JAX WORLD: BLOG 202: Labels

“The average child laughs about 400 times per day, the average adult laughs only 15 times per day. I swear that it's badly labelling things that killed the other 385 laughs” Paula Poundstone

When I was single I found that for me, the difficult part wasn't figuring out what to do with my time but rather it was making the commitment to do the things that I enjoyed outside of work. When you look at the list it was unsurprising that I had to galvanise myself into action or the weight of choice would overwhelm me and I’d easily fall back on the singletons old excuse of being too tired after work to do anything other than watch TV.

When I was single, pleasing myself was the name of the game. And yeah, some of my time was spent watching TV but my diversion list was plentiful and I could galvanise my butt of the sofa to indulge myself with my list. That meant that I’d be reading books, watching movies, riding my bike, swimming, choreographing dance routines, taking on art projects, going window shopping, practicing my photography, visiting friends, recreationally cooking, travelling (road trips, local, foreign, etc), trying new restaurants/bars/clubs, blagging tickets and attending any thing with a red carpet, getting spectacularly good at board games, going to museums, lectures, etc. And that was just some of the things. And that’s what was so great about being single. I did exactly what I liked. Single means the only consideration is for one... singular. Single people go out when they like, come in when they like, travel when they like and have no one to consider but themselves.

I know what being single is. So does the dictionary:

sin·gle

[sing-guhl] Show IPA

adjective

only one in number; one only; unique; sole

of, pertaining to, or suitable for one person only

Now then... there is something else I know a lot about from personal experience and this has to be the biggest contrast to that frivolous self diverting single life.

I had to learn how to be congenial, non-defensive, non-intrusive, consistent, and generous with a male of the species. (Damn near killed me as it would be easier to sod the leading by example and just hand out discipline). I had to develop integrity in the way I lived my own life: genuinely valuing myself, accepting all of my various shades and priorities, and actively participate in my own life. It involved all kinds of uncomfortable crap like having to be real 24/7, admitting to my shortcomings and weaknesses, sharing the history of my formative years, revealing my personal struggles as well as my successes, and in general relating to this male as honestly as possible. (No where near as much fun as you think.... but if you are being a role model... then only way is to be honest and mature about your relationship with yourself.) And then there’s the tricky bit, allowing yourself to be loved.

Recognise what that relationship is? Of course... it’s my relationship with my son.

I know what being a parent is. So does the dictionary:

par·ent

[pair-uhnt, par-] Show IPA

noun

a source, origin, or cause.

a protector or guardian.

Parents (from Latin: parēns = parent) are the caretakers of the offspring in their own species.. Offspring can have one or more parents, involved in caretaking, but they all must have two biological parents. Biological parents consist of the male who sired the child and the female who gave birth to the child. In all human societies, both parents are responsible for raising their young. However, people die, people become incapacitated, people become unstable, people become incompatible and people leave. Without God-like powers few would be able to predict at the point of conception if any of these scenarios would/could/should happen to them before their offspring reach maturity.

So having established experience of the two states, I’d just like to take a little look at the grammatical rulings for both words

You will note that single is an adjective.

ad·jec·tive

[aj-ik-tiv] Show IPA

Grammar :

adjectives are primarily used to modify nouns by describing a particular quality of the word they are modifying

You will note that parent is a noun.

noun

[noun] Show IPA

Grammar:

nouns are often described as referring to persons, places, things, or states

And the reason for this (should it not already be as clear as crystal to you) is that the word single and the word parent do NOT function as a description of anyone with a child but lacking the support of a partner.

Doing anything else in this world as a LONE effort where normally there is a team is highly commended:

Lone circumnavigation of the world

Lone walk across continents/ ascent of Mountains

Lone discoveries of fundamental scientific principles

Because these things are commendable it would be considered a slur to prefix them with the word single. To do so would be seen as a blatent attempt to pass over lightly or without due mention or consideration the highly commendable endurance involved in doing singlehanded what normally takes two – or more.

And yet we will allow it to be said of parenting alone. True, it is said by smug people who know nothing of what it is to raise a child without the support of the other parent. True they say it to make the parent who remained sound irresponsible. This is achieved by focusing on the singular adjective describing a carefree person who has no dependants, who can look at the long long list of personal pleasure and diversion and say... I ONLY HAVE ME TO PLEASE.

No sacrifice, No endurance, No hardship to overcome... just frivolous pleasure.

Which quite frankly is bollix! NO parent lives with only themselves to please. A parent has offspring to consider.

It takes two to make a baby. But quite often what was at the start isn't there at the finish... one of them dies, becomes incapacitated, turns incompatable or simply just leaves. It is self evident that should your parenting partner have exited for what ever reason and you find that you are left holding the baby, then you are parenting on your own. You are a LONE parent.

And believe me.....There is NOTHING single about it.

That is all.

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