“My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.”
Joyce Brothers
You
really do not have to subscribe to a cause to understand it. I quite
often find myself lending a bit of support to things that personally I
would NEVER do myself, but if they are the choices of my friends and it
makes them happier than sad - then I'm in!
A
few years ago I went to a wicked party. It was in Vegas. It was without
a shadow of a doubt one of the BEST parties I've ever attended. I'm not
a great one for uniforms but we had a strict dress code. I'm not a
great one for all girl shenanigans - but this party was strictly all female.
All the girls wore white and had badges saying their names and the weight in poundage they has shed.
"Hi I'm Lisa and I have shed 148lbs of useless fat!"
"Hi I'm Carol and I have shed 162lbs GO ME!!"
and so on and so . As I said it was one of the best parties I have ever attended. Champagne flowed as the fourteen
beautiful ladies partied the night away at Rain nightclub in the
gorgeous Palms hotel standing out from crowd in their stunning white
gowns.
Needless to say our group attracted a lot of attention.
"Are you from weight-watchers?"
was a popular question. Of course no they were not - though to be
honest a couple of the girls had gone through some remarkable
metamorphoses in their physical appearances, but no... they were not
celebrating success on a traditional weight loss programme. The weight loss to the girls badges referred to the weight of their outgoing spouses. It was a divorce party.
I
have to say I did feel a tad bogus attending; having never been married.
However, having just escaped a thirteen year relationship (longer than
the duration of some of my friends marriages I hasten to add) so I was a bone-fide attendee
and it was terrific fun to celebrate the start of a new chapter of my
life in the company of other women about to do exactly the same thing.
People
often asked me why I have never been married. Actually FAR too often! I usually fudge my
response and change the subject. It's not like I'm unsure of my response
- it's just that those who ask absolutely NEVER like my REAL and TRUE answer.
In
a way it would be better if I could trot out some kind of post-feminist
'right on' answer about chattels and ownership... that would be so much
easier to understand. But that is not what I believe (even though it is
self evident that a father walking his daughter down the aisle to her
groom is obviously a reenactment of the transfer of ownership of a piece
of property). People are prepared for that argument, people know what to do. But really... I don't subscribe to that. In fact I totally do understand that getting married (in the western
tradition at least) is a private romantic thing... the pinnacle of
romantic love. And no... I'm not against that.
In
fact I am off to a wedding this Saturday... and I couldn't be more
misty eyed and happy for my friends who are taking this leap together.
So NO. I am not anti-marriage per se.
But to me... I truly believe that people marry because they think it will be about HIM and HER. And maybe... just maybe... that is exactly what a WEDDING is about. But I truly believe that a MARRIAGE is not.
A marriage never is about him and her.
Marriage
involves taking on many other people. A whole network of them, and sure you
get some of their joys... but you also get all their problems, fears and
difficulties too. Truth
is... I have never wanted any of that. I do not possess the patience to
deal with it. When I'm in relationships I've always wanted - still
always want - my romantic life to be about me and him.
YUP... see what I mean... popular as mud that one. So much easier to fudge some more palatable nonsense about never having found 'the right one yet'. People like that one. So do I - it makes for a MUCH shorter conversation.
It's so much easier for them to digest that than the thought of a little girl
growing up without ever feeling the need to play brides with a towel and
sheet. It's easier for them to accept that I have been 'unlucky and the
search continues' than accept the idea that hitchin my coach to someone
else's horses has never remotely interested me as a lifestyle choice.
I
HAVE TO MAKE THIS CLEAR: I do not condemn those who do - and the very
existence of my alternate view of the tradition does not mean anything
other than what it is. It's just an alternative view. Like in a restaurant two diners may both order steak. But just because one person orders salad and other orders creamed potatoes does not indicate that the salad orderer wishes spuds to be outlawed! Its just a different personal choice.
The
blog before last (No. 221) looked at some rather amusing stats from a
dating website. One of the most uplifting ones was that 80% of people
who divorce go on to marry again. That statistic always puts me in mind of Samuel Johnson when he said of a chap who
remarried quickly after a prior rotten union: "A triumph of hope over experience".
Divorce
is a peculiar state. It makes people do things they thought they would NEVER do. One of the reasons why when the girls ran off to
Vegas to party was that despite the fact all initially promised that the relationship breakdowns would be conducted in a "mature, no-blame, it's one of those
things" kind of way. That was nothing like what actually happened. When long term plans go up in smoke
and your life takes an unexpected turn... no matter how you think you
will handle it, you all end up drunk on the same cocktail:
1 part betrayal
1 part disappointment
1 part hurt
2 parts banality
And
we all know that no one can reason with a drunk. Hardly surprising
then that fueled with that cocktail and finding that there is no legal
recourse or compensation for wasted years, the total value of the
marriage comes down to who can childishly claim ownership of the most
souvenirs of those years that do have a fiscal value. I was the only
one in the party in Vegas that was not embroiled in a lengthy court
battle for the possession of some ugly but valuable antique that was
bought as a wedding present!
My
view has always been that once something so private, so intimate as
romantic love moves into the public arena... well... what's the old
saying... "Too many cooks spoil the broth". So yeah... I'd rather keep my romantic affairs out of the public arena thank you. It's still the same cocktail when it's over.. but at least there are no ugly wedding gifts to fight over at the end.
So
yes, on the understanding that everything ends, I went to Vegas with the girls. BUT what was so great about our Vegas party was
that by putting some miles between us and the broken relationships at
home, we started to see that we should really be celebrating the fact
that everything starts too.
Sure everything ends... but that means what follows are new opportunities and yes new challenges.
For
me it was about leaning to become complete without a partner. The end of that relationship gave me a fabulous opportunity to learn that I will always have plenty of people to do something
with but having no one to do absolutely nothing with is absolutely okay.
But for others it was about reconnection.... it is the something they need to be complete. And that is pretty cool I think.
That's
why I particularly love going to my friends weddings now we are all
over the first flush of youth. These are not the weddings of the school
yard crushes or the unions formed at the university
disco. There is something more meaningful, more considered about the
weddings I'm at these days. Of course it does mean for me another long
day of dodging bullets about my status but hey... I have to love the
fact that they've found another cocktail:
1 part hope
1 part gratification
1 part comfort
2 parts wild optimism
Okay
I don't love the fact they con me into buying them something from yet
another list from the John Lewis Partnership.But hey ho! They throw a
good party...
And for those who were wondering about the Vegas Chicks:
Of the fourteen of us who lit up the dance floor (and a couple of podiums - mentioning no names! - You know
who you are!) of Rain nightclub that crazy February weekend...
Twelve are now remarried. Considering that I was not a divorcee then and
have still have no plans to ever marry now.... my abstinence from the
figures takes the percentile WAY above the statistical average.
"A triumph of hope over experience" Said Samuel Johnson in 1770.
Yes, Mr Johnson, yes indeed... and yet I feel obliged to add that in JaxWorld... I find that the whole point of life Sir?
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