BLOG 38: GHOSTS in the machine

GHOSTS IN THE MACHINE

It is wonderful that five thousand years have now elapsed since the creation of the world, and still it is undecided whether or not there has ever been an instance of the spirit of any person appearing after death. All argument is against it; but all belief is for it.

SAMUEL JOHNSON

Since becoming freelance, I have reaped the benefit of not having to request a day off to get things done. I have been able to get the boiler serviced, new glass in the porch, new locks fitted, a new shower installed and the front of the house painted. These things have been on the list for years… but when I was a wage monkey it was easier to get into Area 51 and be photographed with alien remains than get management to sign a day off request! It is a huge relief to be actually able to get these things done at last.

However, the downside is that I seem to spend an awful lot of time making tea or coffee for workmen who wish to chat. Of course I could just refuse… but then do I actually wish them to do a good job or not? If I want a good job done, I must put kettle on, serve hot milky sweeten liquid and a selection of biscuits. I also must listen to why it is men are superior to women, scarily right wing politics and a whole heap of ailments. But recently, I had a chatty workman who broke the mould.

Fred wasn’t an ordinary painter and decorator. NO. Fred may appear to work alone… but he doesn’t. On the side of his van was painted in copperplate gothic text – FRED AND FLORENCE - High Quality Property Maintenance. I made the coffee (not tea had to be coffee for health reasons), and listened to the list of ailments that Fred was battling with. He advised me how Florence had suggested to him that seeking medical assistance was something he should do even though he was resistant (‘never been to a quack in 30 years’ he said). But Florence wouldn’t let it go… so in the end he went. To his surprise he had life threatening ailments and if he didn’t go when he did well frankly he wouldn’t be painting my exteriors.

Then I asked… WHY did I ask… he’d had he tea, he had his biscuits… he was going back work… WHY did I ask? Maybe it was that a partnership of a male and female in the male dominated world of painting and decorating remains unusual … Maybe it was because I am a mug…I don’t know but one thing is for sure when I said… ‘and Florence…is she your wife?’.. I was not expecting the answer I got.

“Flo?.. Oh no it’d be a bit difficult for us to be married, she died in 1815”

WHAT!!!!.

Is it me or is 1815 like about almost 200 years ago?? Needless to say the painting had to wait an hour.

The man was in business with a ghost. Florence he said is his guardian angel, she looks out for him gives him great advice, and (wait for this…) if he holds a pen and says ‘Florence speak’, she takes control of the pen and jots down her thoughts. She did his business plan. They’ve been in business since 1987.

Ermmmmmmmmmmm. Not a lot you can say about that.

The man looked normal, ran a profitable business, was married with 3 kids and lived in Sutton. He just happened to have a business partner from a few centuries ago. Had the man seen too many episodes of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) on G.O.L.D once too often!!!

Setting up business with a dead person! She didn’t seem to do much painting….Mind you… at least she didn’t want a cuppa!

You know, mankind’s love for the supernatural is something that has always left me baffled. Is it a lack of being able to accept the finality of death? Or is it a convenient excuse for every noise that goes bump in the night? Or what? I just don’t get it.

My take on humans are that we are a machine made of organic material. When the machine wears out or is broken, the machine is dead. I do believe that whilst functioning the machine generates a spiritual energy and when the physical machine is gone, the spiritual energy leaves. Without the organic material that is our outer machine the spiritual energy has no generator. But where that spiritual energy goes… well that is a matter of faith.

I kind of take to heart the phrase ‘earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.’ I used to be sure that I was not alone believing that the spiritual energy of a person leaves the body on death – that the remains become an empty shell. The spiritual energy becomes ethereal… more of a concept less of a fact. Like I said I used to believe I was not alone.

But more and more I am discovering so many who believe that our organic material goes transparent and we wander about much as we did when we were alive.

Theses seem to be more and more people like Fred. People who claim to be acquainted with specific spirits, to speak with them, to carry on correspondence with them – even set up business with them. It’s become popular culture.

It seems there's no getting away from ghosts nowadays. People like me who genuinely do not believe in them stumbles over them everytime she turns on the TV (Ghost Whisperer, Medium, and all those reality ghost hunter show). The movies can’t survive without ghost tales it seems… the Sixth Sense being one of the better offerings and the Ghost Busters series being the most enduring (and silliest).

