“If a Man's Home is His Castle, why is There Potpourri in My Moat?” Leighton McCormick, blogger extraordinaire
Welcome to winter
We are a strange breed us Brits. In
Where they have sophistication, we have rituals. And why not… the fact we are so odd has held of every invasion since the French in 1066. (And as my French pals say to me often ‘Phah … Le Royaume-Uni... .the colony that never quite worked out!’ You can kind of see their point, they won the land fair and square and yet we managed to turn them into Brits and before long they were heading up Brit armies to invade
So here we are, cosy on our little
Of course we are by history a mixed bag of tribes. Palaeolithic people got here from the Middle East, followed by Celts and all sorts from
These days however, to be in a British Tribe is less to do with where your people originated… and much more to with what you watch on TV. And in winter with the drawbridges up on our mythical British castles… it is a declaration of what you watch over these cold winter months that decides whether or not your fellow tribesmen will let you in.
I jest not! Even I - who never says no or even maybe to the suggestion of entertaining in her humble abode will think twice about allowing in someone from a tribe of telly watchers to which I do not belong.
The key tribes are as follows:
X Factor – a singing contest in which tomorrows recording star is hoped to be found.
Strictly come dancing – a dancing contest in which a minor celebrity will hopefully prove to have talent in this area
I’m a Celebrity get me out of here! – an endurance contest in which a minor celebrity or major has been will win the nations hearts by enduring hardship in a jungle
Dancing on Ice – an ice dancing contest in which a minor celebrity will hopefully prove to have talent in this area
Celebrity Big Brother – an endurance contest in which a minor celebrity will win the nations hearts by enduring a complete lack of privacy
Try as you might to get through winter without being sucked into one or the other of these reality shows… it cannot be done.
It’s like a car crash… you know you shouldn’t look, but seeing everyone is gonna ask you about it tomorrow anyway, you’ll just take a quick peek. And before you know it…you are hooked like a fat kid with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a spoon. It’s never the one mouthful.
Oh and the excuses we make to ourselves… “I’m not hooked, I don’t watch it… I just check who has been eliminated online/in the paper/ in the gossip magazines” “I don’t watch them per say…I just watch the first show to see who is in it, and the last few shows to get a feel for the final”. Ahhh… admit it… there is no one on this fair isle who does not know exactly who is in which show and how things are going in each.. and there ain’t no one who doesn’t belong to at least one tribe of followers for the top 5 shows I’ve listed.
I agree… it’s hard to own up to being sucked in by the popularist twaddle these shows are. These shows are a guilty pleasure. Brought up as many of us were on the ethos that television is there to inform and entertain, we are aware that these shows do little of either. We watch them as our ancestors watched the freak shows in the travelling fairs.
We’re all aware that the shows are not really about giving us stars of tomorrow. With but a few notable exceptions, X-factor has given us little over the years other than cruise-line singers and poor karaoke. Strictly come dancing has yet to produce either a
It’s the magic of watching people expose themselves to the nation that makes the shows so darn unmissable. There is something about being cosy and warm by the hearth of your own home whilst watching these small dramas play out that makes the winter scheduling of these shows so crucial.
One only has to look at the dwindling figures of the summer reality shows to see that people watching is a winter activity for us Brits.
My personal love affair with the big five features the two dancing shows. I feel more qualified to mock, judge and shout at my telly when it’s a skill I actually possess. Untold years at Doris Bruce Barker’s
My house shares a chimney breast with them next door. Although these are now bricked in, the hollowness of what lies between my living room and next doors gives amplification to my Saturday night dance critiques… and plenty for us to laugh about over the wall on a Sunday morning. “Ah Jax… boy you gave the telly a good shouting at yesterday… we had to turn over from X factor to see what all the fuss was about”.
Ah yes... I live next door to the X Factor tribe.
Now I love my neighbours… they came straight out of the perfect next-door neighbour catalogue. Friendly, but not gossipy, helpful, but not interfering…we get on great. In the summer months we quite happily chat over the garden wall and agree on practically everything. But come winter… I have no idea WHAT they are on about. I’m talking about Jade’s leg injury and fretting if she can compete on Saturday, I also have grave concerns about Laila’s chances of avoiding the dance-off…. And they are rabbiting on about Jedward’s mikes being turned down. If this goes on much longer the annual exchange of Xmas cards will be in jeopardy!
It’s not just my relationship with my neighbours that lie in jeopardy in winter time. My GBF is a massive X Factor fan. There is no way I can allow him up the drawbridge until Strictly has finished. The two programmes are broadcast at the same time. The big difference is that Strictly is resolved on the same night, whereas X factor is dragged on till the following day. This means I have to suffer his addiction over two days. He is so badly addicted, he frets about his chosen artiste overnight and the programme crops into conversation the following day several times till all is resolved at some point after 9pm. He really feels the contestant’s pain. He’s not alone…. Facebook goes CRAZY after the X Factor results show. I find the whole thing quite bizarre – it’s just a singing contest ain’t it? My GBF and almost everyone on face book beg to differ.
I love my GBF so I have found a way to preserve our friendship. The drawbridge is up till after the X factor Final. Besides he likes the Ice Dancing show… and that starts straight after Christmas. We’ll be back in synch again and the drawbridge will be down.
Meanwhile my mate Beah – who is ab fab in everyway has gone the route of I’m a Celebrity get me out of here. Today she regaled to me the tale for Katie Price’s dramatic return to the jungle and how the poor inflated Barbie Doll had to do FOUR (count them FOUR) bush-tucker trials. I had no idea what the hell she was on about… but to be fair she had no idea of the dramas of all the injuries in Strictly last week. It seems very worrying me that someone as fantastic at Beah would wish to spend her evenings watching the D-Q list of celebrity-dom swim in slurry and eat bugs.
But what can we do… it’s winter.
Our drawbridges are up and we shut out the world (and howling winds) and enjoy our homes till spring returns. We join a virtual tribe for a bit of outside interest and bicker about which passes winter away in the most entertaining way. It’s the British way.
Lord knows the pubs and clubs of the UK will be empty on three dates in December. Three of the tribes will be rushing home to watch their shows finales. I’m a Celebrity get be out of here ends 7th December. X factor ends 12th December. Strictly’s final is scheduled for 19th December.
Of course not all of winter will be spent in front of the goggle box. We’ll have a little time off to enjoy yuletide…. Then we are right back on our sofas….Dancing on Ice and Celebrity Big Brother returns to our screens after Xmas.
In this corner of this little island of the western coast of Europe, two tribes will be coming together at that point. Next door will join me in the Dancing on Ice tribe… drawbridge down!
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