“He who refuses to learn deserves extinction.” Rabbi Hillel
Nature is a clever process. Dinosaurs seemed like a jolly good idea... but when it became clear that they were never going to make the earth look like the sophisticated planet it now is... Nature threw the ice age at them...and hey presto...the planet moved on.
I like that system. Okay, it’s not perfect. Dino-cousins like frogs, crocodiles and some pretty useless birds are still lingering on... but hey!...they are pushed way back in the food chain and really don’t provide a daily annoyance. It’s a great system overall. Nature chucks out the things that just don’t work. She stuck mankind at the top of the list and as guardians of the blue planet it’s our job to be caretakers of what stays in and what is allowed to die out.
Overall we do a pretty good job. Okay we can’t make up our minds if recycling dinosaurs as fossil fuels will contribute to our downfall... but overall for cousins to apes we’re not too awful as caretakers. We tend to be always on the outlook for better ways of doing things and although we stuff it up on occasion, we seem to be going in the right direction. Or at least it seems that we’ve held off Natures wrath enuf to ensure so far she hasn’t stuck us in the freezer like the last occupants of the job!
And yet there is still a tendency to hold onto things and processes in our everyday life that genuinely do not further our planets or our future. Why oh why do we keep these things going? I have a personal policy – if it is broke...don’t fix it! Side step it like a steaming dog turd and make a better choice. There is always a better choice.
Following a week in which all us residents of the United Kingdom have reflected on what we dislike and passionately let the whole world know, I have had occasion to focus on things that exist on our fair isle that I genuinely believe we would all be the better for the extinction of.
I don’t know WHAT the hell these things are for... they are not nice to look at, they are not nice to smell, they are an offence to taste, they don’t make good hearing and I would not touch them with someone else’s barge pole.
I mean WHY!!... What are we thinking?? The following things should be extinct by now.. I mean REALLY??... we don’t need any of the following things. I implore you, good citizens of the UK... we may be a tiny kingdom, but the world looks to us for leadership on matters of enchantment. There is nothing enchanting about these things... I beg you all to join me in the road to extinction of:
Leggings
Oh please... you really want to have your thighs in cased in sausage skins? Either you are wearing trousers or tights (panty hose). There is no need for a combo of both. If you have ever been behind someone wearing these monstrosities you will know the view of their undergarments through the thin material is not something that spreads joy. There is no need for leggings to be worn in public. And no... no one believes that you need them for your dance class, you convince no one that you are only sporting these eyesores because you are an athlete.
Wheelie Bins
What ...you never noticed they are a complete eyesore? Time was corrugated metal circular bins stood proud in people’s gardens. They were discrete and designed to hold household rubbish. Waste disposal teams would remove the contents weekly and we all lived happily ever after. But no more. Suddenly every council has a corporate colour and bins are only available by the lurid colour choices made by the administrators of bin emptying services. To add insult to injury, weekly collections are extinct and replaced by gargantuan wheelie bins that hold enough refuse for a month! One cannot bear to look out into ones front garden anymore for fear of the luminous miniskip on wheels looking back a one... hence why our nation of gardeners have one by one elected to tarmac over what once were pretty gardens.
Polystyrene plates
What the hell are these for? Either a plate is permanent and made of china or it is disposable and made of paper. Who wasted time inventing these silly hybrids! They don’t work! If I wanted to saw through the meat into the wood I’d slap it straight down on the table! Get rid... and now!
Coursework
Can we please go back to just sitting exams? The youth of today live in permanent stress-zone when it comes to education. In my day, you showed up to class, listened to the blah blah blah, did an essay or two to prove you have the concept down and did an exam at the end to prove you remember it. Exams were a bit stressy but nothing a few crib notes, a bit of revising and a whole heap of chocolate couldn’t see you through. Now some nutter decided everything should be 'modular' and kids have their educational temperature taken ever five minutes. My son nearly has curvature of the spine from the weight of his school bag, poor chap is lugging tomes of stuff to and from school in the name of coursework. In addition it’s like exam week every week as if this coursework is not completed he will fail the subject regardless of a brilliant exam performance at the end. No wonder kids give up on school early and think their school days are torture! Best days of your life?... PAH!
Reportage
Who actually needs 24hr news, half the time the story is incomplete! I saw a report on a 24hr news channel last week in which a reporter stood outside a building where she THOUGHT something was going on, and told us what MIGHT be happening inside! Look, where I come from that is called spreading rumours! I don’t care for your opinion on what might be happening missy, I want to know what IS happening and if you don’t know, I suggest we go back to having three news slots a day to give you time to find out.
