BLOG 37: A pile of PANTS!!!

PILE OF PANTS!!!

There was a time when guys just didn't have many underwear options. There were briefs and there were boxers, and neither came in styles that were in any way flattering. It didn’t really matter cause what a man chose to put between his crown jewels and trousers was between him, the object of his affections… and his laundry. No one else ever saw them.

But, oh, how times have changed.

I have recently hosted an 18^th birthday party for one of my favourite young people. And it came to my attention, as the teenagers did what teenagers do best, that I had seen a startling number of gentlemen’s pants during the course of the evening. Now save your coins… there is no need to ring Child Line. I love a younger man as much as anyone, but even draw the line way a long way from teenage years!

No, what I am referring to is this fashion for wearing your pants displayed several inches above your trouser line. I do believe the term the kids use is ‘busting-low’.

This fashion began in the prisons of the USA where prisoners had little choice but to reveal their pants to the world as the authorities confiscated their belts, forming their prison issue trousers to drop lower than their underwear. This one time mark of shame was adopted by middle-class black youths in the USA who were desperate to show some ‘street-creed’ to their counterparts in the poorer areas. Of course a lot of these black middle class kids went on to become popular musicians – ‘rap artistes’… and a fashion was born.

And of course as with all American youth culture, ‘busting low’ has gone global. You can now even buy men’s jeans with a pair of ‘faux-pants’ ready attached to the waistband!

Of course this means a gentleman’s pantaloons are no longer a private affair.

That being the case… Jax feels that it is time to delve into …a pile of pants! Cause I don’t know about you but I finds men’s undercrackers and the choices there-in fascinating.

Ah yes… can anyone remember the brief?

These unsightly men’s pants were marked by a prominent elastic waistband that sat at the waist, had a Y-shaped front fly and about four inches of fabric that covered everything from the waist to the upper thighs, and full coverage of the butt. Homer Simpson is a great aficionado of these ghastly objects, known popularly as the Y FRONT.

My science teacher at secondary school wore purple ones. Every time he stretched to write something on the board we got a flash of them. I have never seen anything so ugly in all my life – not Mr Lewis…the pants! We used to wonder if he had several pairs…or if it was the same one… it was always the same flash of grubby white elastic and purple ribbed cotton…..for the full 5 years we did science!

I have been filled with a horror of these particular pants ever since those girlhood flashes. And it sure didn’t improve as the years passed and I got to see these things in their full glory. I was stunned by how they made a man look ridiculous! They actually seem to share the same design team as babies’ nappies. It amazed me that ANY man would wish to put these abominations on!

BUT, certain men love them! Apparently they provide great support for a man – nothing wanders about or falls out. They're a solid choice for jobs that require sitting down all day (briefs are less likely to ride up than other types of underwear) or for physical activities. Students and sportsmen love them, and I have been informed they are perfect for low slung jeans.

Yeah fellas – if we ladies took that kind of thing into account with OUR frillies, we’d all be in grandmama’s apple catchers! What an idea… lower quarters decked out in stuff that is PRACTICLE ?!? Look men’s briefs, Y fronts what ever you want to call them are UGLY… and for that reason alone… NO.

The classic choice of under garment and the one time ladies choice was… the Boxer.

Interestingly the only type of underwear that can be tailored, the boxer is the loosest and arguably the most comfortable -- of all styles of men’s panties!

Named for the shorts wore by pugilists these pants are renowned for their wide choice of fabric and patterns. The shorts have straight-cut leg openings and cover part of the thighs and the entire butt; the length can vary from eight to 16 inches. And last, but certainly not least, boxers almost always have a working front fly. Although they offer precious little support for the wearer… they are sooo much easier on the eye than the brief. (So much so it became a fashion for ladies to steal their boyfriends’ boxers and wear them themselves!)

And yet for all the plaudits, boxers do seem to be inappropriately named. You could not get more physical than a pugilist darting about in the ring. And yet the garment named after this activity is a poor choice for any movement as they do have a tendency to bunch up! Also Boxers can only realistically be worn with loose legged trousers or suits. They were the perfect under garment for the hedonistic 80’s which saw the rise and rise of the young urban professional. Suits were in. But by the 90’’s the skinny leg jean made a staggering return… concertina-ing your pants into a tube just wasn’t worth the aggravation.

With both the traditional brief and the boxer being most commonly made from cotton, forays were made into using man made fabrics to achieve a more figure hugging look. By blending nylon with wonder fabric lycra this became possible.

