BLOG 109: I have NO idea...I'm just a Female!

“…football is more than just kicking a ball it has social and cultural value...So we ask the players and coaches 'please observe fair play' so they will be an example to the rest of the world.”— Sepp Blatter, FIFA President

World Cup finals start on Friday… and I for one cannot wait...

All across the world those of us who could not travel to South Africa to witness and support our teams will be flooding into town squares, local bars, restaurants and halls to watch the games.

It truly is a global event… and for ONCE, it is not something dominated by USA culture. Kudos to the USA for their domination of popular culture (I for one love their literature, television, films, clothes, music and food – but hey ho… isn’t it NICE to have something they don’t take the lead in).

Conversely though… my countries first game is against them. And I will be hosting a BBQ in my back yard in which the gals will all be dressed American and the guys all dressed English. (Be prepared for a whole load of Daisy Dukes and Hugh Grants chomping down on burgers and chips).

However… I was dismayed to receive a mailer from a mate of mine (MALE)… who disparaged my interest in the tournament. According to him how on earth could I (a mere female) understand ANYTHING about football?

Needless to say I went into one and pointed out that I first attended a football match some 10 years before he was even conceived. But he was left cold by my protestations. I rather felt he thought I was ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ and that my time would be better spent shopping for shoes than attempting to understand a game that is NOT for mere fillies.

Worst still when I complained to other males of my acquaintance, they somewhat fearfully acknowledged that my friend has a point. Women just don’t understand football. Despite the rise of women attending club matches, despite the rise in female pundits and sports presenters, despite females behind the scenes in management…. Football is a MANS game. And the guy’s just wish we’d just get back to our knitting and leave them to enjoy it.

Apparently possession on breasts and distinct lack of a penis means that I can’t tell a Cristiano Ronaldo from a David Beckham or a Kaka from a Kalou.

Only men can be serious fans who have devoted years to watching and studying the sport. Us gals are simply taking up an interest simply as an opportunity to party with enthusiastic sports fans – who of course are male. It’s either that or immigrate for the coming weeks to the precious few countries that have no idea what the beautiful game is.

Thus … Jax, being Jax (realising that there is little point in trying to justify my genders interest in the sport to such neophytes) has decided to ensure that each of us girlies is a well equipped as possible to ensure that we prove those cave dwellers wrong… and ensure that we are showing a little more knowledge than they expect us to.

I want it clear… I genuinely do not believe that us girls watch only to see 22 fit men run up and down in shorts for an hour and a half… but girls… it never hurts to revisit the REAL reason why this game is called the Beautiful Game.

Firstly, over and above any other sport, football in many ways is a very simple game. Twenty-two players chase around a ball for two 45 minute halves. Eleven of those players belong to one team; eleven belong to the opposing team.

During those 45 minute halves, the clock however does not stop. Should someone become injured (or fake getting injured) at the end of each half the referee adds a few minutes for what’s called “injury time’ to take into account the time lost in play.

Unlike most other sports the scores of most football games are generally low. Scoring in football simply isn’t easy. The goal is a large area, the goalkeeper is proportionately small and there are 11 men trying to stop a goal from occurring. It is a good idea in football to score a goal pretty early on as teams become more cautious as the game continues.

Now then the science part. There is a system in place to stop the game becoming carnage. Red and yellow cards and penalties given out by referees who are the guys dressed in black who don’t play for either team.

In football, minimal contact is allowed. A tackle is considered legal if a player hits the ball before he hits the other player. If, however, a player is illegally tackled inside the penalty area – an 18 yard by 18 yard box marked in white chalk in front of the goal – a penalty is awarded. If a defensive player touches the ball with his hand or arm inside this same penalty area a penalty shot is awarded.

I said this is the science part for a reason: the minutiae of understanding penalties gets a little more complicated – but behold it is NOT rocket science. Just pay attention.

If a player is fouled there are three degrees of penalties. The first and least punitive is the free kick. Play pauses and the fouled player is allowed to place the ball on the ground and restart play and kick the ball. Close enough to the goal and he might try to score.

Next up is the yellow card. A player gets a yellow card if he is judged to have committed a more serious infraction, including unsporting behaviour or a bad tackle. Tell you what; players can even get a yellow card for taking their shirt off after scoring... (and they say we girlies only watch footie for the male flesh on display!). Anyway – once a player gets a yellow card the number on the back of his shirt is entered in the referee’s notebook. Therefore this is called booking.

If a player receives two bookings in a match, he is automatically shown a red card which means he is removed from the game. His team is forced to play without him for the remainder of the game.

Players can also be given a red card and expelled if their behaviour is not sportsman like conduct - ie violently tackling a player from behind or cursing a referee. Then a player is shown a “straight’ red and thrown out of the game. (You Tube footage of David Beckham’s conduct in World Cup 1998 England v Argentina). It’s all down to what the referee sees and it’s HIS call.

