“Men are cowards, we'd rather wait till the end of time than give a woman bad news”Greg Behrendt
It's the third day of 2011. And once again my inbox is full of messages from girlfriends saying they met a wonderful man over the holidays and they are just waiting for him to call. In their fevered imaginations a first date looms for the new year and with it infinite possibilities of a life free from the shelf.
The shelf is not a place where women of innate hotness sit comfortably... every moment upon it is accompanied by the deafening soundtrack of questions regarding how on earth it could be that a woman of such wit, beauty and desirability could possibly be there in the first place. It rocks self esteem to the core... watching the girls of lesser vantage be snapped up while your status remains unchosen. Thus the party season at the end of the year is much anticipated by the singleton women of my acquaintance. For many the general bonhomie of the season has resulted in contact details being exchanged with a man who lavished attention upon them at one of Yuletide gatherings. And, of course, he promised to call.
You know, it grieves me how much time sensible intelligent women spend checking phones. Alexander Bell designed the damn things with a loud tinkle to attract your attention should there ever be someone at the other end. Please stop staring at your phone! Pardon me for stating the obvious... if it isn't ringing... no one is calling.
Thing is part of the sport of a party is to flirt. It's a much a part of the event for a man as buying a new outfit is for a woman. And as much as most women probably indulged their appetite for alcohol and nibbles to excess over the party season, so it is that many men may have said 'I'll call you' in excess too. Men enjoy a good flirt and they can see by the twinkle in your eye you did too and they wish to exit the moment on high. So they walk away with an exchange of contact details and an “I'll call you” and hope that the subtlety of a non ringing phone would be enough to convince you it was just flirting.
I know it was just a movie, but Nora Ephron knew what she was talking about when she wrote that line in Harry met Sally: “When (a man) realises he has met the person he wants to spend (time with), he'd like (time with that person) to start as soon as possible”.
Fact is, if a man genuinely likes you... he'll call.
Waiting around for a date on an “I'll call you” is the equivalent of trying to board a flight with just a vague travel agent quote. I keep saying this over and over to my friends but it falls on deaf ears. I looked at my inbox today and even my most sensible of acquaintances have had their head turned by some Yuletide flirting and are still waiting for 'schedules to clear' so that first date can take place. Oh dear... so little changes from when we were 15 and all this was new. At least then we had ignorance as an excuse. HOW CAN I MAKE THIS CLEARER...., you do NOT have a ticket to board this flight, so will you please leave the first date departure lounge.
Maybe the travel analogy was too hard. Let's try something we all understand. Cats.
Have you ever seen a cat with a toy on a string, they bound blindly after it and perform all kinds of feats to catch it. I'm yet to see a cat chase after a stationary object. Of course if you draw its attention to a stationary object... out of boredom they may reach out a languid paw and bat it a few times – but they are not engaged with it. They know they have it there but it have no real interest in it. They are hard-wired to chase and capture. It's nature.
Not saying men are like cats per-Se but there is a loose analogy here. Men like to chase after what they want and jump through hoops to possess it. They just aren't too good a valuing what they can come by easily. They actually really like not knowing if they can get something and (especially when the chase has been a long one) really value the prize when they've caught it.
So you can sit by the phone or you can send him social networking messages, you could even 'accidentally on purpose' run into him – but the fact remains... he never called you. And in that lies the clue. He was just flirting, he doesn't want it to go any further than that.
One e-mail I received had an acquaintance asking me whether or not she should ask the gentleman out as it has now been two weeks since she last heard from him. She claims to have had such chemistry with him when they met and he did call a couple of days after they met saying he was really crazy at work right now but he'd love to see her when his schedule calmed down.
I know it's unfashionable in these days of 'sisters doing it for themselves' but as my wise friend Miki said only recently “You should never have to ask for what you naturally deserve”. Yes there has been a gender revolution... and yes, women can and do and are able to do all kind of things they were barred from due to possession of breasts and a uterus. Women are powerful and have control to lead full eventful lives,and I for one am grateful for it. But what is more empowering than someone trying to secure YOUR attention. Give that power away at your will girls, but I for one will not chuck that away reverse the situation.
So I'm afraid I e-mailed my friend back and advised against putting herself in the role of a stationary toy to a bored cat.
Look, I'm no relationship expert. Especially as after all I'm still single... so what do I know you are probably thinking. But, having had over a quarter century of long term relationships and now being on the front line of grown dating for the past half a decade does give me the unique perspective. I have a deep understanding of both camps and what it takes to move from one to the other. And to quote my wise friend again (who is successfully and happily married)“You should never have to ask for what you naturally deserve”.
If there was chemistry enough to be a spring board to a relationship... he'll call. A woman does not HAVE to ask... no matter what century she is in.
Men are inspired to do remarkable things to find a partner. Crazy schedules, complicated lives, lack of contact details... nothing will stop a man if he is really interested in a woman.
I've known them travel great distances just to be with the one they think they want to know better. I've known them to risk being spurned by friends and family to give it a try with the 'unsuitable girl' they just can't get out of their mind. I've known them to ring every H. Smith in the phone book just to find the one called Haley that they were chatting to in a bar.
A couple of facts:
Men know how to use phones.
Men know how to respond to a message.
And if they don't call you. And if they don't answer your message. It's because they don't want to take things any further with you.
So this is my new year address to all the women who have exchanged numbers with a guy this past party season:
HIS ACTIONS ARE SCREAMING THE TRUTH: HE WAS JUST FLIRTING!!!
Now, step away from the phone. Stop checking Facebook. Get out of the dating departure lounge as you don't have a ticket.
There is a fresh new year of infinite possibilities out there, one of them may well be a date but if it is... he'll call you, so right now there is a full and eventful life waiting to be lived. And IT is definitely calling you... RIGHT NOW!!!!
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