Blog 60, Sunny Side

“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times” Charles Dickens from his masterpiece Tale of Two Cities

Chaz Dickens and I are on good terms. (You can see he ain’t Charles to me – I’m Jax, he’s Chaz).

We have a lot in common, both residing in Kent and both being far too political and outspoken for our own good and not giving a monkies about it. We also both dabble with writing and have had our publishing successes… though I have to concede that Chaz has proven a little wider read than I… but then he did have a head start!

But more than our geography, personalities and vocations I have an infinity with Chaz, cause he could see it as it is.

Life is as good as it is awful, poor as it is rich, painful as it is gleeful, and predictable as it is unstable… and all within the same moment.

There is nothing so awful that something great doesn’t come out of it – even if it is just the fact that you or those around you get stronger from the strife.

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.

You tell ‘em Chazzer!

I was sitting on my patio enjoying the break of dawn this morning, and the thought occurred to me that I have been through some mighty strife in recent years. It also made me question why it was I felt so happy. And happy I do feel… I’ve been feeling that way for a long time!

Of course must tone down the happiness, cause singing Destiny’s Child’s “I’m a Survivor” to the sun as it made an appearance this morning did NOT go down too well with the neighbours.

But it was an apt ditty…

Thought I couldn't breathe without you

I'm inhaling

thought I couldn't see without you

Perfect vision

thought I couldn't last without you

But I'm lastin'

thought that I would die without you

But I'm livin'

Thought that I would fail without you

But I'm on top

Thought it would be over by now

But it won't stop

Thought that I would self destruct

But I'm still here

Even in my years to come

I'm still gonna be here

When I was delicately warbling this at the sun (next door says roaring)... I was thinking of my hair, my lone-parent status, my redundancy, and my youth!

They gave the best of times.. they gave the worst of times.

I honestly thought when I lost all my hair (see blog 34) that I would not recover. Well, as much as my hair did not… two years on, I haven’t self destructed, I’m still here. It’s an adjustment and things have irreversibly changed, but I’m stronger for it. I had no idea people could be so cruel that they would blame the victim… but they did. They tossed their own hair and called me vain for caring that I’d lost all mine while simply doing something 97% of all women do. But I gathered in that hurt and used it positively. I went on National TV and campaigned for women to be aware of the risks and took on the big pharmaceutical companies who allow these unsafe products into the market place. I even placed photos of what happened to be on the internet for all to see. I refused to be a victim. I never knew I had that strength… but the worst of times gave me an opportunity to find the best of myself.

I really believed when I got replaced by a teenager when the father of my then 8 year old child decided to have a mid life crisis… that I would die. I was an arrogant person when I was in a couple, (see blogs 2 & 3) and I used to sneer at lone parents – or single parents as I rudely used to call them. I thought it was just a matter of going out there, find a compatible person, get a commitment and get on with your life. I couldn’t understand how people could even consider having kids wit someone so unstable they would leave you literally holding the baby. I thought lone parents got it all wrong in the selection process and I was better than them. I used to believe MY relationship would last forever. In the end it lasted 13 years. Then I was alone for the first time in my adult life… with one addition a beautiful little boy who thought I could sort it all out. I didn’t die. I have become, mother and father, nurse and playmate, breadwinner and nurturer, the arms that cuddle and the feet that kick arse. I never knew I could be all those people and more… but the worst of times gave me the opportunity to multi-skill in a way I never knew possible.

Being made redundant for the THIRD time by one industry felt that my chances of ever being able to survive were over. When my son’s father left us, I got made redundant for the second time soon after. I pulled every rabbit out the hat and on my last rabbit secured an exciting well paid role where I could project manage till my hearts content. My son and I were living with friends at the time, but the job paid enough for me to take over the house when my friends moved out. I took my son snowboarding in America and Canada, we had weekend adventures, I took him and his grandparents ranching. There was always food in the cupboard and his birthday parties were a legend. I was so proud of myself for not only being able to support my son and myself, but to do so in style. Then without warning…redundancy. It was OVER. You only have to read blog 8 about the gut wrenching sickening procedures involved in getting state assistance. But I didn’t stay helpless. JaxWorld went online with me writing columns about how I see life, a completely different style of writing from the book where I made my name. People began to respond...before I knew it my inbox was full. (See blog 14 for the turn around in situation). The worst of times had given me the opportunity to find out that I was a columnist and NOT a novelist, and at last I found an audience.

Like all women, getting older is not something looked forward to with anything other than trepidation. You only have to read Blog 4 to know that women of a certain age are invisible. For me it is slightly worse I guess as I spent a great deal of my 20’s making a lot of money from the way I looked… so it was harsh to look in the mirror and see an old bird looking back. Now I’ve been blessed with skin that doesn’t wrinkle, I have no jowls, bags or any of the 7 signs of aging that you can get a cream for… but that doesn’t stop me looking older. An indefinable something happens that makes people stop calling you a girl or a woman. Suddenly you are ‘the lady’… as in ‘show the lady across the road’. Things you used to handle defeat you… you can’t club till 4am without preparation, a sit down and preferably a nap, You can’t run after something or someone and catch them up… you find yourself saying things your mother said and seeing the wisdom in them. You are middle aged. You are the guardians of those younger and the carers of those older and you are invisible. But just because I couldn’t rock out in a micro mini didn’t mean to say I was no longer around. I suddenly cottoned on to the fact that ONLY by getting older I would know what I want, be emotionally stable and intellectually stimulating. (See Blog 35). The worst of times has freed me from those youthful days of being visible for all the wrong reasons. Life is a non stop make me happy fest now I have put in the years to learn how to keep a smile on my face (and other’s)!

So there I was… reclining on the patio, giving Destiny’s Child no competition at all and waking up the neighbours.

Thought I couldn't breathe without you

I'm inhaling

thought I couldn't see without you

Perfect vision

thought I couldn't last without you

But I'm lastin'

thought that I would die without you

But I'm livin'

Thought that I would fail without you

But I'm on top

Thought it would be over by now

But it won't stop

Thought that I would self destruct

But I'm still here

Even in my years to come

I'm still gonna be here

So come on then… join me in the chorus…..

I'm a survivor (What?)

I'm not gonna give up (What?)

I'm not gonna stop (What?)

I'm gonna work harder (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)

I'm gonna make it (What?)

I will survive (What?)

Keep on survivin' !!!!!!

I have a feeling that if my mate Chaz Dickens were with us right now… he’d be singing along too… cause if any one knew that the worst of times are the best of times… he did.

JaxWorld has been nominated for ‘Best Blog about Stuff’ in the Bloggers Choice Awards. If you enjoy this blog please vote for it using the following link:

http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/80516?load=comments