The referee is assisted by two assistant referees (formerly known as linesmen), and in some matches also by a fourth official. During the World Cup the fourth official will probably be used to ensure fair play. Not wishing to be sexist but I’ve noticed men supporting football do love to scream and complain about match officials. Referees don’t feel the love that maybe should be afforded to these men who often do what they do for no pay. Typical polite criticism of the referees decisions include: “That was is NO WAY a foul!!!” “C’mon, ref, let them play you eejit!” However it is a fair point to bare in mind that football referees are rarely consistent about what is or isn’t an ‘illegal’ tackle. If you want to be one of the lads simply jump up and shout loudly at those fouls. Frankly – I can’t see the point… it’s not going to change anything and is a rather unattractive sight.

Now then WHY is this game called beautiful?

Well simply it has some of the most elegant moves in the annals of sport. For example….The Header. This is where a player uses his head to sail the ball through air thus avoiding a half dozen pair of legs and feet all attempting to steal the ball. Tall players tend to specialise in this and people refer to them as having their game “in the air.” Headers look particularly good in slow motion. Scissor kicks (which is made by throwing the body up into the air, making a shearing movement with the legs to get one leg high overhead to reach the ball (in original head height), which gets kicked backward over the player's head.) also make for dramatic slo-mo replays.

Now for some World Cup trivia: Thirty two teams have made it through to the World Cup Finals. The finals start on Friday 11^th June and finish about 11^th July with a spectacular final that is always the stuff of legends.

The qualifying rounds started in 2007 and over 200 teams battled for place in the finals. During the qualification process, Spain set a new record by doing this on a 10-game schedule. Germany kept their perfect “we always qualify” record. Scandalously Eire (The Republic of Ireland) were controversially not allowed to qualify after France (who did qualify) cheated with a hand ball (… now THAT was a blind ref!)

Critics often point out that the level of play in the World Cup tournament isn’t as high as the leagues in each country and that national teams don’t fuse as well together as they hardly play together. Fair point, but national pride is at stake. In fact, winning the World Cup is considered the ultimate achievement. In 80 years of the World Cup, only 7 nations have won.

My prediction for a winner this time is Spain, the European champions. However the bookies are going for Brazil, World Cup winners five times.

Teams with a good chance as they possess the talent but are likely to stuff it up as they love snatching defeat from the jaws of glory are England, the Netherlands and Italy, the defending champions. The worst teams in this year’s Cup have to be North Korea and New Zealand. I base this purely on their lack of home grown talent. But saying that…the home grown glories that lie in the teams of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland couldn’t even get it together enough to even qualify for the finals in South Africa so who knows? (After all… I’m just a girl…what do I know!)

Oh girls… when the lads are talking about the worst team…here’s some trivia to impress your friends. North Korea’s team is so shrouded in mystery no one even knows what their uniforms look like.

Oh… and when they start going on about how many times Italy has won last year tell them it was their fourth title. Believe me you would have short circuited a very long counting session and they ALWAYS get it wrong!

As for the star power on the field, the best player in the world is generally agreed to be Lionel Messi from Argentina. Do slide in the following comments: Messi is “an imperious pipsqueak” (he just is!): His team is in a bit of a mess because the coach footballing legend Diego Maradona is an “erratic loon, who still thinks he has the Hand of God” (a reference to a handball goal he illegally scored against England last century).

And when they go on and on about how England’s captain did his knee in just before the cup (training accident when he was chasing defenders) do point out that its more tragic that for poor old Ivory Coast who’s star player Didier Drogba (one of Chelsea FC’s strikers) who broke his arm about a week before the World Cup began and is unlikely to play.

On the subject of England… Everton’s Leighton Baines, Tottenham’s Tom Huddlestone, West Ham’s Scott Parker, Manchester Cities Adam Johnson, Sunderland’s Darren Bent … all didn’t make the squad. But save your outrage for the non selection of Arsenal’s Theo Walcott – everyone was so sure that he would make the squad that he was chosen to model the suits England will be wearing at the tournament… oops! Which brings me to Michael Dawson (Tottenham)… the luckiest man in South Africa… he got flown out last minute to replace the injured Rio Ferdinand . Gawd knows why – they could have used sub Ledley King and used the opportunity to make up for the error in not calling up Walcott. Anyway with Rio’s knee problems Liverpool’s Stephen Gerrard is now wearing the captain armband.

Well… almost Saturday and we’ll be up against the USA. It’s likely we’ll play a 4-2-3-1 classic shape (England manager has been favouring that for 2 years now) but watch for lanky Peter Crouch and fellow Tottenham player Aaron Lennon taking the place of sub Emile Heskey and reject Theo Walcott making the late runs. Though a 4-4-1-1- may happen if Capello listens to the critics who think Joe Cole should be brought in on the left. (Though frankly that risks our new captain and Frank Lampard in the centre which is a combo that has driven previous England managers to frustration).

STILL… what do I know… I have no idea… I’m only female!

Now then….where is my knitting!

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