BLOG 2: Promised Brides, Kissing Cousins... and the internet

17 January 09
Blog 2 _Promised brides, kissing cousins and the internet
I mistakenly thought that only there were only 2 types of people who got married early. 1. Promised Brides (of which there were a few at my school following in influx of asians from Uganda) and 2. Kissing Cousins (of which there were non as my school was in deepest South London and NOT the deep south of the USA).
Later in life as I sat in the cinema guffawing at 4 Weddings and a funeral (ho ho ho! ...a wedding every weekend that is Sooooo true!!!....hah hah ha!) it never occurred to me that all my friends had been dating with a purpose, living with fellas as a 'trial' and selecting and finally purchasing the one they wanted to see them through.

It never occurred to me that you had a window of 15 years to complete the mission... I didn't know I was on one!

Now before you shriek that my parents let me down by not pointing this out to me .. I best explain the circumstances.

My Mother has been happily married since approx 6 months before I was born. She married a lone-parent who had a daughter and went on to add a further two daughter to the set. She is a great advocate of the institution of marriage, and like all mothers of daughters loved the moments when she has watched her daughter walk down the aisle and has been the 'important mother' at the weddings. Unfortunately... these occasions have always been of the same daughter as my younger sister has so bought into the belief system about weddings.. that once was simply not enough for her. So maybe my mother was distracted by the fact her first born had never walked the confetti strewn path due to the fact she had enough weddings to stress about on a regular basis.

As for my father.. he was a bit ahead of his time. Product of a lone-parent himself (his father went to WW2 and didn't come back) and later a lone-parent himself (albeit for a short while..it was still rare at that time) he brought his girls up to be self reliant and was never more proud than when we would sing along with Beyonce and the gals to Independent Woman and (despite that fact we all had men-folk) could genuinely reflect the lyrics!

It was not as if I had been sitting on a shelf or wilting with the wallflowers. I'd been shacking up with guys since I was 18. The first was my college sweetheart whom I lived with between the ages of 18 - 29, and the next who later became the father of my child I lived with between the ages of 30-43. Both had asked about matrimony and to both I fudged the issue until it dropped from regular dialogue. On occasion I had to wear the ring on my finger (I BOUGHT IT!) and have an engagement party (I BOUGHT IT!) in order to placate the man in in question ... and also at a certain age and duration of a relationship saying Fiance sounds so much better than saying boyfriend. But marriage to me didn't seem like something I could visualise for me.

Reason?... think about it... what kind of man would live in a house owned by his girlfriend, where the bills are addressed to his girlfriend and the car is bought by his girlfriend? I ain't saying these two gentlemen were freeloaders cause they paid their share of the bills when asked... but these are not joint account kind of guys... these are bad boys. The kind of dark, brooding, exciting , thrilling, no two days the same, hi honey I've gone to New York to buy a guitar hope you didn't cook tea...BAD GUYS.
And my god whilst it lasted... and each relationship lasted longer than some of my friends marriages and ALL of my sister's... it was an affirmation that being alive is a trip! But you don't marry a trip... you ride it out.

The trip ended 2 months before I turned 44... and I've been single ever since.

It ain't no mystery why I am single.. I dated bad boys, I shacked up with them till my early forties and when I finally came to my senses... the good ones were all taken.

And all those friends who dated with a purpose, trial marriaged on a plan and married for the assurance of companionship, look at me over the bloated bellies and balding heads of the what has become of the young men they married 24 years ago and coo... see where sexy got ya! Which I don't mind... they are right. In a room full of 100 sensible choices, I'd lift the carpet edges to find the brooding misunderstood poetic type and choose him... so yeah I deserve the see there THAT got ya.

But then they RUIN it! They get all compassionate and say that bloody word... INTERNET.

I am not allowed to comment on my single status unless i am registered on line to some bloody last chance saloon agency! If i don't i SIMPLY DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE ENOUGH. As if Mr Right is definitely absolutely guaranteed to be online. As if unless you are willing to be on-line for a zillion hours agreeing to meet strangers for 'cups of coffee' YOU DO NOT WISH TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN GROW OLD ALONE AND DIE WITH ONLY A CAT FOR COMPANY IN YOUR LAST MOMENTS.

This thought is backed up by the fact that when I go out and I meet someone in the normal way ...he is always 'too young'. And therefore not suitable for accompanying me on what they view as the last gasping moments of life before the steady decline that leads to death. How they wish I had made better choices when i was younger (like they did) as although their hubbies are now not quite the specimens displayed on the mantelpiece in the wedding picture circa 1982-1989... at least they have SOMEONE.

It is often said to me that being late forties means the last thing I should be doing is being so laid back about my single status... that I should learn from my past mistakes and do something about catching up with my peers. It is often said to be that being late forties means staying home, snuggling on the couch, enjoying your family and preparing for the quiet time that is steadily approaching... and if I don't have a husband to snuggle I should at least spend my precious free hours trawling the internet for one.

Well sorry.. not happening. I am not in a rush and I don't need it THAT BAD. I have other things to do right now and YES sometimes that does mean going out having fun, celebrate being single and not yet elderly and enjoying being alive and living in LONDON the damn best city on the planet!

You found your partners for life through spontaneous acts which lead you to the unknown and out of that came HIM. So why can't I? Do you really believe with 1 in 4 marriages ending in divorce there are NO GOOD MEN OUT THERE? Of course there are, and eventually one will come my way. Naturally. And if in between I amuse myself with someone who is NOT marriage material, why should that be viewed as wasting time whilst the clock steadily counts down to Armageddon?!

I know I'm funny, I know I'm smart and I know I'm damn fine looking... but I really don't feel I should rush about trying to snag someone before it all disappears! Who I am has never been validated by whom I am with.. so STOP asking me to sign up on line okay... accept it there is not a reason why there is no one by my side right now... it's simply just the way it is.

And if I'm okay with it... so should you be.


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