Small dogs
NO ONE should trip over a dog. Or indeed carry it your hand bag. Please get a grip, if its legs are too small to manage to walk... it is not a dog. Walkies are a major reason why we persist in keeping these dependant beasts. They justify the perambulation of our streets at obscure hours... on your own walking around your neighbourhood just to ‘stretch your legs’ looks plan odd, but put a dog on a lead and suddenly you are purposeful. When the dog is so microscopic it looks like you are walking a leather belt ... then it's too damn small! And don’t start me on dogs who have to be carried! You know it is nonsense... nature would never have designed a canine on this teeny-tiny scale, it just doesn’t work. Canines under knee height should be boycotted. If you want something smaller... get a cat.
Loved ones Tattoos
REALLY?? you cannot remember your children’s names? REALLY? The only way you can remember young Chardonnay and Dareen Junior is to ink their names into your skin? And your parents... known to the world as Elsie and George but have a different complicated name for your use which you can never recall without reading your own skin?..So you HAVE to get Mum tattooed on your right arm and Dad tattooed on your left, for easy reference? Come on... you MUST know how absolutely daft you look. To the laser clinic with you now and stop the madness.
Psychics
If they can see into the future ...Why can they not just see next weeks lotto numbers and take early retirement? These people are frauds, we know it, they know it and yet the hope that the future is mapped out and we can get early preview prevails. It is ridiculous! The only accurate prediction a psychic will EVER make is that your purse will be lighter ater seeing them.
Beetroot & Celery
If the stain lasts longer than the taste why even bother, beetroot is a waste of time. Don’t even start me on the pointlessness of celery. These plants exist to feed animals much lower down the food chain – not us. They flag it to up to us with the massive levels of effort we must go to make them palatable for human consumption. Take the hint.
Ornamental coffee tables
Are we really so short of ways of bashing our shin bones? This is the furniture equivalent of a small dog. We persist on buying them because they are cute and miniature and then one day we trip over them and curse the day we brought the useless thing home. You don’t need one – and if you persist in having one in your home...one day it will kill you. You have been warned.
Superfoods
Sorry you REALLY you can’t tell when crap is being repackaged with false claims? It is no coincidence that every single superfood that has recently discovered attributes that will help you live forever are the same foods that were always discounted at Saturday closing time because no one bought them. Because they are awful. And they taste like poo. Please be aware that this subject covers green tea and pomegranate juice also. The clue is in the taste!
Zumba
Because most of us do not live in Brazil (SORRY YOU DON’T...REALLY!) I applaud any fun way to get fit ( I find alcohol works for me... next day the hangover reduces my appetite and the running back and forth to the loo is very toning on the thighs). BUT there is something about this brazillian exercise regime turns people into zealots... “WHAT... you’ve not gone to Zumba??... OMG how are you still alive??” Oh get over it... I’m glad shaking your booty like you are in Rio keeps you fit - but like Aerobics and Pole dancing before it... this exercise fad too will pass... and some of us will never try it... and live. REALLY.
Hairsculpting Superstars
I get it sharp implements need respect – but the Crimper? No, not so much ...it’s not art, it’s a haircut, get over it! Time was the trimming of hair and the positioning of rollers was something your hairdresser did. But now they are artistes who SCULPT. They create looks. They have ranges of stuff named after them. And you have a better chance of spending a Saturday morning with the Dali Lama than getting an appointment. And if you do... you will leave behind the equivalent of the down payment of a house in Chelsea for the priviledge... AND be expected to leave a tip. Only to go home and wash it out just so that you can start to look like someone you recognise. I mean really... what the hell is “product”.?.. what ever happened to hairspray and a touch of gel?
Non waterproof mascara
Eyes water. It’s what they do. Girls wear mascara to make the lashes around the eyes look longer. I get that. So why do they sell mascara in the non waterproof variety? How often do I buy this by mistake, then get caught in the rain and look like a member of the band Kiss. Non waterproof mascara should that be extinct by now. I don’t get it... we need that option because??? (Answers on a post card please.)
BB pins
Smart phones do not make people very smart. They use them for billions of functions but no one seems to be using them to TALK on. Surely the key word in the descriptor is PHONE. I know they can do smart things, but at the end of the day...it is a phone. I have had my Blackberry for over a month and I still don’t know what on earth a BB pin is... not that it stops people sending me theirs. Please... it is a phone. If you want to contact me.. press dial... lets chat. I know how to do that. Smart!
Local Heroes
Let’s face facts; the locality was an accident of geography not the making of them. Yes Bob Hope was from Eltham... but he really didn’t put it on the map. It was there before. I checked. Can we please celebrate a person’s achievement and not the fact their mum happened to pop em out near your local co-op. Less time praising the town for its famous sons or daughters, and more time encouraging others towards the same levels of greatness.
So that’s me list for now... let's not hang onto things that should naturally be extinct... lets move on.
Fellow custodians of future... we can do this, we can eradicate these annoyances, and move into the bright new dawn knowing we have progressed not just ourselves and our nation... but the world!
Oh Mother Nature will be so proud!
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