BLOG 55: Little Gals Dreams

“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.” Amy Bloom, American Novelist and Screenwriter

Blame Wedding Sindy. This flat chested, horse riding British version of Barbie came with a whole wedding ensemble. I find it amazing that long before little girls have mastered basic motor skills – they are able to dress 13 inches of plastic in a long white frock and make a welcome line up from teddy bears and gonks.

It seems everyone I know had a perfect wedding planned since they were 8. By the time they were teens, the only thing missing from most of my pals plans was the groom. Needless to say before Uni was barely over, the endless procession of weddings began.

Once the solitaire was on the finger, my friends could to a woman suddenly produce scrapbooks full of cut outs and notes. It became increasingly clear that not only every little girl had dreamt of her wedding… she was taking notes. Long before Mr Right had popped the question, she knew exactly how her big day will be, what her dress will look like and had gone over it in her mind a million times before it actually comes to pass.

I was not one of those little girls. But then maybe I was not one of those little girls because I thought that it was all about a man asking and a woman agreeing to enter, into matrimony. For me it was all about a Marriage with all the legal, social, emotional, economical, spiritual, and religious connotations that go with it. Being the independent type that I am, I have never even had a passing thought that marriage would remotely be a suitable choice for me.

Besides, I traded my Sindy doll for a Hornby No.2 junction signal, 0-gauge, for my tin-plate steam trains. Maybe I was too busy running the Jax World Express to get my wedding portfolio done.

However, my distinct lack of a scrapbook of lace and Times wedding notices did not disclude me from being a wedding guest. I’m not anti-marriage.

I think it is incredible when friends enter into a commitment such as Marriage. To have found someone who loves you so much that they want to wake up every morning of their life next to you… pretty major. Just because doing so it is not for me, does not mean I poo poo the institution.

In fact, on any given Saturday, when the weather is less hostile, you can find me in a new dress that was bought for one reason. Well two (!) – second being it’ll look great in the soon-to-be-flaunted Facebook nuptial pictures.

One unexpected benefit of being pulled into the vortex of other peoples celebrations of union, is a ringside seat to observe a whole heap of things. Things that only those who have not been crazed by decades of dreaming of the OPD (one perfect day) can see.

Something happens to the newly proposed to. Something bizarre takes place whereby The Marriage gets forgotten and all that I am going to hear about … is A Wedding .

The man has asked you to spend every day of the rest of your life with him… and all you can talk to me about are the arrangements for the ceremonial kick off day. Forget the lifetime commitment all you care about is your OPD.

I sometimes wonder if just half the focus that was put into the wedding went into the marriage if the following figures would tell a happier story.

In the UK – 58% of marital unions fail. 249,227 couples went down the aisle last year. 143,818 filed for divorce. With the average wedding costing around £10,000 that's a waste of £1.4 billion. Unfortunately there is no calculus for the heartbreak and stress caused. Depressing or not, it is a tribute to the optimism of the human heart that this year again almost a quarter of a million UK couples will walk the aisle.

But I do just wish that the focus of these couple will be on the fact that they are about to enter into a till death contract with someone... but I suspect like most couples before them… it will all be on the OPD.

Sometimes I just want to take my friends by the shoulders and shake them till they realise that the OPD ….IT’S JUST A PARTY! True they are celebrating a major milestone in lives life, and yes they get to dress up, get pressies and be the centre of attention… but please get a grip!

When a couple is getting married there is so much focus on how SHE will look on that OPD. My friends inform me it’s for that one moment when HE sees her walk down the aisle towards him. This obsession seems a little strange to me.

