“These are my new
shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they definitely
won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me.
That's it.” Charles Barkley
A few years ago my actress friend Ruby was swept of her feet
by the stunning architect Declan. They make a very handsome couple indeed.
There are not many in our group who do not harbour a bit of a crush on Declan. .. he is
text book: tall, dark and handsome in the way I had always assumed only Disney
Princes were made to look. But Declan is real. Flesh and blood real; he and
Rube’s now have 2 handsome children. However unthwarted by the progression of
time… within our group (male and female alike) crushes abound regarding Ruby’s
catch.
As the realities of post- twenties life kicks in, life in
the middle years seems more about Homebase, Ikea, School-runs, and Volvos than
it ever was before. Our crowd (who were once burning up dance floors from
Brighton to San Antonio as a primary occupation) seem to have less time
available for ogling (and road-testing)
fitties than we used to have, so having such a bonefide fittie at close quarters has
been a bit of a thrill.
Ruby is totally aware of the ridiculous effect her other
half has on us all and finds the whole thing rather humorous. I had always
assumed that Declan was equally aware and always gave kudos to him for never
communicating what must be richter scale embarrassment as his other half’s
friends flutter about him like southern belles on acid!
However, today Ruby and I had a glorious picnic in the park
with the kids and (as is the custom) caught up with each others gossip. Guess
what I found out….
Declan does NOT have a clue that he is an extraordinarily
handsome man!!!
How this is even possible I have no idea, but apparently
when Declan arises in the morning and looks in the mirror, he does not see what
we see. More to the point when he is around some pretty outrageously odd
behaviour generated as a response to his extraordinarily handsome packaging… he
sees nothing.
I was even more gob-smacked when Ruby began to tell me the
tale of what happened to Declan at work.
Decaln is a great architect. Not for him the vanity projects
that change a cities skyline – Declan brings architecture into somewhere that
will have a much bigger impact – your home.
He understands the individual nature of homeowner projects whether it’s
a loft conversion, kitchen extension or internal space reconfiguration. And he
never forgets that it is a major investment for you so he is with you from
conception to delivery.
Now I don’t know much about how his business works (Yeah…
BUSTED… I’m as deafened by the beating of my own heart as the rest of us when Declan is in the room (well maybe not as much as Bryan)… )But I think
I’m safe to say I heard him say that the process
starts with an initial visit. The time scale of this is dependant on
the size of the project but is a fair chunk of a day. After the opening discussion to establish the
requirements, Declan produces sketched design options, working with the client
in the very spaces that will be transformed. This collaborative process is a
genius approach and kind of gets things moving swiftly as these drawings go on
to form the basis of early discussions with planners, neighbours and even
builders.
Now I tell you this purely to set the scene of why Declan
was alone in a big house with a woman he had just met.
It was work.
Normal. Run of the mill. Done it 1000 times. Work.
An initial visit architect to client.
Got it.
So… all the downstairs designs are practically agreed. The
client is hesitant, so Declan asks what is troubling her. She says that she
thinks an ‘in for a penny- in for a pound’ approach would be a great idea and
she is sure she could get her husband to sign off the extra work. Declan
enquires what the extra work was that she had in mind. Turns out it is a
bathroom.. upstairs.
She leads the way. And rather innocently shows Declan the
bathroom in need of an architects touch. She then points out that the bathroom
wall adjoins her ensuite so he may like to look it it from the other side.
Declan follows the client into her bedroom and enters the
ensuite to do what ever it is architects do when they look at a solid tiled
wall. He turns to ask the client a question.
She is NOT in the ensuite.
She is sitting on her bed… well to be more accurate she is
perched. The lady is on one buttock with her legs crossed in a manor most
befitting the kind of pin ups they painted on the side of planes in WW2!. Oh
and it is about to get worse.
The client then reaches up into her hair and releases what
Declan described to Ruby as “some sort of clip” then…. Wait for it…. Starts shaking
her freed tresses from left to right in the manor of “a timotei advert” [readers not up to speed on british iconic adverts…google
it there is a great video on youtube!].
