“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.” Eleanor Roosevelt: American United Nations Diplomat, Humanitarian and First Lady (1933-45), wife of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd US president
Oh Eleanor Roosevelt had a way with words, didn’t she! But the gal was right, flattering words and acts do have a way of going right to our heads…till we find out more.
I have just returned from a short break in Spain. Spain is a good place for women who thrive on flattery. Once there it becomes almost routine to be told you are exceptional in some unexpected way.
Coming from the land of the anally retentive, it is certainly a refreshing change to have persons of both genders complimenting you and unused to it as we are it does quite literally turn your head. You start to look at yourself differently and strut about thinking you really are quite exceptional- until you realise that culturally Spaniards are schooled in the art of flattery. And of course the art of flattery is simply telling someone precisely what they wish to believe about themselves.
It’s a useful cultural difference in theses challenging economic times. The tourist pound has been a little reduced in Espana this year, because of the biting hold the recession has on the UK economy and bless em – they miss us! Given their diaspora towards exaggerating and overstating way beyond where we Brits draw the line, it would seem like a sensible idea to them to practice shameless flattery... And to be honest… just for a little while I quite enjoyed being “la mujer más hermosa de Inglaterra nunca haber sido visto en Cataluña”… until I realised I’d spent almost twice as much I had budgeted for!
It’s a hard thing to spot is flattery. The trouble is flattery is often mistaken for its much more worthy cousin, encouragement. These two states are only cousins in the same way a hawk is related to a budgie. Unfortunately unlike the bird metaphor you can’t tell the difference on sight.
I guess the difference between flattery and encouragement is intention. Encouragement validates what IS true about a person while flattery distorts. The encouragers intentions are for the subjects gain but the flatterers intention are for their own gain.
I wonder how in many situations things have been said in order to gain more for ourselves than for the one to whom we have given the compliment? I know I for one have probably contaminated my opinions with flattery in order to gain from it.
The work arena is certainly a place where a heck of a lot of smoke gets blown up asses! I’m no innocent here. In my time I’ve stated to bosses whose proletarian and frankly snoozefest ideas could bore the skin of a custard that their latest idea was something I could not wait to be involved in. I’d love to say it was only on projects in which I’ve gilded the lily but I’ve been equally as flattering to bosses on personal issues. I’ve lead a particular female boss I once had to believe she was my personal style icon. I do believe I said to her on more than one occasion that I wished I was able to embrace fashion with her flair. (All this when I would be as vocal as anyone (male or female) in the daily chuckle about her ridiculous ensembles.)
In the personal arena, I stand as guilty as anyone for reaffirming people’s high opinion of themselves based on little personal experience of their talents. How often have I given the impression that someone’s story is fascinating with deep eye contact (while my attention is less undivided than they think)? How often have I asked about peoples interests from TV shows I don’t watch to recent vacations I couldn’t care less about? How often have I said “No! Of course your bum does NOT look big in that”? Does all this make me a fake – or just tactful?
So many people claim to value the pure honest truth more than anything in the world… and yet I find so few people actually able to take it! I know I can’t.
I remember once asking a certain male of my acquaintance if a particular dress made me look fat. He answered “Jax, it’s not what the dress is doing to you; it’s what you are doing to the dress!” Brutal I know but he calls tact flattery and prefers to tell it as it is. He thought it’d serve me better to know. He claimed to have only good intentions by encouraging me NOT to blame the dress. I have to add he certainly didn’t make any personal gain from his candour as I hit him over the head with what ever come to hand – I for one would have preferred some flattery!
And there in lies the problem. All of us enjoy being complimented. Whether be our outward appearance or our cerebral activity, other peoples affirming words brighten our days. They are all part of good social exchange.
Flattery is powerful. Although most of us like to think of ourselves as having too much self-respect and dignity to ever use it, we all do at some point.
We’ve all used it to ingratiate ourselves with people who have the power to give us what we want or even to protect ourselves from those who could make our lives hell. We use it to sway a romantic interest (“It must be wonderful to have such a talent for [fill in a hobby you care less than nothing for], a grumpy teacher (“I just wanted to let you know that your classes are the highlight of my week”) potential parents-in-law (“Oh Mrs Brown that was the BEST Sunday dinner I have ever had) or a potential client (“I am so excited to be working with your company”) . Thing is we know we enjoy getting compliments, and we know we grow fond of people who heap them on us. Needless to say we’re more likely and willing to do things for the people we’re fond of. It’s not a huge leap for us to reverse the process to make those gains for ourselves.
Funny enough when we witness someone flattering another, our reaction is completely different than if we are the subject of it. See someone buttering someone up and we’ll suspect that the person is not genuine. However if the same person does it to us, we'll fall for it. Flattery seems on transparent to a third-party, but the old adage about it making you hear what you secretly believe is true when you are the object of it… you want it to be real so it becomes real.
However the jig is up with flattery once you over do it.
There is a thin line between flattering and lying. It’s flattering to say to a vegetarian friend that the meatless dinner they cooked so delicious you didn’t notice the absence of meat but its another thing to say that it was so wonderful that you are now inspired to give up meat all together! Which leads nicely to those who adopt someone else’s lifestyle just to ingratiate themselves.
The idiom “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” is often taken a little too much to heart by some people.
And oh by jingo have I come across prats who just don’t know where to stop.
The politics of the work place often means that some departments are just cooler than others. It must be hard if you believe yourself to be cool but you work in IT or Sales when the hip kids are all in Marketing. Bang goes any chance of getting into that group. The temptation to ingratiate yourself with the in crowd by cultivating the same interests can appear to be a good shortcut.
I recall a chap called Nick in a company I worked in once. He was in the uncool department, he was great at his job and well remunerated for it, but in his heart he yearned to be in with the in-crowd. He soon learnt that the in-crowd lads didn’t spend their lunch hour at their desks or in the pub. They’d meet up in reception and head of to play squash.
Nick made sure that every lunch time, he’d happen to be in reception and every time the in-crowd waited for each other, Nick seized his opportunity to drop a word about his love and knowledge of the sport.
It transpired that there was nothing about squash a “tournament playing player” like Nick didn’t know. Eventually these quick fire statements to the in-crowd about their passion lead to the invite to go join them one lunchtime.
Oh Nick was a pro. Nick chucked out the previous players, then walked onto the court, and started hitting the ball claiming he had to do this for precisely five minutes to get the ball warm enough to play. It was all very impressive stuff. There was just one thing Nick didn’t research thoroughly enough… how to actually PLAY squash.
Nick never got any alone time with the In-crowd after that… he was exposed as having been talking at length and with authority about something he didn't know anything about. The in-crowd were less flattered and more creeped out that anyone would go to such lengths to be around them – they never seemed to be interested in Nicks words of wisdom on their interests and brushed off his flattery from then on.
Thing is, flattery can’t work unless the flatteree believes. We get sucked in by flattery because we want to. The In-crowd wanted to believe a tournament player was joining their game because they believed they were worthy of that kind of attention. Just like how I wanted to believe when I heard “muchas picante conchita” in Spain. But after a while you begin to notice that such flattery comes mainly from those who will gain from the goodwill the flattery generates.
However on my last night over there I was still buying into the flattery… choosing to believe that the catcalls of what sounded like “Whappa” were in reference to my obvious fantabulousness and certainly NOT the size of my butt!
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