BLOG 143: Chase me!

"Most of what we understand about love comes from the heroes and heroines of fiction” Sebastian Faulks

It came to my attention that my romantic ideals may well be distanced from reality, when I ran away from a boyfriend when I was a teenager. We were on a wild deserted windswept west-country beach, and he said something I vaguely disagreed with. So I pulled my hand from his and trotted slowly in the other direction...convinced he would chased after me (and hopefully pin me to the sand with a show of ardour that would convince me that even for those few moments he could not live without me). Of course... he stood bewildered as I ran (in a vague facsimile of slow motion) to the end of the cove... and watched with some amusement as I briskly walked back to him (as he had the car keys... I did mention we were in the west country didn't I?... nowhere on earth does the middle of nowhere like the west-country counties of England).

I recall muttering to myself that I would sue Daphne du Maurier whose book Jamaica Inn had greatly influenced my fevered teenage imagination. Clearly real west-country lads were not indifferent to girls because they had to face the prospect of a moment without them to bring out the grand passion... they were just indifferent to girls.

Many decades later lounging in the comfort of my rather lovely (if I say so myself) sitting room in my palais de femme divorcée I recounted the tale of the beach run and how I have continued to expect to be chased after even in the face of compelling evidence to the contrary. My friend found it that evening (and STILL finds it) highly amusing, that I should be so influenced by fiction that I apply it to real life.

Whilst I always find it joyous to be the cause of a smile (or in this case outright laughter) for any of my friends... it made me wonder.

Can widely held modern romantic ideals be traced back not to the human character – but a writers pen?

No wonder I'm of kilter with real romance. Just a tour of my bookshelves reveal an awful lot of misinformation: There are just so many couples in literature whose romances are totally improbable...

Prince Charming and Cinderella - Comte de ma Mere L'Oye by Charles Perrault
Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy: Bridget Jones Diaries by Helen Fielding

Antony and Cleopatra : Antony and Cleopatra by Wiiliam Shakespere
John Proctor and Abigail Williams: The Crucible by Arthur Miller
Laurie Laurence and Josephine March: Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Marius Pontmercy and Cosette: Les Miserable by Victor Hugo
Mr Knightly and Emma : Emma by Jane Austen
Westley and Buttercup: The Princess Bride by William Goldman

True, there is always a bit of jeopardy. No path to true love is smooth... sometimes a little death has to be suffered, but with some good old fashioned chasing and romantic tussling... every gal gets her man. (Or at least is loved so good, proper and thoroughly she can live off the memory). And that I'm afraid is a lesson learnt from fiction... that love (true love) is worth it. It has become what we understand about love.

But the lessons we girls learn through fiction often is not the authors intent. To illustrate the point I have completed a reasonably sized survey on my mates... this is what we all agree we have learnt from our top ten tomes of romantic literature....

Romeo and Juliet. (1591) William Shakespeare.

STORY: Your dad hates his dad and his mum thinks your mum is scum. You are 15, in love and NO ONE, I mean NO ONE thinks you two dating is a good idea. Add to the fact one of you is messing with drugs and the fact you BOTH play with knives... this ain't gonna end well. But wow... your boyfriend is gonna risk Daddy setting the dogs on him to break into your garden and catch a glimpse of you in your nightie.

LESSON: US AGAINST THE WORLD MAKES THE STRONGEST PUREST LOVE

Pride and Prejudice (1813) Jane Austen

STORY: You meet this guy and he is soooo rude to you. He insults your family then busts up your big sister's engagement. He can't resist telling everyone you are as common as muck. Fair dos he is handsome and rich but what an asshole. Until he has a change of heart, covers up your slaggy little sister's scandal and asks you if you are free on the same day your big sisters wedding (which is now back on) cause he thinks you two better get hitched as well.

LESSON: EVEN IF THE GUY IS THE MOST OBNIOXIOUS PRIG, GIVE HIM TIME AND HE'LL CHANGE.

The Great Gatsby (1925) F Scott Fitzgerald

STORY: Your conman of an ex wants you back. Which is a pity cause you married someone else after he binned you. But man! He will not give it up. Turns out your husband is a terrible bully and your ex has nothing else to do with his time but woo you... extravagantly. Your hubby finds out and goes ballistic at you but your ex protects you right to the bitter end.

LESSON: STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR EX. HE'LL BE USEFUL EVEN IF HE IS A WASTER.

The Odyssey (800BC) Homer

STORY: Your husband is in the army and hasn't been home for ages. People are beginning to think he ain't coming home – helped by rumours of tarts overseas that he has been cavorting with. You have your own problems trying to stay faithful when 108 of the countries hottest men move into your house with a view to get into your pants. It takes 20 years, but somehow rumours, available tarts and hot men do not tempt either of you to be unfaithful and finally hubby gets home.

