21 April
Fairy Story
Once upon a time there was a girl who had a lot of stuff in common with another fairy tale character.
Sleeping Beauty?
No... She was an insomniac!
Thumbelina?
No.. she was above average height.
Cinderella?
No... lack of step-sisters, wicked step mother and kitchen servitude!
Princess and the Pea?
NO!... look I'm gonna have t tell you or we'll be here all day!
She had a lot in common with The Ugly Duckling... in a world of white swans there she was bobbing around on the same pond with feathers all stubby and brown. It was unsightly... it let the pond down... BIG TIME.
So.. as is tradition in fairy tale land, UD (as we shall call her) went off on an adventure... cause face facts NOTHING was working out or her on the pond.
The adventure was to get accepted to a magical kingdom called University. It was oft said of this magical kingdom that pond eyesore such as UD could in the three years away from the pond, blossom and return home triumphant having worked out the kinks with their awkward and unseemly presentation or if all else fails at least found the purpose for their existence and return able to contribute something to the pond rather than just sore eyes.
So ever hopeful, UD packed her belongings and set off on her adventure. New starts meant a make over as far as she could tell... she had been a devotee of an American magazine which instructed its pubescent readers of a dress code for such an adventure. Plaid shirts, corduroy slacks, knitted waist-coats, and on days when corduroy slack would not do.. A-line skirts worn with knee high stocks and mary-jane shoes. Quite clearly the magazine got this look which they called 'the preppy' from some subterranean department of hell... but UD was not to know this... for such was the horror of her appearance during her pubescent years... even she was aware that it was a tough call to expect an ensemble of clothing to rectify the damage .
There were many many UD's at university.
It was most unlike school. School took in a large catchment from the local pond... irrespective of cerebral activity. In fact cerebral activity did not worry the administrators of the school for the first three years. By the time it did rise to be a matter of some concern to them, the pupils had formed a hierarchy of their own... based on physical appearance. Thus the most popular pupils were the ones whom nature had blessed with features fair and lovely. It was they who unofficially governed the school, deeming who may walk in the shadow of beauty and who may linger silently and alone in the shade. School was much like being on the pond for UD...she did not fit in.
However, freedom from inclusion in all the social events and general school hub-bub, gave UD plenty of time to spend on her studies. However, the fourth and fifth year of school were all about passing examinations. This did not bother the fair and beautiful, many of whom were promised great things in the job market which would be open to them once the fifth year at school had passed. It seemed the job market was run rather like school... the fair and the lovely would always find a door open to them. So UD kept her unsightly head in her books....
With all that time focusing on her school work, UD sailed through these test and was invited to remain at school for a further two years in order to take more examinations with a view to going to University. UD had no idea what University was, but as it meant that she would not have to compete with the fair and lovely in the jobs market...she accepted the offer to stay on at school. She did so as a diversion... but never had a diversion paid of so well.. as the University offered her a place.
As we said the first thing that UD noticed at University was that the balance between the fair and lovely and those less blessed with beauty seemed to have changed dramatically. Although there were a few of the fair and lovely around, the majority of residents of the kingdom of University were not so blessed... and better still no one seemed to care.. everyone was more interested in the contents of ones mind. If one of the fair and lovely could not answer the question posed or argue for or against a point raised...their power melted away.
UD felt right at home.
Whilst University was a delightful reprieve from the ravages puberty had forced upon her, UD had a secret wish in her heart. She had noticed that University had students who were both blessed with cerebral skills and the appearance of being fair and lovely. Instead of resenting the unfairness of this, she secretly wished to be one of them. If truth be told UD really could have done with having just one special someone that she could share her innermost thoughts with. It was lovely to be surrounded by people who appreciated her mind but she wanted to be special to just one person. This more than anything motivated her secret wish... for she had noticed that boys at University just like boys at school, gravitated to the fair and lovely.
Of course... three years is a long time. Three years can take one to the end of the path of adolescence and into the first bloom of womanhood. Of course UD was far to busy with her studies to notice this.
She made a friend with a cerebral, but fair and lovely young man called Krisopher. Krisopher came from a land far far away, and took great exception to UD's wardrobe. In Krisopher’s land, knowledge of how to put together an outfit came as second nature. He insisted that UD sell him all her tragic clothing and take the money to go and buy some clothing that had something he called style. Of course UD had no idea what this was, so they spent many happy months assembling a new wardrobe for her. Krisopher also took exception to her grooming and patiently spent many hours showing UD how to make the most of her first bloom of womanhood. He was a rather complex individual, one moment able to argue the origins of radio (claiming Macaroni’s patent to be plagiarism), and the next being able to wittily reduce a room to tears (with his raconteur skills). They all but moved into each others accommodations and were inseparable. It became hard for anyone to speak UD's name without using Krisopher’s right along side it. Kristopher was able to be her best friend, her tutor, her stylist and love interest all rolled into one.
