BLOG 95: Bored of LONDON?

“When a man is tired of London he is tired of life”.

Dr Samuel Johnson Author, Poet and creator of The Dictionary of the English Language.

The most evocative cities in the world have their names inscribed on perfume bottles: London, Paris, New York, Rome, Tokyo. These are the big five; these are cities where stuff happens, where trends are formed, where everyone longs to be. Between them they are home to some 34 million people and a must see destination to many times that number.

My city is one of those evocative cities. London. This is the city where I was born, where I grew up, where everything that really counts in my life took place, where Jax was formed and where I am happy to be.

The old misquote is that when you are bored of London you are bored of life… and I can see how Samuels Johnsons words became rearranged this way. For London is the antithesis of boredom... Truly one would have to have given up on life to find there is no outlet in this city.

It is because of this that I have found that every time I leave London to reside elsewhere…somehow I am drawn back to base. As Prince wrote in his lyrics for Sinead, ‘nothing compares to you’. I always find that despite the delights that were to be found in the British provinces, the European towns, and the places over the ocean… there is a certain something missing. London has the perfect blend of the old, the new, the sublime, the ridiculous, and a certain unforced quirkiness that makes almost ten million of us say Home.

Where else in the world could you hear angels sing in the morning, have tea in a spectacular mansion surrounded by gardens, park and farm, listen to classical music by candlelight in a crypt, then party on the beach after the sun goes down?

In London this is no biggy – simply pop to Westminster Cathedral at 7am to hear to choristers, then drive down to Osterley (one of the last surviving country estates in London) for tea, come back to listen to a bit of the classics at St Martins in the Fields, then roll up your trouser legs to join in the Reclaim the Beach’ parties which take place when the tide goes out on the Thames in front of the Royal Festival Hall.

Not your idea of a cure to boredom? Okay… how about watching the sun come up over the city from a great height, being the driver on the electric trains, then riding a horse through Hyde Park ,watch the Bard on the grass then rest your eyes from all the sights of the day by dining in the dark.

Again, no problem, Greenwich Royal Observatory is where all time is measured from and lies in a huge public park on a hill overlooking the city, (if you are North of the river the less grand Parliament Hill Fields has equally stunning vistas), the DLR train system has no drivers so bag a seat at the front and pretend it’s you, Kensington Stables will rent you a horse and even teach you to ride right in the heart of the west end, the open air theatre at Regents Park put on Shakespearean productions and Dans le Noir gives you great food in pitch darkness to provide a sensory culinary experience.

If that’s all a bit active for you, you can spend a day improving your mind. Of course London had the predictable big museums like the Victoria and Albert, the Science Museum, the Natural History Museum and the National Gallery. But there are quirky ones that just could only be in London and are presented in a purely London vibe.

The Horniman… tucked away in the South London suburbs is one of the best. Skeletons, pickled animals, an aquarium full of mesmerising jellyfish, model insects and Egyptian mummies, and the star attraction – an enormous walrus who definitely was over stuffed before he got there!. Everyone tries to be there at 4pm to see the Apostles clock.

Quirkier still is the Clown Museum where you can get you very own signature clown face (to which no one bats an eye on your journey home!) or Cartoon Museum in Bloomsbury – probably the noisiest museum as it is impossible to observe the exhibits of our nations history in cartoon form without laughing out loud!

Also recording the nations history in print is the National Archive where you can plow your way through 1000 years of official government records (and find out what ‘big brother’ really know about YOU).

Wanna catch up with everything ever published? Then go to the British Library – apart form the fact MY book is in there it also houses the most priciest tomes in history.

You can even have a night at the museum for real… The British Museum does sleepovers if you fancy it! (Actually so does the National History Museum come to think of it!)

Can’t abide the idea of all those animatronics dinosaurs at the National History museum… then the answer is South London again. Crystal Palace Park was the world’s first theme park – built in 1854. It’s full of life size dinosaurs… yep I said 1854 BEFORE anyone even knew what dinosaurs really looked like… so go and enjoy the least accurate theme park in the world!

But if you like a bit more adrenalin in your museum day you can bomb down the river on the Tate-to-Tate catamaran service. The interior and exterior of the boat are decked out in Damien Hirst’s coloured spots and, at the Tate Britain end, it leaves from the striking steel Millbank pier, designed by architects who did the London Eye. And when you get to the Tate Modern press your head against the glass on the 5^th floor… and look down… I dare you!

But where London comes into its own is embracing the bizarre. No where does it better. We’ve come a long way since we burnt weirdos... now we celebrate them.

