BLOG 146: Best in Breed

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either". Jack Benny

Winter is a strange time to have awards do’s. At a time of year where staying in is truly the new going out...rewards for achievement and effort in every job from Anglers to Zoologists are given out. The organisers tempt the great and the good from each industry out for the night with the promise of a free meal and a chance to show off. The great and the good are most noted of course for braving the season to attend the awards celebrate achievement in the big three:movies, music and fashion. And of course these big events are televised...so in effect, we all get to go!

And while it’s fun to sit at home and watch them on TV, anyone who has ever been to one will know that trying to eat a plate of gourmet food whilst wearing hire clothes is not the only peril that lies ahead of the attendees. Sadly these perils are televised too.

Fact is...Most award dos are awful.

Really, they are terrible. Either the organisers are so focused on the nominees they forget the guests or they are so focused on the event they forget the experience. And what is an awards do without guests and an experience?

Mainly award dos are just something to get through, so you can say you were there. (Or get into an after party... why is it after parties are planned with more foresight and care than the awards so the party is supposed to be celebrating!)

I was just sitting here thinking about some of the shockingly bad award dos I’ve been to and I realised they all have one or more of the same 8 things wrong with them.

So in the usual JaxWorld Style... here are my top eight things for organisers NOT to do if they expect me to come out to their event in the deep mid winter!

1. Do not let people think it is ok to start late

Is there anything more annoying than having chowed down on the meal, drunk all the table wine, moved into the auditorium, sat down...and all you hear is the PA squawking for the next hour requesting in ever more desperate tones that people still need to get to their seats so the ceremony can start. Frankly, having grown up with the British licensing laws I know that people can shift along pronto if they know the doors will be locked. Organisers need to tell attendees that they will lock the auditorium 15 minutes after the start time ... believe me bums will be on seats.

2. Do not forget to theme the event

Anything worse than a patchwork of awards being handed out in a hotch potch of an event? Organisers need to really look at the awards and programme them so they make sense (ie best in breed) and build up to the big one (ie top dog). It also never hurts to have a loose thread of a theme for the event to tie it all together. Especially in the auditorium. One of the best I went to was themed “The Butterfly Effect”: they ushered guests through entry doors to the auditorium and we were transported to world of light, fresh colours and flowing drapes convey the fragile beauty of a butterfly. Throughout each award winner and nominee accomplishments were likened to the Butterfly Effect idea of small acts generating great impact. Which after all is what most organisers want their event to be all about.

3. Do not waste a funny guy

A master of ceremonies should be someone who can tie the many disparaging threads of the evening together and make it flow. Someone who you look forward to hearing from between the gushing acceptance speeches. This is should be a person who can think on his feet and always have something entertaining to say. The best way to keep to people happy is to make them laugh...it is a known fact that sleeping people don’t laugh out loud. So Organisers...instead of wasting a stand-up comic as an envelope ripper...hire one to host the whole evening to keep the evening fludid and everyone awake... so the show isn't a complete dud.

4. Do not cross dress

Organisers should advise participants that it’s an awards do... not a stag party. Unless cross gender dressing is your norm...please resist the urge to present or receive an award in an outfit more usually worn by a member of the opposite sex. If any organiser requires further proof that this is an express ticket to losing your audience bear in mind that even with the Academy Awards make-up and costume department James Franco and Anne Hathaway couldn’t pull it off at Oscars. Believe me.... no one can!

5. Do not say it for longer than a minute and a quarter

I know you’d like to believe as the recipient of an award everyone wants to hear what you have to say. They don’t. They are there for three reasons. To see who loses. To wear their best outfit. To network. If you want to thank the academy...say it in six words... it takes 1.2 seconds. No need to take an hour and a half thanking everyone from the midwife to the undertaker... we know the award wasn’t entirely down to you. It's such a yawn fest when they go on and on, and apparently it's illegal to spring load a trap door to open after a minute and a quarter. Pity. But maybe instead, Organisers need to give nominees a small piece of paper, a pen and a stopwatch with a maximum 75 seconds time.

6. Do not have a musical interlude featuring non professionals

There is a reason why dancers and singers train. It’s not something everyone can do at the highest level without honing the craft. Musical interludes at awards dos are a great platformfor artistes at this level to perform and is a great treat for the guests. And yet at awards show after awards show I have had to suffer people from other professions giving it a go. (Why do footballers always want to sing and models always want to dance?) An Awards do is not the right stage for a first time stab at something you fancy giving a go. Organisers need to know that if they are booking entertainment to get the pro’s in and keep the enthusiasts out!

7. Do not let really really old people on stage

The lifetime achievement award is never a good idea if the recipient is still alive. Really old people have a lifetime of memories and have met just about everyone interesting that has ever lived.... so give them a stage...and they will tell you all about it. Every stunningly LONG moment of every stunningly long year. Lifetime to me means retrospective. Which means a lifetime achievement award should only be given posthumously. I tend to find those recipients have speeches that NEVER over run. Organisers who adopt this system all agree.

8. Do not end on a damp squib

The end should be a highpoint. It should be a finale. Organisers should think Last Night of the Proms. When that is over, the whole crowd link arms and sway while chanting ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ the rush of emotion is tangible as it envelopes the Royal Albert Hall. Where as at the Brits this year...the end was a bloke shouting “THAT’S IT... GOODNIGHT!” Organisers should draw the threads of the evening together to create a final sequence which should feel like the closing act of an opera . This should be the lasting memory the guests, nominees and winners carry out of the venue into the night.

Of course... once the awards do is over... people can get to the fourth reason why they go out on a winter’s night to suffer interminable puffery and professional camaraderie..... The After Party.

And you know what... I have nothing to add to improve on this time honoured tradition.

After Party’s is where you get to see the stuff you talk about for the next few months...or maybe a little longer!

Which reminds me of the time I saw a certain person steal the award her drunk rival had displayed on a table at certain After Party....

But hey... that’s another Blog entirely.

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