13 March
BLOG EIGHT: The great unwashed, gold taps and marble bathrooms
a Ha! we are in the grips of a global recession! Don't I know it... last Friday 13th (And yes it is now the 2nd of the three Friday 13th's we have this year) I was told by my company that my job 'had been selected to be removed from the structure'... which is HR speak for you have just been made redundant.
So after over 2 decades of being continuously employed... I am now unemployed.
I am now one of the great unwashed. (Though I supposed due to the advent of indoor plumbing for all... even us unemployed folk can afford a bath)
I have to admit joining the great swath of unemployed folk has not been as traumatic as I at first assumed. The first few days were spent cleaning the house to the standard that only a dedicated housewife can achieve... tops of doors, the inside rim of windows (oh come on if you work who has the time to open windows and clean the seal between the frames), and all those curious places that you never really bother with, the s-bend out the back of the loo, the insides of lampshades, the skirting board behind the units etc etc. But there comes a point when you've hoovered the mattresses more than once in a week that you realise you are sliding into obsession.
Trauma comes in many forms... OCD as a reaction to redundancy seems to be mine!
So I needed to get on with doing something that got me out of the (very shiny) house... and didn't cost me any money. So what better than taking on the benefits system. Lots of appointments in municipal buildings, and lots of purposeful form filling between appointments... PLUS... this exercise would surely generate some much needed income whilst I await one of my CV's to hit home with my whomever my next employer will be.
Having never even claimed a discount on council tax - this was virgin territory. Luckily I have a great friend who managed to compile a list of where to start.. they pay you to be at home, they cover your rent, they pay for your kid, they even let you off council tax.. all you have to do is fill in the forms . After all I'd paid tax all these years.. it was due me! Redundancy was less of a problem and more of a winning lottery ticket, people are always saying they'd be better off on the dole than working...after all we are always reading stories of people on benefits living in the lap of luxury whilst we poor wage monkeys are out there grafting. Well I am a wage monkey NO MORE!
And if these tales are true, I may be one of the great unwashed now but I will be able to claim enough to get gold taps and a marble bathroom...all I have to do is ask!
First port of call was the Job Centre (or Job Centre Plus as it is now trendily and pointlessly called). First a two hour marathon phone call with a nice scottish lady who wanted to know everything about me and phrased each question in 8 different ways at eight different points to see if she could trip me up! (And your date of birth is?; ah so you born on? How old were you on the day your son was born? Your birthday is? What was the month and year and day of your birth? etc etc). Hence why her 'few simple questions ' took two hours! Satisfied that I really was born when I said I was (like my NHS no and Passport No did not reveal the same information... surely she has a computer her end) She made an appointment for me to see her live local colleague the following Friday... and could I please bring .... proof of my Date Of Birth etc etc. (WHEN will these government departments learn to cross reference).
The Job Centre Plus is very different from the old grey labour exchange of my youth! For a start it is orange and purple and pink! When you arrive you are met by 'hostesses'. HONESTLY!!! I thought I was in a restaurant... Two girls in pink sweatshirts (emblazoned with the legend JOBCENTREPLUS... Can I Help? )were holding clip boards and checking your name is down on the 'guest' list! If your name is down you are in. (EVER WONDERED WHY there are always people loitering outside a job centre?.... if you are early you are not allowed in(!).. you are politely asked to pop back (like when your table is ready???).... but you are unemployed..WHERE are you going to go?
So your name is down and you are told which floor to go to.
On arrival on your floor, you are met by what I can only describe as a bouncer who checks you are on HIS list then ushers you to a pink, a purple or an orange IKEA sofa and informs you you will be called by your case worker as soon as they are available. To amuse yourselves in the mean time please avail yourself of the machines and magazines.
Now in case you think you are in Vegas, I hasten to add the orange, pink and purple touch screen machines are not slots, but an intranet version of the job centres website. You simply tap in your desired job and it prints out on a piece of shiny loo roll.. Job Title, Location, Wage, Closing Date and Description... even details of how and where to apply. Bloody different from the hand written cards on boards they had many yonks ago!
Then the Magazines... I came a cross a high production spec little number called INSPIRE... that takes you through the life affirming stories of wasters just like you who have been in the same boat as you but have got off their butts and secured dazzling positions like warehousemen or class room assistants and have freed themselves from the shackles of the benefits system. The magazine would not look out of place with any of the cheaper women's weeklies... loads of bright colours, big photographs and heart warming TRUE stories. Inspire is FULL of handy little hints like... 'Don't be scared to apply for a job, you may have just what the employer is looking for'... or 'It's great working cause you get to meet loads of new people and earning money is such a help!'. Revealing stuff... HOW did they come up with that!
Then you get called over to a desk (yes it may be orange, or pink or purple... you don't get to choose so this bit is like being in Vegas...I made a bet with myself that I'd get purple... and just like Vegas I lost... I got Orange). You then get to talk to someone who talks to you in the quiet breathy tones you probably last heard if you've ever been concussed and a nurse is talking to you. I got the distinct impression my case worker thought I was very simple and needed to be patronised and smiled at often. SCARILY OFTEN.
Anyway, interview over (yep exactly the same interview I had on the phone) I got given a little booklet (clearly made by the same people who publish INSPIRE) which is full of handy hints like... look for work, apply for jobs, go to interviews... ground breaking stuff you could have NEVER thought of all by yourself!. They also give you a little book called LOOKING FOR WORK which has 5 columns in it that you must fill in . Your 'home work is checked fortnightly by your case worker so PLEASE be neat!
Here are the columns...