Literature is full of them from Hamlet to A Christmas Carol to The Magic Mountain. Actually on the last one, the author W.B. Yeats dragged Thomas Mann to séances - an experience Mann used in his book Magic Mountain.

However it is not just the purveyors of our entertainments who keep the mythology going. Believe it or not the travel and leisure industry is up to its neck in ghoulies too! You can purchase the Directory of paranormal, haunted and ghost themed breaks and holidays – where a short break with the undead can be achieved for as little as £35. But never forget that fairgrounds and theme parks have been inviting the experience of houses and mansions of ghosts for many a year.

Of course ghosties have had their own religion for a while. Spiritualism was established as a religion in the mid-nineteenth century. Having celebrity followers like Florence Nightingale and US president Lincoln’s wife Mary helped legitimise it. But since then Barbara Bush, Jimmy Carter, Judy Garland, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Shirley Maclaine, Marilyn Monroe, Gwenyth Paltrow, Elvis Presley, Winona Ryder, and Stevie Wonder have all been associated with the church. Although its had its ups and downs over time, the Spiritualist Church is growing in popularity – it seems talking to the dead appeals to many.

And when chatting with the dead in a structured religious way is not personal enough – the rise and rise of the Medium has left me at least breathless. I have what I would consider totally sane friends who think nothing of paying good money for someone to sit in a room and ‘connect’ with the ‘other-side’ and tell them what news there is from the dead. People really do wish to get news from their personal dead. I feel quite alone in thinking that dead people don’t talk.

Now I can recall when those who thought that they do would gather in an upstairs room of the local pub for a ‘lecture’. These sessions were I assumed just for like minded souls to find each other. These days’ REAL universities offer REAL Ph.D., Bachelors & Masters Degrees in the Paranormal. And before you laugh, The Faculty of Law, business and social sciences at University of Glasgow (est. 1451) and one of the top 100 universities on the planet … is one of them.

Ghosts are being taken seriously.

And for all this… I don’t buy it. I really am alone with my scepticism – aren’t I?

Fred seemed quite confused by my scepticism about Florence.

‘You mean you REALLY don’t believe in it?’.

Umm no Fred. That a woman who died in 1815 got in touch with a painter and decorator in the late 1980’s to write up a business plan for a property maintenance business? NO. No I don’t. I know you did an EXCELLENT job at the front of the house. And that a woman who died in 1815 wrote down ‘go to doctors’ everytime you picked up a pen until you went and found out you had dangerously low blood pressure coupled with Advanced peripheral vascular disease? NO. No I don’t. I know that your condition is managed well enough now for you to be at work. I just know what I know… I just don’t believe that the dead continue in that way. NO Fred.

‘But YOUR house is haunted. Haven’t you noticed?’

And on this point I had to smile. Yes… I was told this Edwardian house was haunted… it’s had 3 exorcisms and it’s price was dramatically lowered because of it. That’s WHY I live here.

And yes, at night I hear the floorboards adjust as the heat from the water pipes make them contract and expand. They do it in the day time too, but you don’t notice it so much with all the other noise around you.

And yes, I put my keys down in the hall way and find them in kitchen… cause I remembered when I was in the hall way and forgot when I was in the kitchen.

And yes, there are sometimes cold spots in a warm room… but I find a draft excluder under an Edwardian door stops the cold air in it’s tracks.

And Yes, I see black shadows out the corner of my eye sometimes… but then that’s Maybelline Colossal mascara for you!

I’ve been living here for almost 4 years now. I can say with some authority that there is no floating spectre in black who moves your stuff or walks the stairs and corridors leaving a chilly air behind it! But there was a significant saving to be made as there were plenty who believed there is.

Like I said what we think we know happens after the machine stops is just a matter of faith.

Thanks to those who believe in ghosts, I have the perfect house to work freelance in. I am very grateful to them…No way could I afford a house on this scale otherwise.

And so, as I said, freelancing has its pro’s and cons’s. Stuff gets done that used to sit on a ‘when I have a day off’ list. TICK PRO. I have made untold numbers of beverages and dished out small mountains of biscuits to workmen from a variety of trades. TICK CON.

But… thanks to being freelance, I have met a guy who is in business with a ghost…..PRICELESS!