Blog 19 BOOM BANG A BANG

A man in an orange shirt and a moustache that will later inspire the village people steps out onto the stage in Stockholm. He has just been diswayed from carrying his gun on stage with him. He knows what he is about to do is risky. He is to sing a song in his native language celebrating the revolution that happened in his land the previous year.

The previous year a secret signal heralded the end of decades of fascist rule in Portugal with a military coup: The Secret signal….first the airing of the song E Depois do Adeus by Paulo de Carvalho, Portugal's entry in the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest, which alerted the rebel captains and soldiers to begin the coup.

Hang on!! Did you just say Fascism ended in Portugal because of EUROVISON???

Oh yes sweetie… I did. And you thought it was JUST the voting that political about this orgy of spangles, and feathers! There is more to Eurovision than the songs – always has been.

European Broadcasting Union (a misnomer if I ever heard one as membership is not limited to those from European countries and the Mediterranean.. .anyone can join!) started a little contest for their members to put forward a song for Europe. It has gone on to become one of the most viewed events on this planet… last nights event (the 54th) had 100 million viewers glued to their goggle boxes.

Of course it is also one of the most loved and loathed events ever – what with it’s over the top kitschy performances.

Critics say it is just a circus of mediocre songwriting and embarrassing acts…. After all Finland once won it dressed as monsters and growling unintelligibly! But even for those who can't appreciate the singing grudgingly note its entertainment value… Eurovision is known for its fabulous stage and lighting displays, preferably involving smoke machines and lots of pyrotechnics.

Which may explain why for every person bad mouthing the event there are 2 more who adore it … and another 10 who throw parties.

Thing is those of us who get(OH YES….I am sooo in that camp) REALLY get it. We know that the Eurovision song contest is so bad it's good. And anything that good deserves a party.

Eurovision parties offer the chance to wear the most extraordinary and outrageous outfits. Costumes can involve a complete outfit including shoes, or simply a wig, feather boa, or stage makeup. A cape could come in handy for an attention-grabbing costume reveal. Eurovision costumes can be from any year since the first contest in 1956, so you can find inspiration from anywhere in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s....and beyond!

I have been known to attend parties dressed as a country (my Norway costume is still talked about), as a presenter (I went one year as Katie Boyle and my partner Terry Wogan) and yesterday my facebook friends helped me decide whether to do as Gina Gee or Bucks Fizz!

The parties are fabulous… If dressing up isn’t enough the games alone reward handsomely with such activities as silly sweepstakes – with prize money to the place winners or drinking games ( take a drink for every bad pun from the presenters, strange English lyrics, costume reveals, and so on). It is also a chance to get out all those ‘bad taste’ items and run them to full effect…such as disco and strobe lights, lava lamps, smoke machines and bubble machines. Dressing up, Drinking, Singing, Gambling... what is not to love!

It is the one night a year that you can just revel in the silliness of being part of the global family of CAMP.

Of course the event is very political … As if the tactical voting wasn't enough, the tempation to uses the stage to 100 million people tempts those with causes. Georgia’s entry was banned this year as it was too political (they mentioned their recent war). Gay rights protesters tried to have a demo in Moscow (who were this years hosts) and were persuaded by force that it was not a good idea. This years winner (a violin playing boy from Norway) said that banning the protesters was silly as (and I quote) “The show itself is the biggest Gay parade in the world!”

I feel sad for people who don’t quite get Eurovision… I think it is because they hook onto the word SONG and expect to be watching American Idol! That's not what Eurovision is about...it's not a rags to riches tail for some unrecorded karaoke starlet.

No No No! Eurovision is a long drawn out process. Each year each country must write a load of original songs, get people to perform it, vote for the one they like in national televised event. Having one so they then enter a knock out competition to win a place in the final. This year 42 countries entered a song in the knock out competition… 25 made it to the final. Eurovision night is the night when those who make it to the final must perform their song live to all the countries who belong to EBU... nationas that include Canada, Australia and China as well as the European ones. The event is live . no backing tracks, no editing. The countries who have entered in initial rounds now get some power as they along with the finalist countries get to vote for the one they like the best.