Firstly… it’s a dress. Honestly, it’s JUST a dress… it’s a piece of material. GET OVER IT!! I don’t care if it is an eggshell-white creation spun from flawless organza…it’s a dress. The reverence around these frocks seems a little odd. Normally you go shopping and find the dress you desire and buy it if it fit well and looks good. I appreciate this time you are buying a dress that will be much photographed, but why have you forgotten a key point. Surely given your intended found you appealing enough to ask the big question - you are attractive as you are. So why is it the only dress you can find is one that you have to change all your dimensions for - just to get in it. The run up to your wedding should be one of the happiest periods of your life. But instead, in the lead up to the OPD, you are living on ginger ale and grapefruit and are needless to say in a fowl mood with everyone. Is ANY frock worth it?

When a couple are preparing for a wedding, they seem to forget that they already have music taste. They start buying albums of ‘Our Tunes’ to find a first dance tune and go off auditioning bands and DJ’s for the evening reception. The end result is music that is entirely non representative of the couple whose union I have been invited to. This to me seems bizarre.

“If music be the food of love play on”…. So said the great Will. Music is important it captures a time and place. Just hearing a tune can take you back to a moment. And yet… say the word wedding… and my mates are booking Funky Bernard and His Wheels of Steel. It’s your OPD… and the backing track is “Come on Eileen” and “Hi Ho Silver Lining”??? You know that if you were on a night out and either tune came on you would be asking the management for a refund as you beat a hasty retreat. But say ‘Wedding’ and suddenly this dirge becomes traditional? Why if this is your OPD isn’t the music the backing track that actually occurred during your relationship?

When a couple is getting married there starts an obsession about what to serve for the ‘wedding breakfast’… which is apparently the correct term for the first meal served after nuptials. My friends start trying menus of food they would normally never consider and start finding as many different ways of presenting the food in novelty shapes. This to me seems extremely odd.

Incidentally, I don’t care if the etiquette books call it a wedding breakfast… if I’m getting a meal after a wedding ceremony that ain’t no breakfast. You say breakfast, it better be before noon and I want bacon! However, I get it I do… you are entertaining people for a whole day and therefore you must feed them. But it’s just food…and food should be identifiable. This is not the time to be feeding people obscure delicacies. It may well look pretty on the plate, but if the vows are at three and the ‘wedding breakfast’ is at 6… slivers of swan shaped liked church bells ain’t gonna stop me slipping out to Mc D’s while your Dad gives his 3hr speech about how cute you were as a child. Why can’t people keep the food real…? I know you know what real food is, you’ve had me over for dinner enough times. And yet I have met so many wedding escapees in fast food joints, surely the whole point of the day is to keep everyone present to witness your OPD?

When the rock is on the finger, you are no longer from your own life apparently. There is not one building that the two of you entered during your relationship that will do as a backdrop to saying your vows. An agonistic will suddenly start attending a cult providing it meets in a pretty church with photogenic portcullis, and a city dweller will feel an infinity to a castle in the middle of nowhere. Now this may be just because when you lot were making Wedding Sindy marry Big Ted, I was adjusting my Hornby rolling stock and missed out… so forgive me… but isn’t a wedding just saying some vows followed by a party?

How is it that celebrating the union of two people turns into fantasy of massive proportions? If you are not religious, why are you in a church? If you are not royalty why are you in a castle? I just don’t get why so little of the setting around nuptials represents the actual people taking the vows. Yes, I get it that country churches ARE pretty and I do get it that no one wants to say their vows in a tower block in the East End, but having 200 non religious friends feeling desperately uncomfortable and miming to hymns is just silly. And regarding Jacobean Castles…for once I would like to put down my glass of vino without getting a bill for removal of rings from wood furniture in a grade II listed building.

When a wedding is coming, invariably so is the kind of debt that makes a student loan look like borrowing next weeks pocket money. I find it amazing that people enter into a legal contract to provide for another and the very same day they are wilfully blowing thousands of pounds on ‘ambiance’ of a party. A party to celebrate the union is one thing… but a huge financial burden to take into your new life seems a little crazy to me. Surely this money would be better invested in ensuring a secure financial foundation to your new life?

