. Not very good at anything like that." Emily Blunt - Actress
Ever noticed that some friends just
disappear and you find yourself wondering “What ever happened to……………..?”
Well, it’s no mystery. I’ll tell you what happened:
You pissed them off – They were too polite to tell you.
There you go. Mystery solved.
If you are lucky, when someone is upset with us, they'll shout,
stomp off, roll their eyes, refuse to speak to us or complain to everyone
else…. Word gets to us. We know.
But really despite being in a culture where it's easy to
fire off a snippy email or text, most of us have a hard time honestly
expressing anger face to face… we kid ourselves that we aren't upset and
subconsciously fume—until one day we just depart abruptly and cannot be
traced .
This is not a particularly healthy way to approach our
relationships– but really how stupid does someone have to be to not realise
that they are no longer bathing in the sun of your admiration and are entering
the deep freeze?
I hate conflict and try hard to avoid getting into that
situation with others. As a result, I sometimes wait way too long to tell
someone that I am upset. But people upset me… it’s par for the course. But it
is not natural to me to face off with folk…. It takes an age.
By the time I do, of course….I am furious. Apparently I am
so great at concealing my rage (by clamming up about the subject that enrages
me) that folks actually don’t even know I am a time bomb about to explode. It
all comes as a bit of a surprise.
This is the HUGE problem with holding back rage: Once you do finally show you are angry, you may just explode.
And here is the science part: When you have the steaming hump, your brain
gets a wash of chemicals, including adrenaline and testosterone (not the most
reasonable of chemicals). Unfortunately, this state can continue for hours – or
in my case days, weeks, months… oh hell YEARS!!!!
This is NOT good .
Once, I exploded after concealing my rage for far
too long (it was months!!). To be fair it wasn't just the British disease of repressed emotions; the person who I was annoyed at blocked any chance for me
to have a conversation about it. She responded to my first attempt to express my opinion on the matter by saying I made her feel like she was being manipulated into doing something she didn't wish to do. So as she’d made me powerless to say how much
I objected to her actions, she did as she pleased with no further word on the
subject from me… but I was STEAMING inside.
To keep a lid on it, the deep freeze was my only way of
dealing with her. (No chit chat, short factual answers, minimal opportunities
opening up to spend time with her.. you know the sort of thing) I reckoned she
notice the change in my demeanour and enquire… but no. Never under estimate the
ego of the self-obsessed and permanently righteous: she figured outside forces
were responsible (the weather) and bought me a lovely little book on Seasonal Affected Disorder (SAD)!!!!
Nice book but that was really just more fuel for the
bonfire. The only thing that was making me SAD…. Was the way she had treated
our friendship cavalierly then muted my voice so I couldn't express it without
being cast as manipulative!!!!
I was sooooooooooo Angry!!!!
In the end ….. kaboom!!!
To all appearances it seemed to be over the littlest thing….
But it wasn't…. it was over a mountain of things
It was over the fact that she wanted to do something that
was bad for us
It was over the fact she removed my right of veto by saying
my opinion, my feelings on the matter were just a manipulation
It was over the fact that once condemned to silence she
actually thought I no longer had those opinions or feelings
It was over the fact that her every act of kindness from
that point on felt like a further slice to my larynx
It was over that ruddy self help book
And yes it was also over the smallest littlest thing. (A hair clip I recall!!!)
But the blast area was messy beyond belief.
I was a proper volcano blowing its stack.
There is an argument that sometimes the best thing someone
can do if they genuinely are too polite to telling you that they are at the end
of their rope with the way you have treated them…
…is to leave you. Honestly, if someone knows enough about
someone to call them friend and doesn't notice the friends wounds… it’s
probably the clearest sign that it’s time for them to move on.
No one likes to lose a friend and no one like the complete lack of closure that comes when someone chooses to fade out of their lives. But honestly they are doing you a favour… if the dialogue between you was so stunted
that the person simply couldn't tell you what an ass you had been… It’s over anyway.
And hey… a tactical withdrawal HAS to be better than the huge big out of
control explosion.
So next time… when you look at those photos of yesteryear…
and you look at the face of someone who used to be real, real close ….but then
one day just seemed to vanish…
You need fret no more about them being on a missing persons
list. If it's closure you need as to why they disappeared, well JaxWorld would like to help you:
It wasn't them… it was YOU.
It wasn't them… it was YOU.
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