"Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." ~James Shubert
Before you say anything I am writing this blog in the toilet of very nice restaurant. I'll explain why later, but I just had to slip out and let you know about my very surprising week. Well actually not all that surprising as it turns out, but anyway I wanted to share and lord knows there is sod all going on out in the restaurant I want to be a part of... so here we go....
Don't you just hate it when shock waves ripple around you when something unexpected occurs... but at the very same time an inner voice says “emmmm I'm not ENTIRELY surprised”. It's a disconcerting thing to be both shocked and unsurprised in the same moment. Like this week where I was very shocked and yet very unsurprised to find myself declared an expert on dating. Unsurprised and yet rather shocked to find myself commissioned to write on the subject.
Okay, I have written about dating before. I think my very first blog was about the world of internet dating. If you were with JaxWorld back then, you'd know I'm not entirely convinced. However, like miracle weight loss cures everyone I know knows someone for whom it worked (funny enough it's ALWAYS a friend of a friend and not ONE person who is directly in my life.... me smells urban myth here). Those who read my blog on dates from hell (Blog 22) will know I know LOADS about dating the WRONG guy. Plus let us not forget my decades of compounding my errors by living with the wrong guy (and not just the one wrong guy either!). Hell, even my novel published back in 2003 alludes to how selecting the wrong guy is just something some girls effortlessly do. I guess I've been wittering on about dating the wrong guy for quite sometime.
Thing is (and people may wish to shoot me, but that's only because it is true), dating the wrong guy is a CHOICE. Intelligent, attractive, everything going for them women make this choice just as much as the desperate wallflowers. I've made this choice. I bitch about it, I laugh about it, and you could sail a boat on the tears I've cried about it...but one thing for sure.... I CHOSE it. It's an odd thing to do for an intelligent woman, but I'm not alone. Of our own free will millions of us women choose to date the wrong guy. Over years of introspection I came up with the five most common reasons why I do it at least:
In that moment when I was asked....I was lonely or insecure
In that moment when I was asked... I figured a relationship was the cure to all my problems
In that moment when I was asked... I couldn't be asked to be single any more (it's hard work!)
In that moment when I was asked... I was desperate for a project (and he so needed fixing!)
In that moment when I was asked... I ignored my gut feeling and all the red flags!
Over the years I've asked loads of women who habitually date 'wrong uns' WHY? Amazingly every woman has given me a variation of the five reasons above. What's worse is that after the first date we don't hesitate to go on a second … and before you know it... a decade...or even more, gone! It's not like we don't know the questions every sensible woman asks herself before embarking on a relationship... it's just that we CHOOSE not to. So over the years, I've used my conclusions about my findings in a variety of publications... so I suppose it is not tooo surprising that eventually someone would mistake my opinion for expert advise!
However imagine my surprise when a well known internet dating site asked me to instruct their members on the principles of dating the wrong guy! Apparently some brainiac there thinks these principles could be used their clients advantage when trying to decide whether or not to make a second date with someone. Well, given my track record in continuing to see people after I know they are a wrong un...maybe they had a point! I could understand their line of thinking... just get clients to NOT do as Jax does! Emmmmmmm....there was a compliment in there I'm sure (as well as a cheque)... so I started scribbling...
Have you ever looked across the table on a first date and thought... “ GIRL... you are settling for less”. I know I have. Time and Time again! It's not just that my dinner companion tries to drink his soup through a fork (it happened... really), it's just that gut feeling that THIS isn't right. That's the time to thank them for a lovely evening... cause if you DON'T walk away right then...you start to make excuses... and that gets messy.
Then there's the guy who treats you in a way that just don't feel right. First date...he's introducing you to his mother... or worse brings his mother on the date (believe me THAT'S happened too!). But sometimes it's more subtle than that... but the point remains the same. If you don't feel the way he treats you on that first date is right... and bear in mind this is the pinnacle of how much thought he will EVER put into the relationship... then it ain't gonna improve on a second or third date ( a certainly not over a decade or two of retakes!)