Except... for a love interest... there was precious little loving going on!
UD had absolutely no intention of keeping any of her virtues, and made it quite clear to Krisopher and many occasion that if he felt so moved he could have first dibs!. A statement that only forced Krisopher into brotherly cuddles during which he told her she was 'priceless'.
During the last few days of the final year at University, the unexpected happened.
UD got another suitor.
Andrew was almost as fair and lovely as Kristopher But there were some differences UD could not help but notice. He not a witty as Krisopher, his interest in UD's presentation was certainly ardent, but he had no interest in the mechanics of how this came to be. UD has slightly bewildered as to what on earth to do with him. He was ever present.. but any suggestions to go and do something...like shopping, or maybe go for a manicure or waxing was met with derision on his part. What on earth did he want from her?
UD was given little option but to have it out with Andrew. Andrew was quite shocked and angry that she felt that he was somehow competition for Krisopher. He laughed cruelly in her face. When he saw that she was genuinely upset, he asked he if she had any idea why Krisopher often wore T-shirts emblazoned with the legend "Good As You... and proud". UD informed Andrew it was to symbolise that he was both Cerebral and Fair and Lovely... that he had a foot in both camps and was proud of this. Andrew melted at such innocence and gently informed her that Good As You is popularly acronymied as GAY. Homosexual. Never likely to be remotely interested in deflowering what was patiently obvious to Andrew as a bud that had come into bloom.
UD felt a rush of many emotions as the truth of the matter of Krisopher's sexuality sunk in. The most foremost emotion was rage. This of course worked well for Andrew as she insisted he deflower her right there and then - a task he took to with some enthusiasm and no questions asked. UD refused to ever talk to Krisopher again.
University came to an end.
UD returned to her pond.
The years had not been too kind to the fair and lovely that she had left behind... many of whom were worn out looking after a brood of their own. Once more UD did not fit in...despite her recent deflowering, UD had enough education to know how not to have a brood until she was ready...so she did not fit in with the residents of the pond. However, UD's education meant a lot of people from the job market over on the big pond were interested in her.
UD started work, but before long she had a visit from Andrew. He was very keen that they move to the big pond together. This seemed to make perfect sense so UD once more packed her belongings (this time she instinctively knew what was right and needed no help from American magazines!).. and Andrew and her moved to the big pond.
A whole decade went by. Both UD and Andrew had done very well for themselves and had one of the nicest nests on the big pond. Although they moved in a large circle of friends who had similar background, UD had gathered around herself a smaller circle of male friends. As all these men to man were Gay, she felt Andrew would not feel threatened by them. However Andrew did feel deeply annoyed that she had a void he could not fill, so solved the problem by leaving the boyfriend role open to all comers as he was OUT OF THERE!.
UD was alone again. Her small inner circle picked her up, dusted her down and got her back out there again.
Within months along came Vinny. He was nothing like Andrew. For a start he had never been to university, being one of the fair and lovely he was snapped up by the local job market before he even finished school. Vinny was interested in anything that glittered - gold or otherwise. He found her inner circle non threatening and got along with them very well though he clearly could not be one of them. Actually as he had no brood of his own, but was very keen to start one with UD...which was timely as her biological clock had begun to tick loudly.
They did not hurry. UD was badly burned by the Andrew experience and Vinny had a whole heap of complicated relationship past debris to clear up... in fact it took three years. Just as the three years had past... Vinny and UD started a brood of their own... so Vinny moved into the nest on the big pond. UD stopped working in the big pond and was very happy, she had her brood and she had Vinny.
And eight years went by.
There was no trouble in paradise, no signposts, no writing in blood on the walls.... nothing. Vinny decided he'd like to start another brood somewhere else with someone else... but to do this he needed the money from the nest on the big pond. UD tried to make him see reason - to sell the nest would leave her and the brood homeless.... but Vinny wanted the money and insisted on the sale.
So UD sold the nest that she and Andrew had bought on the Big Pond and gave a large amount of money to Vinny.
But UD and her brood still had her inner circle. They picked her up (again), they dusted her off (again) and got her out there (again).
But this time UD did not find a man to replace Vinny. She found herself.
She looked in the mirror and there were no stubby brown feathers. Apparently they hadn't been there since university! She thought back to university and how shabbily she had treated Krisopher and felt ashamed. She Googled his name and found he was doing well for himself in the land far far away. She sent him an e-mail apologising. He e-mailed back. .... He said to her... pity you didn't know back then that another word for Gay is Fairy. Fairy's will always look after their princesses... now stop wasting time e-mailing apologies and go have a fabulous life!
So she did.
And like all fag-hags...she lived happily ever after.
THE END
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