BLOG 98: The LERTS Tale

“I think the one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention” Diane Sawyer Legendary Reporter and Journalist

I wish the words of the great Diane Sawyer were with me this morning when I put my duvet cover into the washing machine…along with my mobile phone.

Yes, my beloved Sony Ericsson has done the 30 degree cycle with my Egyptian cottons and took to the experience like a brick in a pond. I have been advised by the good people at my network provider that if I leave it prone somewhere dry it may just limp back to life in 14 days time. But who has 14 days to be uncontactable on the move? There was no alternative but to visit one of those scary telecommunications outlets and purchase a replacement. (Don’t know about you but I’d rather have root canal work than go in one of those places! – this is a technology that kind of crept up on me… I always feel I’m in an alien world when I’m even near one of those places). I could not believe my lack of attention had put me in this position.

When I was growing up, there was a huge fad for sloganed tee-shirts. The most popular amongst us kids were the nonsense ‘iron-ons’ (so called as the slogans were literally nonsense and came separately from the tee-shirt and had to be quite literally, ironed on). “I’m with Stupid” (with a finger pointing to the left), “You toucha a shirt I breaka u face”… and my personal fave… “Be Alert. the country needs more Lerts”. This morning… despite being a one time wearer of sportswear advising my countrymen of the shortage in Lerts and to do what they can to become one… I was not a Lert.

If I was alert I can I assure you I would not have put a rather expensive communications devise into a wash cycle from which it undoubtedly will not recover.

Grief at the loss of my trust friend had to be a quick process. The sensible move was some fast research on what will be a suitable replacement. I was most heartened to find that the mobile phone makers have realised that adding loads of functions to a devise is actually not what everyone wants. In fact Sony Ericsson had gone as far as to develop the Xperia™ Pureness just for people who hate too many buttons.

Now I like my phones small and unobtrusive and I also like my phones simple. Seeing this particular phone shared the same manufacturer as my drowned model, I figured I was familiar with it already. A big plus was the thought that I won’t be paying for a load of functions I don’t need. Such knowledge almost abated my fear as I entered the scary telecommunications outlet … well almost, naked fear gripped me as I entered.

However, seeing how I started the morning failing to be a Lert, I thought I should at least rescue some self esteem by at least pretending to be informed and assertive.

I approached the least scary of the employees and mentioned the phone that had caught my eye and thought I’d clarify if it was the phone for me.

So I asked… “Look I just need a phone to talk and text… nothing fancy, I don’t need it analyse my blood type, repair a Harley or give me the weather on mars… I just need it to make telephone calls on and send and receive short missives will the Xperia™ do that for me?”

The employee of the scary telecommunications outlet nodded wisely and said, “The Xperia™ Pureness phone represents an alternative approach to life in the complex, digital age by refining the mobile phone to its most essentials functions – Talk. Text. Time. It offers true mobile phone essentials and strips away the unnecessary in both form and function.”

I had to pause for a while to figure out what the hell that meant.

So I asked for clarification: “So, apart from telling the time it just has two buttons… one to call and one to text?”

The employee shook her head gravely and said, “The keys are hidden and only light up when touched. The subtle illumination, with call and message notification, transforms the handset from an object of design to a phone only when needed.”

I had no idea what on earth any of that meant, but the employee was keen to elaborate, “You see The Xperia™ Pureness phone was the world’s first mobile phone with a transparent liquid crystal LCD screen, offering ground-breaking miniaturization technology in the battery, memory card and antenna.”

I was none the wiser, but the walls were beginning to close in on me. There I was a dinosaur surrounded by all these emblems of the new age, phones that massage, make hit records, design catwalk shows… I just wanted a phone that I could talk to people with and send “Sorry I’m Late” messages to my mates so that they don’t think they’ve been stood up. I needed to get out of there.

This girl-woman was standing in front of me talking gobbledy gook and I had no idea if this was the phone for me or not. But one thing for sure… there was no way I was going to go through every phone in the place until we found the phone that was!

So I cut to the chase… so will you take a drowned phone as part exchange, can I keep my old number and it will cost me how much?

For the first time since I entered the store, I heard fluent English…

“No. Yes. £560.”

Which were the last words I heard in the store.

Apparently according to the A & E department, I slipped on water leaking out of my phone and knocked myself out.

No disrespect to our esteemed medical services… but I reckon it is much more likely that I simply passed out from hearing the price of the phone!

FIVE HUNDRED AND SIXTY POUNDS????

For a phone with less buttons than any of the others in the shop! IS THAT WHAT THEY MEAN BY LESS IS MORE??!!!

Phah!

Anyway, I currently have a clean duvet cover blowing on the line. I also have a drowned phone dripping in the garage. I have a small bruise on my butt. A slight concussion and a taxi bill from the hospital.

And before you ask… no… no phone.

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