“Showing off is the fool's idea of glory.” Bruce Lee
As much as most of us know that ANY reaction is a good reaction to them..we just don't seem to pull of ignoring a show off. To be fair though, it is hard to ignore as showing-off is irritating, in your face, “look at moi, look at moi” behaviour. Show-offs generally get what they want – heaps of attention ranging from comments such as “aren't you so clever!” through to having“For the love of munkis put a ruddy sock in it” screamed in their face - thus many find it this active 'Notice Me' behaviour very rewarding.
I want to go on the record as saying.... I RUDDY DON'T!!!! it does my head in when people start on the old validation through tremulous applause route. NO... I will not applaud your every action from sun up to sun down. No sit down shut up
I had dinner with a great pal of mine recently, who is a comedian by trade. (If any job involves more opportunity to stand alone before thousands having your every utterance appreciated... then do let me know) But whilst discussing a mutual friend (who has a legendary talent for showing off) he said that if she once more rubbed his face in it about how multi-skilled/talented/generally brilliant she was he was gonna have to resort to violence! (Though the way he described the particular violent act was testimony to just how great he is at HIS job... hilarious).
I have to admit I agreed. This particular mutual friend IS without a doubt a lovely girl... but man! she don't half show off. And it's not just the boasting – she also has aside line in self-effacing whinging which also comes out as “look at moi, look at moi”... and also demands the obligatory “aren't you so clever!
She is particularly thoughtless to the circumstances of her given audience on any particular day. I recall once she had an unfortunate accident whilst skiing which resulted in her having to hobble about on crutches for a few months till her leg set. I will not take it away from any former able bodied person that having to use crutches is a trial. Especially in London. London has been a major settlement for two millennia now, so does not have in it's central design ease of access for the disabled (however temporary). So my friend was huffing and puffing trying to negotiate her way around Paddington Station rail and tube. She spied the lift down to the platform and availed her self of it. Also waiting for the lift was a gentleman in wheelchair. She gave him the 'comrade in arms' look and when he returned a smile she said loudly (with that slight pivot that show offs do to ensure any passing ear benefits from their every utterance) “Gosh you are so lucky, they have ramps and everything for you, I tell you it's MURDER trying to get onto the train with crutches”. Whilst I tried to shrivel my entire form into the ground with shame, I heard the gentleman in the wheelchair soothe my show off friend with the obligatory “aren't you so clever!
As my comedian friend said during our dinner the other night... “Only she could think that a wheelchair user is better of than a person with their leg in a temporary splint!”
But that's the thing about a show off. THEY need to glorified... it doesn't matter what the other persons reality is... the only thing that needs to be recognised and applauded is THEM.
Show offs come in many forms. We all know the bragger. The Kanye West of every crowd.
ASIDE: Actually I have a sneaking respect of Mr West...anyone who can brag to the extreme he does probably deserves all the accolades... take this little bit of genius showing off...My raps is better than yours. My plaques is better than yours. My tracks is better than yours - Let you have one but I'll have to charge(I presume he did charge Kellis when she borrowed this riff for her hit Milkshake).
Where was I... yeah... Show offs come in many forms... the Bragger...
If someone has done something extraordinary then YES of course they should be praised. If someone is doing well or if someone just needs a little recognition and support from the people who matter most to them... well OF COURSE that's not bragging.
If someone wants to draw attention to something they have done, will done or will do in the future... well OF COURSE that's not bragging.
Nothing wrong with drawing attention to yourself for worthy reasons... that's how to get support when you need it, validation when you deserve it and is a major tenant of advertising. Nothing wrong with THAT at all. But pointless arbitrary bragging is different.
Bragging always sources from people who think that by merit of their very existence, they worthy of praise. If they had the world the way they'd like it... they'd live in a TV comedy... you know the ones I mean... the ones where the pre-taped audience burst into applause every time a certain character enters the room. I have no idea why these people can't just get on with getting up, doing what the rest of us have to do, then going back to bed... but no..... APPLAUSE PLEASE!!! I got up at 6.30 am this morning YAY!!!! I work full time YAY!!!! I got my husband/flatmate/ cat(whatever) their dinner YAY!!! I did the ironing YAY!!! I had sex with my husband/flatmate/cat (whatever) YAY!!!. Oh My Giddy Aunt!!!.... these things are soooooooooooo mundane.... we ALL do them... ALL the time... sometimes all AT the same time!. WHY for the love of munkis do I have to applaud YOU???