LESSON: STICK BY YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS EVEN IF IT LOOKS DOOMED

Jane Ayre (1846) Charlotte Bronte

STORY: You have been beaten black and blue by the ugly stick. I mean you make dogs howl at the sight of your face, and you ain't rich enough to make anyone forget it. But never mind, you are quite clever so you go and work as a governess for a very handsome geezer. Apparently he married some rich beautiful west indian bird that no has seen for years...so everyone assumes he is a widow. You fancy him rotten, he's not so keen on you. But the Mrs ain't dead, she's mad as a bucket of frogs and is locked in the attic. Mad Mrs gets out and burns the house down with herself in it. Now he IS a widower... and guess what... the fire blinded him, so now he don't mind being married to you.

LESSON: UGLY BIRDS WILL GET THE RICH HANDSOME MAN IN THE END.

Wuthering Heights (1847) Emily Bronte

STORY: Oh you are hot! Unfortunately no one else in town is apart from the unsuitable mixed race moody kid you used to hang out with when you were little. Of course you don't marry him you marry someone else (he is after all unsuitable). But then … YOU die. Guess who's the only one who gets upset... yep, the mixed race moody kid. So you haunt him, drive him nuts till he does awful things to your widower then you convince him starving himself to death is a great idea because then you two can be together always. Which he does.

LESSON: ANOREXIA WILL GET YOU A HOT MAN

Macbeth (1623) William Shakespeare

STORY: Sexy old you has a husband who will do anything for you as long as you keep being sexy. Kill a king, take over a kingdom... oh and 24 pairs of Jimmy Choo's.. he'll do it all as long as you keep floating around in a negligee. He is like superman when you are about, he can do anything. Of course the moment you are not, he gets as weak as a damp lettuce and it all goes pear shaped.

LESSON: IF YOU AMP UP THE VA VA VOOM YOU MOTIVATE MEN TO GREATNESS

Gone with the Wind (1936) Margaret Mitchell

STORY: You are a little minx. You have several men on the go, and you love it. Of course there is just one guy who can see through your devious ways... and as luck would have it he sweeps you up and carries you upstairs for a good seeing to. Of course you totally mess up your marriage by being a little minx and he walks. Not that you are too put out because you'll get him back... won't you?

LESSON: MEN LOVE DIFFICULT WOMEN EVEN IF YOU ARE A NIGHTMARE!

The Illiad (800BC) Homer

STORY: Okay, you are sooo married but look young for your age. Then some people turn up to do a trade deal and one of them is a foreign prince who has brought along his kid brother. You are old enough to know better but the kid is so hot... all rippling muscles and hair that is begging to have fingers run through it. So you have a fling and your hubby turns a blind eye. However the kid gets hooked on you and you are terribly flattered. However, the next thing you know you have agreed to run away with him. And just when you were thinking of going home your rather angry hubby declares war. So 20 years of fighting breaks out. Just as well you went for such a younger guy as you were kind of stuck with him for a long while – but no worries, hubby took you back as you STILL looked fine.

LESSON: BEING A LOOKER GETS YOU OUT OF TROUBLE AND BEING A COUGAR IS OK

How Stella got her Groove Back (1987) Terry MacMillan

You are middle aged, a divorcee, a stockbroker and bored. You go to Jamaica on holiday. You get it on with a bar man half your age who thinks there are times when the vapid cuteness of a young nymph can't hold a candle to the practiced sensuality of a more mature woman. You go home, can't forget him and have him sent out to you faster than a fed-ex package. Your ex hubby don't like it, your kids even less, but who cares...at last MAMA is happy!

LESSON: NOTHING HAS CHANGED SINCE THE ILLIAD EXCEPT NOW YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR TOY!

And that's the thing... be you a little girl being read Cinderella, a school girl studying Shakespeare, an undergraduate doing a dissertation on the Homer, a commuter losing yourself in chick lit or an occupant of a seat in the theatre or cinema... these unlikely tales of love conquering all obstacle (even death) are with us. We even draw messages from these tales the author never meant!

We absorb these fanciful tales and hope that we too will live lives of such colour, that we too will weave the magic of story telling by our very existence...missing the point that our idea of love comes from people who never existed. People for whom any obstacles route to being vanquished has been worked out in advance. People for whom challenges only exist on the page.

Teenage me trotted down a beach in Devon hoping to be perused and embraced by a west-country lad who had offended me very (VERY) slightly. For a while as I ran slowly into the wind, my hair flailing behind me, the surf beating against my shins... it did feel like the most romantic moment in history. The anticipation that he was chasing behind me, blood coursing wildly through his veins at the prospect of losing such an amazing relationship...sent adrenaline straight to my heart. I thought it was kind of worth it.

Of course, as we all know... all I got out of it was a 5 minute work-out and a lift home in his car.

Over the years I've told the tale to various girlfriends to make them laugh. Easy to be self effacing as I'm no longer teenage me. I'm older and wiser and even have published romantic fiction of my own. I know the difference between fact and fiction better than most. I can afford to laugh at teenage me.

BUT.. next week has in it the day my lovely big sister refers to as 'International-Rub-Your-Relationship-In-The-Face-of-Singleton's-Day' (also known as Valentine's Day). And you know what?... There must be a little bit of Teenage Me left in there somewhere. Because I know come the 14th of February... SHE'LL still sort of want to be chased... just a little!

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