A couple of years back, I went to a spectacular wedding. First, we watched a strapless white silk gown made of at least 200 metres of fabric with a frilled, three-metre train go down the aisle of a country church in Essex. Later at location in Westcliffe on Sea, everyone got an individual photo taken with the bride and groom. The bride and her 5 bridesmaids had costume changes for the reception (thankfully the photos of these were taken while we were eating). In case you were still unsure of whose day it was, behind the top table was a 3m x 3m photo of the happy couple. On the subject of grub I think there must have been at least 300- 400 people to feed. Whilst we were eating the videographer went to every table and everyone recorded a message for the newly weds. There were three live bands, one for the ceremony, another played while we ate and a final lot turned up for the dancing. I won’t mention the 5 tier wedding cake nor the £2500 spent on flowers, but I do believe there was little change out of 100 grand when all was said and done. A year in the planning, from the invites and order of service that co-ordinated with the tableware to the doves that were set free from the pier … and for what? To impress 300-400 people of which more than half the couple will never see again. I know this as they filed for divorce this summer.

It was the old story of having spent more on the wedding than they did on the marriage. The unexpected change to the global economy meant the bank they were so gainfully employed at folded. This left them both unemployed, and up to their eyeballs in post-wedding debt. And as is often quoted… “When debt comes through the door… love goes out the window”.

Which returns me to my original point. One Perfect Day is a wonderful fantasy. It is the stuff of fairy tales. It’s not real. It is the stuff of little girl’s games when they dress up their dolls.

BUT if you are lucky enough to find someone who wishes to make a public declaration that they want to be yours till death…Surely the focus should be on the fact you are about to enter into a till death contract with that person. Surely you should be planning for a LIFETIME ahead – not just one perfect day.

I love a wedding. Just because I’ll never wed doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being a part of the celebrations when my friends and family do. It is a truly joyous thing when two people find that they wish to spend the rest of their lives together and are prepared to stand up before the world and declare that they do. I just think that a little planning for that lifetime ahead would probably prove to be a much valued investment.

Yes the day you sign that contract should be happy one. Yes, you should wear something special. Yes, you should have all the people who contributed to your lives and relationships around you to witness this momentous commitment. Yes, you should celebrate. But to lose track of the fact it is only the FIRST day of the rest of your life is just asking to have that day eclipsed by all the other days to come.

Everyone is so angry and disappointed when a marriage doesn’t work out. A day that was the focus of all your dreams becomes a day you never wish to be reminded of. Which is a great pity considering all the investment that went into it. We all want to look back and remember with you your one perfect day

Besides… I hate having to delete wedding pictures off Facebook when the dress I bought for your big day, really rocked the joint!

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BLOG 39: Havin' a FAG?

HAVIN' A FAG?

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times. ~Mark Twain

I just received the above picture in an e-mail from a mate. I had to laugh London Ontario shares the same state of play as London England. No don’t get me wrong, I applaud the change in the matrimonial law in this country… love is a rare commodity and if two people not only find each other but wish to make a life time commitment then who the hell was the law to say it could only be the heterosexuals that should have that right. But the sign says it all… havin’ a fag sure ain’t what it used to be.

The smoking ban in England, that made it illegal to smoke in all enclosed public places and enclosed work places, came into force on 1 July 2007.

Now let’s get something straight (tee he he – I know deliberate pun)… but let’s just say it… No one, like NO ONE has a tobacco stick for its health benefits. It’s a self-destructive adult pleasure. As a wise mate once said to me… “It will take 5 years or more off your old age – and add nothing to your youth.”

I agree with any legislation that will ensure that those under the legal age of adulthood cannot purchase cigarettes – smoking is highly addictive and to be enslaved by a decision you made as a child is a bit harsh. It should be an adult decision to smoke.

I agree with any legislation that protects the unwilling from second hand smoke – the jury isn’t in on how harmful this really is, buy why should those who chose not to partake in the habit suffer along with those who have freely made the choice. It should be that you should have a right to choose smoke-free air in an enclosed space.

