POCKET FRIENDS: a group of friends that you keep separate from another group for fear of incompatibility or just manageability Urban Dictionary
It came to light recently that some of the albums of photos I have on Facebook are not available to view to all of my friends. This was not news to me...I have almost 200 albums on Facebook and even my closest Facebook friend has access to well under half of those. I would love to say that this is because I lead an intriguing existence, or that some of my photographs are that compromising that I must censor public viewing... but that is not the case. Fact is I keep my friends separate and I can’t imagine that anything would be as dull as sifting through an album of photos in which you know no one. Thus I only add the names of those to which the photos may have some interest in the view box.
It had not occurred to me that I was censoring out those who do not share the same group of friends... I was simply ensuring that different pocket of friends get to see keepsakes of times that actually may mean something to them.
However, it has also come to light that some of my friends are rather put out that I actively go out of my way to keep my pockets of friends separate. There is a school of thought that if I get on with someone well enough to consider them a friend... then surely that means that they must have something in common with others that I have given the same title to.
Well... ah...no.
Not for me anyway.
If I were to think of myself as an inanimate object, I would probably say that I am like a fifty pence piece. Back in 1969, when Britain was preparing for a switch over to a new currency, this strange coin landed among us. The shape of the new coin, an equilateral curve heptagon, was revolutionary. It was substantial in worth and size and hard to mistake for anything else. But above all in a world dominated by round coins...it had 7 edges. And sure, by the 1980’s the 50p had become so familiar that the same design was used for the demure 20p, but the 50p remains the coin that first did the whole currency thing differently.
Now I’m not saying for a moment that I’m a silver coloured cupro-nickel coin of the realm... but I am saying that like the 50p, I don’t have just one smooth edge that fits with everything else. Depending on which way around I am – I have a whole different edge. This means that I have been able to be the edge that fits neatly into a whole heap of disparate groups. Disparate - what a perfect word meaning as it does...containing or made up of fundamentally different and often incongruous elements. Though not the kind of word associted with circles of friends where a word such as homogenised - formed by blending- would be such a more appropraite word.
It was pointed out to me as strange that so few of my friends know each other. At least... – after all I’m a sociable being. It has been noted that I have thrown a lot of parties and hosted quite a notable amount of outings... I SHOULD have probably introduced the different groups to each other by now. But (one or two notable exceptions asides) I keep each group of friends in different pockets. I long ago came to the conclusion that the ONLY thing any of these people have in common is knowing me... and I’m pretty sure that given my 50p like quality that none know the same side of me at all.
It would make for an unpleasant experience for all involved if I were to (as they said in Star Wars) ‘cross the streams’. Sometimes things work perfectly in censure and I just feel it would be foolhardy to try to mend what isn’t remotely broken.
I know that the received wisdom is that ones friends should be a reflection of ones education, aspirations, age and geography. I am reliably told that it is those similarities that give you plenty of experiences to base a friendship on. And yet this process has never really worked for me (not that I can with one hand on heart and the other on a holy book say that I have actually given this process much of a try). But I am aware of it!
The first question asked on the road to friendship is ‘What do you do?’Apparently one may glean from the person’s response their education, ability to generate wealth, and their aspirations. This is beneficial in that a person’s chosen method of earning a living reveals whether or not the potential friend is travelling in tandem with where you are at/heading. To make absolutely sure that the potential friend is completely compatible one must ascertain their age as early as possible. The received wisdom is that the many advantages of having friends that are close to your own age group outweigh any benefit of having friends that are not. It’s all about having grown up having the same cultural references. More than that is usually means that you will be at the same stage in life. The final key thing to establish as early as possible is geography because again a similarity here will ensure similar cultural references as well as ease of continued contact.
Yeee Gotts!!! Doesn’t that sound like something out of a Jane Austen novel!!! HELLO Two thousand and eleven! My top ten dearest friends I would site a mature student (32), a driving instructor (27), a trainee nurse(51), a tour operator (23), a trainee merchandiser(19), a translator (49), an accountant (30), a stay at home mum (38), a football writer (29) and an unemployed banker (45). Their locations range from walking distance from my house to a coastal city on the Pacific.
