BLOG 222: The 13th Sense

"A friend, the only friend who whispers in your ear 

Just to say good luck and that is all you need to hear 

I wrap up cold so when I march on my bare heels 

Everything I lack in style's made up with how I feel 

 

I need us undivided, I want this thing to stop 

I've had the training to be overwhelmed but I'm not 

Empty soul of hate but this isn't my war 

Couldn't tell you how it started or where it is fought 

Oh no... "

From the album 'The Invitation': Songwriters: Brendon Arthur James, Thomas William Welham, Adam Michael Wilson, William David South.   

One of the best gifts a departing lover ever gave me was Thirteen Senses album "The Invitation". He said that the album is me set to music. My fault for dating a musoo - literary types often make the mistake of thinking that music makers and word smiths are natural partners. Not so much in reality though, musoos have the swell and ebbs of the tune in the background to convey what they feel and the lyrics are the underscore... we mere wordsmiths have just a blank page to fill. In short, we talk too much and they not enough. Coming together as a unit is like forcing similar but ill-fitting jigsaw pieces together. It's not a proper fit under close inspection  - hence why Jax and Lorenz did not go the distance. 

However. 

The gift that remains some 6+ years after the split found its way onto my CD player this morning.I do not know what happened to this band. I don't really follow musicians  and if stopped by a vox-popper and was asked to name what is no. 1 in the charts at the moment I genuinely would not have a clue. So if the band are still going... great. If not... they left a musical legacy behind them they can feel very proud of. 

Their vocalist, Will South, has to be one of my all time favourite voices in music.  His voice is (and forgive me for not knowing the correct musical term) a kind of countertenor with a massive range. It has so much depth and soul to it and has a remarkable ability to sound hopeful and dissolute at the same time. As for the music driving the emotion of the lyrics; the guitar and piano riffs that feature on this album are remarkably brilliant despite their simplicity. The main melody is sometimes played by the piano, and  other times the guitar drives it but it switches back and forth making you feel the fragility of the words being conveyed. The bass is used as punctuation... a barely noticeable but essential heartbeat. But like I said I am not a musoo... so forgive my paltry description. I am a writer though, so put in my terms, I would say the album is a recording of the emotion that is felt by those who probably think too much. 

Maybe Lorenz was right... it could be a representation of me set to music.. maybe. (Mind you the track he always harped on about was 'Thru The Glass'... so you can understand my apprehension)

Anyway...I quoted the lyrics to 'Undivided' at the start of this blog. 

Now THIS IS a situation I often find myself in. Other peoples wars. 

Fair enough conscientious objectors always are attacked. If it is not your war and you have no wish to die for someone else's, it is inevitable that those who do (subscribe to the issues fought over and for) WILL attack you.

It's even more difficult to not become involved with other people's wars when you have a strong personality. People tend to (and quite wrongly) attribute to you much more power than you actually have. They feel it is their duty to get you to subscribe to their cause and fear what will happen to their credibility if they do not have you on board. 

 

And so it was that I awoke this morning to find myself - yet again - under attack for not wishing to be conscript in a war I do not want to have anything to do with. 

I am worn out from  trying resist being sucked into a maelstrom created by my three ambitious and angry  adversaries.  Of course the attacks upon me have been thick and fast: First one of them declared I am beneath contempt, then another publicly attacked me till I wept, the other simply tells lies about me. This Campaign I can handle but I am tired, very tired of this . I shouldn't have to handle this, but my resistance to being sucked into their war means that of course I will be attacked.

  

But the change in the tide came yesterday when like the lyrics of the song I opened with.... my only ally is now reduced to whispering support in my ear. It has become dangerous for that person to be seen publicly allied to me. 

And so it is - because of that occurrence - that I feel obliged to write this blog. 

Fight your stupid war if you must. Because I will not support you does not mean I am the enemy. Being a conscientious objector means that I will not support your opponents either. I am exercising my right not to be involved - with either side. No more. No less. So please... stop the madness.

In the words of thirteen senses: 

I need us undivided, I want this thing to stop 

I've had the training to be overwhelmed but I'm not 

Empty soul of hate but this isn't my war 

Couldn't tell you how it started or where it is fought 

Thank you. 