The government are patting themselves on the back about how many people have given up the daemon weed since the ban came in over two years ago.

Call me a cynic… I was just wondering…. Was the smoking ban to make England a healthier place – or was it just to vilify smokers as social pariahs?

In England we’ve been withdrawing places for smokers to indulge their habits for some years. The younger of my readers may not remember a time when the smoker was king.

Camel Cigarettes used to be advertised with the strap line “The Number 1 Doctors Choice”. In fact a doctor would pass you a cigarette if he was to give you bad news…for your nerves. Film stars were obliged to be photographs with ‘one burning’ to establish their edgy-sexiness.

But in the day to day, offices were full of overflowing ashtrays (the higher the pile of butts – the better the productivity). Social gatherings were conducted in a fog of exhaled smoke and all public transport had smoking areas.

I used to ride the tube in the days when smoking was permitted. I quite often would get off at Earls Court, stinking of smoke and quite bewildered as to how I got there (the windows were so tarred up with smoke residue that I couldn’t see when Gloucester Road came so I’d ride on obliviously!).

The bus wasn’t much better. Smokers were corralled upstairs. Talk about the air getting thin the further up you go! You’d climb the stairs of the old routemasters and enter a yellow tinged cloud. I remember a little girl asking her mother where her Nana was. The mother answered that Nana had ‘gone to heaven to live with Angels’ and the little girl asked if they were in Nana’s cloud. Who knew… heaven was the upper deck of a 122 to Crystal Palace!

The Cinema was my favourite site for observing optimism about smoke. A film would come on which frankly was just a large arrow. The arrow would drift to one side of the cinema and a voice over would ask all the smokers to move to that side “for the comfort of those who do not wish to inhale your smoke”. Of course… that’d work… in STUPID LAND!

However, a voluntary ban came in on public transportation and the cinema and both became places where smoke was no longer an issue.

Equally, workplaces moved of their own accord to have smoking rooms rather than having desk-top smoking. I can’t tell you how joyous the politicking that went on in corporate smoking rooms were – but I can tell you that every company I worked in that had one… the key people to know could all be found in the smoking room!

I think it is great that the ban on 1.7.07 took it further. The notorious smoking room was to be outlawed… and basically if it had a roof on it in England… then spark up NO MORE! Workplace smokers were consigned to the street… not the best place to debate corporate policy.

You will note that whilst I have looked at public transport, cinemas and workplaces….I have not said a word about the big three… Bars, Clubs and Restaurants.

Now the reason I left the social things off, was that I don’t know about you, but my friends fall into both camps. Smokers and Non-smokers. I have never yet refused the friendship of someone based on whether or not they are a user of cigarettes. The English smoking ban assumed that non-smoking people and smoking people do not interact. And that if a minority of them do… well… the benefits will outweigh any inconvenience.

However, a whole heap of odd things were revealed to us all in the brave new smoke-free world post 01.07.07.

That very summer artistes found the smoking ban just couldn’t work with their art. The Rolling Stones flouted the ban – Ronnie and Keith both sparking up on stage. Who’d have thought it’d be ROCK AND ROLL to smoke a legal rollie!

I went to my first smoke free gig late in the summer of 07. It was the most bizarre experience. The gig was in a small intimate venue in central London. I’d been there many times before. Normally music fans would gather in a darkened room. Spotlights highlighted the band and curlicues of smoke would wind through the limelight columns. You had to struggle to see anything – but it was very atmospheric.

It wasn’t that night. I could see the stage. Clearly. Very clearly. I could also see the whites of everyone else’s eyes. It was most disconcerting. It was like being in a pen with a load of bright eyed owls. I was entirely unnerved. It put me off the gig. I left early… stumbled out of the venue into Soho… and joined the throng on the pavement having a fag. (I assume like me their nerves were in pieces!)

