BLOG 140: Bye Bye Baby

BYE BYE BABY

“If you have never been dismissed by your child...you have never been a parent” Bette Davis

It is an odd thing when you realise that the people who sacrificed the most for you, who will love you unconditionally , who are genuinely invested in your future, are the two people you least want to call for a chat. I'm talking about parents here... and if you are one of those people who call yours 5 times a day... then either stop reading Now or carry on reading for an insight into the world of the unrewarding child. For I am that child.

It's a terrible thing to play favourites. Good parents go out of their way not to favour one child over the other, making sure attention is doled out equally and that they never say to any of their offspring's face (at least) “You're my favourite”. It must be hard as one is either engaged with another human being or not... and sometimes offspring or not, a child can be pretty dull if you do not share the same perspective or interests. Never the less good parents cajole, advise, love and comfort all their children through babyhood, childhood, adolescence and into adulthood. However once the job is done many a parent finds themselves off their child favourite confidante list.

To lose intimacy with a child at this point must cause a deep grief – a sensation one does not expect to have for a living relative. But the reality for parents of grown up children who never call, who never invite their parents round, who somehow think of their parents as simply another chore is that the carefully nurtured relationship has died. All that remains is a faintly humiliating one way flow of love. I'm not saying that there is a big outstanding debt of love and the offspring are feckless and ungrateful... but I am saying that it's got to hurt.

It's a natural progression that the child will become an adult and go forward into the world and stand upright alone. It's a natural progression that is somewhat flagged up by nature by reducing the cute factor of any child on the run up to adolescence, then ensuring the mood swings of adolescence itself encourage a gradual letting go by even the most enamoured of parents. I doubt if there is much than can prepare a parent for the vacuum caused by an empty nest but it strikes me as odd that they didn't see it coming. Parenting ends with the child being able to fend for itself.

A parents job is to teach responsibility, decision-making and consequences of actions. The point is to provide a solid emotional, physical and educational foundation so that the child can get on with building a life. It's not entirely selfless... it's in a parent interest to let loose sound people into the future - after all it is those very people who will be in charge of making decisions for the parents final days.

So why is it that only 47% of grown adults actually get around to having meaningful relationships with their parents after they have flown the coup? Surely if responsibility has been instructed properly, surely if the relationship was warm and loving ...a change of location and the passing of years should not bring about an end to dialogue.

Ermmmmmmmmmmm.

Here lies the problem of this unrewarding child .

My parents were fantastic. My childhood was (eight occasions out of ten) pretty much the source of envy amongst my friends. I laughed more than I cried. I was never bored, I had more ex-curricular activities than most kids of my era... Saturday morning pictures, dance lessons, music lessons and ice-skating was our family sport. I went to sporting events, concerts (their taste and mine), toured around these beautiful islands ( I grew up before every man jack flew to the sun). Went to youth club, Girls Brigade, went away to camp and during the long long summer break was allowed to hang out with my mates with a freedom modern children would find hard to comprehend. Sure all this came with a long line of chores and expectation and I operated under a set of rules that made it clear my freedom would come to an abrupt halt should it impinge on anyone else's.

You would think having admitted my parents were fantastic and that they set me up well for adult life I would be on the phone ever 5 minutes since leaving home.

But I'm not.

And you know why? Because my parent's are my parents. They brought me up to have values I believed in and build for myself a life I could trust... a life that would make me happy. They really didn't give me any indication that a reward for their hard work should be anything more than me being happy in a life that I could trust.

So I need something I have built for myself that I can trust. To make all my parents hard work mean something. My Jobs never turned out to be for life. My long term relationships never turned out to be forever. Quite a few of the things I built since leaving home one by one/bit by bit have all crumbled to nothing. Not in a boo-hoo poor me kind of way, just in a "It's the modern world - go figure" kind of way. Abandonment is something my parents never had to deal with. They came from a world more stable in it's values and commitments. It is the curse of all parents to be equipping children for a world that they themselves have no knowledge of.

BUT something I did build was my friendships. These relationships have become my one constant- the family I chose,the family I built... the network of people I've created because of the values and strength my parents gave me.

So it seems entirely natural that I confide in them and NOT my parents. To discuss the variables of my life with my parents seems a huge betrayal...to let them view the incompleteness of their labours. Besides... that's what my friends are for. And if that makes me an unrewarding child then so be it.

To me my parents were the people who gave me solid foundations, who prepared me for life and adulthood. I was never prepared for the possibility of my parents becoming my friends.

I've always thought that the parent-child relationship was so special, so exclusive that being friends was the complete antipathy of it. They never really cared if I liked them or not, they were clear in their mission to prepare me for adulthood. Some of the decisions they took did not predisposes them to win any popularity contests. Even though I knew they were pretty interesting and had great back-stories before they were my parents – it was a little difficult to see them as people. They were my parents.

However it now appears it is de rigueur to be mates with your parents. It is not enough to vaguely be around your parents life - you have to be knee deep in it, and they yours. You should be socially interacting with them as you would your mates. Okay that is at the extreme end of the scale but at the very least you should be constantly checking in with news and requests for advice.

The very thought appals me. Call me old fashioned but I'd rather not divulge the minutia of how adulthood is working out for me with my parents. I just prefer to allow them the feeling that in this thing... they completed the job. To me this latest development would be like saying “Hey … hi...it's me, your number two offspring, well, you know that life you set me up for ,you know all the hours you worked so I could have dance classes and skating boots, the parent-teacher meetings so I could be put in the classes that would stretch me, the long drive to uni...well...it didn't QUITE work out... sorry about that now... either of you fancy that new club in town?”.

I may still be a work in progress and probably always will be … but they set me up to be able to build my own life...and to me that also includes my own support network.

So no...I don't go out dancing with my Dad. My Mother and I don't shop for shoes together. And no... I have no reason to call them 5 times a day with updates on my life. I have no desire to get more intimate with them than anything that occurred during the 18 years of them setting my moral compass. Decades have past since I left the parental home and I am now a parent myself. But not much has changed fundamentally. My Parents remain in the role of my parents, I cannot think of any upgrade on that role. It is an exclusive part only open to the two people who bore and raised me... anything else would be a downgrade in my eyes. My parents are not my mates.

In fact I would go as far as to say that the way I behave and communicate with my friends is completely different from the way I act and talk to my parents. I love them unconditionally, what they have done (and continue) to do for me is selfless in the extreme and I value our connection. I discharge my daughterly duties with love and enthusiasm... but at a respectful distance.

I'm all grown up now. I am lucky enough to have friends. And I'm lucky enough to still have parents.

And I am old enough to know there IS a difference.

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