BLOG 258- Mind the Gap!!!

“I’m a cougar apparently”

Sandra Dickinson on marrying Mark Osmond a year ago

I love a good come back. David Niven’s career was supposed to be over. However Otto Preminger cast him in the lead of the movie The Moon is Blue over the objections of studio executives. Niven went on to win the Golden Globe for his performance and the movie was Oscar nominated.

The movie (like many comedies of the period) was interested in the pressing moral and sexual issues of the day. What makes it more famous is that it delivered to popular culture a guideline to what age disparity between two people is acceptable in dating/romantic/intimate relationships. This piece of genius is the ‘Half your age plus seven’ rule. Some 50+ years after this ground breaking sex-comedy did its rounds on the silver screen: when the stars, the director, the accolades and the movie itself have slipped from the wider consciousness, the rule remains. Half your age - plus 7.

I think a chief reason why it has survived is that it does have some merit. Rather than societies general expectation that age differences within a relationship should be that the male be 3 years older than the female in all cases, this rule gives a varying scale based on age.

According to this rule, the age of the younger person should not be less than half the age of the older person plus seven years, so that (for example) no one older than 65 should be in a relationship with anyone younger than 39 and a half, no one older than 22 should be in a relationship with anyone younger than 18, and no one under 14 years of age should be in a relationship at all.

The premise of the rule is based on interests, needs and expectations. When you’re fairly young, it’s better to date people closer to your own age, as you have experienced much less of life, so you are best off with people very close to your age. As you get older, the gap in life experiences becomes less harsh so the age range increases.

Of course, it’s not a real "rule" in any sense of the word, as people may be able to get around it and have a good relationship.  It will always be ridiculous to think that in relationships, there are hard and fast rules. There are not. But the half your age plus 7 rule is something interesting to think about.

Typically sociologists point to a gender difference in expectations with age gap relationships (AGR).  A man who has a much younger partner will see it as a vindication of his masculinity and will expect some longevity in the relationship. Whereas a woman with a younger partner will recognise the relationship primarily as a great ego boost, but won't expect too much of it.

The age disparity outside of the ‘rule’ is typically met with some disdain in most western societies, and various derogatory terms for participants have arisen in the vernacular.  Sugar daddy, trophy wife, cougar/puma, toyboy, cradle snatcher, golddigger, dirty ol’ man. As these terms often imply there is a  socio-economic difference between the partners as well as the ages. Where it can be perceived that social elevation has been purchased via the sale of a partners youth, yet more scorn is poured.

Tina Turner recently married the man she has been dating for the last 27 years. No one could call that a fly by night relationship. The man she married had accumulated his own $50 billion fortune. No one could say he was after her money. But all the papers had to comment on was the 16 year age gap between them. Predictably she was called a cougar and he was referred to as a toy boy (at 57??!!!). Almost every headline read “What’s love got to do with it”.

It is assumed AGRs are not about love, and that another agenda is at play. It is assumed that a younger woman choosing a much older man will be after security. It will be assumed that for a younger man it's more likely to be about sex than power or influence. As both of these things are not constants it is assumed that when these desires are sated a relationship with an AGR outside of the rules will end.

Even where these assumptions are proved false and an AGR excess couple show longevity, they will be forced to confront the age differences. These may not matter at first, but rest assured they will when the gloss has worn off. When these relationships go long term some serious questions about the reality of a much older partner have to be answered.

Let’s use an example that not many women would say no to; George Clooney. Gorgeous George (as he is popularly known) tops just about every chart of male attractiveness, which isn’t bad considering this baby boomer was born way back in 1961! As a consequence he has the choice of the planet’s most attractive women and since his divorce back in 1993 he’s been dating most of them! It must be said that he is a stickler for the rules (where currently his significant other should be 33 at the youngest). But let’s just imagine…  No one would consider a 26 year old hooking up with George as unfortunate… especially if she managed to get him back down the aisle. 

Now then fast forward to Mrs Clooney reaching the same age as her husband is today… Can you do the maths? Yep Gorgeous George will be 78.  She’ll be in her prime at 52 while his health would require vigilistic attention. This is not to say that she would have suddenly become more of a carer that a wife – I am sure Mr Clooney will be as hot in 26 yrs as he has been every day till now – but his risks of heart disease, cancer, memory loss, bone deterioration and vision reduction would have increased notably. Forget having different cultural references as a problem - these are the grim realities of a Baby Boomer/Gen Y long term relationship.

Maybe that’s why you’ll never see George with Gen Y piece of totty on his arm.

That said, James Woods has no problem with ignoring the rules completely. Having split from his 26 year old partner of the last 6 years, 66 year old James debuted his new girlfriend Kristen Bauguess, 20, at the première of his new movie this summer.  Funny enough, the derogatory terms that could be used about a man dating a girl 46 years his junior were kind of thin on the ground.

But hey, who the hell is anyone to judge anyone else. As long as both parties are in a consensual relationship the ages of the parties involved really shouldn't be anyone else’s business. Age should be an indicator of experience but we shouldn't confuse experience, or lack of experience, with maturity. Age alone is not an indicator of maturity: We each mature physically, emotionally and intellectually at varying speeds. 

People finding people to love cannot be a bad thing. To have someone choose you and be prepared to stand up and say “This is my man” or “This is my woman” is  pretty awesome.

But you can’t deny it’s a fascinating sociological development, this whole AGR thing.

As someone who has done it herself my only advice is this. The key to AGRs is not to try to deny the difference, but not to get too hung up about it either. Couples should joke about it a lot, give each other space for their own age-cohort-related activities, and generally enjoy and respect each other as people, which is about as much as any of us have a right to ask from any relationship.   

Because, not all relationships last a lifetime. Same age relationships end too. It depends on the people and the level of commitment.Your mileage, of course, may vary.

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