BLOG 12 : SEX and the chitty

One of our most treasured myths is that sex.. in the normal play... is free.

My dear friend Jonny Bristol said as much to me only earlier this afternoon. We were talking about the recession...(oh isn't it great to be able to say that word at last... don't know about you but the words 'credit crunch' make me think of Breakfast cereal rather than global economy)... and anyway, Jonny says, he is finding that in his circle people are a lot more perky about the prospect of horizontal jogging as it is the last free activity left in these penny pinching times.
But then Jonny Bristol resides in the West Country (as did I many moons ago) and it is not for lack of interest in other activities that the comely maidens and gents of those westward counties find hay rolling such a temptation.. but the distinct lack of them! Put quite simply down in the western corner of these sceptred isles.. there is bugger all else to do, recession or no!

Here in the metropolis, things are somewhat different... diversion is something that we need not struggle for.London did not get nor retain its title as the worlds most exciting capital, by being mundane. We have the arts, ballet, opera, galleries by the yard and of course we also have on tap the highest level of commercial theatre in the English -speaking world. We're not stuck for a few restaurants, bars and clubs across our thirty two boroughs... and we are quite a host for live music and sporting events. Our river frontage has iconic status - instantly recognisable ...dotted as it is with architecture loved, hated, debated or simply endured for hundreds and hundreds of years. Our public open spaces the envy of the world (think Green Chain Walk, Russell Square Gardens, Victoria Park, Greenwich Park to name but a few). Oh yes London, unlike its provincial cousins, does not have a problem entertaining its folk.. as Mr Johnson famously wrote..."“when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life”. We Londoners do not take intimacy as a save-all from tedium. And we CERTAINLY could not do so as an exercise in cost cutting. Sex... in London at least is possibly the most expensive thing you could do!

When I lived in Devon, the only requirement to a night of passion were scrumpy...a lethal infusion of cider that was guaranteed to get even a catholic novitiate in the mood... and access to somewhere secluded. I kid you not... if someone smiled at you the right way in town all that was required to take it further was the will (or at least the will to consume enough scrumpy to think you had the will) and a place. The place could be anything... barns were great..hence the popularity of the term 'a roll in the hay'... but otherwise a surprising amount of ingenuity came to play! Personal grooming involved not smelling bad, and having a fashionable haircut. Personal style involved wearing what everyone else did. Drink we have covered but food....well to be honest culinary treats involved going to Porky's and getting a burger and chips on the way home (if he REALLY liked you). Yes... back in that time and at that geography... Sex REALLY WAS a cheap diversion! And, lucky, lucky Johnny Bristol still has access to this.

Oh never a truer word said than when my father muttered "Time and Geography have not been on my side"... though he was moaning about missing an eclipse, I will stretch the quote to cover my point... in 2009 in London...sex is bloody expensive!

Lets leave out the modern minefield of actually being able to meet someone with whom sex is even the vaguest of possibilities... lets just take this from the point where numbers have been exchanged and further contact has been arranged.

So you have a place arranged to meet. Can't go straight for a meal or an activity ..new etiquette insists you meet for a pre-date snack/drinks first... as heaven forbid you sit in a restaurant stone cold sober or actually hungry! So you booked the pre-date venue, then secured the main event venue... but if the first venue is say a after work 7pm meet and the table (say you are going for that meal) is booked for 8-8.30... even if things go well you would be out of there for 11pm at a crawl! What if you got on... you'll HAVE to go on... you need either a late night drinking venue or a dance floor. Even if you split the cost 50/50... this is NOT going to be the cheapest night of the year.... you better pray that there is only ONE cab ride home. (more of THAT later!)

Then there is the personal grooming... it's not enough to just not smell of pigs trotters. There are all sorts of body parts that must be filed, shaped and in many cases have their natural colour disguised. Gone are the days when a man could have the grit from a days work beneath his nails or a woman could have nails that didn't end in a 1/4 inch of glossy white paint! One may not smell of anything you may have naturally come across in your day.. before leaving to meet a potential sex partner one must dowse all body parts with water and a variety of chemical solutions. Quite a lot of the chemical solutions involve your hair...ones to make it clean in shiny and a whole heap to sculpt, mould or hold. And on the subject of hair.. it ain't just the stuff on top of your head! One must remove stray hairs (gentlemen too... it is now no longer acceptable for either gender to sport the uni-brow look). Things must be shaved and clipped and shaped... and no I do not mean just a gentleman’s' beard... ladies too. Have you been watching TV lately... seen the Veet ad that likens 'lady hair' to topiary? It's not the fact that every bush that the ladies pass in their travel neaten themselves up... it's the closing line "What ever your Style" Yep... something new to worry about, it used to be enough to keep it neat but now you must have a STYLE??! But face fact do you want sex or not...for this is NOT the hurdle you want to fall at..personal grooming has been categorised entry level stuff .