So glad I couldn't find the i-pod and had to slam on a CD this morning. So glad I was given 'The Invitation' all those years ago.

Ahhhh...... I guess this is WELL overdue, but I know you follow the blog so here goes....   

YES Lorenz... you were right.... it's taken me a lot of years to actually listen to the album rather than sing along to it!... but yes...it is ME, set to music!  Take care. Jax 

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BLOG 221: Odds stacked against?

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in this arena,who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again;because there is not effort without error and shortcomings" Theodore Roosvelt

As you all know I have quite a few freelance gigs putting words in the mouth of various corporations. One of my favourites is for a big internet dating corporation. I have long harboured a desire to be an agony aunt ever since I heard the late great Claire Rayner  say "Just talk about it huni". Obviously lacking any form of psychological training this was something I was and remain entirely unqualified for. However given the wonderful world of the interweb... scribblers like me get the opportunity to be published taking about all kinds of stuff and that particular gig does give me the chance to pontificate on the relationship arena. (AT LAST!)

In my duties for the dating site, I trawl the stats which are gleaned from their database in order to get a fix on how the current thinking of the populace is about the world of dating and matrimony.  

Tell ya something though... you don't half come across some startling and often rather contradictory facts when you run the percentages from all that data.  

One of my faves was that 15% of the women who completed forms (and we are talking a site with MILLIONS of women on it)…. yep 15% ...said that they would REFUSE (yep refuse, not decline, not prefer not to...REFUSE) to date a man from Liverpool. Thank heavens Sir Paul McCartney found love again and is remarried, cause if he were on the site he'd be struggling for a date! 

In case you are wondering what the women were really excited about... well 80% said that they would have sex with a man because he was (wait for it....) Italian. Worrying fact that...  but TOTALLY explains the whole appeal of Silvio Berlusconi, cause for the life of me I could not understand why those women were hurling themselves into his bed!

It's weird what the men actually believe too... like 80% of them actually stating that they believe exhibiting strength totally impresses women! Where do they get that from?? 90% of women completing the forms said the thing that most impressed them about men was - an exhibition of wealth! Oooooh... now I see how Sir Paul managed to pull wifey no.3... he may be a scouser with zero italian blood... but he does have a couple of quid! 

Now then if that makes women sound shallow, that's not the whole story.... you can't just take one fact in isolation... so here's a few  (draw your own conclusions): 

• The average woman takes 60 minutes to get ready for a first date 
• 50% of women will brush their teeth before a date 
• 3 out of every 5 women say wearing a brand new item on that date boosts their confidence 
• If they fancy their date 4 out of 5 women will not order garlic 
• 1 out of every five women believe the date will end in sex 
• The average British woman has 20 sexual partners in a lifetime 

So  …. while you cogitate  on those statistics.... this is what the men who filled in the same forms said: 

• The average man takes 10 minutes to get ready for a first date 
• 80% of men do not brush their teeth before a date 
• 1 in three men have a pair of lucky dating pants (1 in 15 admit to NEVER washing them) 
• 80% of men who fancy their date will still order garlic laced food 
• 4 out of every five men believe the date will end in sex 
• The average British man has 12 sexual partners in a lifetime 

You thinking what I'm thinking?.... Mars? Venus?.... actually no apparently we are all from earth!

  

Here's some stuff that is not gender related...  Did you know that those school sweethearts who carry on dating into adulthood are quite rare? So few of them carry on to the happy ever after with a clutch of bridesmaids and groomsmen... just one in 50! Sadly half of those marriages go on to end in divorce. But no worries,  7% of all married couples met at secondary school reunions.... even if 20% of them were actually married to someone ELSE at the time!  

If school wasn't a great pulling zone (mine wasn't - 2100 girls and not a boy in sight took care of that!)…. there is always the workplace.  80% of all people claim to scope out the workplace for potential partners. It's a tricky balance with 50% of all work related flings ending within 31 days. Even for those who make it up the aisle after their eyes met over the In-tray...25% of them will be doing paperwork  to ensure they never ever see each other again. 