I clearly did not apply the Jane Austen method of establishing a thread of compatibility which could later be used to cross pollinate to expand the circle. I relate to people on an emotional level, that really doesn’t leave a lot of room for practicalities.
I had no idea the merchandiser was a first jobbing teenager when we 1st met. But I did find out that we share a love of the same music and lately of pear cider.(If we had never become close buddies...I would have died without knowing the purpose of pears in the universe!) Although my geography was almost identical to my translator buddy at the start we now only have the same continent in common – but what bonds us is so much more than miles. (We have found low-cost airlines very useful in being able to keep up physical contact but the internet much more useful in keeping us linked daily- we are closer now than ever before.) If someone told me one of my dearest buddies would be a young middle class gay guy from the Home Counties I would have gently nudged them towards therapy. But he is and the ‘What do you do’ question wouldn’t have helped one bit as he couldn’t have found more working class employment! At the other end of the scale my girlfriend who was a huge cheese in one of the biggest banks in the square mile for many a year doesn’t even have a job (or a bank)anymore! Also at home is a mum whose children are well established into the last part of their schooling and do not require as much hands on care as her title may imply. As for education – 2 of my dearest buds are students at 32 and 51 respectively whilst my accountant friend of 30 finished her long training before either had completed their college application forms and yet all three share with me friendships built on a deep emotional bond.
You see “What do you do?” reveals nothing about them or me or our relationships. What someone does in THAT way reveals nothing about a person that will ever be useful to me (unless of course they happen to earn a crust by being locksmith –see Blog 149). However, it is the English obsession beyond health and the weather to make this enquiry and I do wonder what on earth it is supposed to reveal. As for age...I love each and every one of my friends as they are a perfect match for the side of me that needs them. Looking at my top ten it’s obvious that I love my 19 year old friend (and the 8 friends that lie between the poles) as much as my 51year old one.
BUT... looking at that top ten... do they each know each other?
NOT through me they don’t. I really do not wish to be the hub of a group of well integrated people. All seven edges of the 50p are on the same coin....it just wasn’t made to be smooth edged enough to roll with the other coins.
I like the splintered circle I have around me. I can be the me I need to be with no compromises by keeping my groups of friends separate.Some people want different things from you and some people you want different things from. I find it cannot be achieved by homogenising my relationships with the special people I call my friends.
It’s hard to break it down into the roles we play for each other but I’ll give it a go with my top 10 friends.
My driving instructor buddy needs a young head on old shoulders to chat to and my trainee nurse friend needs to guide a lost soul...and I need to be both of those people. My tour operator friend needs to be loyal and have it appreciated... and I need to be that person. My mature student friend needs someone to be mum’s with... and I need to be that person. My stay at home mum friend needs someone to look down on and my merchandiser friend needs someone to look up to ... and I need to be both of those people. My unemployed banker friend needs someone to be a crazy cougar with and my translator friend needs someone to be reflective and dignified with... and I need to be both those people. My accountant friend needs someone to educate about rock music and my football writer friend needs someone to dance to old skool classics with...and I need to be both those people.
I’m an intellectual, I’m an airhead, I’m political, I’m a dancer, I’m common as muck, I’m mean and I’m charitable. It’s ALL me.
I just can’t be all the me’s inside without dumbing something down... so it’s easier to keep it all separate - “not to cross the streams”.
(Argggh... that’s movie buff me slipping out there!)
So yes... there it is. The smooth blending of friends into one homegogenous group is not going to occur - there will be no smooth edges. 'This is how we roll' is not something yo will hear me say... more like this is how I bump along like the many sided 50p I am. Or multifaceted as a kinder person once said.
And now a note to my friends who were concerned that they are ‘blocked’ from certain albums!
“Guilty as charged on the pocket friends charged. I do spend time in disparate groups. Sometimes that may not include the group you are in. And yes sometimes these times are caught on film. And yes Facebook is a great storage site for photos. But sharing is something that I just don’t do outside of the pocket. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you or value you. Having pocket friends means that you only get the meyou wanted to become friends with. It means we have the best and most uncompromised times when we are hanging out – and I won’t be sharing OUR pics with all and sundry. And to be honest when you look at the photo’s you CAN see that DO feature you.... AREN’T YOU GLAD?!!!”
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