Night clubs were even worse. It would be easy to go home looking like a tattooed lady. One stamp on the back of your hand to get in….then one for every fag-break through to closing time. Also the smoking area became just one more place to check before you were sure you’d been dumped. Areas became patrolled often by frantic looking singletons who on catching sight of their amour with a burning ciggie in their hand would show the kind of relief previously reserved for homecoming of heroes. Inside the club a problem arose….. with anything up to 1/3 of the club outside partaking in the weed – it was up hill to fill to dance floor.

The ramifications of smoke free pubs didn’t really kick in for a few months. It took me a while to work out what was wrong.

Firstly, the smoking ban was divisive with my group of friends. Non-smokers becoming coat and bag monitors whilst the smokers left the premises to indulge their habit. This developed into an activity that became known as ‘smlirting’. (Flirting whilst in a smoking area.) It became so prevalent that smokers would get to know a representative from every table in the pub – whilst the poor non-smokers remain static guarding baggage on the original table. A non- smoker could easily spend ½ their evening alone due to this. In the end non-smokers would go on fag-breaks with their addicted friend… passive smoke maybe… but MUCH more sociable!

Secondly, the joy of getting home without smelling like an ashtray wore off quickly when the smell of beer slops and human sweat became prevalent. Who knew… pubs stink and the smell has been disguised for centuries by the aroma of burning tobacco? Suddenly being inside a pub wasn’t the attractive premise it promised to be when the smoking ban was first enforced. Again the smoking area’s filled up… this time with those looking for better fragranced air to breathe… ironic or WHAT?!

Then the big one. Restaurants. It never occurred to me before the ban, how much smoking and eating were intertwined.

Before 01.07.07, one would eat, have a fag, order coffee, have a fag, order more drinks, have a fag, order more drinks… and continue right up to a liqueur at closing time. My friend who used to run a restaurant said to me many years ago ‘The food.. I could give away! I make my money on the booze.’ Nowadays… people eat… wish they had a fag… order a coffee… and leave so they can smoke in peace… and have the liqueur at home. People have stopped lingering in restaurants.

Banning smoking in the workplace has resulted in a rise in productivity. Maybe it’s just the fun has gone out of smoking at work when people find themselves standing out on the street like a hooker with a fag in hand. Or maybe now that the smoking room door isn’t letting clouds of smoke billow across the office it’s just that people can see their work.

And taking the ban further so that people can’t smoke in Airports, Train Stations or anywhere else that people won’t be spending a prolonged period of time is great. If you can’t last a few hours… then you REALLY do have a problem.

But the social thing leaves me feeling that the law has gone too far. I mean… are we really looking for clean air in a pub, club or restaurant? Would it really be too much to have smoking facilities in some of these places? I wonder if it would have been wiser to have social establishments opt in or out of the ban – as long as they clearly advertise if they are a smoking or non-smoking venue?

I’m not alone. A group, calling themselves "Freedom To Choose", launched a campaign for a judicial review of the smoking ban. They are claiming that the law is in breach of the Human Rights Act 1998, as it does not respect the right to privacy of people who wish to smoke in pubs and social clubs. They haven’t failed just yet; they do have some supporters in high places.

But somehow I think Freedom to Choose are ultimately doomed.

Although the £7 billon the government earn from tobacco tax more than gives change from the £4.5 they spend on care for sufferers of tobacco related diseases… there is one salient point: Fact is, if we knew what we now know about tobacco when it first hit these shores in 1556…we’d never have legalised it.

Which brings me back to that sign in London Ontario. As a society we are good at recognising when we are in breach of peoples human rights. I am so proud of us that we have equal rights for all who wish to marry. I’m just not so sure that that Freedom to Choose have detected a genuine breach in the Human Rights Act by the imposing of the smoking ban.

I think for most people, when it comes to havin’ a fag of your very own, when ever you want, without anyone telling you what you are doing is illegal… you need to be looking at a major life style change. And I don’t mean giving up smoking!