Actually one in twenty ended relationships (no matter where the couple met) will end with someone taking out a restraining order!  However I am glad to say that Police stats confirm that permanent removal of an ex is still extremely rare - only ONE in 200,000 people take the murder option.  The traditional cure for a broken heart seems to be the seaside... three out of every five broken hearted people will take a beach holiday to get over it  (and a third of them will have a holiday romance).   

Oh... remember that figure about whether or not the date will end in sex.... despite what both genders may think  41% of 1st dates statically end that way!... but hilariously 20% of all sexually active adults admit to pretending to have an STD to escape this! 

Date expectations though gave me a big chortle. 

One in every five men will buy their dates flowers. If they've ever wondered about the luke warm response (come on ...she looks at them, she smiles... then she dumps them on the counter over her shoulder!)… it's because statistically... 50% of women admit to preferring alcohol or chocolate to flowers! 

Bad behaviour on dates seems to have the same culprit!  50% of men blame bad form on a date on excessive alcohol where as 80% of women think excessive dutch courage made them act like a total pillock! 

Women sneaking out of date or faking an emergency to get out of a date that is not living up to expectations is much rarer than I thought - only one in every ten women will do this. I assume this means that they will suffer through  a crappy date (but bearing in mind 4  out of every 5 men think they are going to have sex... I now understand why suddenly these women are pretending to have an STD!) 

Men are fabulously honest when sent on a blind date. Only 80% of them will actually introduce themselves to the girl if she doesn't look visually appealing. YUP! 20% will scarper!!!  And if you think that it's about the bad choice of outfit the blind date is wearing.... NOPE. 2 out of every 3 men admit to rarely noticing what a date is wearing!  I wonder if they could tell her personality from just looking then...LOL! 

Talking of personality, 2 out of every 3 men say they regularly fantasize about what sex with an assertive non-dependent woman would be like. It features highly on their desirable personality traits. Conversely 2 in every 3 men say they feel entirely intimidated and emasculated by  assertive non-dependent women. 

Only 3% of women say that they have no problem at all with making the first move when it comes to approaching a man they find attractive. And yet statistics show clearly that 7% of women had actually got the ball rolling themselves. Me thinks someone somewhere was not telling the truth?   

Truth was a doozy.... 60% of all people in relationships say truth is the most important thing and any breach of the truth is a deal breaker. Which is odd as 73% of all people in a relationship say that white lies are essential to maintaining a healthy relationship!  90% of people believe their partners to be less than 100% truthful and 75% admit to regularly lying to their other half. 

Lying to friends seems to be essential too, at least when it comes to admitting being sexually stirred up by a close friends partner. 90% say they would not tell a friend they fancy their partner, but 22% admit to feeling hot under the collar in the presence of their friends amore!... worse still 8% of those 'best friends' will act upon those sexual feelings.  

But here's a odd fact: 

Only 14% of all marriage break-ups actually involve a male friend of the wife. Yet 50% of married men say that they feel that their relationships are threatened by these men. Irrational maybe chaps?

Friends in couples seem to be the biggest enemy of singleton. 93% of all single people felt their single status was most commented on by their friends in couples.  87% of all single people admitted to feeling least comfortable when in the company of couples. 41% of couples believed that they knew best when it came to choosing a partner for their friend. Only 15% of couples felt that they would be comfortable with that friend choosing a partner for them if the situation were reversed. 

Valentines day though seemed to be the funniest thing when it came to the old Baden Powell adage "be prepared". When asked in October, 90% of women were expecting their man to make a romantic gesture on 14th February. Only 20% of men when asked in October claimed to have plans to do so.  But no worries about the Valentines day massacre that follows this imbalance in expectation (for heaven sake men... vodka, chocolate DONE DUSTED!...you WILL be one of the 41%...Simples!)… any way, statistic's show the 10% of all broken relationships do get back together (even if 20% of these end within 60 days!).  

Love is bonkers. I think that explains my favourite statistic. Maybe the being totally overwhelmed leads to not being in their right mind. Because.... 