Which brings me to the biggest reason women date 'wrong un's' for years and years. Thinking that the relationship will improve after something. It defies logic, but even intelligent women think that unsuitable can be made a perfect fit if you just add a little something to it. Look, if it wasn't great to start, WHY and HOW is it gonna get better after a baby, a house, a marriage, a dog, a new job. Things are built on foundations... the wise man built his house upon the rock. If you are building on sand... well you know the song.
Ah yes...Mr Right Now. You know this person isn't 'the one' and never could be... but it's better to be dating SOMEONE (read anyone) than no one. Silliest move of all... dating out of boredom/fear of being alone, means that Mr Right Now will eventually leave you feeling so empty that the relationship WILL end. And you'll be dating no one, but you'll be older. I have a friend who squandered her entire 20's on a guy who she knew she didn't want to settle down with, but as he wasn't ready for a big step either...she just drifted along as it was better than being alone. Of course when it ended, she found most of the great single guys she used to know were all in serious relationships... that they'd got into, while she was off the market treading water with Mr Right Now.
Then there is the investment of time argument. Okay, you know he is the wrong one, but you've house broken him now...who can be asked to do that again? Which is just silly. I (more than once) invested a heap of time in men I know are not right for me, until I realised that I would be better off using the knowledge of what did want to find the person who IS what I wanted. I mean, if I'm smart enough to not throw good money after bad, why not be smart enough to stop investing time in the wrong places! (There will always be another note in your purse...but there may not always be the time to spend it).
And finally there is the 'Well no one else is actually asking me out, so if I don't go out with him there will NEVER be anyone else.” No real introspection needed here as the answerto that is clear: Well of course no one else is asking you out zippy!.... You are already SEEING SOMEONE!!!! Clear the decks. It's that simple!
So... I ended up writing the instruction manual for the dating site: HOW NOT TO END UP DATING SOMEONE YOU WISH YOU WERE NOT DATING. My goodness it is long! But the animator broke it up nicely with lots a great drawings.(Some are actually VERY funny). Hell, maybe I'll have to take back that comment about urban myths after all... they really do seem to have clients who end up in happy relationships. Funny to think my trusty tome may be a part of that process!
You know it don't matter how many things you publish its's always a bit odd looking at it. How not to end up dating someone you wish you were not dating: My dating life (and the dating life of quite a few of my friends) laid bare. It felt quite nice that all those wasted nights we'd accumulated between us generated by being with the wrong guy iare going to be used to be of help to women in the future.(But as I cash the cheque,I have to say I doubt it... we women are a contrary breed, just because we know what we should be doing never actually means we are going to do it!)
But in a nutshell the 'rules' as they laughingly have called them are simple and there are only TWO:
Trust your gut feeling about the man you are dating... ask yourself if this one is a keeper.
If he exhibits behaviours that don't sit right with you on that first date... DO NOT agree to a second.
If the guy is not a keeper simply and politely say “It was nice meeting you” shake their hand and LEAVE. The flawed compatibility is NOT a temporary issue, this is a problem that cannot be ignored and I can assure you that time won't fix it either.
It seems harsh to not give someone a second chance. After all a first date is a pressure cooker of nerves – especially for the guy. But it is also an audition. It's an audition for a significant role in your life. Harsh as it may seem... most auditions end in failure. So if he has failed... end it.
Yes,you will disappoint him, yes,you are heading back to lonely town on a scooter for one.... BUT if you don't walk away when you FIRST get that feeling...there will be a second date, which turns into a third and a forth. Suddenly out of fear, boredom or just sparing someone's feelings...you're dating the WRONG guy.
So... heres's to turning over a new leaf and following my own advice.
I suppose me and my laptop best come out of the loo and go back to our table in this very nice restaurant..... I think I have to tell my dinner companion something!
(Oh come on.... you knew!)
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