Okay we are groomed and we have places scheduled in to provide the back drop. So now you have to find an outfit. Oh yes... this will be something you have NOT been seen in before, but something that does not look too new so you can say convincingly ' what this old thing' - cause heaven forbid you get caught trying too hard! This outfit must set the scene of what is to come... you are fearless, your are imaginative, you are what must be had NOW. It's a lot to ask a mute concoction of fabric and thread to shout... but that is fashion darling. So a quick jaunt to the shops is called for. But do bear in mind that not only has this outfit got to be a la mode...it must also look good in TWO venues...always with the nagging thought that if you go on to go dancing afterwards...that'll be THREE venues! You can say vintage as much as you like...clothes that suggest that they will also look good on the bedroom floor are seldom found in your local branch of Scope.

Okay its 7pm. London has the disadvantage of having millions of restaurants serving thousands of dishes from around the world. Unlike living a small town where you HAVE to take your date to the local pub as there is nowhere else... London forces you to choose. However, given this imported etiquette of pre-date drinks there are now many restaurants that also have a full service bar. You've ordered cocktails downed a couple whilst getting chatter going with your dining partner. You go through for dinner. Now then... quandary....save cost by NOT having starter... but ending meal sooner then having to buy expensive drinks after meal... no defo have all three courses and definitely share the wine... but more in their glass than yours. However... entrees do not come with veg and you can't be seen to just wolf down a steak on its own.... there are a thousand financial hurdles during the course of the meal... you just have to accept that the restaurant has you by the topiaries! THEY know you need their ambiance to set the scene to make that bedroom action happen. And they know you are horney enough to stump up.

If the dancing didn't happen because the body language was screaming my place or yours.....you still don't save too much cash as your next big expense is the cab. Trouble with London is that nothing is exactly on your doorstep.. residential has in most cases remained not the same criteria as commercial property. Thus a good bar club or restaurant would not be located in a residential area. If you live north of the river... you know you will not be seeing any change from twenty quid. If you live south of the river you know we are talking trust fund money. A wise move is to book a hotel in town for the night as it cost the same as a cab to south London... BUT.. find me a date who doesn't find the whole 'they had a hotel booked and it was the FIRST DATE!' thing a major turn off. Despite the fact you couldn't have anything more planned than a date... the whole thing is supposed to feel spontaneous... so it really comes back to the oldest question... my place...or yours.

So... you and your amore crash through the door of your pad. Yup distinct lack of barns in London, and besides you HAVE to have your own place or access to something that passes as your own place. Elderly parents waiting up and asking if you 'had a nice evening dear' are really NOT the route to passion. Is it just me... but it seems only in movies does the living room get by-passed! There is the ritual of the checking out the cd/dvd collection whilst drinking a 'night cap'. Okay not of the ovaltine variety...and yes the alcohol injection just before the bedroom is always a good plan.... but this means if it's happening in your place.. you've topped up your liquor cabinet to include some stuff you don't normally drink....just in case.

Finally! You are in the bedroom. The pennies spent on some fabulous new underwear/lingerie at this point proving rather a satisfying investment... the quids on a nice sized container of latex friends even more so.

So let’s look at the chitty shall we? To get to this point on Thursday night in London.... in hard cash?... Let’s see... personal grooming, manicure, date outfit, lingerie/underwear, condoms, cocktails, meal, wine, cab, extras in the drinks cabinet..... Shall I tell you?

Put it this way... you would have rented a small flat in Chelsea for 8 nights. Not really something you wanna do whilst we are in the grips of recession and we are all claiming to draw the horns in. Unfortunately we forget about that the moment we get the horn.
Yup... the sex was definitely free.... but it cost ya...just the same!