What I Did * Date * What happened * What I will Do Next * When
I joke not! They are VERY serious about the Looking for work book...if yo don't fill it in they won't even consider you for benefits... you MUST write as follows:
What I Did * Date * What happened * What I will Do Next * When
Looked in Paper 28/02/09 Saw an advert for a job I can do Sent my CV and cover letter 28/02/09
Yep... I know... don't even say it.
Anyway that is it for the pink, purple and orange softly spoken paradise of the Job Centre Plus. (Till homework checking time anyway as they make you diarise a new appointment before letting you leave). They said they'd send me a letter though to let me know my entitlements... things do move rather slowly... but not to worry I'm in the system now.
Then it was time to go visit the wonderful town hall to register for entry to the world of Council Tax benefit and Housing Benefit
Now this is more like it... as grey and as miserable as your circumstances...don't know about your council but mine does not find handing out benefits a colourful proposition.
We start of course with the ubiquitous telephone interview... again about as long as a double lunch break, at the end of which you will be told that they will send you a 10 page A4 booklet to complete, once complete please go to the town hall with as many pieces of ID that you would need to apply for the CIA. I needed to bring the following:
Driving Licence
Birth/Marriage/Divorce Certificate
NI number card
Euro Medical Card with NHS number on it
Cheque book and Credit Cards
bank Statements
Any benefit books
Notification award letter for Universal Child benefit
Life assurance/insurance policy details
P60/P45 or letter from inland revenue
2 recent consecutive wage slips
Proof of rent including tenancy agreement
Proof of any income of dependant children (ie the childs savings)
I have just wasted 2 hrs on the phone now I have to transfer all the same information to a massive booklet that is coming at some point... and I have to purchase a WHEELBARROW to drag a load of ID to the town hall.
On arrival at the grim grey town hall....the entrance door had the comforting statement sellotaped to it:
THERE IS A RECESSION. THIS MEANS WAITING TIMES TO BE SEEN WILL BE A MINIMUM OF 2HOURS. PLEASE ENSURE SMALL CHILDREN ARE UNDER CONTROL AND THAT YOU ARE PREPARED TO WAIT AND LISTEN FOR YOUR NUMBER TO BE CALLED OUT. WE THANK YOU NOT TO TAKE YOUR FRUSTRATIONS OUT ON OUR STAFF.
Oh yippee! this will be fun.
No hostesses this time... just a big bloke in a security uniform ... he gives you a number and says.. sit over there and points vaguely to what looks like the waiting room for the only doctor on earth during the plague. He says my number will appear on the dot matrix board on the wall and I should go to the collection point that comes up at the same time. i meekly go sit.
There are a lot of grubby children running about with no visible owners let alone controllers. Everyone seems to be just ignoring them.. so I do likewise. However, not once in the many hours I was in there did one of those children be approached by an adult... maybe they came with the room? One thing for sure, unlike the happy clappy treatment the labour exchange has got, claiming off the council has been organised to make you feel ashamed of yourself. Everyone is sitting miserably looking down at their feet and shuffling to find comfort in the chairs designed to displace your spine. Occasionally someone glances up at the dot matrix board, but quickly returns to studying their footware.
I watch the system such as it is... it is rather like being in Argos. 'Case 4102 to collection point 5b' flashes up on the screen. A tired looking woman gets up and walks towards a booth which has 5B stuck on the security glass. 5B like all the other booths has one chair on the non council worker side. The council worker on the otherside indicates that the woman should put her paperwork and ID into the tray that slides under the glass... rather like the old fashioned banks used to have before they became customer friendly again. Clearly the council as learn not to be friends with it's non tax paying residents.
It only took three hours (of which 75% was waiting time), but having established at length that I have lost my job due to redundancy rather than fecklessness, the council say they will get back to me about whether or not I have qualified to get some assistance with my housing and release from having to pay a couple of hundred pounds in council tax until I find a job. After all that ... things are as unresolved as before I filled in the 10 page booklet and transported a hundredweight of paperwork over to the town hall... BUT at least I am in the system.
Next was the delightful world of tax credits.
This was bizarre... HM revenue and Customs don't like to meet you. They want you to complete a book (they call it a 6 part claim form but I know a book when I see one)... then a succession of weird people ring you up on your land line and ask you to answer 'security questions'... hello... YOU rang ME?????. Then they write to you and say... due to your recent unemployment you are not working so you are not currently paying tax so you have no credits.
Emmmmmmmmmmmm. No shit Sherlock.
However they did ring me back ...a nice young man told me they have decided that Child tax credit can be looked into.... and they'll get back to me. And they did... a nice lady rang to ask me the same questions the nice man who rang asked me. She said she'd get back to me... but I'm in the system now.
Yep that phrase again... I'm in the system now of Business Link, Learning for Work,...oh and Options and Choices to name but a few... these noble organisations all offer support and funding to the great unwashed... just fill in a form, attend an interview... and they'll get back to you.
And everyone is getting back to me.
So ... it's Friday 13th Again.
Since I got my redundancy notice this day last month, I 've gained a clean house, I've been smiled at (a Lot) by soft spoken people who have changed the Labour Exchange into a cafe/club, I have communed by sign language through bullet proof glass at the council, I have spoken to HM revenue and Customs at lot who have subsequently written to me to tell me I have lost my job. I have joined all the back to work schemes. None of these exercises have got me any closer to state assistance in my time of need.
How does anyone get anything other than phone calls, forms to fill in, and a bad back from hours waiting to be seen in municipal offices!
I am beginning to wonder if the stories of the great unwashed living so well on benefits that they have gold taps in marble bathrooms is not just a big old fairy tale after all!
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