Oh… there is more…
The client then leans back and arches her spine, dropping
artfully onto one elbow for support.
Declan is a little confused as to why his rather
conservative client had decided to strike this pose, but his spidey senses told
him something was NOT QUITE RIGHT here. So the rest of this sector of meeting
was conducted with him roaring questions from a safe distance in her ensuite
and her posing like a playboy bunny on her satin sheathed bed panting answers.
Eventually – and try this one at home if you don’t believe
me – talking breathily out of a thrown back head (so hair could sweep the bed
cover), and over an arched spine (so breasts could point at the ceiling) while
balancing on one buttock (so legs could look invitingly long)… gets old. And
ruddy painful – especially when no one is taking the bait! Thus the meeting
concluded downstairs around the kitchen table as the gods of home architecture intended.
When he got home that evening, Declan reported the entire
incident to his better half. He had no idea what the hell was going on or why. “Gosh!”
he said to Ruby after she explained to him that there was the strongest of possibilities
that the client may have found him attractive and was offering herself to him.!
In the same way he has never noticed that all Ruby's friends
harbour little crushes on him and in the same way he has not acknowledged that
the day he took a gazebo down in my garden remains the most talked about
incident on my street (I have lived here
a long time BUT nothing has topped that… let’s face facts Declan doing manual work in
the rain… well I doubt anything that good happens outside an advert so yes…
everytime the neighbours get together over a cuppa we sigh and remember that
hallowed day)… It just didn’t register with him that looking the way he
does turns people heads – in more ways than one. He just does not get the
effect his external appearance has on people.
Actually this is not THAT odd amongst the beautiful people:…
I once stayed with a friend and every day we went out cars tooted their horns…
I asked her how she dealt with the noise and she said “what noise?” – she had
become accustomed to the cacophony and had filtered it out)… BUT that’s a WOMAN…
I’d expect modesty to be a default setting for a woman. I would have thought a man would be a little
more in tune with the currency of being handsome.
Not so the case.
When I got home from my picnic with Ruby, I conducted a
little survey among the (admittedly not as
handsome as Declan) men of my acquaintance – as I am blessed with friends
who have not taken a serious beating from the ugly stick. I asked them if their
looks (just their looks, no personality to be taken into account here) had ever
caused them anything other than joy.
I was a little surprised with the texts I received back:
*People trying to trap you
and keep you with them just because you are attractive.
*The assumption that you have
it easy and everything goes your way.
*Your partner finding it harder trusting you.
*People will expect more from you then others
*Your partner finding it harder trusting you.
*People will expect more from you then others
*Decisions to hate you for no
other reason than that, and sometimes setting out to bring you down.
*People assuming that you MUST be a himbo (stupid).
*Women thinking they have the right to grope and follow you around (Believe me not as great as it sounds)
*Having to settle as is harder to find someone like you.
*People assuming that you MUST be a himbo (stupid).
*Women thinking they have the right to grope and follow you around (Believe me not as great as it sounds)
*Having to settle as is harder to find someone like you.
*Nice people find it harder
to approach you so you end up being approached by idiots
*Sexual harassment :(had to leave his job at hospital as the Head Physio kept harassing him, touching him, propositioning him, invading his space like walking into the showers when he was in there and standing there staring).
I don’t know why it came as a shock to me that for men as well as for women, being beautiful does have a flip side. Being a handsome man does offer some unique challenges that lesser mortals would not have to deal with on a daily basis.
*Sexual harassment :(had to leave his job at hospital as the Head Physio kept harassing him, touching him, propositioning him, invading his space like walking into the showers when he was in there and standing there staring).
I don’t know why it came as a shock to me that for men as well as for women, being beautiful does have a flip side. Being a handsome man does offer some unique challenges that lesser mortals would not have to deal with on a daily basis.
Good to know.
But when you think about it nothing will ever hurt as much
as Declan’s clients arse after having perched on one buttock, while arching
backwards and breathily discussing contemporary bathrooms for 15 minutes!
Apart from maybe my ribs from laughing every time I think of
his poor puzzled face!
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