So there came a brand new trend of male intimate attire… the tanga brief

Tanga briefs sit well below the belly button; approximately four inches below to be exact. The sides of the waistband measure only about two inches. Tanga briefs do not sport a fly. As if there was ever a demand, manufacturers also felt they should offer a string bikini version. This tanga had a waistband of about a ½-inch thick, leaving the entire thigh exposed. The seat still covered the butt entirely though. With the skinny jean and the tighter trouser many men found it worth while to sport this underwear choice… even though a pair of these tiny pants could cost double that of the brief or boxer.

But, either type of tanga only looked good on men with well-muscled bodies… the lower quarters could disappear entirely below the slightest of beer bellies otherwise! Conversely on a skinny man they frankly just made him look like a twig in a catapult. The tanga brief for men was never going to really catch on.

BUT, having romanced the idea of a smaller pair of pants – Joe Average felt so body conscious that Gymnasium membership in the UK showed a significant rise! Suddenly ordinary men started to pump iron. This gave the British male his first real exposure to the bodybuilder. With victory in the pants wars still up for grabs it was clear that you don't see many bodybuilders posing in boxers.

The demand for attractive men’s underwear was clearly unsatisfied. Tanga briefs were horrible expensive and the Y front brief - comfortable as it may be wasn’t going to frame a nicely toned set of abs as well as hoped. So what happened….

Men’s pants became truly disturbing…. The thong landed. That’s what happened!

It's hard to believe, but something even smaller than tanga underwear for men came into existence. With a thong, the crown jewels are stuffed into a small pouch, while a string serves as the waistband, and another goes up between the butt cheeks. It was just so many kinds of wrong… but it cured the bunching up problem boxers had, didn’t flash a thick elastic waistband like briefs and the price was a zillion times better than the tanga brief. It was clear that if sanity was ever to return to the world of gentlemen’s underwear than prayers would have to be made and prayers would have to be heard.

And they were…. By a designer whose name was Calvin Klein.

Mr Klein was working on mixing cotton with lycra and by doing so found a solution. He gave men a pair of undercrackers that did everything the thong did – but without the unsightly butt cheek view… he gave them the boxer-brief.

Like all great ideas, it was simple. Take the best of everything that has come before and blend it all up. He came up with underwear that is cut like tapered boxers, but it fits tightly like briefs…. providing support and coverage. Finally men had underwear works under all types of clothes, but was perfect to wear under tighter jeans and during athletic activities. And from the ladies perspective… a pair of pants that sculpted a mans crown jewels like never before!

So Lucky BOYS! They ended the 20^th century with perfect pants.

But amazingly they have found a way to mess that up.

I know what is sauce for the goose SHOULD be sauce for the gander. But life is not fair. Gooses (in this case) do have undergarments of a thousand shades… but we’re women. Ganders… I must make this clear…I’m not saying a man should not have colour choice… of course he can!

It’s just that unlike any other species on the planet WE (women) are the tail feather shakers. Quite frankly… now that men actually have a pair of pants worth wearing… is it too much to ask that it is tastefully available in Black or White or Grey?

When Calvin Klein brought in the boxer-brief he deliberately made them in just the 3 shades of light. He felt by them being in non colours, the shape the pants gave the man do all the eye-catching necessary.

Briefs were brightly coloured to detract from the fact that with a huge big Y front – they were ugly as sin (beside it you look at white Y fronts they look JUST like a nappy the colour was essential to detract form that unsexy thought!). Boxers could afford to be patterned because there was just so much material going on – it was kind of like a little skirt! You just HAD to put something on all that space! Bikinis were brightly coloured to counteract the nylon sheen and thongs had to be lurid to detract from the naked butt cheeks!

But boxer briefs have done of these problems…they are good looking, they sculpt, they support… they advertise… and in a good way. They just don’t need the neon.

The quintessentially French fashion designers HOM disagree. Given that the Boxer-brief is the planets no 1 choice for men’s pants they felt the time was right to move away from the 3 colour rule. So they sent down the catwalk a vibrant series of shades including zingy turquoise underwear for men. They feel the time is right for men to burst out and become the peacocks they really are.

It triggered a return to colour in the pants department. It is an unstoppable force… everyone from Hugo Boss, to Armani to even old CK himself have gone the lurid route. After all, these days the pants will be visible above the trouser line… may as well make it count!

With the fashion for busting low being currently unstoppable – it pays to have pants that can be seen from the Hubble Space Telescope. An image picked up recently is at the top of this piece... 22yr old star of a series of Disney movies reveals he is ‘down with the kids’ by flashing lurid blue boxer-briefs whilst still fully clothed.

It seems that what every we want or think – we all WILL be looking at men’s underwear every day. But at least we are forewarned.

And that HAS to be better than Mr Lewis flashing his purple undercrackers at 31 schoolgirls whilst writing mass x velocity on the board!!!