Then there is the topper. Don't matter what you have done...they've done it better.
The worse thing about the topper is that they are the people who contact YOU. They approach YOU because they want to hear YOUR news. However, look at a topper when you talk to one. You'll know because their eyes have glazed over. It doesn't matter that they contacted you to find out how your new job is going and you are telling them all about it with great enthusiasm... they have NOT heard ONE word. As soon as you pause for breath... and often even before...they launch into a story about THEM. And you know what...most of the time what they are boasting about isn't even more valid than what you've achieved. To a topper it doesn't matter that you are now on the cusp of curing cancer because the most fascinating thing in the world is the fact they have a been praised to high heaven by their boss for the tea they made last Tuesday. And as a topper will always point out to you...THAT'S what really matters in the final analysis.
Of course the exceptionally expressive show off is the most embarrassing show off of them all. For this band of show off it's all about the volume.
It's a bit dodgy hanging out with this show off. Their need to be admired equates with turning heads and the fastest way to turn heads is to be the source of noise. They turn your table in a restaurant into the LOUDEST TABLE ...they throw their head back and laugh so loudly as if to say “SEE WHAT FUN I AM HAVING”, They will talk inappropriately to complete strangers as if to say “WHAT A CARD I AM”... except everyone is really thinking “What a prat”. Not that the exceptionally expressive show off even notices... because to them they are the life and soul of the party... the cherry on everyone's cup cake.
And I suppose that is the worse thing about all the types of show offs is that initially show offs are fun. They are outgoing and good communicators... they certainly are not shy or tongue tied. The problem is that the fun is only initially. It really doesn't take long for you to be wishing the 'fun' was over. The bigger problem is that the rest of us don't want to be the pin in the show offs bubble. Popping someone's bubble is a cruel thing to do. But popping your bubble is what a show off does to you every time they hog centre stage. They monopolise everyone's attention so everyone ends up listening to them, admiring them, focusing on them. They think they set the bar of everyone's aspirations when all they really do is push their friends and family's bar of tolerance to annoyance higher and higher!
But what can we do...eh?
We all know show offs. We all find show offs entertaining (for a while at least).
My friend the comedian pointed out to me that many in his trade (and now when I come to think about it mine too) are show offs because they are begging for the one thing that has a significant impact on their happiness... OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS. They cannot estimate for themselves if they or their actions are worthy, so they need others to say ““aren't you so clever!” For them it's not something they'd quite like, it's actually something they NEED to survive.
Well I suppose that may be true. Inferiority complexes do spur people on to perform, to write, to create – so confound people who gave them the idea they were useless. From Eric Morecambe (terrible at school) to Oprah Winfrey (parent at 14) to Ernest Hemingway (useless at cello) … the need for praise has driven people to achievements way beyond initial expectations. I get the I'll show 'em' attitude. But that is NOT the same as showing off.
I used to pity show-offs. Their continual desire to make themselves the centre of things was to me a victimless crime. I used to subscribe to the school of thought that if someone has to show off they need something from you but you need nothing from them – so you're not exactly a victim... but I think that is not the case.
We all know the house guest who while enjoying your hospitality has to keep pointing out that their home is bigger, better, ideally located... whom without ever saying anything negative about your home leaves you feeling underwhelmed by your own surroundings. We all know the proud parent who without ever once commenting on the fact you help your child nightly and employ a tutor..will tell you how many A*'s their child effortlessly gained at GCSE, leaving you feeling you have spawned a moron. We all know the fellow driver who, while you give them a lift home in your reliable practical and ozone-friendly(ish) car regails the horsepower of their recently purchased sports coupé...leaving you feeling that not just your is car dreary and unexciting.
Show off's are only to keen to belittle other people's achievements whilst on the quest to bigging up theirs. It's ALL about them. It's ONLY about them. To allow them the stage is tacit agreement with them that your achievements are nothing.
I now subscribe to the school of thought that calls show off what they are- validation thieves.
We ALL need validation from each other, and it's just not right that some people deliberately go out of their way to steal the moments where validation should rightly be given to someone else. Human relationships are all about interdependence. I can't think of any major achievement of our species that has ever happened without people coming together. We're at our best when we support each other.
It shouldn't all be about one person all the time.
But sometimes... just sometimes I would really like to hog moments and make them ALL about me. Luckily there is a way folks.... Twitter anybody?!
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