A massive 30% of all women surveyed had shopped for their wedding dress BEFORE even being proposed to. And in case  you think they are just window shopping or having a fun day trying things on while waiting for their soul mate to pop the question.... NO! Guess what... 17% of ALL wedding dresses purchased absolutely NEVER get worn in a  marriage ceremony. 

Part of that reason is reflected in the least ticked box, which asked about Soul Mates. Only 15% of all surveyed claimed to have found him or her. In fact the whole dating thing was deemed to be far too emotionally overwhelming by 5% of all persons who completed the forms. And yeah 5% = 100,000 people!  

BUT 

What was amazing is that 70% of all surveyed still believe that their personal soul mate DOES exist. And more than that,  95% say that despite all the statistics they will continue to date until they find true happiness. 

In face of the facts and evidence that the odds are completely stacked against them... they err , come short of stacking up, and go back into the fray again and again... with fire in their belly to find The One. They have nothing in their arsenal other than a complete trust or confidence based on their own spiritual apprehension rather than genuine proof. 

Here's a final statistic for you: 

Jax thinks that kind of blind faith is rather lovely ... 100%! 

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BLOG 220: Handsome Tales

“These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.” Charles Barkley

A few years ago my actress friend Ruby was swept of her feet by the stunning architect Declan. They make a very handsome couple indeed. There are not many in our group who do not harbour a bit of a crush on Declan. .. he is text book: tall, dark and handsome in the way I had always assumed only Disney Princes were made to look. But Declan is real. Flesh and blood real; he and Rube’s now have 2 handsome children. However unthwarted by the progression of time… within our group (male and female alike) crushes abound regarding Ruby’s catch.

As the realities of post- twenties life kicks in, life in the middle years seems more about Homebase, Ikea, School-runs, and Volvos than it ever was before. Our crowd (who were once burning up dance floors from Brighton to San Antonio as a primary occupation) seem to have less time available for ogling  (and road-testing) fitties than we used to have, so having such a bonefide fittie at close quarters has been a bit of a thrill.

Ruby is totally aware of the ridiculous effect her other half has on us all and finds the whole thing rather humorous. I had always assumed that Declan was equally aware and always gave kudos to him for never communicating what must be richter scale embarrassment as his other half’s friends flutter about him like southern belles on acid!

However, today Ruby and I had a glorious picnic in the park with the kids and (as is the custom) caught up with each others gossip. Guess what I found out….

Declan does NOT have a clue that he is an extraordinarily handsome man!!!

How this is even possible I have no idea, but apparently when Declan arises in the morning and looks in the mirror, he does not see what we see. More to the point when he is around some pretty outrageously odd behaviour generated as a response to his extraordinarily handsome packaging… he sees nothing.

I was even more gob-smacked when Ruby began to tell me the tale of what happened to Declan at work.

Decaln is a great architect. Not for him the vanity projects that change a cities skyline – Declan brings architecture into somewhere that will have a much bigger impact – your home.  He understands the individual nature of homeowner projects whether it’s a loft conversion, kitchen extension or internal space reconfiguration. And he never forgets that it is a major investment for you so he is with you from conception to delivery.

Now I don’t know much about how his business works (Yeah… BUSTED… I’m as deafened by the beating of my own heart as the rest of us when Declan is in the room (well maybe not as much as Bryan)… )But I think I’m safe to say I heard him say that the process starts with an initial visit. The time scale of this is dependant on the size of the project but is a fair chunk of a day. After the opening discussion to establish the requirements, Declan produces sketched design options, working with the client in the very spaces that will be transformed. This collaborative process is a genius approach and kind of gets things moving swiftly as these drawings go on to form the basis of early discussions with planners, neighbours and even builders.

Now I tell you this purely to set the scene of why Declan was alone in a big house with a woman he had just met.

It was work.

Normal. Run of the mill. Done it 1000 times. Work.

An initial visit architect to client.

Got it.

So… all the downstairs designs are practically agreed. The client is hesitant, so Declan asks what is troubling her. She says that she thinks an ‘in for a penny- in for a pound’ approach would be a great idea and she is sure she could get her husband to sign off the extra work. Declan enquires what the extra work was that she had in mind. Turns out it is a bathroom.. upstairs.

