“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.” Dave Mustaine
Regular readers would know I’m no stranger to the “Holy Crap!... didn’t see that coming” cycle. Things I could reasonably expect to take for granted have completely and unexpectedly perished. I’m not a particularly strong person but I’ve survived (some may even say thrived) where others in similar or even lesser circumstances have crumbled. I think the key to my buoyancy is down to the fact that I never say oh well things could be worse, smile and carry on. Sometimes you just have call it what it is and stop being so English about it. “It’s not a digging utensil…it’s a spade” as a wise man once said. Sometimes you have let people know that you are having a crap time of it in order to accept what has happened and move on.
Michael J Fox told a story in which God gathered some people who had the worst troubles in the world and told them to sit in a circle. God then instructed each to tell the gathered company about their individual troubles and how it makes them feel. God then turned each person’s troubles into a rucksack and told them to place their troubles in the centre of the circle. At the end of the meeting God told each to chose a burden lighter than his own and go back to his life. Each chose the trouble he came to the meeting with and left feeling better able to cope. The moral of this tale according to Michael J Fox is that the recognition from someone else that your burden is weighty is a freeing experience – making you able to bear the load you once thought unbearable.
It always comes as a shock when someone who has a talent is struck down with a debilitating condition. Michael J Fox, was in the prime of his career when he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I should imagine for an actor that would be a definitive curtain call on your future aspirations – so I was surprised to hear him describe what most people would see as an affliction as a blessing. Since being diagnosed with the condition he has interacted with many who share the condition but do so without his undoubted advantages. It was only by doing this that he became acutely aware that the conditions affect on his ability to work has been much cushioned by the wealth generated during his career and the lack of knowledge people have of the condition generates fear and ignorance. He said having his acting career so brutally and publically curtailed served only to give him another stage to do something perhaps a little more worth while on. He feels going public with his condition and using his name in connection with fund raising for research and support has freed him from focusing on what Parkinson’s has taken from him. But first he had to not only admit to himself certain losses but get others to appreciate them too – it made his load lighter.
I have to admit being greatly moved by his attitude.
To get to that point you have to get others to accept the gravity of what has happened to you. Once that is achieved and the loss is recognised, you can then move to plan B. This is not a case of wallowing in your problems it’s a case of getting recognition for the losses you have to endure. It seems we have a propensity towards putting a brave face on things. It’s a very English thing to do to say, “Things could be worse” and smile and carry on. It’s almost as if you are being unnecessarily negative if you take the time out to see exactly how bad things actually are… which is daft as surely it is best to know exactly what is no longer possible, grieve for it, then move on. But repression is almost a national occupation, we do not comfortably deal with something as real as loss.
Losing something, be it your health, your job, your relationship…what ever it is…is just bloody crap, and you should be allowed to acknowledge that. You should be allowed to look honestly at what you have lost and acknowledge the fact it has gone and will not be back.
As uncomfortable as it is to go against our national character of grinning and bearing it I tend to treat all loss as a death. And like a death, I allow myself permission to grieve.
So here's the Jaxworld guide to dealing with the 'DAMN! I did not see that coming' events that result in you suffering a loss.
First you have to take personal inventory. What have you lost? What does this mean in real terms? What needs to be dealt with that is within your control? What is outside of your control? Do it on paper or on Excel it doesn’t really matter… just look at it in black and white. Trust me it’ll look less scary written down than it does when it crawls out from under the repression rock dressed up as anxiety. I don't know why but just the process of taking inventory starts to bring things under control.
Once you can see clearly what the problem is you can start to begin to accept the situation you are in. It’s important not to jump straight to finding cures to the problem before you have had a chance to accept you have a problem in the first place. You have to allow yourself to run the full spectrum of emotions that go with loss. Before you do anything allow yourself to feel anger at the turn of events. Allow yourself to make bargains with deities. Allow yourself to feel hopeless and low. These are not ‘unbritish’ emotions – these are the normal steps to letting go. It’s a cycle that is important to go through as it totally blows out all the destructive emotional debris which will stop you making daft fight or flight choices that people make when they jump straight to finding a cure.
The next stage is to get evidence that you are not alone. Of course this goes against the great British tenant of “Thou shall not be a burden” – but trust me, (it’s that circle that Michael J Fox talked of God making people sit in), you will be surprised how not alone you are. Pick up the phone and talk to friends and family and see how quickly sharing honestly what is going on with you opens others up to put their rucksack in the circle. Listening sincerely to others and being sincerely heard in return is very empowering.
It’s always at this stage that I have always found that I can finally look at my own rucksack favourably. It’s at this stage where I can say, “This is the thing that happened to me. The thing I did not expect. The thing that should have thrown me off course… but I’m still here”… It’s at this stage where realise that I actually can find the strength to handle the weight, and that I can and will accept the load.
Acceptance is NOT the same as resignation. Bearing things quietly is the favourable way of dealing (or more honestly NOT dealing) with things in these parts. But it seldom works. I don’t know why we do it! We should not be so afraid of taking ownership of the dark periods of our lives. To be able to accept that crap has happened, that crap cost you dear and you have grieved for your losses is not being negative and wallowing in the bad stuff. It is healthy to calculate your losses and talk about it – even measure your loss against other people’s problems.
Not all our burdens will be viewed somewhere further down the line as the making of us... some may, but most won't. But all eventually get viewed simply as challenges , providing we processed the losses rather than brushed the personal cost under the carpet.
You may not ever overcome your problem - but by being honest with yourself and others about what your burden entails - compared to all the other rucksacks in the circle, yours will be the one that you will choose to carry. And who knows… like an actor struck with Parkinson’s at the age of just 30 you may find it was not a weight designed to crush you .
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