Time was when Soho was a scandalous place full of dodgy people and ladies of the night. Of course thanks to Jacqueline Gold and her Anne Summers chain, sex has gone mainstream and every mall has a shop where bored housewives can spice up their lives. BUT the old Soho is almost still with us and it is now de rigueur to comb its backstreets where you can still find black windows stores with shelves full of battered copies of Spanky magazine, heated only by Calor gas, and with a genuine London villain eyeing you from the counter.

Or thrill your senses with scones, clotted cream, cucumber sandwiches, aromatic infusions, pink bubbles and dollops of saucy cabaret at the bewitching Volupte Lounge, near Chancery Lane in the City.

Or join the alternative city crowd who after a hard week in pin-stripped suits – there is nothing better than slipping into stilettos and suspenders and belting out those show tunes. And that is just the men! The Way Out Club is just one of many trannie bars which are packed to the rafters with men, women…and those who have not yet decided.

Alternatively if you prefer your musicals more traditional…The Prince Charles theatre show the Sound of Music every Friday night… but the whole audience do tend to dress up in costumes inspired by the movie.

If you prefer less of a song and dance about your performances, the Laban Centre in Deptford performs stunning contemporary dance, or Stand through an opera at the Royal Opera House (Un-seated tickets cost £4 to £9 each).

It’s just endless the things this city has to offer! You can Shoot Hoops at St Giles in the Fields Church (basketball seems to be Gods preferred sport), but don’t forget tennis fans there 20 floodlit courts at Battersea. Or maybe you want to take it easy with a glass of wine aboard a 17^th century Danish ship at St Katherine’s Dock, or sit down with the Queen Mum’s hat maker for just 35 quid and learn how to make a bonnet, or go up and down the Thames helping the Queen count and mark her swans (I kid you not!).

You can cross the Zebra Crossing outside Abbey Road Studios and pretend to be a Beatle, you can drink in a pub at Eel Pie Island and ponder its place in the history of rock and roll. You can go night fishing on Clapham Common, or walk under the moonlight for charity in the “walk the walk”. You can row across the Serpentine, or get spiritual in the amazingly beautiful Kyoto Gardens in Holland Park. You can walk the grounds of Eltham Palace and pretend to be Henry 8^th or stand in the 1930’s living room and ask the ghost of Noel Coward for a martini. If the mood took you there’s nothing to stop you hanging with all the cities ghosts by taking Richard Jones’s Ghost Walks that take you through alleyways and graveyards for the maximum chill factor. You could play farmer on any one of the 17 farms within the city limits. You could simply just stand on the bridge at St James Park and just gawp at the beauty of this town.

All cities have museums, galleries, theatres, bars, clubs and restaurants. But very few allow you to eat your way around the world as enthusiastically and as authentically as London – the city where 44 languages can be heard on any 30 minute walk within its borders.

As a magnet to the world, people are drawn to London from all over. Eventually they assimilate and leave behind their old languages, cultures and even religions… but the one thing they never part with is their food. This is London’s most welcome gift.

You can pretend you are in Tokyo at the Shochu Lounge - Japan’s vodka-like spirit shochu, is doled out in a basement, the wooden vats and rustic bar counters, low tables and plush red seats make for a setting that’s half style bar, half film set for ‘Zatoichi’. Or you can pretend you are in Italy though you’ll actually be in Soho. Where diners and delis smell like heaven should: of wine, bread, olives and meat. Or how about Spain! El Parador in North London is a great place to eat tapas outdoors. You’d never know you were near such busy streets. But British weather isn’t often very Spanish so you could head instead to the gorgeous tapas bar Navarros in the west end. Of course there is always Poland –the real deal can be found at Bar Polski where they churn out bigos, barszcz and kielbasa to soak up the vats of vodka.

You name it you can eat it in London – Caribbean, Chinese, Dutch, Indian, Thai, Swedish, African – I saw a new café only yesterday with a sign saying ‘Authentic Tasmanian Cooking’.

There is always something new in London. There is always something old you haven’t done yet.

This summer I will put a tick to my undone list by going to watch the Great River Race. It’s a million times better than that University boat race everyone else raves about. The Great River Race follows a 22-mile course from Richmond to Greenwich, and features more than 260 ‘traditional’ boats, from Chinese dragon boats to Viking longboats. I’m also going to ride London’s only Steam railway – the one at Kew Gardens. But I think I just may give the free-running courses a miss…can’t see myself jumping like a cat from roof to roof. I might just watch others do it though!

See what I mean… how can anyone say there is nothing to do here?

How can anyone get bored of London? There is so much going on that the only certainty is that one will die without the ‘to do’ list being completed.

I will go better than the great Mr Johnson and you may quote me:

When one is finished with London…one is finished with life.

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