She leads the way. And rather innocently shows Declan the bathroom in need of an architects touch. She then points out that the bathroom wall adjoins her ensuite so he may like to look it it from the other side.

Declan follows the client into her bedroom and enters the ensuite to do what ever it is architects do when they look at a solid tiled wall. He turns to ask the client a question.

She is NOT in the ensuite.

She is sitting on her bed… well to be more accurate she is perched. The lady is on one buttock with her legs crossed in a manor most befitting the kind of pin ups they painted on the side of planes in WW2!. Oh and it is about to get worse.

The client then reaches up into her hair and releases what Declan described to Ruby as “some sort of clip” then…. Wait for it…. Starts shaking her freed tresses from left to right in the manor of “a timotei advert” [readers not up to speed on british iconic adverts…google it there is a great video on youtube!].

Oh… there is more…

The client then leans back and arches her spine, dropping artfully onto one elbow for support.

Declan is a little confused as to why his rather conservative client had decided to strike this pose, but his spidey senses told him something was NOT QUITE RIGHT here. So the rest of this sector of meeting was conducted with him roaring questions from a safe distance in her ensuite and her posing like a playboy bunny on her satin sheathed bed panting answers.

Eventually – and try this one at home if you don’t believe me – talking breathily out of a thrown back head (so hair could sweep the bed cover), and over an arched spine (so breasts could point at the ceiling) while balancing on one buttock (so legs could look invitingly long)… gets old. And ruddy painful – especially when no one is taking the bait! Thus the meeting concluded downstairs around the kitchen table as the gods of home architecture intended.

When he got home that evening, Declan reported the entire incident to his better half. He had no idea what the hell was going on or why. “Gosh!” he said to Ruby after she explained to him that there was the strongest of possibilities that the client may have found him attractive and was offering herself to him.!

In the same way he has never noticed that all Ruby's friends harbour little crushes on him and in the same way he has not acknowledged that the day he took a gazebo down in my garden remains the most talked about incident on my street (I have lived here a long time BUT nothing has topped that…  let’s face facts Declan doing manual work in the rain… well I doubt anything that good happens outside an advert so yes… everytime the neighbours get together over a cuppa we sigh and remember that hallowed day)… It just didn’t register with him that looking the way he does turns people heads – in more ways than one. He just does not get the effect his external appearance has on people.

Actually this is not THAT odd amongst the beautiful people:… I once stayed with a friend and every day we went out cars tooted their horns… I asked her how she dealt with the noise and she said “what noise?” – she had become accustomed to the cacophony and had filtered it out)… BUT that’s a WOMAN… I’d expect modesty to be a default setting for a woman.  I would have thought a man would be a little more in tune with the currency of being handsome.

Not so the case.

When I got home from my picnic with Ruby, I conducted a little survey among the (admittedly not as handsome as Declan) men of my acquaintance – as I am blessed with friends who have not taken a serious beating from the ugly stick. I asked them if their looks (just their looks, no personality to be taken into account here) had ever caused them anything other than joy.

I was a little surprised with the texts I received back:

*People trying to trap you and keep you with them just because you are attractive.

*The assumption that you have it easy and everything goes your way.
*Your partner finding it harder trusting you.
*People will expect more from you then others

*Decisions to hate you for no other reason than that, and sometimes setting out to bring you down.
*People assuming that you MUST be a himbo (stupid).
*Women thinking they have the right to grope and follow you around (Believe me not as great as it sounds)
*Having to settle as is harder to find someone like you.

*Nice people find it harder to approach you so you end up being approached by idiots
*Sexual harassment :(had to leave his job at hospital as the Head Physio kept harassing him, touching him, propositioning him, invading his space like walking into the showers when he was in there and standing there staring).

I don’t know why it came as a shock to me that for men as well as for women, being beautiful does have a flip side. Being a handsome man does offer some unique challenges that lesser mortals would not have to deal with on a daily basis.

Good to know.

But when you think about it nothing will ever hurt as much as Declan’s clients arse after having perched on one buttock, while arching backwards and breathily discussing contemporary bathrooms for 15 minutes!

Apart from maybe my ribs from laughing every time I think of his poor puzzled face!

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