This is true people power... what ever the majority have voted for wins.

Given such a huge stage the songs for this contest attract the great and the good as well as the aspirational and clearly deluded. Entries have been submitted by composers such as Andrew Lloyd Webber (who wrote this years UK entry) and performers include the like of Celine Dion (who sung Switzerland’s entry). But the tricky thing is to appeal to 100 million people who speak different languages and have vastly different cultures. You will see and hear things that do not sit well your musical taste … so those expecting American Idol are of course bitterly disappointed. (And not just by Finland’s growling monsters and the like)

Though it is true that if you watch Eurovision, you will hear great music …occasionally.

The most played Eurovision song is Nel Blu Di Pinto Di Blu. You have heard it sooo many times! It won a Grammy. All the greats have rushed to record it..including Frank Sinatra, David Bowie and Paul McCartney. What do you mean you can’t remember it?... You sing it in EVERY Italian restaurant!... Yes the song commonly known as Volare (ooh ooh) was Italy’s 1958 entry.

Of course, if you sing in English you do increase your chances of winning. 23 of the winners have sung in English. This has been most successful for Ireland have won it on 7 occassions… 3 times with the songs written by Australian born Johnny Logan. And of course the reason why that man wearing the dreadful orange shirt was singing in Stockholm in 1975 was that Abba had won for Sweden the previous year by singing a little dity called Waterloo in English.

Of course you can’t mention winning songs without mentioning one of the Eurovision’s most entertaining and scandalous procedures… the voting!

With the vast majority of countries taking part being based in Europe - it is amusing to watch how votes are inspired NOT by what you have just seen on stage… but by how much trade you wish to do with your neighbours… or in some cases it is a simple demonstration of who a nation just can’t stand!

Neighbouring nations do like to reward each other. Turkey and Azerbaijan gave maximum points to each other this year… anyone who used to be Yugoslavia voting for each other and Greece gaving max points to Cyprus. Meanwhile Albania and Bulgaria (who are right next door to Greece) thought Greece should get their top marks. Cultral simularities mean preicable support from some countries to each other. Finland have a stupid language only understood outside their borders by Estonia… so gave Estonia top marks. Moldova speaks Romanian.. so they got maximum points. Then you get the who hates who marks… what a pity Ireland were knocked out in the qualifiers… I love watching them mark the United Kingdom. On the subject of which …when we dragged Europe into America’s 2nd Gulf War… we got nil points! That’ll teach us… this year when we pulled our troops out we finished in the top five!

Not that being scandalous limits itself to the voting… all sorts of tricks are pulled during the performances themselves. From semi naked beautiful women to pandering to the host nation to dragging a nations prestige list on stage, it's shocking what entrants will do to win. We thought we could sway the judges by having our world renowned composer on stage to detract from the unknown singer we submitted…. BUT those upstaging Germans thought they could cover up an appalling song by inviting Miss Dita Von Teese on stage! SHE’S NOT EVEN GERMAN!!!

Over the years we’ve had Israel’s tran-sexual, Ukraine’s, erotic Carpathian dancer, and let use not forget a very pregnant glamour model singing in a pink cat suit… (okay the last one was Jordan and in the end the nation sent Gina Gee to sing for us instead as even WE have some standards).

The interval is almost better than the show… over the years we have been introduced to every form of entertainment imaginable. Some with real WOW factor like the first international performance of Riverdance and some that generate the only three words you could say... WHAT THE F@*K???!!!! This year our host had a link up to astronauts in space!

The winners have the honour of having to stage it the following year… this years shindig cost the Russians 33 million Euro. They looked quite relieved to have lost this year. It is the only show where the winner actually wins a great big fat bill!!!

It is a quirky, mental, extravagant, pointless, festival.

But … WOW! I love it.

Next year the 55th show will be held in Norway. Can’t come around soon enough.